It’s no secret that I embarrass myself on a regular basis. I’ve farted in a trainer’s face, a woman once congratulated me on my diarrhea, and I even confessed to taking a dump in an empty Porta Potty. Needless to say, I spend the majority of my time and energy trying to see if a person can actually die of humiliation.
Something else that people know about me is that I love to hike. I love the smell of the mountain air. I love the view at the top. I love being one of those annoying people on Facebook who posts dozens of photos to prove that her ass hasn’t yet melded with her couch.
“Come on Maury, hurry up. I need to know if he’s the father.”
I had been wanting to do one particular trail in the Columbia River Gorge, and finally managed to get out there a few weeks ago. Most hikes have bathrooms at their trail heads, but once you’re out there, you’re on your own.
This hike was listed as “easy” but I quickly learned it’s only easy if you’re Jillian Michaels on methamphetamines. I trudged my way up the 478 switchbacks, drinking a ton of water along the way. Eventually my bladder decided it was quittin’ time, and I had to find a place to pee.
This wasn’t easy to do because the trail is narrow, and there aren’t really any places to hide while you urinate all over Mother Nature. I was going to have to pick a spot and chance it.
There is a point in this particular trail where it takes a slight detour out to a view point. I decided this would be ideal because some people might bypass it and continue on, and even if they did walk out, I’d hear them and have a chance to collect myself.
I looked up and down the main trail, and didn’t see anyone coming. I quickly ran over to the end, steadied myself between a bushy area and the ledge, and pulled down my pants.
Actual scene of the crime
Midstream I heard someone coming. Based on the timing of the footsteps I knew the person was jogging towards me. Jogging, shit. I hadn’t accounted for that, and I knew there wasn’t enough time to pull up my pants and act naturally.
Any second the this person would round this corner, and there I’d be, pissing all over Oregon’s splendor. The only way to completely avoid the jogger was to back up and fall to my death.
I panicked…
I stood up…
He appeared a split second later…
My vagina was on full display.
Jogger’s reaction to seeing my sausage wallet
There was a moment when we both had to acknowledge that my labia was just chillin’ like a villain. He looked slightly confused. It could have been because I was naked from the waist down, or it could have been because I hadn’t shaved since Nixon was in office. He may have thought he somehow stumbled upon a centaur.
He was a merciful soul, and turned around and disappeared as quickly as he had appeared. No awkward, “Hey, nice vagina!” or “Can you please move your Furby, you’re blocking the view.” He knew the right thing to do was to leave.
I waited awhile, and then made my way back down the trail. When I got to the bottom, park rangers had set up a small table with information on our state parks. As I walked by, one of the rangers asked me if I had seen anything interesting while I was on the trail. I simply replied, “No, but I know one guy who did.”
Sips of Jen and Tonic 
ROFL for the jogger haha! It was probably pretty scary for him… lady in the woods with her pants down and a big ol’ bush… that’s the stuff urban legends are made out of! No wonder her ran the other way.
He’s going to tell this story around a campfire one day with a flashlight held up to his chin.
Too funny! (so real)
I hate hiking switchbacks….and not having appropriately placed bushes when needed.
Switchbacks are the worst, totally unforgiving. Luckily, the guy who caught a glimpse of me was VERY forgiving.
Hilarious, Jen!! I’m laughing about you not accounting for the jogging. Hee hee. Otherwise, you know it would have worked. So funny!
I probably would have done the “squeeze and peek” method in which I let a small amount trickle out, stand up, take a peek and then go back to peeing. I got way too comfortable.
Hilarious Jen!
Anything goes on the trail, right? Wait, I mean everything.
But were you even alive when Nixon was in office?
Red
Thanks for pointing out the historical inaccuracy in this piece. It would have been Ronald Reagan.
It’s the anal in me. It’s what I do.
HAHA! That’s why your book will read like, well, a book, and mine will read like a drunk child’s notebook.
Actually people will literally die laughing reading your book because you’re so fucking funny. Like that monty python joke that kills people. My book may outlive me in the editing process. Wow. I just said “my book”. Gave me a funny feeling.
YOUR BOOK. YOUR BOOK. YOUR BOOK.
Exciting as shit.
Nicely done, sistah! I’ve popped many a squat on dusty trails, I totes get it. Never been caught tho, oops! When ya gotta go, ya gotta go. My son’s hiked that very trail, and never saw THAT, but he did get chased by a bear! Holla!
He got chased by a wear on this trail?! Wow, that’s bold of the bears considering this isn’t a primitive hike. They must have heard there was a lady flashing people and wanted to check it out for themselves.
Any girl with a vag chillin like a villain is A-OK in my book, misdemeanor or not.
You make me laugh Jen, again, misdemeanor or not. =)
I imagine your vag being very laid-back as well, sipping on margaritas while laying in a hammock.
That was HILARIOUS!!
I aim to please.
Sausage wallet. Bwahahaha. Haven’t heard that one before.
I am also a fan of ‘beef curtains’
Yes! I like them both. I do love to learn.
Is it wrong that I get so much enjoyment out of these posts. lol Poor Jen, and good for you for not bowing to the pressure of shaving. I think most people who encounter this have that awkward moment and then just leave thank goodness. I have been walked in on in bathroom stalls that didn’t lock properly before. eeek. In this regard men are so much luckier than we are. sighs… but the worst time….was a story a lot like yours.. so maybe that will be a post. 🙂
Well, there’s no reason for me to shave. I have a better chance of getting swallowed whole by a snake than I do of getting a date. I’m not going through that trouble for myself.
And yes, please post your story. You’ve got 30 days to fill this month!
Jen…. I just literally laughed out loud. yes..I have 30 days. I am working on today’s post right now. 😉
amen sister
Hairy sistahs gotta stick together!
umm… you managed to handle that with grace and dignity… sort of… I think that traditionally, the idea of peeing in the great outdoors in a well used area involves stopping BEHIND a bush or tree… just something to think about…
See my comment to Vanessa above. The place behind the bushes doesn’t exist…a straight drop off the side of a mountain. After writing this, I think it would have been better to just die.
There is always a tree or bush somewhere you can get behind… that is how nature works.
True, you can get behind one, but your ass will still be exposed for all the hikers behind and below you to see.
Well… you have to do what you have to do do… ha… see what I did there?
You bring up a good point. Next time, I’m taking a dump and letting it fall on someone’s head.
Well then you have to climb a tree… which is a whole other thing…
Oh my lordy lou! You did pick a rather exposed place though I must say. Once I was in a store we have over here called Matalan, and they just had one bathroom for men and women, just the one big cubicle, I went in to use it and obviously didn’t lock the door properly because just as I had finished and was pulling my pants up, a man walked in – he and I both froze momentarily and stared at each other, then he said “Oh sorry”, and what did I say? “That’s ok!”. That’s ok? Like hey, come on in, no problem!
giggling at Vanessa.
Hehe, the other bit that I forgot to add was that about 10 minutes later I found myself in line to pay at the checkout with him standing right behind me!
lol. Yeah… I have a similar story to the one Jen posted that I may post sometime this month. Why is it so funny when we get caught peeing. lol
Believe it or not, this was the most secluded part of the trail. The first half is switchbacks which means people can see you from above and below. The second half is small, winding trails that are sandwiched between waterfalls and a rock face.
Getting caught on the toilet in a restroom SUCKS. There is such a false sense of security when you’re in there, and when someone walks in you feel totally violated.
Haha, sounds like it happens to you quite regularly then!
HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF….
okay, it does.
Hey, you go on a nature walk, you’re gonna see nature. 😀
What is more natural than a BIRTHDAY SUIT.
I think these are the Times when you need to learn new tricks, like wiggling….your ears, or something with your wonderful eyebrows. It may give just enough distraction to make a difference.
I can actually wiggle my ears (the whole ear, not the tops) and touch my tongue to my nose. Not sure if that would have helped the situation, a half naked lady wiggling her ears.
I think you’re on to something with the eyebrows.
Ooh La La
Okay, your comment to the park ranger was just absolutely priceless, and I love so much that not only are you clearly not going to die of humiliation any time soon — because I would seriously miss you lots — you’ve got “the outgoing guts” (in the words of of Sylvia Plath) to make these moments writable and let us share in the fun.
I think all my years of being terribly awkward have thickened my skin to this kind of shit. Thank goodness because I’d be dead ten times over.
Oh my God, this was too funny! Thanks for starting out my day with a smile 🙂
I’m sure you didn’t anticipate starting your day off with someone else’s vagina, but I’m glad it made you smile!
You told this story like a champ. I loved every word, you know, minus flashing a poor innocent jogger.
If I’m going to humiliate myself, you guys might as well get something out of it.
I love to start my weekend off with hilarious stories about your vagina. Well, that and coffee.
“The best part of wakin’ up, is Jen’s vag in your cup!”
It’s really hard to believe we’re single.
I KNOW.
I have totally been there… as both characters in this masterful play (except that they saw an incredibly averaged size penis instead of a sausage wallet when I was playing your fantastic role).
But they saw the most INCREDIBLE averaged size penis in the world.
Sounds like you had the good fortune to run into a perfect gentleman.
Or someone who’s about to blog up a storm about this from his perspective; you might want to set up a Google alert, just to be on the safe side…
Uh oh, I just saw “The Hills Are Alive With The Sounds of Vagina” in my post alerts…
Hahaha! Oh Jen, I’m crying at my new word for vagina, sausage wallet.
I have the smallest bladder ever, so I have a lot of awkward peeing in nature/on the side of the road stories too. The last time Steve and I were down on 6th street, I drank too much beer. I went before we left, but trying to find a cab after 2 am takes forever…after about an hour walking and waiting for one, then getting turned away from public restrooms because it was after hours I had to duck into an alley or piss my pants like a toddler (emergency!!!), and Steve was trying to block for me. I had already dropped trou behind the dumpster, when some guys walked up. I heard him politely asking them to wait to cut through for just a second. He didn’t want to say why, but then finally said, umm…my wife had to pee really bad, can you please just wait until she gets her pants up?
The rowdy group of *gay* men, said, Bitch please, do we look like we care about seeing your wife’s business?…and walked on through. I just waved to them with my butt hanging out and squatting like a hobo while they laughed and made fun of me.
I consider it a win since it wasn’t a cop, and I didn’t get arrested for public urination.
It doesn’t compare at all to your scenic point Furby story, but I thought it might make you feel better to share some of my own humiliation.
Hilarious post!
The first time you use the phrase ‘sausage wallet’ your husband is going to wonder just exactly what happened at Blogger Interactive. I think we all may be a bad influence on you.
Your story is terrible because those guys KNEW they were going to humiliate you, and you just had to suck it up and let them walk by. I loved that you were polite enough to wave even though your butthole was exposed. GREAT manners!
You know how sometimes you post a long comment and wish you could edit it, or that you’d sent it in PM, or you just want un-tell the story of how you’re all class and peed behind a dumpster because it was early in the morning and you forgot how much traffic your friend Jen probably gets?
Hearing you say polite enough to wave when your butthole was exposed kind of made all that commenter regret I was feeling worth it!
Oh, this is a place where people can spill their secrets without shame. Take a look around. Does this look like a place full of judgement? Besides, if anyone ever gives you a bad time, point them to my blog and say, “AT LEAST I’M NOT THAT.”
Uh oh!
Tell me about it.
I wonder what the guy responded with if the ranger asked him the same question. Does he now refer to that jogging trail as Mt. Furby? Does your vag smell mountain fresh? So many questions!!
Ranger: “See anything good up there sir?”
Jogger: “Just a Furby.”
Ranger: “Hmm, never heard of it. I’ll have to see if it’s native to Oregon.”
Oh my sweet christ…I am crying tears of laughter right now. I read this aloud to Mr. Speaker7 and he was laughing hysterically. I salute you and your vagina.
I’ve impressed the Speaker clan? It’s like, I could die today and have lived a totally full life.
I sort of know how he felt.
HA! Thank god I wasn’t spread eagle…
That would be my luck, too. Furby cootch and all. 🙂
You and I should probably never go hiking together.
I think you’re right. That’s too bad, though.