House of Cards

27 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 27

Topic: Greeting cards- the final frontier


I didn’t intend to do another set of greeting cards as I have already done two posts like this during NaNoWriNO. In the comments section of the last post like this, a few of you requested specific/customized cards. How can I possibly say no? You guys have been kind enough to read this crap every single day for a month, the least I can do is give back a little.

To old wife from new wife (requested by UndercoverL)

Mother’s Day card for a terrible mom (requested by UndercoverL)

Early birthday card for Madame Weebles

Christmas card for Emily

Thanksgiving card for Lyssa

Final note: I am going to be making a fun little greeting card line on the side. The people have spoken, and I was listening. I’ll let you guys know when that is up and running.

Final final note: Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday yesterday. I had the craziest day ever, and haven’t gotten a chance to respond, but wanted you all to know I read each word and was very appreciative.


Thanks to the following bloggers for making these requests:

NaNoWriNo Day 26

NaNoWriNO Day 28

81 Responses to “House of Cards”

  1. mabukach 11/27/2012 at 3:20 pm #

    Funny shit! Nothing says christmas like buddy jesus and ass spreads.

  2. Lyssapants 11/27/2012 at 1:43 pm #

    Yessss!!! This will come especially helpful next year.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:58 pm #

      I like that you’re planning ahead to destroy next Thanksgiving. It shows you’ve got determination.

      • Lyssapants 11/28/2012 at 2:14 pm #

        Good, quality destruction always requires planning.

  3. badfads 11/27/2012 at 1:16 pm #

    Happy belated birthday!

    And I love your cards.

  4. Fern DeVilliers 11/27/2012 at 1:01 pm #

    Same as La La. I can hardly wait for your cards to come out for real. Funny as always.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:58 pm #

      I’m going to make at least $50 from this side business!

  5. La La 11/27/2012 at 12:23 pm #

    I will absolutely be buying your cards!

    • GiggsMcGill Jill 11/27/2012 at 1:27 pm #

      Omg – me too! Could you have predicted NaNoWriMo leading into a side business?? 🙂

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:57 pm #

      “For when you care to send something to mediocre to someone you can’t stand”

  6. calahan 11/27/2012 at 11:26 am #

    I would buy your cards, Jen. I’d use a bad check, but I’d still buy your cards.

  7. kayjai 11/27/2012 at 11:22 am #

    These are AWESOME!! I would so buy one or all of these! Great job…

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:56 pm #

      I’ll definitely be posting when I make these for real.

  8. Bill Friday 11/27/2012 at 11:18 am #

    I need a holiday card like no other…
    ‘Cause I’m a man with no sister or brother…
    An “only child” limerick…
    Will do me the big trick…
    Until a well-written, all-purpose card that covers all forms of awkward family interaction during holidays, joyous celebrations, and all other odd ancillary social occasions is created and distributed under the catchy (and copyrighted) label, “Phonics by Tonic”.

    There… that ought to do it.

    (and my birthday is January 17th)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:55 pm #

      Does this mean I have to cut you in on the profits because I’m TOTALLY STEALING THAT NAME IDEA.

      Oh, and I’ll remember your birthday this year. I know I really didn’t do anything huge or big or orchestrated for your last birthday.

      • Bill Friday 11/28/2012 at 3:52 pm #

        Yeah, THAT birthday totally slipped by unnoticed.

  9. Storkhunter 11/27/2012 at 10:41 am #

    I so need the Mother’s Day one. Happy belated birthday

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:54 pm #

      Thanks lady! And who knows, you could be receiving EIGHT of these.

      • Storkhunter 11/28/2012 at 3:46 pm #

        Eight?? There was a possibility of five, where did the other three come from?

  10. becca3416 11/27/2012 at 10:37 am #

    I could have used that Thanksgiving card a few years ago. And every year since.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:54 pm #

      *puts arm around you* we need to celebrate thanksgiving together next year.

      • becca3416 11/28/2012 at 2:00 pm #

        Alright, but I mean, did you read my post from yesterday? Consider it fair warning.

  11. iRuniBreathe 11/27/2012 at 10:12 am #

    Happy Birthday after your actual birthday. Now let’s see the card you sent yourself.

  12. Carrie Rubin 11/27/2012 at 10:11 am #

    They’re all hilarious, but the one for Madame Weebles is a gem indeed. May we all live that long. 🙂

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:53 pm #

      I don’t need to live another day to have boobs that hit the floor. I just need to take off my bra.

  13. I am telling you right now: You could sell these! Starting crafting up some and putting them on etsy or pinterest! Do it now, woman!! 🙂

  14. UndercoverL 11/27/2012 at 9:55 am #

    I have to tell you off, Jen. I am supposed to be on permanent sabbatical from WordPress because I was unkind to my husband’s ex in my previous blog and he banned me from blogging. He doesn’t know I am on WordPress again. This morning, I thought I would start my day off by looking at my stats (no, I am NOT obsessed with followers and views), and I saw this post. I tried to hold it back, but I snorted in bed. Twice. My husband asked me what I was laughing at. I lied to him, Jen. I told my husband that I wasn’t laughing, I was clearing my nostrils. I lied to my husband because your clever writing methods are too great not to laugh at. If I get divorced over WordPress, Jen, I am blaming you. (I also might subpoena you because you can tell the court that my witty writing pleases all the people who are blessed to be able to read it– all 4 of you. I might need character witnesses.)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:52 pm #

      I may be responsible for breaking up a marriage. Wow. I’m kinda digging this new responsibility and power. Is this the first step to becoming a villain in a movie? I think it is.

      • UndercoverL 11/28/2012 at 4:47 pm #

        The boys won’t come to your milkshake because… Your. Milk. Is. Sour. (duhn, duhn, DUHN) You ARE a villain!

  15. Madame Weebles 11/27/2012 at 9:53 am #

    I’m weeping with laughter and gratitude. WEEPING.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:51 pm #

      You can thank me in person when I’m over changing your diaper.

  16. A Dog With Fleas 11/27/2012 at 9:47 am #

    Pure genious and kudos for making a girl choke on her coffee in the morning!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:51 pm #

      I hope you recovered! Wouldn’t want anyone dying here.

  17. Combat Babe 11/27/2012 at 9:08 am #

    That first one. Oh my oh my. I saved that shit right there. I even shared it with a friend whose husband is living with another woman, but won’t admit it even though we know. He’s in the Navy and stationed across the country.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:51 pm #

      WOW! He is seriously doing that? Kudos to your friend for not going psycho pants on him. I hope the card helps.

  18. Daan van den Bergh 11/27/2012 at 9:07 am #

    Well, if I die tomorrow, I can honestly say I lived long enough to crap myself, cause I just did… So thanks loads < See what I did there?

  19. Dani Heart 11/27/2012 at 8:45 am #

    I love the Christmas and Thanksgiving ones. So much fun. LOL

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:50 pm #

      You and Noelle will be getting some in the mail 😉

  20. DeeDee 11/27/2012 at 8:11 am #

    Yay for seizing entrepreneurial opportunity!

  21. aliceatwonderland 11/27/2012 at 7:24 am #

    I really don’t know why you aren’t at Hallmark. When you care to send the very shittiest, just ask Jen, I say. You could also take over the channel and make movies that were about mean hooker mothers who ruin Thanksgiving and get depressed at Christmas and burn down the houses of their husband’s ex’s. Wait – they already have that on Lifetime. Nevermind.

    Hey, you should totally work for Lifetime.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:49 pm #

      I would love to produce those movies! My first film would be, “My daughter got pregnant with my gardener’s baby who also happens to be my lover…but wait! He’s bisexual and also sleeping with my husband”

      That’s a working title.

  22. jiltaroo 11/27/2012 at 7:08 am #

    Hmmm makes me want to write a poem…any suggestions? I can spurt filth and obcenities and make them rhyme…don’t you worry about that!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:48 pm #

      The holiday season! It’s coming up, and it looks like people really want to hear cuss words in the same line about their families.

  23. Ericka Clay 11/27/2012 at 6:33 am #

    Happy belated birthday! And tripping over tits has to be the greatest imagery ever created.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:48 pm #

      It’s a beautiful thing to be able to just kick your boob out of the way.

  24. Christopher De Voss 11/27/2012 at 5:18 am #

    That Thanksgiving card…it’s like you were there! Spooky!

  25. nikkix2 11/27/2012 at 5:15 am #

    OMG,,,your so hiliarious!!
    Happy Belated Birthday Gurl!

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