Hallmark My Words

18 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 18

Topic: Greeting cards – Part 2

What do Charles Bukowski, E. E. Cummings, Langston Hughes and Jen and Tonic have in common? They are all amazing poets who have not only gifted the world with their words, but also with their incredibly sexy bodies.

My Poetic License post seemed to be a hit, and really showcased how versatile and talented and ridiculously funny I am as a writer. Who else could marry herpes and Slurpees in the form of a sympathy card? A GENIUS.

Ready for Round 2? I am.

For the happy husband on his wedding day

For the new graduate in your life

For your wife on your anniversary

For your husband on your anniversary

It feels good to be a gangster.


Thanks to Cathy at Large Self who suggested I do another set of cards from the Hooked on Tonicยฎ greeting card line.

NaNoWriNO Day 17

NaNoWriNO Day 19

67 Responses to “Hallmark My Words”

  1. GiggsMcGill Jill 11/19/2012 at 3:23 pm #

    I can’t wait to have a husband and a ten year anniversary now!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/19/2012 at 4:26 pm #

      RIGHT?! I’m creating my OkCupid profile as we speak.

      • GiggsMcGill Jill 11/19/2012 at 7:11 pm #

        Oooo, then you can get a man who knows “all about your pleasure waves” or laugh at your “rear”!! *pleasure shiver??*

  2. becca3416 11/19/2012 at 1:14 pm #

    My favorite was the grad one!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/19/2012 at 4:23 pm #

      If there are any new grads in your life, please distribute at your leisure.

  3. Lyssapants 11/19/2012 at 12:42 pm #

    I need a card for Thanksgiving that preemptively says, “Sorry I got horribly drunk because that’s the only way I can stand to be around you people. Also, sorry I threw up into the turkey’s a-hole.”
    Can you make that happen?

  4. Fern DeVilliers 11/18/2012 at 7:33 pm #

    Yep, yep, do think you have a serious business here. And BJ’s are a cure all in our house LOL.

  5. Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher 11/18/2012 at 5:51 pm #

    You missed your vocation…

  6. Emily @ The Waiting 11/18/2012 at 4:42 pm #

    Can you wrote a Christmas card for me?! These are awesome!

  7. calahan 11/18/2012 at 4:17 pm #

    These are great. Seriously, these would be a good thing to sell.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 8:34 pm #

      I’m seriously considering it. It would be a fun side project.

  8. writerwendyreid 11/18/2012 at 2:46 pm #

    hahahaha…..classics Jen. ๐Ÿ™‚

  9. Daan van den Bergh 11/18/2012 at 12:25 pm #


    I love these cards, especially the last two!

    You are a gangster, aren’t you… You got the stuff? I got the money…

  10. tara 11/18/2012 at 12:14 pm #

    Those are fucking awesome!

  11. SocietyRed 11/18/2012 at 11:51 am #

    These are great! You are twisted, and funny!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 12:40 pm #

      I’m glad everyone seems to like my sick sense of humor. You are my kind of people!

  12. The Bumble Files 11/18/2012 at 11:44 am #

    You’ve done it again, Miss! It’s a hit.

  13. A Dog With Fleas 11/18/2012 at 11:22 am #

    Hallmark needs to set up a new line just for your cards! I know the Anniversary ones would sell out in seconds.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 12:39 pm #

      I am going to print off the comments section of this post and mail it to them. I’ve already got a card fan base!

  14. Storkhunter 11/18/2012 at 10:34 am #

    Love the wedding card How ’bout one for the wife? My anniversary is coming up. I so need that card (probably should get myself knocked up first coz I can’t imagine the card will help :))

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 12:38 pm #

      Always make sure to procure the sperm before getting sassy.

  15. Madame Weebles 11/18/2012 at 9:52 am #

    I would have commented much earlier today except that I’ve been speechless with awe and wonder at your brilliance. These are the fucking BEST.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 12:37 pm #

      Your birthday is coming up! I may have to do a customized one just for you.

  16. Dani Heart 11/18/2012 at 9:38 am #

    wow. LOL fun post Jen.

  17. UndercoverL 11/18/2012 at 9:00 am #

    Where can I buy each and every one of these? Can I make a request for a mother’s day card for a horrible mother? How about a happy used-to-be anniversary, both from an ex and from the new wife? Girl, we need to start a business in the snarky card-writing industry. My ideas, your amazing poetry… We would be famous.

    • UndercoverL 11/18/2012 at 9:01 am #

      I can totally secure investors… Lots of them.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 12:36 pm #

      Sure! I’ll throw this topic back into the hat. I promise that even if I don’t pick it for NaNoWriNO, I’ll do it at some point in the future.

      • UndercoverL 11/19/2012 at 9:08 am #

        I’ve been thinking about this for reals over the weekend. (My life is so exciting.) I was thinking of a few more topics: the card to the neighbors kid who finally got picked up for dealing drugs (or the neighbor who got picked up), the card from the guy who ran over your dog (my apologies) or your cat (you owe me a beer for doing you the favor), the card from the guy who’s porking your wife, the card uninviting anyone to anything (just did that to my parents for Thanksgiving)… just letting the creative juices flow.

        • Jen and Tonic 11/19/2012 at 4:07 pm #

          I love that you were thinking about this over the weekend! It seems people loved my cards. I honestly never expected that.

          Consider them added.

  18. La La 11/18/2012 at 8:49 am #

    “You can make up for it all with a nice blowjob.” You thoroughly captured the “man” depth and feeling here. Hallmark is nothing without you.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 12:32 pm #

      I said, “Jen, what would men want for their anniversary?” I couldn’t figure out anything that rhymed with ‘anal’ so I went for blowjob instead.

  19. artsifrtsy 11/18/2012 at 8:24 am #

    When you care enough to send the very best… So heartwarming. How soon will they be available at Kroger?

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 12:30 pm #

      I think my tagline should be: “When you’re supposed to care…”

      • artsifrtsy 11/18/2012 at 12:57 pm #

        I love it! When you just don’t give a shit.

  20. isawbobdylaninaspeedo 11/18/2012 at 7:55 am #

    You ARE a gangstah!!!!! Loved the Anniversary one best…probably because of the use of the word ‘skids’ WELL DONE my friend.

  21. Cathy Ulrich 11/18/2012 at 6:48 am #

    Thank you, Jen. It was worth the wait! I do think this could be a second career for you.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 12:29 pm #

      Oddly enough, when I was little, I wanted to write greeting cards for a living. Not sure why, but I did. It’s what made me want to get a job at Hallmark when I was in high school. Who knows, this could be my big shot!

  22. Carrie Rubin 11/18/2012 at 6:32 am #

    I’ll be surprised if Hallmark doesn’t call and offer you employment.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 12:29 pm #

      Me too! It’s obvious I could breathe new life into their company.

  23. nikkix2 11/18/2012 at 6:18 am #

    Your a fucking legend!!!
    Honestly,,you should make these and sell them, you would make mint.
    And,,,I could sell them for you up here, in Canada,,for a few loonies!! (Hint,,hint) ๐Ÿ˜‰

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 12:27 pm #

      My card line is going GLOBAL?! This is more than I dreamed of.

      • nikkix2 11/18/2012 at 1:20 pm #

        And,,,i’m gonna run the Canadian part right,,,right???,,lol

        • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 1:23 pm #

          You’ll be the VP of my Maple Syrup division.

          • nikkix2 11/18/2012 at 1:24 pm #

            Fucken Eh!!

  24. speaker7 11/18/2012 at 5:20 am #

    I wept over the beauty in the anniversary cards. “Fat-headed kids”….poetry.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 12:27 pm #

      I really know how to bring two people together on their special day


  1. Live Long and Prosper « Sips of Jen and Tonic - 11/19/2012

    […] NaNoWriNO Day 18 […]

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