Apologies Are In Order

22 Jan

I think I may be the neighbor from hell. I don’t throw raucous parties, or drive like one of those douchebag Audi owners through the parking lot. I pick up other people’s trash, and have even been known to say hi when I’m not daydreaming about almond croissants.

Despite my best efforts to be a decent member of society, some apologies to current and former neighbors are definitely in order.

To the neighbor who saw me topless:

Your expression really said it all. It was a mixture of pity, lust and confusion. Coincidentally, that was the same look I once gave to my reflection after eating an entire Little Caesar’s pizza by myself. I’m sure you had no idea that breasts could double as suspenders, or have so many stretch marks that it looks like there’s a freeway system tattooed on them. The truth is, puberty was not kind to me, and my breasts are now registered weapons in nine states. I guess I should’ve rushed to cover myself up, but I was pretty sure it was the last opportunity I’d ever have to show my chesticles to a man, and I had to soak it up. I’m sorry if this has stirred up a weird fetish, and your future wife finds you searching for “low-hanging tits” on the internet one day.

saggy breasts, meme, boobs, chesticles, stretch marks

To the neighbor who saw me peeing in the bushes outside his window:

You’ll be happy to know my drinking has calmed down considerably since we lived next door to each other. I had a bionic liver at the time, and was known for consuming so much liquor that you could cut me, and get drunk off of my blood. That night I had downed an entire bottle of Hennessy along with a few Smirnoff Ices by myself. I’m embarrassed by this not because I was drinking alone, but because no self-respecting human being drinks a Smirnoff Ice. I had been playing “Wannabe” by Spice Girls for what seemed like 17 hours, and prancing around my apartment like some drugged up Burning Man hippie. I was so disoriented that I couldn’t remember where my own bathroom was, and wandered outside to find a place to pee. I pulled down my underwear, steadied myself against your window, and started treating the bush like one of R. Kelly’s dates. I am very sorry that the commotion woke you from your slumber, and forced you to stare directly at my urine-soaked labia.

bush

To the neighbor who saw me retrieve food from a dumpster:

You seemed like a nice guy, and despite the fact that you’d adjust your balls from inside your pants, were the most normal person in that complex. It’s very important to me that you understand I don’t normally search dumpsters for food like a rabid raccoon. Anyone who has smoked pot will tell you that hunger can consume you, and you’ll find yourself eating bizarre concoctions like peanut butter and smoked salmon tacos while laughing hysterically at your hand (which you’ve just discovered is hilarious). I was a human garbage disposal that night: deli meat, a banana, leftover lasagna, and an entire bottle of dijon mustard. In an attempt to be healthier, I’d thrown out a bag of chips the night before; I blame Suzanne Somers who had hypnotized me through my television with her thighs of steel. I needed those chips back, and my trash bag ended up being much harder to find than I anticipated. That’s why you found me waist-deep in garbage calling out to a bag of Dorito’s as if we were playing Marco Polo.

Dumpster

To the neighbor I accidentally farted on:

I promise you that I don’t go around farting on people for fun. Except my sisters. And my 7-year-old nephew. And my roommate. Sometimes I’ll crop dust strangers, but that’s only if I think they deserve it. Not only was I menstruating the day I let my ass whisper on you, but I had also eaten some questionable chicken the night before. Do you know what that combination does to a woman? There was a 5-car pile-up in my gut, and I was worried that holding it in would result in me burping up something that tasted like what Charlie Sheen looks like. You crept up so quietly at the mailboxes, and I had no idea you were behind me when I unleashed the Hindenburg on you. I’m sorry for not only spraying you with my fecal dust, but for not having the courage to look you in the eye and apologize.

IBS, charlie sheen, humor, meme, winning, tiger's blood, fart, shart

I can’t take back my shameful behavior, and I wish I could say I’ve grown as a person since then. Anyone who has read this blog even once would know that’s a huge lie. I just want you to know I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for exposing myself to you.

I’m sorry for invading your dreams with my bodily functions.

I’m sorry for having dinner in the community trash can.

I’m sorry for my booty cough.

I’m sorry, I really am.

198 Responses to “Apologies Are In Order”

  1. Laxman Prajapati 01/31/2014 at 8:22 pm #

    Nice πŸ™‚

  2. JR 01/28/2014 at 11:28 pm #

    Wow. That just tore me apart. You. are. funny.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/29/2014 at 10:53 am #

      I tore you apart? Shit, let me break out my needle and thread.

  3. Smaktakula 01/27/2014 at 2:36 pm #

    Heh–Booty cough.
    I saw my neighbor topless once, and it was pretty rough–he’s an ex-cop with diabetes. In comparison, I’m sure your breasts were magnificent orbs of delight.

    • Smaktakula 01/27/2014 at 2:38 pm #

      And I hope that didn’t sound too pervy, ’cause from this side, it kinda did.

      • Jen and Tonic 01/28/2014 at 10:20 pm #

        On the contrary, I am flattered. My breasts have never been called magnificent orbs of delight. More like, “what the hell? skin can stretch like that?”

  4. jeanjames 01/26/2014 at 7:18 am #

    “Ass whisper” and “Fecal Dust” you know I have to use those next time one of my patients lets one go….absolutely brilliant!! This was hysterically funny, best read all week!!

    • Jen and Tonic 01/27/2014 at 8:55 am #

      Thanks, Jean! I hope your patients appreciate all of the colorful language you’ve picked up!

  5. The Cutter 01/25/2014 at 9:57 am #

    Hey, who among us hasn’t farted on one of our neighbors? Well, me, I guess. But I’m sure that a few others have done it. Maybe.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/27/2014 at 8:54 am #

      You haven’t lived until you’ve farted on your neighbor.

      • The Cutter 01/27/2014 at 9:04 am #

        Maybe I’ll knock on their door and try it tonight. Better go load up on fiber now.

  6. Gunmetal Geisha 01/24/2014 at 11:10 pm #

    You just killed me, lady.

    “The day I let my ass whisper on you…”

    • Jen and Tonic 01/27/2014 at 8:54 am #

      I promise you that I respect you too much to ever do the thing that would force me to utter that exact phrase to you.

      • Gunmetal Geisha 01/27/2014 at 9:01 am #

        Immunity — I love it! Or rather, the best of both worlds: I get the benefit of the hilarity, but from a safe distance.

  7. stephrogers 01/24/2014 at 2:50 pm #

    Have not laughed this much in ages
    Thank you Jen and I wish we were neighbours
    (I wrote you poetry. Be impressed)

    • Jen and Tonic 01/24/2014 at 10:50 pm #

      I wish we were neighbors too! Imagine all the trouble we’d get into.

  8. rollergiraffe 01/24/2014 at 2:27 pm #

    My neighbours all seem horribly disappointing now. I’ll pout about it over an almond croissant, because those things are the best.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/24/2014 at 10:50 pm #

      We should get together sometime and eat almond croissants. Maybe make out too, but I’ll leave that up to you.

  9. NotAPunkRocker 01/24/2014 at 1:50 pm #

    How did I miss this?

    *shakes fist at WP reader*

    • Jen and Tonic 01/24/2014 at 10:49 pm #

      WP has been acting a fool!

      • NotAPunkRocker 01/24/2014 at 10:50 pm #

        I’m shocked. SHOCKED, I tell you.

        πŸ˜‰

  10. Becki Duckworth 01/24/2014 at 9:43 am #

    The funniest post I read all week, All is acceptable in PBX. I am stealing the. “booty cough”, It’s even better than my, “you don’t know shit about fuck.” I had a migraine when I read this in bed yesterday , I want you to know because I laughed so hard my head really throbbed and I had to take 2 more vicodin. It was worth it and then I was really high!

    • Jen and Tonic 01/24/2014 at 10:49 pm #

      You laughed through a migraine? I am either that funny, or you are a woman with ovaries of steel. Hope you’re feeling better!

      • Becki Duckworth 01/25/2014 at 9:58 am #

        Haha, yes I did, I had the migraine hangover, today I am back to my old piss and vinegar self. I see you are too.

  11. MissFourEyes 01/24/2014 at 7:21 am #

    Farts should be more encouraged. When you gotta fart, you gotta fart. I imagine a more fart-friendly world someday, where neighbors are more accepting of each other’s bodily functions. “Hey Mike!” “Hi Bob, massive fart you just dropped back there. Have a good one!”

    • Jen and Tonic 01/24/2014 at 10:48 pm #

      It sounds like you want to start this revolution with me. You are hereby named the President of the Fart Acceptance Coalition.

  12. tracy fulks 01/24/2014 at 4:59 am #

    Fucking. Hilarious.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/24/2014 at 10:46 pm #

      I don’t want to just be hilarious. I want that fuck in there.

  13. You Monsters Are People 01/23/2014 at 11:53 pm #

    You’re probably fine. I doubt their dreams are haunted to a point where they wake up screaming.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/24/2014 at 10:46 pm #

      Thank god. I was trying to figure out how I’d pay for the therapy bills people would be sending me.

  14. merlinspielen 01/23/2014 at 4:43 pm #

    Wow my neighbours are apparently rather mundane ordinary uninspired average typical suburbanites. And now I can’t get the entire peeing on the bush thing out of my mind. All I can think is two Bushes and a white house pissing the economy away…it is like performance art making a deep political statement. The meta-meta transcendental symbology just blowing my mind away. Oh my scotch glass is empty now. Time for a refill.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/23/2014 at 5:27 pm #

      I had no idea that my public urination was really just performance art.

      • merlinspielen 01/23/2014 at 5:30 pm #

        You just gotta work on the marketing and PR angle. Well apparently you got the P it is the R that may be missing πŸ™‚

  15. Sean Smithson 01/23/2014 at 1:47 am #

    See. Right here. The first four episodes of the Jen show!

    I wanted to reference particular favourite lines of mine but those bitches Weebles and Speaker 7 stole them already… You MUST go on to Urban Dictionary and submit booty cough by the way. Carry on.

    • jaklumen 01/23/2014 at 8:41 am #

      I double checked to see if it was submitted yet. It hasn’t, so I second the vote that it be submitted.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/23/2014 at 8:50 am #

      Imagine my surprise when I went to Urban Dictionary and saw that it wasn’t already a word! Years from now, when future civilizations uncover Urban Dictionary, I want them to see this mark I left on the world.

      And yes, you’ve really convinced me I need to start writing some kind of sitcom based on my life. I’m not 100% convinced people want to watch someone eat trash out of a dumpster, but it’s worth a shot.

      • Melanie 01/23/2014 at 9:18 am #

        How can you not be 100% convinced anyone would watch you eat out of a trash dumpster? Hello “My Strange Addiction”. A dumpster. Sheesh. Of course, just the dumpster trick probably wouldn’t get you up over the PG rating, so totally mention the chesticles and urine soaked labia in your pitch so you can get a rating with some fun in it.

        • Jen and Tonic 01/23/2014 at 9:08 pm #

          I do love that show. If I can inspire even one person to eat out of the trash can, my job here is done.

  16. jaklumen 01/22/2014 at 11:06 pm #

    but I was pretty sure it was the last opportunity I’d ever have to show my chesticles to a man

    Don’t you remember my “droopie boobies” comment? If I was your neighbor, I’d probably have said, “Eh, I’ve got a pair of those on the missus at home.” Before you think Cimmorene will haul off and slap me for sayng that, I’ll simply say that they come with certain advantages. For her and me. Yes, let your imagination run wild– you’ll likely be close enough.

    peeing in the bushes outside his window

    Again I invoke the wisdom of Cimmy– my understanding is that it’s better to find a thick patch of grass, sit on it, and piss that way. More privacy preserved. *cough* I have seen it in action. She has taught it to our daughter. Got to be something there. When ya got to go, you got to go.

    Anyone who has smoked pot will tell you that hunger can consume you

    I am trying to remember what a friend of mine said he ate when he smoked the J. Something like mayo, peanut butter, and pickles… I can’t remember…

    the neighbor I accidentally farted on

    Besides your personal trainer, is there anyone else you’ve accidentally farted on?

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 11:10 pm #

      I do remember your droopy boobies comment. A friend of mine is the one who told me that there are saggy breast fetish movies out there, and I’m sure they’re doing whatever it is you’re referring to.

      If I had sat down that night, there would not have been getting up. Almost seems more shameful to have someone find me passed out in the complex grass.

      I have accidentally farted on all but one of my ex-boyfriends. I’ve also farted on them on purpose.

      • jaklumen 01/23/2014 at 8:37 am #

        That and probably more.

        Yes, I realized after writing my comment, that I did not properly account for inebriation.

        Farted on purpose, eh? Was that some way of, hmm, marking your territory? (“You can’t have him, he’s already got my scent on him!”)

        • Jen and Tonic 01/23/2014 at 8:45 am #

          Yes, exactly. I saw how well it worked for animals on the Discovery Channel.

          • jaklumen 01/23/2014 at 8:46 am #

            and there’s my first chuckle of the day… this post keeps on givin’

  17. talesfromthemotherland 01/22/2014 at 9:22 pm #

    Off to bed… laughing. πŸ™‚

  18. georgia + darlin' 01/22/2014 at 6:04 pm #

    Laughing aloud to “I let my ass whisper on you” makes me feel like I am twelve again. Thank you!!

    You are too funny. If it makes you feel any better, I am not sure you can beat my horrible neighbors (I dunno if you remember my post, but I’ll just say… police raid, sex offender, flooded their apartment/leaked into ours, critters… sigh).

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 9:19 pm #

      The only thing can outdo your neighbors is a DIY meth lab, and that’s much more Pacific Northwest than Texas.

  19. The Hook 01/22/2014 at 4:02 pm #

    Jen.
    This was one of your best, young lady. It was legendary, even!
    We’ll have to 5×5 soon.
    Be well,
    The Hook.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 9:18 pm #

      Yes, but I expect payment in the form of unending adoration. My love doesn’t come cheap.

  20. lisermarie2013 01/22/2014 at 3:54 pm #

    Booty cough.

    You kill me, girl.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 9:18 pm #

      Thank god this is one cough that isn’t contagious.

  21. oddgirlnextdoor 01/22/2014 at 3:48 pm #

    OMG, you are so friggin hilarious!!! Can’t. Stop. Laughing! πŸ˜€

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 9:17 pm #

      You posted that comment hours ago. I hope you were able to contain yourself since then.

      • oddgirlnextdoor 01/22/2014 at 10:18 pm #

        Not really. I just read it again to my bf, after this, I’ll have abs of steel rotf! Quite hilarious, and you shouldn’t be sorry: I thank you for sharing πŸ˜€

        • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 10:28 pm #

          This really is a fitness blog. Except for the excess talk about junk food and how lazy I am.

          • oddgirlnextdoor 01/22/2014 at 11:02 pm #

            We’re all a little lazy, nothing wrong with that, and I happen to adore junk food, much to my stomach’s chagrin. I keep trying to tell it to shut up and take it like it man. It’d be fine if it didn’t give me so much heart burn haha πŸ™‚

  22. mollytopia 01/22/2014 at 3:31 pm #

    Bahahaha – oh my gahhhd this post is killing me! In the best possible way. Hilarious hilarious hilarious.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 9:16 pm #

      I am trying to make this blog less murder-y so I’m glad I killed you in a good way.

  23. Nicole Marie 01/22/2014 at 2:33 pm #

    Oh my God, this is spectacular. I tried so hard to muffle my cackles while the husband naps on the other couch. But I just couldn’t do it.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 9:13 pm #

      Apologize to your husband from me. Just ANOTHER person’s sleep I’ve interrupted.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Group Therapy: January « HACKER. NINJA. HOOKER. SPY. - 01/30/2014

    […] β€œI turned the corner, and there was a dumpster with what looked like an animal behind it. I walked up and poked my head around, and it was some dude jerking off. He looked at me, and just kept going.” Jen and Tonic […]

  2. It’s Been a While | This Is My Corn - 01/24/2014

    […] Apologies Are In Order by Jen at Sips of Jen and Tonic (the reason I had to change my pants before I sat down to write) […]

Sound off on this Sip

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: