NaNoWriNO Day 15
Topic: Third Life Crisis
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This topic wasn’t suggested, but I thought I’d give myself a pass and write about it anyway. It’s something happening in my life, and is something I really need to get off my chest. Additionally, this is my blog and I’m a tyrant.
The truth is, I’ve been in some strange downward spiral over the last few months. Maybe it’s more of a sadness black hole I’m being sucked into. Whatever it is, I want so badly to get off this train to crazy town already.
It’s not one thing plaguing me. Some people can identify that it’s their job or relationship or financial situation. Mine is…everything. I suffer from anxiety, and have a history of depression. It’s mostly under control thanks to coping mechanisms I’ve acquired over the years, but it occasionally creeps up on me. It feels like a ton of bricks crashing down on me, and then having a steamroller come by and run my ass over.
Sometimes I lay awake at night worrying about everything. I’m sure I’m going to get laid-off at work. I’m sure my parents are disappointed in me. I’m sure I didn’t pay all of my bills on time. I’m sure I didn’t lock the front door. I once got out of bed at 4 in the morning and brushed my teeth twice because I had eaten candy earlier in the night, and was convinced my teeth would fall out overnight if I didn’t. Anxiety is the mistress you wish would stop calling your house.
Then there’s the depression. Some days a cloud of malaise hangs over me, but it’s still manageable. I have a beer, or crawl into my sweats and watch reality television until it’s time for bed. Other times I wake up nearly in tears, and have to force myself to get out of bed.
Most people are really surprised to learn this about me. I’ve been told several times, “You’re the happiest person I know. What’s your secret?” My secret is that I’m a fucking wreck on the inside.
Eventually the fog lifts, and I poke my head out. Lather, rinse, repeat.
One of the worst things about these afflictions is the extreme guilt and embarrassment you feel as a result. You’ve let people see you at your worst, and you wonder if you could have done more to be better for them. Forgiving yourself is the hardest part of it all.
I’m choosing to forgive myself for this 12 rounds in the ring with my mind. I’m a good person, and I don’t deserve to punish myself the way that I do. One of the techniques I’ve used to center myself is to think about all of the good qualities I have. It’s a reminder that I am a sum of all of my parts.
Here are five things I love about who I am:
- I’m generous. I would give you the shirt off of my back if you needed it, and would go broke helping a friend. I donate money to good causes, and volunteer when and where I can. I send presents to loved ones for no other reason than to make them smile. My heart is open in this way, and I invite all deserving people in.
- I’m accepting. I talk all kinds of shit on this blog about people or things I don’t like, but it’s mostly for humor’s sake. In reality, I’m totally supportive of people doing whatever makes them happy as long as it isn’t hurting anyone. I’ve learned to love people for the things they are, and the things they are not.
- I’m trustworthy. I am a keeper of many secrets, some more considerable than others. I take people telling me things in confidence very seriously, and a violation of a person’s faith in me would be an egregious error. There are some secrets that are really only important to the person sharing, but there are others I’d be willing to die for.
- I blaze my own trail. I’ve never been conventional in the way I do anything, and I live my life for myself. Sometimes this makes life really hard, but the reward is that once I reach my goals, they’re the goals I wanted. After I got Freshly Pressed, I wrote to my parents to let them know. One of the things my dad wrote back was, “[I] admire that you’re doing your thing in your own time.” I admire that about me too.
- I’m funny. My childhood was nothing less than a disaster, but out of that carnage came the ability to laugh at life. I think laughter is one of the greatest things you can give another person, and is a way of sharing a part of yourself while still having fun. I hope that I bring the ha-has on this blog.
I want each of you reading this to do what I’ve done above, and post five things you love about yourself in the comments section below. You don’t need to have inner turmoil, nor do you need to worry about coming across as an egomaniac. This is about reminding ourselves that there is someone very special who lives inside the exterior we show to the outside world.
One day I want to be able to look back on this post and be proud of myself for it. Proud that I wrote it. Proud that I shared it. More than anything, proud that I did those things with people like you.
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Thanks to Jen at The Rollergiraffe for giving me the courage to write this post. She wrote this post which inspired me to write this one. She’s a great writer, and a funny lady so please check her out.
Sips of Jen and Tonic 
Wow! I think I might need another cup of coffee for this… trails off thinking what the hell am I going to say…sighs…okay back with more coffee. 🙂 takes a deep breathe…holds it for just a moment…exhaling now… Jen I can totally relate to anxiety.. and it so sucks. I am a natural worrier and I struggle all the time to keep it in check.So many nights I can’t shut off my brain as I try to go to sleep and I too have gotten back up to check a door, or right something that I am sure was left in disarray, and I worry sometimes about such silly things. I have to say that I have had bouts of depression but they have been surrounding specific events or goings on in my life and luckily have been short lived. I cannot imagine dealing with that regularly. My heart goes out to you. You are a beautiful person, and I mean on the inside where it matters the most. 🙂 It’s funny, in an ironic sort of way..lol that this post comes this morning as just yesterday…I was really beating myself up a bit…so maybe it’s a good time to reflect on the qualities that are worth highlighting.
1) I love that I chose to get educated and do the work to stop the cycle of abuse that I suffered growing up. I am proud that as a parent I did not pass that on! For those of you who (know) that is so much easier said than done. 🙂
2) I love my sense of humor. It has helped me through some of the toughest crap.
3) I love that I love with my whole heart. It hurts sometimes but I just don’t know how to do it any other way.
4) I love that I love to make people smile… or go hmmm. 😉 We have to enjoy what and when we can and not take ourselves or life so seriously.
5) I love that I am attracting quality people to my life. That wasn’t always the case so I must have fixed something cause now I am surrounded by many wonderful people and I am so so grateful.
Side note: (True story) I have only been fired once from a job, and the reason is beyond ironic. I worked briefly for a tax preparation place. Believing as most of us do…that we bring our best and brightest to the work place and keep all the crap on the inside and at home, I showed up every day bright and cheerful as I could be… and one day after only maybe a week or two of work, I was called into the office and was let go. They said I was (too happy). No I am not joking. Too happy, so happy in fact that even though I had made no errors and had done everything that was required of me, they felt my happy attitude made me appear as though I did not take the job seriously. I was a fucking receptionist…wow! Well they succeeded that day in crushing me… I left in tears.. inconsolable as everyone watched. It was beyond humiliating..and the irony is…of course, that I wasn’t always happy.. I was merely doing my best not to bring my sadness to others.
First of all, those people who fired you are DICKS. Do you know how hard it is to find people who show up every day motivated to do a good job and be happy at the same time? Seriously, very difficult.
Secondly, I’m also happy you stopped the cycle of abuse. I’ve never been subjected to it, but I’ve seen some people I know go through it. It’s tough to break old habits, even when those habits weren’t yours.
Lastly, you are the sunshiniest (is that a word?) person I know. Always smiles and happy and loving and open-hearted. Please never change. The world needs more of that.
Hey Jen I just hope you can somehow find peace and acceptance on a regular basis and glide away through a fabulous life! You have so much going for yourself. I think even when this is the case we can slip into looking for validation from somewhere else. Then there are the battles we’re fighting from years ago, which makes the load heavier.
Every day is a clean slate. I remind myself of this to help me to get rid of the sludge of yesteryear. You are a generous soul for sharing something so real about yourself. This is helpful to me and to others I’m certain.
I use spiritual methods to clear my head of garbage. It also helps to connect me to people and to have compassion for all of us in the struggle together on the planet. The energy I get back from opening myself up is phenomenal. I hope the same for you…
I love the idea of each day being a clean slate. I really try to remind myself of that because when I get down like this, I beat myself up over “wasting my life being sad”. It’s a bad cycle.
I also agree with what you’ve said about needing validation. I believe it’s human nature to seek out reinforcement, and some of us need a bit more nurturing than others.
Thank you so much for sharing a bit of yourself here. You always speak very thoughtfully.
Lovely Jen! I can’t recall all the things I wrote in letter to you in one of my packages, but I’ll say it again, I love and adore you for who you are and you brightened up my world in ways that I can’t really put in words! Anyone who can have you as a friend is very lucky 🙂
Why is it always difficult to pinpoint things you love about yourself huh? I could totally relate to all you wrote, so I*tried* to come up with others hehe. Let’s start…
1) I’m a cheerful optimistic. I always try to find a positive side in things that happen in my life. They brought me to where I am now and shaped me into the person I’m today. A cheery attitude brought me more than a gloomy one.
2) I’m creative. I know lots of people know the obvious ones, like my art, writing and baking. But next to this I do like to dance and sing. And the latter are two that a lot don’t know about or would expect. I tend not to tell everyone about this as I’ve gotten remarks like “Oh. You can do it all huh?” and I despise this, because I put the time and effort in the things I love to do. They did not fall out of thin air. I’m not sure where I’d be without my creativity. It helps to make sense of a lot of things that aren’t making sense at all. You won’t see me bursting out in singing or dancing as I’m shy, but it’s a different way to be creative and they all calm me down in their own way.
3) I’m sincere when I’m being nice or friendly. I don’t see the point in being bitchy or mean. If I e.g. compliment you or ask you how you are, I mean it.
4) I’m independent. I don’t rely a whole lot on others and can manage to do a lot on my own.
5) I’m happy that I’m finally starting to accept who I really am. Sometimes this involves being a bit more self-centered than I used to be in the past (or like to be), but I realized that I can’t be there for someone else, if I’m not there for myself first.
Thank you so much for sharing a glimpse from your story. You inspire many around you by doing so. (I’ve my own piece regarding this coming up as soon as my site is done and I’m a wee bit nervous as it’s a different side of me to be read by the world.)
*waves* and a big XO!
Sorry I stole all of your traits! You want them back? Number 1-4 I definitely would have listed for you. Must admit, was surprised by #5 as I didn’t know you had trouble with that. I think you’ve earned the right to take care of yourself first. Never apologize for that.
And thank you for the kind words you include in all of your packages. They always get to me when I need them the most.
Haha! No, I do like to share them. 🙂
Yes, not sure if being the oldest at home has something to do with it as I had to set an example for others? But yeah, I did hid parts of me. Also, I’m glad that the packages come at the right time. Yours do exactly the same!
Thank you for sharing this. I can completely relate–I have a huge heart and a propensity towards depression, or as I once wrote, “my life is a perpetual existential crisis.” It’s really hard to open up and talk about it–to not only feel like a wreck and a disappointment, but to publicly admit that. I’ve done that (multiple times), and I promise you that laying of shit on the table helps. People care, we’re all here to support you.
As for what I love about myself:
1) I have a big heart and would do anything in help anyone. It’s like an overfilled water balloon that could burst at any moment if I’m not careful, but I sincerely care about people and I’d prefer heartbreak over apathy.
2) I’m excited about life. Most people think I’m a nutcase, but I’m always smiling and pointing out the wonderful little nuances that no one seems to notice. That sense of excitement tends to draw people towards me and bring joy into their lives.
3) I’m a damn genius. I’m intelligent, funny and the cleverest person I know. Though few others appreciate it, I love the realization that I meshed some obscure bits of knowledge into a brilliantly absurd joke that no one else understood. Even my mistakes are stellar–my phone’s auto-correct changed “How about a quick hug?” to “How about a dick hug?”–“umm, yes please.” said the guy at the other end of that conversation.
4) I love that–though completely lost when it comes to knowing what I want to do with my life–I know it MUST be what I want and what makes me come alive. I could never settle for mediocracy and I love knowing that I’ll always be pushing the envelop, trying to discover who I am and what I’m meant to do.
5) I love that I’m open-mind. I’ll talk to just about anyone, about anything, and I’m always up for trying something new. I love how novelty-seeking nature and my drive to experience new things and learn from them.
I haven’t thought about what I love about myself in ages, so thank you for this. 🙂
I love your genius! I laugh at things all the time that other people don’t think are funny. Can I have your phone’s auto-correct?
“my life is a perpetual existential crisis” I can’t tell you how much I love this. I swear I’ve been going through this since I was 8.
That autocorrect thing is hilarious! And I love that instead of being upset about it you saw what comedic gold it was.
#2 I sensed from you right away. I’m not sure what it was exactly that made me think about it, but I remember admiring how present in life you are.
You are inspiring, Jen, and I think you’re fantastic. You should be incredibly proud of this post. And all your other posts, for that matter, because they’re all clever and hilarious. Today I’m having one of those days where I can’t think of 5 things for myself, so I’m just going to go ahead and enjoy reading everyone else’s.
Promise me that at some point you’ll do it for yourself. You’re one of the most badass people I’ve met on WordPress, and I respect you a ton. I hope you know that I’m not alone in those thoughts.
Thanks for the kind words Weebmeister.
It’s always so surprising to me, though I surprised that it’s surprising, that there are so many other nice, normal people who feel like crap on such a regular basis. When I am not in my own “I suck” mode, I can probably find five things I love about myself. So, here goes:
1. I love my intellect. I am deeply curious and love to delve into the reasons for things. A random suggestion to read a book has lead me into wanting to read Richard the III.
2. I love my persistence in parenting my children. They are each challenging in their own way and I get very down about it sometimes and want to give up. But, I take a breath and get back to fighting for them and, sometimes with them, for them to grow into caring, productive, happy people.
3. I love my ability to write. I can write all the time, even when I’m at my very darkest. As long as I can write I think I can pull myself out of the worst spots. Of course, the writing probably sucks, but I’m getting better at letting the writing suck, too.
4. I love being funny. I don’t know why I am, but I’m funny. I say completely honest and outrageous things because they just come to me. I also find lots of things humorous that others might not. If I can’t be funny, then I know I’m taking things way too seriously.
5. I love my strength, physical and emotional. I am over 50, but my body is still my friend. I ran a race just a few weeks ago and came in second in my age group, though I was oldest. I’d never run a race before and didn’t start running until after 50. Emotionally, I’m better and better at allowing myself to feel a full range, not just anger and sadness.
Whew. That last one was the hardest.
Thank you for being so open, for reminding me that other people struggle with things like this.
Janice
I’ve known for a long time that my thought process is dysfunctional. What I didn’t know until recently was that there were a lot of people like us out there. There are varying levels of “funk”, but to know others experience it brings me some relief.
Your #5 is worthy of a high five. *high five*! I think it’s great you honor your body, and that you just picked up and start racing. Congrats on the excellent finish!
Jen, I’m so sorry to hear this. And I really like all of these same things about you too. I was listening to you on ExPats Radio last week, and got a kick out of it. My offer to sing you New York, New York in person is still open, if you ever need a change of scenery.
I would do the five things, but sitting in my dining room (at my computer) and looking at all of my nursing books is so depressing, I can’t. See, I spent two years taking evil nursing pre-reqs, and then quit. Also, my hubby bragged about my grades to everyone we know. So… now everyone who knows me in real life thinks I’m insane. The reality was just that full-time school, plus three kids (including one who’s a high-functioning autistic) was just too much for me. I’ll do one thing, just to keep this from being depressing. Some days I think my writing is halfway good.
What are you saying silly woman? Your writing is great! I look forward to your posts.
And don’t get down on yourself about nursing school. You were overwhelmed, and it was probably a judgment call to quit school. That moment is not a reflection of who you are as a whole.
And yes, I shall make my way East so you can serenade me.
You and I are a lot more alike than I thought. Finding the humor…that is what has saved me. Selfishly, I liked reading this because I’m having one of those “I’m not alone” moments. Good for you for seeing the good during shaky times. Thank you for posting this.
1. I am funny. This has brought me a relief to worries, a blog, more friends, and my soul mate.
2. I have chosen light and love over fear. Getting out of the old habits wasn’t easy. I work at it every day, but I am proud of myself.
3. I’m independent. I didn’t settle and I never thought I would be comfortable “alone,” but living my own life in my own house has allowed me to really understand myself and find what makes me happy.
4. I’m creative. It may not always come out that way on my blog because of the “La La” thing, but creative writing is what I like and what I do and I’m happy to not be just another “blah.”
5. I like and respect myself. Mostly. I never thought I would like me. I have my moments, but I really like me. I grew up hating me. I’m smiling like an idiot thinking about how great it is to be on the right path.
It’s not selfish at all to feel happy that you’re not alone. It’s one of the reasons I posted this. When RG did, I felt like you do. I wanted to do the same. Just put it out there and see if someone said, ‘Hey, me too!” Humor writing isn’t much different than that. We want someone to laugh with us.
#2 is something I really struggle with. I’m very afraid of some things, and I get in the way of myself a lot. I’m glad you’re pushing passed it.
Bawling.
Jen, you are a kindred spirit, and to know that you are suffering (though not shocking because I know this of you, and I had a feeling something was up), wrenches my gut. I hate hearing that my friend hurts, and I want to take it away. I know there is little I can tangibly do, so I’ll just try to be a friend, and love you from afar (and yet strangely close).
This post is courageous and uplifting. You ARE generous. You give of yourself, and then you give the gift of offering a step up to others who may need it by encouraging positive self reflection. That’s exquisite. And you are a beautiful soul.So without further ado..
1) I try really hard to be a good mom, wife, friend, and person. I am learning the difference between setting impossible expectations of perfection in these areas and just learning and growing.
2) I am generous. I have very little material stuff to give at this time in my life as we find ourselves choosing between food for the week or the electricity bill, but in the ways I can, I try to give. Drive a friend to an appointment, help my cousin move, help a neighbour with her errands. It’s what I have to offer, and I try to offer freely.
3) I am compassionate. I strive to see the humanity in everyone, even the people I want to despise. We all have a story and we’re all fighting a battle.
4) I’m creative. I’m not practicing much these days, but I love making art in it’s many forms. I believe I have something to offer the world this way.
5) I love my determination. Despite what the explosion of dirty socks and drink boxes in my house might say, I work hard. I’ve worked hard at my recovery, and continue to keep moving forward, even though at times the movement is imperceptible. I didn’t let The Dark take me, and I’m still fighting.
I love these things about me, and am proud of them. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to write them down and really look at them. Like I said before…bawling.
Your INFJ was hard at work! You knew something was going on with me even before I knew it was. That’s a real gift.
The hard part about being kindred spirits is that when your friend hurts, you *know* that hurt. I felt the same when you were struggling. Luckily, we have each other to help and be there and stay positive. Thank you for that.
I loved everything you listed. You are that and so so so so much more. XO
Jen,
This post spoke to me in ways that are hard to explain. You perfectly captured just about everything I’ve had going on too over the last couple of months. I won’t go into great detail but I know you have an awareness of it- and I oftentimes feel that words fall woefully short of what it means to have you as my friend. It’s been a blessing to have shared your life’s journey thus far and that you allowed me access to your friendship. It means the world to me.
As for 5 things I love about myself- I would have to say:
1) Despite being as introverted as I am- once I am comfortable with someone I am free to express my sillier side. I have a weird sense of humour and love sharing that side of myself.
2) I am fiercly loyal to those who honour me with friendship. I would go to the ends of the Earth to provide for someone- whether it be with time or anything else.
3) I have a great capacity and thirst for knowledge. i can read 4 or 5 books at a time and still remember where I’m at in each.
4) I love that I can play bass, drums, cello, sing and read music. It took me forever to be able to do it- but now I couldn’t live without that talent. Bass is my world.
5) I’d like to think I was “book smart” but I struggle with making common sense, every day decisions. Still working on that- but happy with things so far.
If there’s anything you need, you know I’ll gladly do whatever I can. Thanks for your continued friendship buddy.
Pug Hugs,
Paul
As you know, we’re alike in so many ways. Hearing you tell me about yourself has helped me even if you didn’t know it at the time. That’s the great thing about friendship– you can help me up when I’m down, and vice versa.
#2 is absolutely true. I feel very lucky to have you as a friend. And #4 surprised me! You were hiding that you are a musical genius 😉
Jen,
You are a brave and beautiful woman. It’s great to be able to share the humor and the challenges. We love you for that. You are being your genuine self here and that’s a powerful thing.
I would mirror many of your five things in my list. The ones you chose are also very important to me.
1. I’m generous
2. I’m accepting
3. I’m trustworthy
4. I blaze my own trail. This one could be a mantra for me. It was harder when I was younger, left my first husband when my very best friend (my mother) couldn’t support it. Built two businesses against all odds, etc., etc. And I think I intimidate some people with this habit, but I couldn’t do otherwise.
5. And yes, I’m funny, although it doesn’t really come out in my writing. I’m not as brave as you are and I come from a background where being funny was punished when I was a kid, so I do it with people with whom I feel extremely safe, my close friends, my sister, my husband.
I’ll put on my therapist hat for a minute here and say that I also think that this time of year brings out more depression and anxiety. The light goes away, people spend more time inside and the holidays bring up crap that has been buried. I recommend that people get a full spectrum light box and spend 20 minutes in front of it every morning. It’s amazing how that can help – Seasonal Depression Disorder is real and it affects many, many people – more than we realize. We’re light beings and it’s hard when the light goes away. There, that’s a 6th quality – the expert (something I’ve devoted 30 years doing, learning and sharing – so I guess I’m also persistent – some would say annoyingly so)! 🙂
Cathy
AH! We’re so much alike. And I don’t think you need to write funny to be funny. I have lots of friends who are hilarious, but they’re poets or painters or musicians.
I think you’re right about the seasonal change. I do get more blue than usual during this time of year. I try to keep my chin up and remind myself of that.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment!
Wow! I am very glad you shared this. I also use laughter and humour to hide behind. One day I will share the story of how that started. But for now, I think laughter is the medicine that keeps a lot of us on track. You can be proud of yourself.
Okay, when I read this I had to think a bit but here goes…
1. I love that I have learned to be myself. I used to spend so much time and energy being someone people would like and then I decided stuff that, this is me, take it or leave it.
2. I love that I am able to reflect on most situations and take the positive from it and move on. I don’t held grudges
3. I love that I can laugh and see the humour in most situations. And love that I can laugh at myself first and foremost.
4. I love being a mother and being able to teach my kids to be a better person than I am.
5. I love people and believe that I am a very good and trustworthy friend. I treasure my friends more than anything.
I can totally relate to your #1! Sometimes I regret spending so many years being anybody but who I really was. I’m glad you found your voice, and that you use it.
And I do hope you write your story one day.
Holy Batcrap, this post was ME RIGHT NOW. I’m proud of you for continuing on with the contest – if you check out my post you’ll see I pooped out. You aren’t funny – you are flipping hilarious fabulous great stuff on toast. IE is making comment box screwy – be back on firefox.
Back! I know you were waiting. Anyhoo, five things I love about me.
1. I’m funny. My favorite thing to do is to make people laugh, and the best sound in the world is laughter.
2. I have a lot of friends on wordpress that really like me and leave awesome comments. That is the best success ever, and more than I would have dreamed would happen with my blog.
3. I’m a good mom. I have fun with my children. My kids even write papers about it.
4. I’m smart. You really can’t be funny without being smart. Unless people are laughing at you.
5. I’m a good writer. It is my greatest passion and always has been. I’m happy that I’ve finally gotten the courage to let others see it.
Thanks for this post, Jen. Like I said, this post described me lately – feeling overwhelmed over nothing really, just anxious, and up and down and hiding it all under Ms. Goofypants. Thanks.
Alice
Haven’t gotten a chance to read your post yet (but I will!) but wanted to say here you have nothing to feel badly about. You take your time for you.
I love that you included #3. It’s apparent from your posts you have a great relationship with your children. That’s something worth being proud of.
Thanks. I hope you’re doing better. As I said, I totally get what you’re going through.
I am doing better. Thanks for checking up on me 🙂
I have always struggled with depression, too. I thought I had it under control until recently, when I was rudely awakened to the fact that I didn’t have it under control. And it almost cost me everything.
I can certainly identify with a lot of the things you’re coping with and I hope you come out of your funk.
I’ll try to come up with 5 things I like about myself…
1. I believe that I’m a good father. I’m far from perfect, but I think I do a good job.
2. I’m smarter than the average bear. I’m no genius by any means, but I’m pretty intelligent.
3. I’m pretty funny. I have a crude and very blunt sense of humor, but I’m still funny.
4. I’m loyal to those I love. I’m always willing to help someone in need.
5. I’m pretty laid back. I don’t stress very easily and normally take things in stride.
Huh. That wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.
It makes me really happy that it came so easily to you! I think it shows you’re aware of who you really are. I also must say that I love that you have a crude and blunt sense of humor.
I love it, too!
You are wonderful. Thank you for your honesty and for being a light on here. This was an encouragement to me this morning. Now for five things:
1. I love that I’m a better mother than I ever could have thought. I love that I waited to have my child when I was 100% emotionally ready.
2. I love my creativity and that I allow myself to express it. I don’t guilt myself Out of taking time for myself.
3. I’m a good listener and I value understanding people who don’t think the same as me.
4. I can forgive my husband when he does things that disappoint me.
5. I am good at seeing my priorities and going for them.
I love #2, and I think in a way it relates to #1. So many moms feel guilty when they do things for themselves. That emotional readiness helped prepare you for the “me time” everyone deserves.
I’m happy you did this exercise, and that this post was an encouragement.
I didn’t realize how hard this would be until I really tried. Why is it that we can’t find the good in ourselves as easily as our bad points?
1. I love that I’m determined. I go and get what I want.
2. I love that I care about people and their feelings. Even though sometimes it makes me overanaylze every little thing I do or say to make sure that it isn’t hurtful in the slightest way.
3. I love that I’m creative.
4. I love that I’d help anyone in need without expecting anything in return
5. I love that I finished this list. I didn’t think I would
Anxiety is a bitch. But it’s nice to just let go sometimes. This is why the internet will have my undying devotion. I’m glad you made us write this list, I guess I needed it.
It IS hard, right? It took me about 45 minutes to write the top portion, and twice that time to write the bottom part.
Kudos to you for finishing the list! I can totally relate to #2. Being overly thoughtful is a gift and a burden at the same time.
Glad this helped you.
First, just let me say that anyone reading your blog can tell that you are a lovely, caring, smarter-than-smart person. It comes through in your humour and in your writing in general. What I say to my kids – this world is a crazy place. Things move so fast, this includes our brains. Computers are great for a lot of reasons, but I don’t think they help in this respect. Go easy on yourself when you are feeling down. It may not feel good, but I think that there are a lot of other people out there feeling the exact same way as you. You just have to read around other people’s blogs to know this, which I’m sure you do.
What I love about myself? OK, I’ll indulge…
1. I love that I love animals. Everyone should.
2. I love that I can stick to my workouts. This makes me infinitely happier than I would be otherwise.
3. I love that I am close to my kids. They drive me nuts, but they are my world.
4. I love that I am creative. It is so much fun.
And 5. I’ll give to you…
You are a really talented person. You are honest, funny, and reflective. I think that in itself can do a lot to help. You know when you are feeling bad and you can express it – just like you did today. You will get the support you need that way. Hope tomorrow brings a little more sunshine.
Sincerely,
Mandy a.k.a. Fern (that was the real me talking)
Thank you so much for your kinds words, Mandy. (Love that name by the way) I do read around other blogs, and in the past few months I’ve read some seriously inspiring things. It has helped me build the courage to write this.
I think kids are supposed to drive their parents nuts. I remember doing things I knew would make my mom mad, and thinking it was funny. Now I feel guilty about it! Moms have it rough.
Thanks for giving 5 to me. You should add “generous” to your list.
You are so brave for sharing this and you should be proud of yourself. It isn’t so hard for me to talk about my mental health, I do it all of the time. But it isn’t easy when it’s not commonly covered ground, and I respect you tremendously, even more than before.
I respect you so much that I’ll give you my five things, even. For no one else but you and me.
1. I’m a fighter. I go at everything that challenges me in life with everything I’ve got in me, even when I feel like I have nothing left. And I never give up.
2. I have a capacity for love that is endless. If you are friend or family, you have my heart forever. If you are acquaintance or stranger, I will offer it to you with no hesitation.
3. I am filled with understanding and empathy, and can see all sides to a situation, whether or not I agree with them. I forgive and bear no I’ll will toward a single soul on this planet.
4. I am filled with thankfulness and gratitude, every moment of every day. Even when I am angry or hurt, I am still aware of how blessed and lucky I am for those feelings, and for the knowledge that they shall eventually pass.
5. I am honest, and I never hold back the love and admiration and feeling I have for those I care about. I want them always to know how important and cherished they are.
I hope that things get better for you soon, Jen. You are wonderful and I hate that you are suffering, but you are strong and brave and beautiful, and you are an amazing friend. I love you and I am so lucky to know you.
Talking about mental health is draining! How do you do it? I’m going to (mostly) leave this to the experts.
I love all of those things about you too. You are an immensely wonderful person, and a great friend. I hope you remember that when you’re facing trying times.
Always XO to you.
This helped me. YOU helped me. Thanks for that.
I love you Rubes.
Jen – I, too, was surprised to hear that you suffer from anxiety and depression – it seems that many funny people have similar stories – Grouch Marx, Buster Keaton, Woody Allan etc. – but funny is a great healer and even better coping mechanism. Thank you for writing what you write – your POV is always worth the time to read it – it makes me snort sometimes. That’s high accolades in my world.
ok – 5 things I love about myself…
1) I love my abilty to play with words and language
2) I love whatever it is about me that attracts the best people that surround me
3) I love that I suck at housework but can bake like a fiend
4) I love that I can find humor in most situations
5) I love that I can laugh at my own funky quirks – like hatred of buttons and words with double ‘oo”s
And I would like to repeat the same things Le Clown above wrote about you to you – but you should take him to task for not posting his own loves about himself.
I agree Rutabaga… Le Clown didn’t follow the rules here. lol
As if THAT’S a surprise…
You’re totally right. One thing I’ve noticed is how many of the writers who write in a similar style to mine share this anxiety and depression I feel. It’s remarkable in a way. And yes, humor has been used as a coping mechanism for nearly my whole life.
I loved your #5! I’m neurotic, but in a lovable way. I’ve learned to embrace my little quirks as well. Your hatred of words with double o’s made me laugh.
Hee hee…my brain malfunctions at times…
Better to be anxious and funny than anxious and desperate. It’s hard to climb out of desperate – but funny is a rope for climbing.
Funny is the BEST rope for climbing. At least you have a laugh while your arms are burning as you make your way up.
*HUG* Thanks for sharing this, Jen. We all have our own issues and hide them from the world. But I believe if we share our realities (the good, bad and the ugly) to the world, sometimes, we help others realize it’s not just them going through something hard, and it will be okay…soon. Every little bit of comfort helps when going through a depression. Trust me. Another *hug*
oops – forgot to do the list…
1. I like helping people to make them smile.
2. My friends are important to me and I support them.
3. I am a nice person – not usually the standard today but I try and be kind to everyone.
4. I’ve learned to be happy with who I am and in turn became stronger
5. I have the best friends 😉
You’re absolutely right about needing to share it more often. It doesn’t just benefit the teller, it benefits the recipient as well.
#3 is so important. It seems trite, but being nice is hugely underrated. I only like surrounding myself with nice people. I don’t understand the “mean girl” mentality at all.
Going to hard: (In no particular order)
1) My kids
2) I’m “writing” again
3) I’ve found my soul mate
4) I can skip number 5 without feeling guilty
5)
Melt. 🙂
AH! I love that list. It makes me unusually sentimental when I hear people are proud parents and partners. I’m glad you’re writing again too.
Jen,
I am proud of you, for so much more than just this wonderful post:
1. I am proud of you for often being selfless, it’s a beautiful quality;
2. I am proud of you for being honest and transparent about your feelings;
3. I am proud of you for being outspoken when it comes to issues close to your heart;
4. I am proud of you for being loving, unconditionally – my son will vouch for that;
5. I love you.
Le Clown
5 things about YOU now…
The Ringmistress,
I choose to play differently as A Clown on Fire is 330 posts about Le Clown. How’s that?
Le Clown
Ahem, I’ll do it for you:
(1) You’re a wonderful father and husband
(2) You’re a brilliant writer
(3) You are a very thoughtful person
(4) You’re very smart
(5) You’re resilient
See? That wasn’t so hard!
I took the liberty of naming five for him since he wanted to be SO DAMN DIFFICULT
Righteous. And accurate. xo
lol
Thank you very much. It honestly means a lot. Being accepted into the Robilomas household has been one of my greatest joys in recent time. I love your little family.
You’re a great friend to me. I will always appreciate that. XO!