Gender Bending

7 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 7

Topic: All women are a bit lesbian


I must admit, I was a bit surprised by how many of you requested that I write about this topic. I threw it out as a joke, and didn’t think anyone would actually want to read about it. Little did I know that my audience was largely made up of lesbians, and people who appreciate them.

Great. A claim I hadn’t given real consideration to is now a claim I have to prove.

I initially wrote a couple of paragraphs about bisexuality in Bonobo monkeys. Then I wrote a paragraph about the feminist movement, and how it has impacted female sexuality. Then I wrote about that scene in “Wild Things” when Neve Campbell and Denise Richards kissed in the pool. The post sounded like the weird ramblings of an undersexed teenage boy.

In these types of situations, you need to ask yourself what Jack McCoy would do. He would build a case around the evidence, and let it speak for itself. I present to you:

Exhibit A

We are always checking each other out. “Your boobs look great in that shirt!” “I would kill to have a body like hers.” “She has such a great butt, it’s so unfair.” You will never hear a guy say, “Man, I wish I had testicles like that guy.”

Exhibit B

A song about two women making out was #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart for seven consecutive weeks, and has sold nearly 4.2 million digital copies to date. As soon as “I Kissed A Girl” comes on in a bar/club/Olive Garden, groups of girls lose their damn minds. They will descend upon the dance floor, and sing this to each other while dancing provocatively.

“This single made millions of dollars because it’s a good song” said no one ever.

Exhibit C

Women love to travel to the bathroom in groups. I find it curious that, in a room where we get naked from the waist down, we feel more comfortable when other ladies are in there with us.

Exhibit D

We are always complimenting each other in ways that border on flirting. A related story: I used to troll my female friends’ Facebook pictures, looking for ones with a bajillion comments to the effect of, “You’re sooooooo pretty!” Then I’d wait until it died down, and I’d write, “Why don’t you all just get a room?”

Exhibit E

We are constantly hugging and kissing each other. Women always greet each other like one of them has been locked up in the penitentiary for years, and this is their first time seeing each other since the release. Lots of hugging, and often times there’s also a kiss on the cheek. If it’s a really good friend they slip you the tongue. When drinking is involved, forget it. You’ll find women sitting on each other’s laps, whispering in each other’s ears, and holding hands.

Exhibit F

We have pillow fights in our bras and underwear. Yes gentleman, this really happens.

This pillow fight sponsored by Hugh Hefner’s saggy balls

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen of the WordPress jury. Please take your time when examining the above evidence and determining whether or not I’ve proven my case beyond a shadow of a doubt. I respectfully request that you charge all women with a single count of being slightly lesbian in the first degree.

Court is now adjourned.


Thanks to the following bloggers for encouraging me to write about this topic:

NaNoWriNO Day 6 post

NaNoWriNO Day 8 post

73 Responses to “Gender Bending”

  1. UndercoverL 11/12/2012 at 1:52 pm #

    Dammit, Jen. I plead guilty and I’ve been married… Twice. I wouldn’t marry a man again, though. If this one doesn’t work it, I am officially a lez. Just saying.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 2:20 pm #

      We women just get each other. It does make it seem like the more viable option.

      • UndercoverL 11/13/2012 at 4:02 pm #

        I agree. I actually spent a portion of my commute today to thinking about this. I would go so far as to say that I would choose a woman who is a mother. It would actually be fun to have someone race me to get up with the kids at night or try to out-cook me at dinner. Now THAT thought just made my sexual highlight reel. Mmmm.

  2. calahan 11/08/2012 at 12:41 pm #

    Pillow fights in skimpy outfits, I knew it! TV didn’t lie to me.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/12/2012 at 1:41 am #

      All of your childhood fantasies were real.

      • calahan 11/12/2012 at 10:27 am #

        That means that I can fly, then, too!

  3. benzeknees 11/07/2012 at 11:35 pm #

    Why wouldn’t we want to hang onto each other & kiss & hug. Girls are softer, prettier & generally smell about a hundred times better. We’ve generally bathed that day & like to look good for our partner. Who wouldn’t want to be with a girl? I think hubby would probably disagree with me, he’s rather I prefer him.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2012 at 10:10 am #

      We are the softer sex, that’s true. There’s something to be said about the ruggedness of a man though.

  4. Love and Lunchmeat 11/07/2012 at 6:22 pm #

    Sadly, going to a public bathroom kills all sex drive for me. I don’t care how great your boobs are, you still need to wash your hands! Not just a pretend rinse either.

    Other than that, women are really just prettier. They also smell better, but I’m skeptical about these pillow fights where everyone mumbles under their breath about how awesome Chris Devoss is…

    • Jen and Tonic 11/07/2012 at 8:08 pm #

      Come to think of it, I do see a lot of “This pillow fight sponsored by Christopher Devoss” signs at every slumber party I go to.

  5. writerwendyreid 11/07/2012 at 5:21 pm #

    I do all of these things as well as a few others I’m not sure if I should mention here. *holds hands out in front* Cuff me. 😉

  6. jdanryan 11/07/2012 at 4:23 pm #

    ” You will never hear a guy say, “Man, I wish I had testicles like that guy.” ”

    Actually, the main reason you’d never hear that is, no man would ever say that *aloud.* Yeah, we do check each other out, sometimes with envy, seeing something in another guy across the gym who makes what he has work for him a lot better. Not all guys who do that are gay, as the next thought after they say, “God, wish I had his butt,” is usually, “Imagine all the chicks I’d be getting then…”

    Speaking of getting the chicks: Katy Perry, there’s a Jill Sobule down in the parking lot here for you, and she’s wielding a tire iron…

    • Jen and Tonic 11/07/2012 at 8:06 pm #

      So….what you’re saying is that you DO look at guys’ balls?

      That Katy Perry thing doesn’t surprise me at all.

  7. aliceatwonderland 11/07/2012 at 3:35 pm #

    Thing One was happily singing this song and then she went “Wait . . .” Anyway, yes, yes, very true. I’ve found especially if another female says something I think is really funny or smart I’m all “Will you marry me?” I have many female spouses now. Does that make me a polygamist or a lespolygamist?

  8. speaker7 11/07/2012 at 2:33 pm #

    The pillow fight reminded me of Strangers With Candy, one of the true genius shows in the history of the earth and if you have never seen it, you must see it now, and now I’m rambling…anyway the main character Jerry Blank is a definite lesbian straight or is pretty much up for anything including “tub time” when the members of the girls track team frolic in a giant tub.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/07/2012 at 2:38 pm #

      You get infinite cool points for not only having seen that show, but loving it and dropping a reference to it in my post.

  9. GiggsMcGill Jill 11/07/2012 at 2:01 pm #

    Dang it – I do all these things… and your arguments are solid… I guess I’m guilty as charged >.<

    I guess that we could throw in that even without Katy Perry, girls grind up on each other like crazy when dancing.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/07/2012 at 2:27 pm #

      They do, especially on Spring Break! Or in Vegas! Or in a Denny’s parking lot! (maybe that’s just me and my friends?)

      • GiggsMcGill Jill 11/07/2012 at 2:34 pm #

        Omg I hang out in Denny’s parking lot too! But I don’t tend to grind on people there…

        • Jen and Tonic 11/07/2012 at 2:37 pm #

          I don’t think the Moons Over My Hammy turns people on quite like it does me…

          • GiggsMcGill Jill 11/07/2012 at 2:52 pm #

            My stomach now hurts from laughing… and the thought of eating Denny’s…

  10. The Bumble Files 11/07/2012 at 1:23 pm #

    It’s hard to deny this evidence. Yes! Ha ha. Now we must examine why? Why are we so crazy for each other….Jen, I know you’ll have all the answers.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/07/2012 at 2:20 pm #

      If Katy Perry was here, she’d say, “Soft skin, red lips, so kissable”

  11. Bill Friday 11/07/2012 at 12:10 pm #

    Going all Jack McCoy on your readers was Brilliant in the First Degree! Nothing says “guilty until proven innocent” better than the twin smoking guns (metaphor?) of down pillow feathers and a used tube of cherry ChapStick®. And personally, I liked the unplugged (another metaphor?) version of “I Kissed A Girl” way better. Oh, and sparkly Chick-staches? I rest my case. And Sophia Loren wasn’t gay. Even Perez Hilton would have checked out Jayne Mansfield’s, um… formal wear.

    Case closed.

    (Cue sound effect. And… scene.)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/07/2012 at 2:10 pm #

      You know the words to that song? Why am I not surprised?

      And you know I love any excuse to fit Jack McCoy into a situation. *THUNK THUNK*

      • Bill Friday 11/07/2012 at 4:08 pm #

        I know a lot of lyrics. And Jack McCoy rules the school!!!

  12. bdwku687 11/07/2012 at 11:51 am #

    I was on a women’s swim team in college and every year we had the tradition of a women’s team Beer Olympics….after a couple hours I decided to start motorboating everyone. At first was getting weird looks but soon enough everyone joined in…slightly lesbian for sure. ha!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/07/2012 at 2:08 pm #

      This makes me wish I had joined the swim team 😦

  13. Lyssapants 11/07/2012 at 10:12 am #

    I much prefer the huggy/kissy/pillow-fighty ladyfriend than a catty mean bitch. Hand me a pillow!

  14. sweetmother 11/07/2012 at 8:51 am #

    this is feckin’ hilarious. honestly. now, let’s go wrestle in jog bras. sigh. looool.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/07/2012 at 2:06 pm #

      I’ll bring the kiddie pool and Jello if you provide Orange Crush for refreshments.

  15. SocietyRed 11/07/2012 at 8:10 am #

    Funny AND educational!
    Guys do check each other out but they’d never admit it. Dani was right, I have seen some mutants in the locker room that temporarily destroyed my self-esteem!

    • Dani Heart 11/07/2012 at 9:34 am #

      lol love your thumbnail pic. 🙂

    • Jen and Tonic 11/07/2012 at 2:05 pm #

      It’s not the size of the ship, it’s how much money you have in your bank account!

      • Dani Heart 11/08/2012 at 7:36 am #

        okay so maybe thumbnail was a bad choice of words…I just really like the picture.

  16. isawbobdylaninaspeedo 11/07/2012 at 7:53 am #

    This was great…you so funny!!! We also love to feel each others boobs especially if someone got a boob job. And when we are drunk. We are just built in lesbos for sure…no one I want to hold hands and cook spaghetti with…but boobs are fun.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/07/2012 at 2:00 pm #

      YES! You always see women poking their friend’s new boobs on those plastic surgery shows. Again, guys would never say, “Hey, have you been working out? Your ass looks great!” *poke*

  17. Dani Heart 11/07/2012 at 7:42 am #

    So funny that you underestimated the response for this subject. 🙂 I personally think that a lot of women are more comfortable with their sexuality and more inclined to dip their toes a tiny bit in the water then men are. That doesn’t mean they are gay of course, it simply means they have a healthy curiosity and are not afraid of it. I also think that some women play with it to entice men, and clearly it works. lol You are right bout men not coveting each others looks, well not openly but I bet you there is some penis envy going on in the locker room make no mistake about that. LOL Great post Jen.

    • Dani Heart 11/07/2012 at 7:44 am #

      oh..also love the law and order theme…how did you know how much I love that show?

    • Jen and Tonic 11/07/2012 at 1:58 pm #

      I think you’re right, guys are probably just more undercover about it. They DO spank each other a lot in professional sports…

      And yeah, I don’t know what I was thinking! Lesbians draw a crowd!

      • aliceatwonderland 11/07/2012 at 3:30 pm #

        I hear they check each other out at the urinals. If we had those, you know we would.

  18. Storkhunter 11/07/2012 at 7:30 am #

    Not guilty your honour. Given the sheer number of pee related I have had to endure, bathroom time is strictly a one person activity for me. Kissing and hugging – no – if I saw you yesterday there’s no need for you to get overexcited and if I haven’t seen you for 10 years, there’s probably a reason. Keep your distance. The pillow fights though – totally true

    • Jen and Tonic 11/07/2012 at 1:55 pm #

      I knew it! And over on your side of the pond, I bet you guys are so regal when you do it. “Good day love, may I interest you in a rousing game of pillow arguing?”

  19. Stacie Chadwick 11/07/2012 at 6:49 am #

    I’m a woman who loves women. But not like that. Well, pretty much not like that except when I have these strange Holly Madison-inspired dreams?

  20. becca3416 11/07/2012 at 6:48 am #

    I’m definitely a straight lesbian. Hardcore.

  21. Justcallmegertie 11/07/2012 at 6:29 am #

    I loved this. I will never again be able to watch a bunch of women getting up to go to the bathroom together without a smile!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/07/2012 at 1:51 pm #

      They say it’s to “freshen up” but it’s really to do a vagina check!

  22. Cathy Ulrich 11/07/2012 at 6:11 am #

    I have to admit, you’ve built a pretty good case here, Jen…

    • Jen and Tonic 11/07/2012 at 1:46 pm #

      Make sure you right that down on the “How did we do?” cards my firm will be passing out to you later.

  23. Christopher De Voss 11/07/2012 at 6:08 am #

    Lesbian pillow fights should be a show on TV.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/07/2012 at 1:44 pm #

      Their target demographic: The Christopher De Vosses of the world

    • John the Aussie 11/08/2012 at 1:50 am #

      I’ve seen lingerie pillow fights….

      • Christopher De Voss 11/10/2012 at 9:07 pm #

        Where? I mean….oh, cool!

        • John the Aussie 11/10/2012 at 9:35 pm #

          Live, Airlie Beach… Feathered (downed) pillows, king sized bed and 4 ladies (last one on the bed wins)…

          Trust me, its fucking brutal…


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