Mating Call: Women

NaNoWriNO Day 5

Topic: Dating advice

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Things were a bit heavy yesterday which, as you know, is a departure from the the typical tone of my posts. I appreciated the opportunity to express myself in a different way, but I’m happy to get back to my regularly scheduled programming.

Today I’m supposed to bestow my dating wisdom upon you guys. This should be interesting seeing as how I’m notoriously commitment phobic, and would rather go on a job interview than a date. My relationships have all just sort of happened, and if they hadn’t, I don’t know that I would have ever had one.

Luckily for all of you, I have been reading Cosmopolitan for years. For those not familiar with the publication, it’s basically Time magazine, but for vajazzling and crash dieting. Over time, I’ve collected little pearls of wisdom written by underfed fashion interns, and have come up with a list that is sure to be a recipe for dating success.

Dress to kill, but don’t dress to kill his erection.

Studies show that most women dress for other women as opposed to dressing for themselves, or for men. Our friends may think we look cute in over-the knee boots with a feather skirt and leather vest, but this is not appropriate date attire. There’s a fine line between being sexy, and being Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman”. Jen approved date attire: pajama jeans.

I call this look “Big Bird Dominatrix”

Practice safe ex.

I know your ex-boyfriend was a dirtbag who cheated on you with your roommate while you were saving turtles in Australia, but this is not a courtroom, and you are not pleading your case. Talking about past relationships can be tricky because it can quickly go from being informative to being a therapy session. Address the question, but keep it as brief as possible. Jen approved talking points: “We dated, it didn’t work out, I may or may not have tried to run him over with my car. How is the bread?”

God bless 4-wheel drive

A rose by any other name would smell just as badly.

Unless your skin smells like a backed up sewer pipe, there is absolutely no need to douse yourself in perfume. I know you love the top notes of vanilla, baby farts, gasoline and Cinnabon in your signature scent, but he might not. You don’t want your date questioning if he’s having a mini stroke, or just seeing stars because of your aroma. Jen approved scents: boob sweat or beer.

You put the “toilet” in “Eau de toilette”

Checkmate.

I know this is kind of controversial, but I think a woman should offer to pay on the first date. A gentleman won’t allow you to, but it makes him feel like you appreciate the $42 Filet Mignon you stuffed into your talking hole. Jen approved check move: “Let me see the check so I can give you what I owe for my portion. It’s the least I can do considering you won’t be touching me tonight.”

“Call me MC Hammer because you can’t touch this”

Hair affair.

Some of you may have heard about the dating trick that advises not to shave your legs before a date. The logic is that because you have hairy legs, you won’t sleep with a guy on the first date. In a perfect world we would all have iron-clad willpower, and never give in to our impulses. Unfortunately, most of us are the kind of people who last four hours on a diet before giving up and “embracing our curves.” Knowing this, please shave your legs beforehand. Your hormones will take over, you’ll jump into bed with him, and he’ll ask himself if he just spent the better part of the evening seducing Sasquatch. Jen approved shaving method: anything that doesn’t involve dry shaving in his bathroom, causing him to wonder if you’re taking a dump truck in there.

I’m sure there’s some other stuff you could do like being a good listener, or laughing at his jokes, or showing your cleavage. Like I said earlier, I’m not an expert in this stuff. My idea of a good date is eating pizza rolls, and watching National Geographic while draped in a Couples Snuggie.

So please, go forth and conquer the wild world of dating using the guidelines I’ve stated above. I assure you that you’ll be back at his place with your smooth legs and baby fartless skin getting your Bow Chicka Wow Wow on. You can thank me later.

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Thank you to the always lovely Madame Weebles for suggesting this topic.

NaNoWriNO Day 4 Post

NaNoWriNO Day 6 Post

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