Credit: Meme Center
I was at the grocery store the other day when I watched a ’97 Camero with tinted windows hastily pull into a handicapped parking space. As I waited for the driver to get out, I immediately formed an image of what I thought he or she might look like. I came up with: male, 25-35, bad fake tan, a sweatband on his forearm, aviator sunglasses, and a spandex Under Armour shirt which prominently displayed his nipples. I got 5 out of the 6 right; I should have known people wouldn’t be wearing sunglasses this time of year. Rookie mistake!
This got me thinking as to whether or not you can accurately predict a man’s characteristics and/or lifestyle based solely on his car. Sure, there are vehicles which are obvious predictors of things such as wealth or the need for speed, but can you tell more about someone from his ride than just how much money he’s got in the bank? I called my high-ranking friends at the CDC, FBI, CIA, TSA and NKOTB to see if they would assist in gathering data, but I got a lot of dial tones. On the upside, I’m pretty sure I’m on some “Watch Lists” now!
Not one to be deterred, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I gathered my materials and performed highly scientific research in one of the most prestigious labs in the world: a Safeway parking lot. My findings (after 30 minutes and a bag of beef jerky) are as follows:
Mercedes Convertible: Racks up divorces, has a young Asian girlfriend, owns penny loafers
Volvo Wagon: Wears tighty whities, most likely works in finance, exudes less sexual energy than a used Brillo Pad
Prius: Owns multiple pairs of cargo shorts/pants, has signed over 150 petitions in his lifetime, loves to drive at least 10 miles under the speed limit
BMW M Class: Sports a tan George Hamilton would be jealous of, has impossibly white teeth, thinks Ed Hardy is a fashion genius
Hummer: Watches too much UFC, has a tribal tattoo on his bicep, acts as Lord of the Douchebag Kingdom
Lincoln Town Car: Senior citizen OR ruthless mobster (a roomy trunk is important to both groups)
Subaru Outback: Hails from the Pacific Northwest, owns a kayak, listens to bands like Mumford & Sons and Fleet Foxes
Lowered Honda Civic: Spiky hair, wears oversized Fubu jeans, uses words like “yo” and “shawty” without being ironic
The new Volkswagen Beetle, PT Cruiser or a Mini Cooper: Is a fellow who likes fellows
Kia Soul: A hamster
Cadillac Escalade: wears flashy gold jewelry, dabbles in street pharmacology, listens to music at extremely high volumes
Minivan: A dad, has a cell phone belt clip, thinks fanny packs are “really functional belts”
Pickup truck: Drinks Bud Light, card-carrying member of the NRA, always makes sure to have a tool set on hand in case of a siding/window/electrical/flooring/plumbing emergency
A windowless van: Most definitely a predator
Volkswagen (Type 2) Bus: Grateful Dead fan, looks like Tommy Chong, lives down by a river
Porsche Boxter: Spends more money than he makes, has a serious fear of aging, his house is decorated in 80′s art deco
Audi A6: Has watched one too many Jason Statham movies, wears turtleneck sweaters, drives like he’s a stunt double from “The Fast and the Furious”
’67 Mustang: A TOTAL BADASS
I’m sure there are men out there thinking, “Hey, I drive a Mini Cooper and I’m SUPER DUPER heterosexual!” Uh-huh. Women are proclaiming, “My husband drives a Volvo and he’s a sex machine.” Right. Look, don’t get your knickers in a twist. This was a research study conducted in a parking lot while I chomped on dried beef. Take from that what you will.
Not everyone fits their “car mold” perfectly, but I do believe cars can attract a certain type of personality. I give you Exhibit A: I once saw a 1970 AMC Gremlin on the road and thought it looked like a really cool car. I think that pretty much tells someone everything they’d need to know about me.
I’m not advocating that we all jump to conclusions about people we haven’t had the opportunity to get to know. Just as someone who drives a “jerk car” can be the nicest guy you’ll ever meet, a guy who drives a less than impressive ride can be the biggest asshat you’ll ever meet. It’s good to have some fun with the theories I’ve stated above, but it’s best not to judge someone based on their car alone. Well, unless he’s driving a Hummer. In that case, he is most definitely the Lord of the Douchebag Kingdom.
This piece originally published on Expats Post
Sips of Jen and Tonic 
Just a quick hello. I thought WP dropped me from your blog or something b/c you haven’t written in awhile. Get back to it JandT!
I know, I know…I’ve been super busy with personal and work stuff, but that’s no excuse. I have brilliant followers to impress!
I had to share some SNL news: “So they discontinued the hummer… Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they’re assholes” -unknown
Come to find out- one of the girls happened to want a Pink Hummer, but currently drives a football themed Mini-Cooper with “carlashes” and a license plate that reads her name! I’m still recovering from that visit.
I think you should follow up with part 2 about women and their cars. You can start with a Pink Corvette and Lifted Trucks.
Write on!
I snorted quietly all the way through this very entertaining read. I owned a Lincoln Town Car when I was 22 – what can I say it was FREE – and I can attest to the roomy trunk. Luckily I was never pulled over and searched.
OMG. This is so awesome!
“exudes less sexual energy than a used Brillo Pad” LMAO
You know it’s true 😉
I drive a 99 Explorer that gets me from point A to point B.
Most of the time.
Sort of.
That means you’re a sex machine. Obviously.
And love the new header too. =)
Thanks! My friend TJ did a really great job 😀
Love this! What about a 2004 Yukon XL?
I’d guess the kind of guy who is powerful in his everyday life, but who likes to have someone gnaw on his butt cheeks in private.
That’s what I drive and you totally nailed my personality. You don’t read tarot cards by chance, do you?
I see a ginger ale and Maker’s in your future.
yay!
I hate dick Cameros and I hate dick Camero drivers driving their dick cars and parking in handicap spots like flaming dicky dicks.
lol
DICKY DICK DICKS.
Kia soul= hamster made me pee…luckily I am reading your blog whilst on the toilet
First, I loved that you used the word “whilst” because people don’t really use it enough.
Second, not surprising you were on the toilet. It’s only surprising you weren’t also dropping a deuce.
I love this post. I remember it the first time and I still laughed just as hard the second time around!
Glad you still enjoyed it!
OMG. Jen I play this game too. I do it while stuck in traffic on the freeway. And in the LA area, this is the only thing that makes the freeway not a cavalcade from hell. I cannot believe how absolutely correct you are with your guesses. I call the people in the windowless vans “just straight up murderers” and I think I want to see the Miami Vice style house of the person with the Boxter this is how I imagine it looking:
YES!!! That house is so right on the money.
I love this. I know this guy who’s a big shot attorney and makes over 500K a year. However, he drives a beat-up rusty Bonneville from the 90’s. I can’t make sense of this, but it bugs the hell out of me. Any thoughts on what this says about him? You’re good at this!
There’s only one of three reasons he’d be driving it: (1) Sentimental value or (2) He drives it to make it appear that he isn’t really overcharging his clients or (3) Cheap.
I’d guess he’s the kind of guy who would take you to a Sizzler on a first date with a 2-for-1 coupon.
Love the post. It’s funny me and a guy friend were just talking about this a while back. I have 2 Ford Expeditions and I was telling him that with in a year I want to have a Ford Excursion. He keeps telling me I need a mini van because of gas and things. I want the Excursion because I can still seat 8 people and have the cargo room. I really need that with the kids. He laughed at me and said you know most the time when guys want a bigger truck it’s because they have small junk. What would you say about a women who wants something bigger. I told him I didn’t know. Maybe you should do a study on women and their cars. I would forward it to him for sure lol.
Someone else suggested doing a study on women’s cars. I just may have to do that.
I find that men who drive big cars are making up for what’s lacking, but a woman who drives a big car is asserting the dominance she DEFINITELY has. I have a rule: don’t screw with a suburban filled with kids on their way to soccer practice. Mommy will have no problem ramming you if she thinks you’ll make her late.
Everyone laughs at me all the time when I am driving. I will not back down when other cars try to cut me off or pull out in front of me. I tell them I’m much bigger than they are they aren’t going to win they will stay over there or get out of the way. Besides they are at fault if there is an accident they can buy me a new truck today if they really want too.
I lease a car, does that mean I have a fear of commitment?
Absolutely. If you also rent your furniture, I think you’re beyond repair.
This was so freakin’ hilarious. Lord of the Douchebag Kingdom — soooooo good. You forgot the yellow original-type Corvette….gold chain, wife beater tee, acid washed jeans, longish hair and dark (Grecian Formula) and a orangey bronze tan. Just saw one.
You should write a book about this as a guide for women. This was so funny, Jen.
AH! How could I forget about that? You’re so right!! Is there anything more disgusting than a guy wearing a gold chain? I don’t think so.
Seriously, thanks Jen. This is so good. From now on I will only have to check the car to see if I like the guy. You made life so much easier!
Just doing my part 😉
And don’t forget — Lexus: menopause! Jen, you have to read this–it proves we are cut from the same cloth! http://thealternativepress.com/articles/are-you-what-you-drive
We certainly are! Loved the piece 🙂
This post is pure awesomeness! I drive a Tracker & I’m the coolest chick ever… I should really be driving a mini cooper or a ’67 Stang but life thinks is funny lol…
My BF drive a 150 Ford pick up… He’s tough shit… You know, comic books and shit… Real bad ass!
A ’67 Mustang is my ultimate dream car. I think they’re so sexy, especially when a woman drives one. You’d look SLICK behind the wheel!
Jenn, this was hilarious but now I’m totally confused about my own personality (I know this was done based on men….but hell, I drive!) I have owned lowered hondas and acuras, am now driving a stock prelude with nice mags and a kick ass sound system (which is usually screaming hip hop, rap or dubstep from my 8 speakers) and aspire to buy a brand new green kia soul…lol.
It sounds like you’re every man’s fantasy!
lol…now just point me to the fountain of youth and I’ll be all set! 🙂
It’s everyone’s duty when seeing a Hummer to smash the window and slash its tires.
AGREED! I really don’t understand why people even buy these cars. What is the point, really?
Douchebags buy them thinking it’s a status symbol.
I can’t believe you admitted to liking a Gremlin. LOL LOL LOL LOL peeking through hands….I thought the AMC Pacer was the coolest car ever. LOL LOL LOL LOL I really enjoyed this little experiment and I am in total agreement about Hummer drivers. LOL
I have NO shame, remember? And it sort of makes sense that I’d like an AMC Gremlin since it’s the reject of the car world. I like a good underdog story 😉
“Gene Wilder will call you out on your small penis”
Best. Tag. Ever.
I do it all for you.
This is the best thing I have read in a while. Total Badass. I couldn’t find my ride in your list though. ’96 Corolla with a dented fender and a set of truck nuts that drag on the ground. Great stuff Jen
A pair of truck nuts on a Corolla? You’re a GAME CHANGER.
Hilarious play on stereotypes!!! Almost makes me want to gnaw on raw beef and hang out in parking lots… but I’d probably get my knickers in a twist thinking about how well your wrote this and all the other things I have to do! Great little everyday expose! Thanks, Renee
I highly recommend doing it if for nothing else than to get your intake of protein.
Ar Ar Ar! Very cool!
Your fellow Portlander LOVES this. Signed over 150 petitions in his lifetime…hahahaha
You KNOW what I’m talking about! 🙂