I know this is hard to believe, but I’m single. I KNOW! What, with showing strangers my hershey kiss, and accusing random men of being murderers, you’d think someone would have locked this down by now.
I am not actively pursuing a relationship, but from time to time I like to look at what’s out there to see what I’ll be working with once I’m ready for it. Most ads are filled with the same things: age, physical traits, kids/no kids, smoking/no smoking, and a list of things he or she is looking for in a partner. Very benign stuff.
Experts say the key to standing out is to write punchy, attention-grabbing lines. I think the men below misunderstood what that meant.
“I’ve been looking for the next princess to spoil ever since my last girlfriend disappeared.”
I might as well supply the picture my parents will need to put on the milk carton.
“I want a girl I can take to visit my mom, and have dinner with, and have sex with all at the same time.”
I hope your mom doesn’t mind me getting crumbs all over her bed while we do the Humpty Dumpty in front of her.
“Loyal, trustworthy married man looking for an ongoing discreet sexual relationship.”
I am sure your wife would describe you as loyal and trustworthy, especially on your divorce papers.
“I enjoy pampering a woman: roses, presents, fancy dinners and full body (include rectal) massages.”
You had me at “rectal.”
“What I am looking for is a woman, preferably a weird woman, who can’t figure out what the hell it is she wants…I need someone FUCKING NUTS.”
What a relief. All those therapy bills of mine were really beginning to add up.
“Let’s get married for fun. Sounds totally crazy, I realize, but I dunno, could be great fun too. We could meet, talk for a while, and see what we think. If we like each other, we head down, and just do it.”
You know what else is fun? The divorce rate in this country.
“If you’re kinda racist that’s okay.”
On a scale of Rush Limbaugh to KKK, I’d like you to be a Pat Robertson.
“I don’t have money, a car, or a regular place to live, but I am hung.”
This is very convenient since my landlord just started accepting meat popsicles as payment.
“Bonus points if you’re pregnant. (Not looking to be the father of the child)”
If this womb is a’rockin don’t come a’knockin.
“I just want someone to watch ‘Twilight’ with on rainy days.”
I hate you.
On second thought, I think I’ll just adopt a dog instead.