The 10 Most Bizarre Things I’ve Read in Dating Ads

5 Nov

1332720493427_9592690I know this is hard to believe, but I’m single. I KNOW! What, with showing strangers my hershey kiss, and accusing random men of being murderers, you’d think someone would have locked this down by now.

I am not actively pursuing a relationship, but from time to time I like to look at what’s out there to see what I’ll be working with once I’m ready for it. Most ads are filled with the same things: age, physical traits, kids/no kids, smoking/no smoking, and a list of things he or she is looking for in a partner. Very benign stuff.

Experts say the key to standing out is to write punchy, attention-grabbing lines. I think the men below misunderstood what that meant.

“I’ve been looking for the next princess to spoil ever since my last girlfriend disappeared.”

I might as well supply the picture my parents will need to put on the milk carton.

“I want a girl I can take to visit my mom, and have dinner with, and have sex with all at the same time.”

I hope your mom doesn’t mind me getting crumbs all over her bed while we do the Humpty Dumpty in front of her.

“Loyal, trustworthy married man looking for an ongoing discreet sexual relationship.”

I am sure your wife would describe you as loyal and trustworthy, especially on your divorce papers.

“I enjoy pampering a woman: roses, presents, fancy dinners and full body (include rectal) massages.”

You had me at “rectal.”

“What I am looking for is a woman, preferably a weird woman, who can’t figure out what the hell it is she wants…I need someone FUCKING NUTS.”

What a relief. All those therapy bills of mine were really beginning to add up.

“Let’s get married for fun. Sounds totally crazy, I realize, but I dunno, could be great fun too. We could meet, talk for a while, and see what we think. If we like each other, we head down, and just do it.”

You know what else is fun? The divorce rate in this country.

“If you’re kinda racist that’s okay.”

On a scale of Rush Limbaugh to KKK, I’d like you to be a Pat Robertson.

“I don’t have money, a car, or a regular place to live, but I am hung.”

This is very convenient since my landlord just started accepting meat popsicles as payment.

“Bonus points if you’re pregnant. (Not looking to be the father of the child)”

If this womb is a’rockin don’t come a’knockin.

“I just want someone to watch ‘Twilight’ with on rainy days.”

I hate you.

On second thought, I think I’ll just adopt a dog instead.

122 Responses to “The 10 Most Bizarre Things I’ve Read in Dating Ads”

  1. victoriabruce 11/05/2013 at 5:03 am #

    This is brilliant! I really needed this laugh. You had me at rectal.

  2. victoriabruce 11/05/2013 at 5:04 am #

    Reblogged this on The Blurred Line and commented:
    Dating. Like diving into a pool of piranha and hoping to meet a mermaid. These are some of the funniest personal ads I have ever seen.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 8:33 am #

      “Dating [is] like diving into a pool of piranha and hoping to meet a mermaid.” I need that on a t-shirt.

      Thanks for the reblog!

  3. nobodysreadingme 11/05/2013 at 5:05 am #

    I’ve had some weird stuff happen too, Jen.
    http://nobodysreadingme.wordpress.com/2012/12/17/the-perils-of-lonely-hearts-ads/

  4. Amy 11/05/2013 at 5:07 am #

    Hahaha this is hilarious, there’s really some strange people out there!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 8:35 am #

      Tell me about it. There are a lot of normal people as well, but the odd balls seem to be more visible…and memorable.

  5. Vanessa-Jane Chapman 11/05/2013 at 5:07 am #

    Haha, how funny! What kind of idiots would respond to these ads? Just out of interest, do you have the contact details? You know…for my friend.

  6. The Hook 11/05/2013 at 5:28 am #

    MY GOD, THIS WAS BRILLIANT, JEN!
    Definitely worthy of all caps!
    I imagine the momma’s boy is beating them off with a stick…

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 8:37 am #

      Mom: “Can I come in honey?”

      Him: “NO, MOM!”

      Mom: “I just wanted to bring you a sandwich, juice and a few condoms. Good luck honey! I know you’ll be great.”

      • The Hook 11/05/2013 at 8:40 am #

        Moms rule, don’t they?
        Once again, this was one of your very best.
        Keep up the good work!

  7. NotAPunkRocker 11/05/2013 at 5:32 am #

    I used to feel slightly smug that I didn’t have to deal with any of this. Then I got divorced and yikes! I just stay out of it all and continue to collect felines.

    A friend of mine did try online and was wondering WTH was wrong with this guy given his ad was “so specific”:

    ‘I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late. I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity, who uses a machete to cut through red tape. With fingernails that shine like justice and a voice that is dark like tinted glass.’

    I was the only one who realized it was a Cake song. Sadly, he was already taken by the time I looked up the ad…

    • michellestodden 11/05/2013 at 5:43 am #

      Ha! I recognized that immediately, too. I would jump on that one.

      I’m going to have that song stuck in my head all day now. Which is okay.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 8:39 am #

      I used to lament for my single friends, wondering how the hell they got through dating stranger after stranger. Now I AM that person. I would almost rather just accept I’ll die alone, and make up an imaginary friend to keep me company.

      I’m sad you couldn’t contact that guy. He sounds awesome.

    • Kylie 11/20/2013 at 9:44 pm #

      That was my theme song when I was getting divorced and becoming newly single!

  8. michellestodden 11/05/2013 at 5:48 am #

    I was scrolling through the match.com profiles a week or so ago. I keep telling myself that I need to jump in the pond again, but from what I’ve seen while looking online, I’m going to end up covered in slime. (Dr. Seuss for dating right there.)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 8:44 am #

      RHYMEZ.

      Sometimes I wonder what people are thinking when they post certain stuff. The idea of ads is to put you best foot forward, and if that’s their best foot…

  9. Katie 11/05/2013 at 6:53 am #

    These are all so tame compared to Craig’s List. I had to look up what a “ski bunny” was.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 8:45 am #

      A couple of these were taken from Craigslist. Also, one guy was looking for a date AND selling his DVD collection, all in the same ad. I guess he gets points for efficiency.

      • Katie 11/05/2013 at 8:46 am #

        Send me his digits if he has Blu-Rays.

      • GiggsMcGill Jill 03/04/2014 at 11:52 am #

        I thought some of these must be Craigslist!

        Not that I’ve gone on there enough to be able to tell or anything… ^.^

  10. Amanda Fox 11/05/2013 at 7:38 am #

    As a long-time married woman, I occasionally think to myself, “Ah, what would it be like to be single again…” but you’ve fixed that. My husband thanks you LOL.

  11. The Cutter 11/05/2013 at 7:39 am #

    Oh, you wacky single people. Won’t you ever learn? The key is to lower your expectations!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 8:46 am #

      You’re right. The guy who wants to get married for fun sounds like a hopeless romantic. Emphasis on the hopeless.

  12. Edee Lemonier 11/05/2013 at 7:51 am #

    I like to read the dating stuff now and then because it’s the last time I went on a date with someone new my mother gave me a quarter and told her to call me “just in case.” I stashed the quarter and married him. This list is the reason I won’t let him ever leave. He’s not allowed to die any time soon, either. I’m too terrified of what’s “out there” (cue X-Files music). Wait, does that make me the crazy one?

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 8:47 am #

      Be terrified, be VERY terrified. As my aunt would say: “Good men are like parking spaces. The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.”

  13. Three Time Loser 11/05/2013 at 7:55 am #

    The dating pool is incredibly limited no matter your geographical location it seems. I had similar issues when I was single – which prompted me to write the following open letter on my own blog. I am sure some of it will be familiar to anyone who has ever been on a dating site at one point or another… http://threetimesaloser.wordpress.com/2011/09/23/an-open-letter-to-men-on-online-dating-sites/

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 8:49 am #

      Yes, the dating pool is the dating pool is the dating pool. There are weirdos no matter where you are.

  14. Madame Weebles 11/05/2013 at 8:22 am #

    I can’t even. I’m not sure what I’m more fascinated by, these ads, or the women who would read them and think, “Now THIS guy is a catch!”

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 8:50 am #

      This is the part that both fascinates and repulses me. These men believe that this is going to attract a woman. And you know, it actually might. I am sure there are “loyal, trustworthy married women” out there saying, “Hell yeah! He’s just like me!”

  15. Soul Walker 11/05/2013 at 8:38 am #

    That last one is a little disturbing… maybe he meant to add “with the riff trax” — that would be enjoyable… but just watching twilight?

  16. Nichole 11/05/2013 at 9:13 am #

    Yikes. I’d stick with the frozen pizza and wine.

  17. Carrie Rubin 11/05/2013 at 9:24 am #

    What? You can’t find a decent man from these? Picky, picky, picky… ;)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 9:38 am #

      My standards are crazy high. I guess my dream of finding an unmarried guy who isn’t a bigot is too much to ask for.

      • Carrie Rubin 11/05/2013 at 9:43 am #

        I notice you left Mr. Rectal off the list. Maybe you’re not so picky after all. ;)

  18. daniheart21 11/05/2013 at 9:25 am #

    It’s all a little disconcerting isn’t it Jen. wow. It’s hard to believe people really say stuff like that. Hang in there Jen….there’s a guy worthy of you somewhere. :)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 9:38 am #

      At this point, I don’t even care if I ever find someone. I just want THESE men staying away from me.

  19. Bill McMorrow 11/05/2013 at 9:28 am #

    Someday soon, meat popsicles will replace the dollar as legal currency.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 9:39 am #

      Now you’ll have tons of excuses for why you’re always touching yourself!

  20. Doggy's Style 11/05/2013 at 9:34 am #

    “I just want someone to watch ‘Twilight’ with on rainy days.”
    This is precious!
    You should see the gating ads of “the gays” WP would close my close if I write a post like yours.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 9:39 am #

      HA! My gay friend has read some of them to me. They do get points for being very…forward.

      • Doggy's Style 11/05/2013 at 9:40 am #

        Charmers, they know how to get to a guy’s heart lol

  21. rollergiraffe 11/05/2013 at 10:24 am #

    Imagine if all of these fine gentlemen became one being? I think you’ve found all the ingredients for the worst person in existence.

  22. Twindaddy 11/05/2013 at 10:31 am #

    Um, are these ACTUAL excerpts?

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 11:02 am #

      Yes. I wish they weren’t. I’ve been slowly collecting them, but when I did some last minute research last night I found a couple of gems back to back.

      In fairness to the guy who made the “I don’t care if you’re kinda racist” comment, the body of the paragraph explained that we all have flaws, and as long as they are “workable flaws” he is fine with it. It was just such a bizarre thing to use as an example though.

      • Twindaddy 11/05/2013 at 11:03 am #

        I’m speechless. Just…wow.

        • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 11:06 am #

          If you just keep being you, you will have NO competition in the dating arena.

          • Twindaddy 11/05/2013 at 11:09 am #

            Um, that’s assuming I ever enter that arena again.

          • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 11:12 am #

            On behalf of single women everywhere, please don’t sit out forever. As you can see, WE NEED YOU.

          • Twindaddy 11/05/2013 at 11:14 am #

            Yes…I’ve done so well so far….

  23. Maggie O'C 11/05/2013 at 11:38 am #

    Oh Jen, it’s just all so good. Just had to do the silent church laugh at my desk.

    Meat popsicle!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 11:57 am #

      Your husband is going to wonder where you picked up all of your colorful language.

  24. Ian C - Slap The Penguin 11/05/2013 at 1:03 pm #

    Thanks for the giggles, i’ve never heard it called the Humpty Dumpty before. Sounds a little scatological to me….

  25. Robbie 11/05/2013 at 1:10 pm #

    You had e at eat popsicles!

  26. The Byronic Man 11/05/2013 at 1:36 pm #

    It’d be interesting to know what the racism guy thinks of as “kinda.” As in, finite stereotyping? (“Asians are slightly better at math”) Specific stereotyping? (Koreans, Chinese, and Laotians are good at math. Not Vietnamese, Cambodians, or Japanese”) Indecisive stereotyping? (“Asians are good at math. Maybe. Yeah. No. Maybe.”)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:44 am #

      You’ve given a great deal of thought to this. I am going to send you all of my potential suitors’ ads, and have you break them down. You’ve obviously got the brains for it while I’ve got…this blog?

  27. Stacie 11/05/2013 at 1:38 pm #

    Lol! Getting a dog is definitely a good idea :)

  28. Jennie Saia 11/05/2013 at 2:30 pm #

    MEAT POPSICLE! These are truly amazing, and I thank you for adventuring into the wilds to find them for us.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:45 am #

      MEAT POPSICLE! I am sure there will be plenty more where this came from. The material writes itself.

  29. persephone2013 11/05/2013 at 6:29 pm #

    Roaring out loud, sharing these with my husband. More than funny. I think one of my favorites is “I don’t have money, a car, or a regular place to live, but I am hung.” Yep. That solves any and every problem. Being hung.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:45 am #

      Being hung will end poverty, the AIDS epidemic, and my dating dry spell.

  30. Roni Faida 11/05/2013 at 6:39 pm #

    I met a guy in person I met online. He was much…shall we say…pudgier than the picture he sent me. I asked him what happened to his abs that were in the picture and he said, “I still have them, they are just under the fat now.” Good times.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:46 am #

      I LOVE that guy’s response! I always tell people I don’t have a six pack, I have an entire keg.

  31. javaj240 11/05/2013 at 6:50 pm #

    I am always grateful for my long-term relationship when I hear “single girl stories”! This is the kind of shit that makes that trip to the sperm bank sound like an awesome idea! So funny, though!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:46 am #

      Yes, you hold on to that man. It’s scary out here.

  32. Diary of Doting Mom (@shyvish) 11/05/2013 at 7:28 pm #

    Oh my god! I just got around to reading this and it’s hilarious!! And these men, they’re for real??!! Thanks for my daily dose of laughter :)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:47 am #

      I WISH these men were not for real, but they are living, breathing, single men in the Portland, Oregon area.

  33. Aussa Lorens 11/05/2013 at 9:11 pm #

    Shut the front door. Way too many here to properly comment. I think my favorite one is probably the guy who’s girlfriend disappeared– There were so many other ways to express the fact that she was gone but he opted for a little mystery, some magic, and a lack of responsibility for the situation. I say you go for it.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:47 am #

      Wording is everything, it really is. Like, “since my last girlfriend went away” or “since we broke up” or ANYTHING ELSE but something with the word ‘disappeared’ in it.

  34. strawberryquicksand 11/05/2013 at 10:55 pm #

    Not quite a dating site, but once on a long haul trip somewhere in my bus I stopped off at a truckers rest stop for a bite to eat when I had a quick look through the local truckers newspaper. The personals just about had me weeing in my pants they were that funny. “got a full load?”.. or “room to park your truck out the front”. Too precious for words! I just wish I had kept the magazine for posterity!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:48 am #

      Dating puns! You have to give some credit to the people looking for a full load, and willing to say as much. Honesty is the cornerstone of any relationship.

  35. rarasaur 11/06/2013 at 1:21 am #

    I hope the Twilight guy is your last choice. ;) Even the disappeared-guy is less suspicious. :)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/07/2013 at 8:16 pm #

      The word ‘Twilight’ is an instant lady boner killer.

  36. shreejacob 11/06/2013 at 6:08 am #

    My favourite : “Loyal, trustworthy married man looking for an ongoing discreet sexual relationship.” *snort*

  37. MakeWayForLindaJ 11/06/2013 at 6:29 am #

    You know, I was just thinking the other day that my rectal area was feeling a bit tense. It’s nice to know that there’s a guy out there who’s willing to make relieving my ass tension a priority. Who says romance is dead?

    • Jen and Tonic 11/07/2013 at 8:17 pm #

      I’d like to see this kind of stuff featured in movies like “The Notebook”.

  38. speaker7 11/06/2013 at 2:19 pm #

    I’m pretty sure the one about the rectal massage came from Hugo.

  39. tinykitchenstories 11/07/2013 at 11:43 am #

    So funny yet sad at the same time. Get the dog. You’ll be happier.

  40. vyvacious 11/10/2013 at 12:44 pm #

    OH GOD. This is why I’ve shied away from dating for some time now…

    • Jen and Tonic 11/10/2013 at 1:06 pm #

      I know, and these are just the gems here in Portland. Can you imagine what else is out there?

  41. mytwistedroad 11/10/2013 at 9:04 pm #

    Ohhh, how I hate dating! I say this as I’m sitting at a bar next to a guy that keeps scratching his balls. Check Please!

    • mytwistedroad 11/10/2013 at 9:05 pm #

      Shit! Tall and cute ball scratcher, but please not in public. ;-(

    • Jen and Tonic 11/11/2013 at 11:09 am #

      I once had a guy on a date scratch his balls INSIDE of his pants, and then offer to hand feed me something ten minutes later. “Oh, I can really taste your sack sweat on that bread. Delicious.”

      • mytwistedroad 11/11/2013 at 11:13 am #

        I read “offered” … did you call it out! Fuck, I would have ran on the scratch… wouldn’t wanna catch something!!! Guys, I tell ya! *smh*

  42. AnElephantCant 11/11/2013 at 12:40 am #

    AnElephantCant date ladies
    The reason is tragically sad
    Though he’s kinda cute
    In a hat and a suit
    He clearly has to do more work on his ad

    • Jen and Tonic 11/11/2013 at 11:12 am #

      I like your rhymes
      I like your style
      You’ve already charmed me with your elephant-y smile

      Be yourself
      That’s the best advice
      Just don’t tell a woman her boobs look like a flotation device

      *drops mic*

      • AnElephantCant 11/11/2013 at 2:49 pm #

        AnElephantCant be rude to a lady
        He is always as polite as convention permits
        He takes your advice
        Is perpetually nice
        And never thinks of mentioning a woman’s er eh em bosom

  43. emmylgant 11/11/2013 at 3:30 am #

    Clearly I am looking in the wrong places!

  44. writerwendyreid 11/11/2013 at 6:28 pm #

    Too funny Jen. Although I didn’t appreciate the jab at one of my favorite “eye candy” movies. Just sayin’.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/12/2013 at 5:11 pm #

      HAHA! I waiting for someone to slap me on the wrist for that.

      • writerwendyreid 11/13/2013 at 8:14 am #

        Actually…it wasn’t your wrist I was aiming for. ;-)

  45. Twisted Spinstre 11/16/2013 at 11:26 pm #

    Reblogged this on Twisted Spinstre and commented:
    This is great. And certainly not a surprise.

  46. Kylie 11/20/2013 at 2:37 am #

    Ha! When I was using match.com there was guy whose photos were all pictures he had taken of women’s sporting events. He was so weird. He sent me a message about how he walks with his McDonald’s bag through the Farmer’s Market. What an ass.

    • Kylie 11/20/2013 at 2:38 am #

      Oh! And my sister went on a date who made her do a personality test during the date!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/20/2013 at 9:30 pm #

      WHAT?! How did you manage to find a good one amongst all the dumbasses?

      • Kylie 11/20/2013 at 9:43 pm #

        I don’t know. One of the things that was different was he asked me out right away, unlike the fools who just wanted to chat online. He had also gotten divorced and has kids so we were on similar wavelengths. He was really upfront, funny, and smart in his profile. We both feel like we hit the jackpot.

        Circling back to your post about that guy’s ‘getting back your ex’ advice, I was using Match when I was experimenting with applying the Rules and He’s Just Not that Into You. For example, I didn’t contact guys. I waited for them to find me, figuring if they were interested they’d make the effort. I experimented a little by winking at guys I was attracted to and did not get a single glance back.I also applied it to the guys who just wanted to chat; if they didn’t ask me on a date within two messages, I was over and out. I found it to be really empowering as I had absolutely NO dating or flirting skills in my teens and twenties. I grew up with mixed messages about looking like a “tart” if I wore make-up and yet being told to go out with any guy who asked me (the number of which I can count on one hand). Lesson: feel ashamed about my appearance and feel grateful that anybody stooped to be interested. Disastrous.

  47. C. Miller 11/29/2013 at 7:37 pm #

    Oh my….GOD. O.o

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  1. 5 Writing Tips I Learned During NaBloPoMo | Sips of Jen and Tonic - 11/29/2013

    […] helped me kickstart my writing on several occasion. I made seasonal candle holders while writing my bizarre dating ads post, and made clay beads for a bracelet during the juice cleanse piece. Focusing on arts/crafts is […]

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