The 10 Most Bizarre Things I’ve Read in Dating Ads

5 Nov

1332720493427_9592690I know this is hard to believe, but I’m single. I KNOW! What, with showing strangers my hershey kiss, and accusing random men of being murderers, you’d think someone would have locked this down by now.

I am not actively pursuing a relationship, but from time to time I like to look at what’s out there to see what I’ll be working with once I’m ready for it. Most ads are filled with the same things: age, physical traits, kids/no kids, smoking/no smoking, and a list of things he or she is looking for in a partner. Very benign stuff.

Experts say the key to standing out is to write punchy, attention-grabbing lines. I think the men below misunderstood what that meant.

“I’ve been looking for the next princess to spoil ever since my last girlfriend disappeared.”

I might as well supply the picture my parents will need to put on the milk carton.

“I want a girl I can take to visit my mom, and have dinner with, and have sex with all at the same time.”

I hope your mom doesn’t mind me getting crumbs all over her bed while we do the Humpty Dumpty in front of her.

“Loyal, trustworthy married man looking for an ongoing discreet sexual relationship.”

I am sure your wife would describe you as loyal and trustworthy, especially on your divorce papers.

“I enjoy pampering a woman: roses, presents, fancy dinners and full body (include rectal) massages.”

You had me at “rectal.”

“What I am looking for is a woman, preferably a weird woman, who can’t figure out what the hell it is she wants…I need someone FUCKING NUTS.”

What a relief. All those therapy bills of mine were really beginning to add up.

“Let’s get married for fun. Sounds totally crazy, I realize, but I dunno, could be great fun too. We could meet, talk for a while, and see what we think. If we like each other, we head down, and just do it.”

You know what else is fun? The divorce rate in this country.

“If you’re kinda racist that’s okay.”

On a scale of Rush Limbaugh to KKK, I’d like you to be a Pat Robertson.

“I don’t have money, a car, or a regular place to live, but I am hung.”

This is very convenient since my landlord just started accepting meat popsicles as payment.

“Bonus points if you’re pregnant. (Not looking to be the father of the child)”

If this womb is a’rockin don’t come a’knockin.

“I just want someone to watch ‘Twilight’ with on rainy days.”

I hate you.

On second thought, I think I’ll just adopt a dog instead.

122 Responses to “The 10 Most Bizarre Things I’ve Read in Dating Ads”

  1. C. Miller 11/29/2013 at 7:37 pm #

    Oh my….GOD. O.o

  2. Kylie 11/20/2013 at 2:37 am #

    Ha! When I was using match.com there was guy whose photos were all pictures he had taken of women’s sporting events. He was so weird. He sent me a message about how he walks with his McDonald’s bag through the Farmer’s Market. What an ass.

    • Kylie 11/20/2013 at 2:38 am #

      Oh! And my sister went on a date who made her do a personality test during the date!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/20/2013 at 9:30 pm #

      WHAT?! How did you manage to find a good one amongst all the dumbasses?

      • Kylie 11/20/2013 at 9:43 pm #

        I don’t know. One of the things that was different was he asked me out right away, unlike the fools who just wanted to chat online. He had also gotten divorced and has kids so we were on similar wavelengths. He was really upfront, funny, and smart in his profile. We both feel like we hit the jackpot.

        Circling back to your post about that guy’s ‘getting back your ex’ advice, I was using Match when I was experimenting with applying the Rules and He’s Just Not that Into You. For example, I didn’t contact guys. I waited for them to find me, figuring if they were interested they’d make the effort. I experimented a little by winking at guys I was attracted to and did not get a single glance back.I also applied it to the guys who just wanted to chat; if they didn’t ask me on a date within two messages, I was over and out. I found it to be really empowering as I had absolutely NO dating or flirting skills in my teens and twenties. I grew up with mixed messages about looking like a “tart” if I wore make-up and yet being told to go out with any guy who asked me (the number of which I can count on one hand). Lesson: feel ashamed about my appearance and feel grateful that anybody stooped to be interested. Disastrous.

  3. Twisted Spinstre 11/16/2013 at 11:26 pm #

    Reblogged this on Twisted Spinstre and commented:
    This is great. And certainly not a surprise.

  4. writerwendyreid 11/11/2013 at 6:28 pm #

    Too funny Jen. Although I didn’t appreciate the jab at one of my favorite “eye candy” movies. Just sayin’.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/12/2013 at 5:11 pm #

      HAHA! I waiting for someone to slap me on the wrist for that.

      • writerwendyreid 11/13/2013 at 8:14 am #

        Actually…it wasn’t your wrist I was aiming for. ;-)

  5. emmylgant 11/11/2013 at 3:30 am #

    Clearly I am looking in the wrong places!

  6. AnElephantCant 11/11/2013 at 12:40 am #

    AnElephantCant date ladies
    The reason is tragically sad
    Though he’s kinda cute
    In a hat and a suit
    He clearly has to do more work on his ad

    • Jen and Tonic 11/11/2013 at 11:12 am #

      I like your rhymes
      I like your style
      You’ve already charmed me with your elephant-y smile

      Be yourself
      That’s the best advice
      Just don’t tell a woman her boobs look like a flotation device

      *drops mic*

      • AnElephantCant 11/11/2013 at 2:49 pm #

        AnElephantCant be rude to a lady
        He is always as polite as convention permits
        He takes your advice
        Is perpetually nice
        And never thinks of mentioning a woman’s er eh em bosom

  7. mytwistedroad 11/10/2013 at 9:04 pm #

    Ohhh, how I hate dating! I say this as I’m sitting at a bar next to a guy that keeps scratching his balls. Check Please!

    • mytwistedroad 11/10/2013 at 9:05 pm #

      Shit! Tall and cute ball scratcher, but please not in public. ;-(

    • Jen and Tonic 11/11/2013 at 11:09 am #

      I once had a guy on a date scratch his balls INSIDE of his pants, and then offer to hand feed me something ten minutes later. “Oh, I can really taste your sack sweat on that bread. Delicious.”

      • mytwistedroad 11/11/2013 at 11:13 am #

        I read “offered” … did you call it out! Fuck, I would have ran on the scratch… wouldn’t wanna catch something!!! Guys, I tell ya! *smh*

  8. vyvacious 11/10/2013 at 12:44 pm #

    OH GOD. This is why I’ve shied away from dating for some time now…

    • Jen and Tonic 11/10/2013 at 1:06 pm #

      I know, and these are just the gems here in Portland. Can you imagine what else is out there?

  9. tinykitchenstories 11/07/2013 at 11:43 am #

    So funny yet sad at the same time. Get the dog. You’ll be happier.

  10. speaker7 11/06/2013 at 2:19 pm #

    I’m pretty sure the one about the rectal massage came from Hugo.

  11. MakeWayForLindaJ 11/06/2013 at 6:29 am #

    You know, I was just thinking the other day that my rectal area was feeling a bit tense. It’s nice to know that there’s a guy out there who’s willing to make relieving my ass tension a priority. Who says romance is dead?

    • Jen and Tonic 11/07/2013 at 8:17 pm #

      I’d like to see this kind of stuff featured in movies like “The Notebook”.

  12. shreejacob 11/06/2013 at 6:08 am #

    My favourite : “Loyal, trustworthy married man looking for an ongoing discreet sexual relationship.” *snort*

  13. rarasaur 11/06/2013 at 1:21 am #

    I hope the Twilight guy is your last choice. ;) Even the disappeared-guy is less suspicious. :)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/07/2013 at 8:16 pm #

      The word ‘Twilight’ is an instant lady boner killer.

  14. strawberryquicksand 11/05/2013 at 10:55 pm #

    Not quite a dating site, but once on a long haul trip somewhere in my bus I stopped off at a truckers rest stop for a bite to eat when I had a quick look through the local truckers newspaper. The personals just about had me weeing in my pants they were that funny. “got a full load?”.. or “room to park your truck out the front”. Too precious for words! I just wish I had kept the magazine for posterity!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:48 am #

      Dating puns! You have to give some credit to the people looking for a full load, and willing to say as much. Honesty is the cornerstone of any relationship.

  15. Aussa Lorens 11/05/2013 at 9:11 pm #

    Shut the front door. Way too many here to properly comment. I think my favorite one is probably the guy who’s girlfriend disappeared– There were so many other ways to express the fact that she was gone but he opted for a little mystery, some magic, and a lack of responsibility for the situation. I say you go for it.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:47 am #

      Wording is everything, it really is. Like, “since my last girlfriend went away” or “since we broke up” or ANYTHING ELSE but something with the word ‘disappeared’ in it.

  16. Diary of Doting Mom (@shyvish) 11/05/2013 at 7:28 pm #

    Oh my god! I just got around to reading this and it’s hilarious!! And these men, they’re for real??!! Thanks for my daily dose of laughter :)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:47 am #

      I WISH these men were not for real, but they are living, breathing, single men in the Portland, Oregon area.

  17. javaj240 11/05/2013 at 6:50 pm #

    I am always grateful for my long-term relationship when I hear “single girl stories”! This is the kind of shit that makes that trip to the sperm bank sound like an awesome idea! So funny, though!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:46 am #

      Yes, you hold on to that man. It’s scary out here.

  18. Roni Faida 11/05/2013 at 6:39 pm #

    I met a guy in person I met online. He was much…shall we say…pudgier than the picture he sent me. I asked him what happened to his abs that were in the picture and he said, “I still have them, they are just under the fat now.” Good times.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:46 am #

      I LOVE that guy’s response! I always tell people I don’t have a six pack, I have an entire keg.

  19. persephone2013 11/05/2013 at 6:29 pm #

    Roaring out loud, sharing these with my husband. More than funny. I think one of my favorites is “I don’t have money, a car, or a regular place to live, but I am hung.” Yep. That solves any and every problem. Being hung.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:45 am #

      Being hung will end poverty, the AIDS epidemic, and my dating dry spell.

  20. Jennie Saia 11/05/2013 at 2:30 pm #

    MEAT POPSICLE! These are truly amazing, and I thank you for adventuring into the wilds to find them for us.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:45 am #

      MEAT POPSICLE! I am sure there will be plenty more where this came from. The material writes itself.

  21. Stacie 11/05/2013 at 1:38 pm #

    Lol! Getting a dog is definitely a good idea :)

  22. The Byronic Man 11/05/2013 at 1:36 pm #

    It’d be interesting to know what the racism guy thinks of as “kinda.” As in, finite stereotyping? (“Asians are slightly better at math”) Specific stereotyping? (Koreans, Chinese, and Laotians are good at math. Not Vietnamese, Cambodians, or Japanese”) Indecisive stereotyping? (“Asians are good at math. Maybe. Yeah. No. Maybe.”)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:44 am #

      You’ve given a great deal of thought to this. I am going to send you all of my potential suitors’ ads, and have you break them down. You’ve obviously got the brains for it while I’ve got…this blog?

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. 5 Writing Tips I Learned During NaBloPoMo | Sips of Jen and Tonic - 11/29/2013

    […] helped me kickstart my writing on several occasion. I made seasonal candle holders while writing my bizarre dating ads post, and made clay beads for a bracelet during the juice cleanse piece. Focusing on arts/crafts is […]

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