The 10 Most Bizarre Things I’ve Read in Dating Ads

5 Nov

1332720493427_9592690I know this is hard to believe, but I’m single. I KNOW! What, with showing strangers my hershey kiss, and accusing random men of being murderers, you’d think someone would have locked this down by now.

I am not actively pursuing a relationship, but from time to time I like to look at what’s out there to see what I’ll be working with once I’m ready for it. Most ads are filled with the same things: age, physical traits, kids/no kids, smoking/no smoking, and a list of things he or she is looking for in a partner. Very benign stuff.

Experts say the key to standing out is to write punchy, attention-grabbing lines. I think the men below misunderstood what that meant.

“I’ve been looking for the next princess to spoil ever since my last girlfriend disappeared.”

I might as well supply the picture my parents will need to put on the milk carton.

“I want a girl I can take to visit my mom, and have dinner with, and have sex with all at the same time.”

I hope your mom doesn’t mind me getting crumbs all over her bed while we do the Humpty Dumpty in front of her.

“Loyal, trustworthy married man looking for an ongoing discreet sexual relationship.”

I am sure your wife would describe you as loyal and trustworthy, especially on your divorce papers.

“I enjoy pampering a woman: roses, presents, fancy dinners and full body (include rectal) massages.”

You had me at “rectal.”

“What I am looking for is a woman, preferably a weird woman, who can’t figure out what the hell it is she wants…I need someone FUCKING NUTS.”

What a relief. All those therapy bills of mine were really beginning to add up.

“Let’s get married for fun. Sounds totally crazy, I realize, but I dunno, could be great fun too. We could meet, talk for a while, and see what we think. If we like each other, we head down, and just do it.”

You know what else is fun? The divorce rate in this country.

“If you’re kinda racist that’s okay.”

On a scale of Rush Limbaugh to KKK, I’d like you to be a Pat Robertson.

“I don’t have money, a car, or a regular place to live, but I am hung.”

This is very convenient since my landlord just started accepting meat popsicles as payment.

“Bonus points if you’re pregnant. (Not looking to be the father of the child)”

If this womb is a’rockin don’t come a’knockin.

“I just want someone to watch ‘Twilight’ with on rainy days.”

I hate you.

On second thought, I think I’ll just adopt a dog instead.

122 Responses to “The 10 Most Bizarre Things I’ve Read in Dating Ads”

  1. Robbie 11/05/2013 at 1:10 pm #

    You had e at eat popsicles!

  2. Ian C - Slap The Penguin 11/05/2013 at 1:03 pm #

    Thanks for the giggles, i’ve never heard it called the Humpty Dumpty before. Sounds a little scatological to me….

  3. Maggie O'C 11/05/2013 at 11:38 am #

    Oh Jen, it’s just all so good. Just had to do the silent church laugh at my desk.

    Meat popsicle!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 11:57 am #

      Your husband is going to wonder where you picked up all of your colorful language.

  4. Twindaddy 11/05/2013 at 10:31 am #

    Um, are these ACTUAL excerpts?

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 11:02 am #

      Yes. I wish they weren’t. I’ve been slowly collecting them, but when I did some last minute research last night I found a couple of gems back to back.

      In fairness to the guy who made the “I don’t care if you’re kinda racist” comment, the body of the paragraph explained that we all have flaws, and as long as they are “workable flaws” he is fine with it. It was just such a bizarre thing to use as an example though.

      • Twindaddy 11/05/2013 at 11:03 am #

        I’m speechless. Just…wow.

        • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 11:06 am #

          If you just keep being you, you will have NO competition in the dating arena.

          • Twindaddy 11/05/2013 at 11:09 am #

            Um, that’s assuming I ever enter that arena again.

          • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 11:12 am #

            On behalf of single women everywhere, please don’t sit out forever. As you can see, WE NEED YOU.

          • Twindaddy 11/05/2013 at 11:14 am #

            Yes…I’ve done so well so far….

  5. rollergiraffe 11/05/2013 at 10:24 am #

    Imagine if all of these fine gentlemen became one being? I think you’ve found all the ingredients for the worst person in existence.

  6. Doggy's Style 11/05/2013 at 9:34 am #

    “I just want someone to watch ‘Twilight’ with on rainy days.”
    This is precious!
    You should see the gating ads of “the gays” WP would close my close if I write a post like yours.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 9:39 am #

      HA! My gay friend has read some of them to me. They do get points for being very…forward.

      • Doggy's Style 11/05/2013 at 9:40 am #

        Charmers, they know how to get to a guy’s heart lol

  7. Bill McMorrow 11/05/2013 at 9:28 am #

    Someday soon, meat popsicles will replace the dollar as legal currency.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 9:39 am #

      Now you’ll have tons of excuses for why you’re always touching yourself!

  8. daniheart21 11/05/2013 at 9:25 am #

    It’s all a little disconcerting isn’t it Jen. wow. It’s hard to believe people really say stuff like that. Hang in there Jen….there’s a guy worthy of you somewhere. 🙂

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 9:38 am #

      At this point, I don’t even care if I ever find someone. I just want THESE men staying away from me.

  9. Carrie Rubin 11/05/2013 at 9:24 am #

    What? You can’t find a decent man from these? Picky, picky, picky… 😉

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 9:38 am #

      My standards are crazy high. I guess my dream of finding an unmarried guy who isn’t a bigot is too much to ask for.

      • Carrie Rubin 11/05/2013 at 9:43 am #

        I notice you left Mr. Rectal off the list. Maybe you’re not so picky after all. 😉

  10. Nichole 11/05/2013 at 9:13 am #

    Yikes. I’d stick with the frozen pizza and wine.

  11. Soul Walker 11/05/2013 at 8:38 am #

    That last one is a little disturbing… maybe he meant to add “with the riff trax” — that would be enjoyable… but just watching twilight?

  12. Madame Weebles 11/05/2013 at 8:22 am #

    I can’t even. I’m not sure what I’m more fascinated by, these ads, or the women who would read them and think, “Now THIS guy is a catch!”

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 8:50 am #

      This is the part that both fascinates and repulses me. These men believe that this is going to attract a woman. And you know, it actually might. I am sure there are “loyal, trustworthy married women” out there saying, “Hell yeah! He’s just like me!”

  13. Three Time Loser 11/05/2013 at 7:55 am #

    The dating pool is incredibly limited no matter your geographical location it seems. I had similar issues when I was single – which prompted me to write the following open letter on my own blog. I am sure some of it will be familiar to anyone who has ever been on a dating site at one point or another… http://threetimesaloser.wordpress.com/2011/09/23/an-open-letter-to-men-on-online-dating-sites/

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 8:49 am #

      Yes, the dating pool is the dating pool is the dating pool. There are weirdos no matter where you are.

  14. Edee Lemonier 11/05/2013 at 7:51 am #

    I like to read the dating stuff now and then because it’s the last time I went on a date with someone new my mother gave me a quarter and told her to call me “just in case.” I stashed the quarter and married him. This list is the reason I won’t let him ever leave. He’s not allowed to die any time soon, either. I’m too terrified of what’s “out there” (cue X-Files music). Wait, does that make me the crazy one?

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 8:47 am #

      Be terrified, be VERY terrified. As my aunt would say: “Good men are like parking spaces. The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.”

  15. The Cutter 11/05/2013 at 7:39 am #

    Oh, you wacky single people. Won’t you ever learn? The key is to lower your expectations!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 8:46 am #

      You’re right. The guy who wants to get married for fun sounds like a hopeless romantic. Emphasis on the hopeless.

  16. Amanda Fox 11/05/2013 at 7:38 am #

    As a long-time married woman, I occasionally think to myself, “Ah, what would it be like to be single again…” but you’ve fixed that. My husband thanks you LOL.

  17. Katie 11/05/2013 at 6:53 am #

    These are all so tame compared to Craig’s List. I had to look up what a “ski bunny” was.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 8:45 am #

      A couple of these were taken from Craigslist. Also, one guy was looking for a date AND selling his DVD collection, all in the same ad. I guess he gets points for efficiency.

      • Katie 11/05/2013 at 8:46 am #

        Send me his digits if he has Blu-Rays.

      • GiggsMcGill Jill 03/04/2014 at 11:52 am #

        I thought some of these must be Craigslist!

        Not that I’ve gone on there enough to be able to tell or anything… ^.^

  18. michellestodden 11/05/2013 at 5:48 am #

    I was scrolling through the match.com profiles a week or so ago. I keep telling myself that I need to jump in the pond again, but from what I’ve seen while looking online, I’m going to end up covered in slime. (Dr. Seuss for dating right there.)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 8:44 am #

      RHYMEZ.

      Sometimes I wonder what people are thinking when they post certain stuff. The idea of ads is to put you best foot forward, and if that’s their best foot…

  19. NotAPunkRocker 11/05/2013 at 5:32 am #

    I used to feel slightly smug that I didn’t have to deal with any of this. Then I got divorced and yikes! I just stay out of it all and continue to collect felines.

    A friend of mine did try online and was wondering WTH was wrong with this guy given his ad was “so specific”:

    ‘I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late. I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity, who uses a machete to cut through red tape. With fingernails that shine like justice and a voice that is dark like tinted glass.’

    I was the only one who realized it was a Cake song. Sadly, he was already taken by the time I looked up the ad…

    • michellestodden 11/05/2013 at 5:43 am #

      Ha! I recognized that immediately, too. I would jump on that one.

      I’m going to have that song stuck in my head all day now. Which is okay.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 8:39 am #

      I used to lament for my single friends, wondering how the hell they got through dating stranger after stranger. Now I AM that person. I would almost rather just accept I’ll die alone, and make up an imaginary friend to keep me company.

      I’m sad you couldn’t contact that guy. He sounds awesome.

    • Kylie 11/20/2013 at 9:44 pm #

      That was my theme song when I was getting divorced and becoming newly single!

  20. The Hook 11/05/2013 at 5:28 am #

    MY GOD, THIS WAS BRILLIANT, JEN!
    Definitely worthy of all caps!
    I imagine the momma’s boy is beating them off with a stick…

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 8:37 am #

      Mom: “Can I come in honey?”

      Him: “NO, MOM!”

      Mom: “I just wanted to bring you a sandwich, juice and a few condoms. Good luck honey! I know you’ll be great.”

      • The Hook 11/05/2013 at 8:40 am #

        Moms rule, don’t they?
        Once again, this was one of your very best.
        Keep up the good work!

  21. Vanessa-Jane Chapman 11/05/2013 at 5:07 am #

    Haha, how funny! What kind of idiots would respond to these ads? Just out of interest, do you have the contact details? You know…for my friend.

  22. Amy 11/05/2013 at 5:07 am #

    Hahaha this is hilarious, there’s really some strange people out there!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 8:35 am #

      Tell me about it. There are a lot of normal people as well, but the odd balls seem to be more visible…and memorable.

  23. nobodysreadingme 11/05/2013 at 5:05 am #

    I’ve had some weird stuff happen too, Jen.
    http://nobodysreadingme.wordpress.com/2012/12/17/the-perils-of-lonely-hearts-ads/

  24. victoriabruce 11/05/2013 at 5:04 am #

    Reblogged this on The Blurred Line and commented:
    Dating. Like diving into a pool of piranha and hoping to meet a mermaid. These are some of the funniest personal ads I have ever seen.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/05/2013 at 8:33 am #

      “Dating [is] like diving into a pool of piranha and hoping to meet a mermaid.” I need that on a t-shirt.

      Thanks for the reblog!

  25. victoriabruce 11/05/2013 at 5:03 am #

    This is brilliant! I really needed this laugh. You had me at rectal.

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