If you’ve been following this blog for years awhile this week, you know that I work from home. I’ve been telecommuting for the past year, but prior to that, I was part of the daily grind just like everyone else. This was before I started barking at strangers, and considering brushing my teeth optional.
I am not a morning person in the least bit. I was meant to go to bed at 2AM, and wake up at 10AM. Anything deviating from this means you’re not getting me at my best, and by “best” I mean everyone else’s version of mediocre.
This is how my mornings used to look:
- Alarm goes off
- Curse myself for not being born a Kardashian
- Get up and drop a couple F-bombs on my alarm
- Look in the mirror and wonder if science will one day be able to help me
- Wash face/brush teeth/pee while checking Facebook on my phone
- Pick out an outfit that screams “you don’t pay me enough to dress well”
- Head to work vowing to find a rich husband because I’m too awesome to work
- Get coffee because my hypothalamus is bossy as hell
As we all know, routines aren’t fool proof. Sometimes my alarm wouldn’t go off, causing me to run around like a methed up Usain Bolt. I’d be eating breakfast while blow drying my hair while looking for my keys while getting dressed.
One morning I woke up particularly late, leaving me with 10 minutes to get out the door if I wanted to get coffee and still be on time to work. I had just enough time to pee, brush my teeth, slap on some tinted moisturizer, and dig through the dryer for something to wear before taking off.
Despite my blood pressure reaching stroke levels, I was able to calm down once I saw Starbucks in the distance. I knew that I would soon have a caffeinated beverage in hand, allowing for my brain and body to once again work together as a pair.
I walked in, and there were at least 3,000 people in line. I had to decide between getting coffee, and being late to work. I thought about how much they paid me and thought, “They should be happy I show up at all.”
As I slowly moved my way up the line, my pant leg began bunching up. I reached down, and straightened it. Again I moved, and again it bunched up. I shook my leg a bit, hoping it would fix itself. It didn’t, so I shook a little more vigorously.
Do you know what happens when you continuously shake the leg of a pair of pants you pulled out of a static-laden dryer? You launch a pair of ratty, oversized underwear you only wear when your uterus has swelled to the size of an oil tanker into the middle of a packed Starbucks.
PURE SEKS
People saw the miniature parachute, looked at me, and I could feel their pity burrowing a hole into the side of my head. They’d go to work and say, “Some girl at Starbucks threw her underwear around like she was at a KISS concert. At first I thought it was a small pillowcase, but it was definitely a pair of panties.”
My first instinct was to run out of there, leaving my panties as a warning to all oversleepers, but decided to stick it out and get my coffee. It was a long 10 minutes in line.
Later that day I called a friend, and we laughed as I told him about the incident. “Don’t ever let it be said that the coffee at Starbucks isn’t any good. It’s so amazing it’ll rip the panties right off of you.”
Sips of Jen and Tonic 
That is horrific and delightful. That’s happened to me before, but it was just a sock. I would have to melt into the floor if my underpants fell out of my overpants.
Pants are evil pranksters. They hold on to your clothes until the exact moment you’re around other people, and then just spit them out.
Lol, I wish I drank coffee now! Sending the link to Chloe so she doesn’t think she’s the only one to pull these moves. 🙂
Poor Chloe. We need to form a support group.
Hahahahaha! I love that closing line. That’s quite the endorsement for Starbucks, indeed.
They should put that on their quote cups.
You have the funniest stories, Jen! I can’t believe these things happen to you. I would have stuck it out for coffee, too. Oh, yeah. It’s worth it. Good call on that.
At that time I couldn’t function without caffeine. I wasn’t thinking clearly. My brain was just telling me that coffee trumped embarrassment.
Your embarrassing stories always win.
Also, you know how to sweet-talk a therapist by mentioning the hypothalamus. Hotness.
I was speaking directly to you.
You also know how to make a girl blush.
I dislike coffee but this was freaking hilarious!
You dislike coffee?! WHAT DO YOU DRINK?
Ha ha! When I was thirteen — to teach me a lesson about littering my dirty clothes on the bathroom floor — my dad put a pair of my underwear in my lunch bag. Yeah. Sitting at the 7th grade cafeteria and whipping out a pair of my dirty underwear for everyone to see was a highlight of my junior high career. It was also effective.
OHMIGOD. OHMIGOD. OHMIGOD.
Parenting: you’re doing it right.
The physics of this is rattling my brain. I need a video to understand it….
or some coffee 🙂
Sadly, there isn’t any video of that, but this should more than make up for it: https://showyou.com/v/h-Uh0Gh3PS7k7fodnC/this-aerobic-video-wins-everything?u=break
Wow. That was extraordinary….
Right? Greatest thing to ever hit the internet.
Just choked on my made at home coffee from laughing!
BE CAREFUL. We can’t have any deaths on this blog!
At least a miniature animal did not come out of your pants…like a gerbil..that would have been Richard-Gere-Difficult to explain….
Hahaha!
Cheeky monkey
😉
Poor Richard Gere. He’ll never be able to realize his dream as a pocket pet daycare owner.
Maybe in another lifetime
Hilarious Jen!
At least they were clean!
Red
Good point. Always a silver lining.
I had an aunt that, while standing up to be introduced to a man, had her panties fall around her ankles. She simply stepped out of them and put them in her purse. One cool lady.
I have never wanted to be another person, but now I want to be her. What style.
Ohh lord!
I would have loved to be there, so I could have write a post about that girls who dropped her panties.
Thanks for the laugh!
“Went to get coffee today. Some crazy girl dressed in wrinkled clothing kicked her panties at me. Is she hitting on me, or just a hot mess? I guess we’ll never know.”
This is one of the reasons why I’ve avoided drinking coffee. I don’t want to be throwing my underwear everywhere.
Caffeine is the catalyst to promiscuous behavior. (un)Scientific Fact.
Oh my God, you had me laughing with this one. How embarrassing. But sounds like you handled it like a pro. Then again, is anyone ever a pro at something like this?…
I think you get good at brushing things off because you don’t know what it’s like to live a normal life.
Oh man I am always so worried about this happening to me! Good to know you survived the embarrassment, if it ever does happen I’ll be able to look to you as an inspiration, great post 🙂
Consider me the Dalai Lama of unfortunate incidents.
That make me laugh out loud. I think the correct response is to whirl them around your head upon receipt of your coffee and shout ‘Yeah baby’ while flinging them at the barista. You’d be the Jared of Starbucks before noon…
What a PR stunt that would be. “My name is Jen, and drinking Starbucks allowed me to become comfortable in my own skin. I can’t keep my clothes on anymore!”
Oh dear! Did you pick them up and parasail the rest of the way to work?? Lol. You rock, Jen!
I put them on a boat, and used them to sail to another continent. I can’t show my face in this one anymore.
When Maya was still a baby, I bent over at work once and had a breastfeeding pad fall out of my bra.
Oh god. Was it totally soaked in breast milk? I imagine that could bring about a fetish crowd.
No, thank God. That was the only blessing in that situation.
That’s why I think more Starbucks should have drive-throughs…
AGREED.
Hysterical! Thanks for getting my unfortunately sans-Starbucks day off to a great start!
This blog is the only thing better than caffeine.
Another valid reason why telecommuting is so necessary. Not only efficient – much less embarrassing.
Exactly. Just work naked. Problem solved.
Thankfully, I’ve managed to avoid such an incident, but I go back to school here in a couple months, so we’ll see.
Great post — it was hilarious!
Make sure to give your pants a good pat down before entering the classroom. You’re kind of dedicated to sticking around once you’re in there.
There’s no way I would have thought of that on my own. Haha
Granny panties are awesome. We need to have more incidents like this to bring them back into fashion (under our clothes, of course).
I wish they weren’t so comfortable, but having them sort of hang off of you when you’re lounging in bed….that’s comfort.
My ex-wife once shook a pair of knickers out of her jeans in the supermarket. I’m afraid to say I laughed a lot at that.
Oh god, really? Did she abandon the cart, or stick it out like a champ?
We just walked on as if nothing had happened. Me and Mrs Joe Cool.