Obligatory New Year’s Post

Hooked on Tonics, I’ve been away for awhile. I received notes from a few of you expressing your concern:

“Are you going to come back? You’re the most brilliant (and beautiful) writer on the planet. You’ve spoiled me so much I can’t read anything else.”

“Come back or I’ll gut you like a pig.”

“What I really need is more cowbell, but since I can’t have that, you’ll do.”

You guys flatter me.

I’ve been very busy over the last couple of weeks. I went to California to spend time with my family for Christmas, and it was equal parts fun, terrifying and exhausting. Once I got home, I came down with the horrible flu/cold thing that has been going around. Additionally, a new role I’ve taken on at my job kept me a bit busier than I anticipated. In short, shit was cray.

I missed all of you, especially those who send me nudes on the regular.

SoJaT fact: Burt was the first person to follow this blog

During my time away, I had a lot of time to think about my New Year’s resolutions. I thought about my resolutions from last year, and how completing them (or not completing them) has impacted me. I also thought about the unexpected things that happened to me last year which meant more to me than completing any resolution ever has.

I decided in 2013 I want to do more Bikram Yoga, get better sleep, and drink more water. So far I haven’t done any of the three. I’m such a go-getter. I did do a Yoga Booty Ballet DVD I found at a thrift store, and discovered how inflexible I am. That counts for…nothing.

The only person who could finish the Yoga Booty Ballet DVD

I’m not worried that I’m a week in, and haven’t yet sat in a room that smells like body odor and feet while I contort myself in very unnatural ways. I don’t care that 6 hours of sleep a night is considered amazing in my book. I’m also not concerned that I drank so little water last week my kidneys may look like the desert floor. These aren’t my real New Year’s resolutions.

I just want to be happy.

“Jen, you’re an asshole.”

I know, I know. It sounds so contrived, but when you think about it, isn’t that what resolutions are about anyway? We all want to get in shape, be in a relationship, find a better job, have more adventures. Isn’t that our attempt at finding happiness?

Historically, I’ve been my biggest enemy. I’d get so down on myself for the things I didn’t do that I failed to see all of the wonderful things I have done. I’d be disappointed that I didn’t drop a pants size, and never ran that 5k I promised myself I would. Forget the fact that I volunteered, surprised my friends with gifts for no reason, listened to my sisters when they needed me to, and worked my ass off at my job. No, nothing to be proud of there.

I am nothing like I wanted to be at 31. In fact, if you had told Little Jen that this is how Big Jen would turn out, I would have scoffed. Knowing what I know now, I’m thankful that I’m not the person I thought I should be. People aren’t thoughts, they’re realities.

I just want to do things that make me happy this year:

• Drink wine while taking a bath
• Read more, write less OR write more, read less
• Take an art class
• Go see a movie
• Visit some of my blogging friends
• Sleep in
• Disconnect from technology for a weekend
• Go on a hike
• Write a letter to Congress about chip bags being 40% air
• Buy a unicorn mask
• Think about what I’d say to David Hasselhoff if we met (It would be, “Wanna get a burger?”)
• Start a YouTube channel
• Don’t stress out when I check my bank account
• Make mix tapes and leave them in random places for strangers to find

Anything and everything. That is my plan for 2013. I am so sick of having an arbitrary list of tasks, and feeling like my happiness in contingent upon finishing it. What’s wrong with going with the flow, and letting my life show me what will make me happy?

So I guess this is an anti-New Year’s resolutions post. I’m so counterculture. You may call me Jen Von Badass from now on.

What things would you do this year if your only goal was to be happy?

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I highly recommend this post by La La who seemed to be reading my mind when she was typing at her keyboard. Happiness is contagious. Instead of Herpes, let’s try to spread more of that this year.

Tags: burt reynolds naked, happiness, humor, I'm an asshole, Jen Von Badass, new year's resolutions, spread happiness not herpes