I’ve come to accept that there are things in life I can’t control:
- Death
- People actin’ a fool towards me
- Weather
- MTV playing reruns of the MTV Movie Awards for 6 straight months after it airs
- My bladder
While driving today, I came up with a great concept for today’s blog. I was going to talk about my family, love, friendship and all that other crap you’re supposed to be thankful for around the holidays. I was going to win awards with this post. The Nobel Prize committee might as well have been polishing my medal (they give medals, right?)
I got all cozy in bed, fired up the laptop, and was ready to type up my masterpiece. Then I heard it. The squeaking. The moaning. The banging on the wall. Crazy jungle sex from my neighbor upstairs.
My neighbor’s “Kama Sutra”
(Credit: IMDB)
Look, sex is a normal part of life. I think the world would be a much better place is people got laid more often. I’m not a prude, and I’m genuinely happy for people who get a little slap and tickle on a regular basis. My issue isn’t with sex itself.
My issue is with their sex.
As some background, they are not a couple. I thank my lucky stars that I don’t have to listen to that hot mess on a regular basis. He’s a wannabe player in his late 20’s, and she’s a cougar who looks like she snorted one too many lines of coke at Studio 54. They just get together on occasion and do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.
He calls her up, she comes over, and they hang out in his room for awhile. I can hear them mumbling and laughing for a good hour before they start getting their freak on. I imagine during this time they’re drinking Bud Light (or something equally offensive) and listening to the smooth sounds of Ginuwine.
Then they move into the Bow Chicka Wow phase of the night. Fine, ruin your mattress. Put things in questionable places. Give yourself a yeast infection by letting him pour chocolate syrup on your Lady Bird Johnson.
DO NOT do these things:
- Scream “you smell better than a bucket of KFC” unless you’re talking to an In-N-Out burger
- Shout “put your back into it” unless you’re talking to someone helping you lift a couch up seven flights of stairs
- Call someone “daddy” unless you’re five and the person you’re talking to is actually your father
- Keep saying “oooh oooh oooh” over and over again unless you’re practicing to be an extra in a “Planet of the Apes” reboot
- Take a phone call in the middle of your sexy time
They’ve finally stopped doing the vertical tango, but now it’s too late. No flowery post about my hippie love for all the wonderful things in my life. All you’re left with is this post, and all I’m left with is the kind of memory that will haunt my dreams for years to come.
Today’s challenge is to tell me about a craptastic neighbor you’ve had. Anyone who has ever lived in an apartment (or “flat” for you fancy European bastards) has had one. I want to hear it all.
You know who probably doesn’t suck as a neighbor? Today’s winner! Congrats to Saradraws! E-mail me at Sipsofjenandtonic.com, yo.
Now it’s time for me to get some sleep…if I can.
Sips of Jen and Tonic 
Budlight really is offensive.
The worst.
I once lived in the apartment below a burly, twenty-something security guard who had women in and out of his place on a regular, high-pitched screaming, furniture shaking, headboard cracking plaster (and probably a “first name only”) basis. One night, in what I thought was a gesture of neighborly good will, he instead had a buddy over to watch a Lakers’ game on TV, which left me thinking that I might get the night off from HIS night off from causing the cottage cheese ceiling to crumble late into the night.
WRONG!!!
At halftime, the sounds of the game were muted, and the next sounds I heard were not Chick Hearn and Stu Lantz talking about the first half, but the same “man-on-girl-with-no-last-name” sounds as always… except this wasn’t “… girl-with-no-last-name”. It was “guy”.
Surprise, surprise!!!
Then, before the second half had even started, “guy-with-no-last-name” was down the outside stairs and gone, and my upstairs neighbor watched the second half of the game in silence.
Now I wish I had written a limerick for this one.
HA! At least he kept things interesting??
So I have to ask, when he invited you over the next weekend to watch the Lakers’ game, what did you say?
Craptastic is just the tip of her ethos. Sociopath/psychopath might fit better, lol. Met her over the fence in roughly 1989 – she began crying and I walked from my side of the fence through her gate to give her a hug. REDRUM REDRUM REDRUM… OOOOPSY I meant REDFLAG REDFLAG REDFLAG. This same neighbour became a close bestie in more ways than I knew. Deemed “pigface” by my husband who could never stand her, it appears after I left my long time marriage, he could not only stand her delivering sex, booze and groceries to his door but much more. They collude in abusing me now and everything I ever confided in her about him is treated as though it did NOT happen. IMAGINE. Vile rapist of the worst mental/emotional order. I would rather she just kicked me. Wait. She did do that too. In my own former home and marriage of 32 years. It’s a neighbour story to top all neighbour stories and if I ever get strong enough to get the details all written as they should be, I’m hoping the screenplay will outdo Fatal Attraction at the box office. Any good title suggestions? LOL Twisted Fatal Attraction just doesn’t seem twisted enough to inspire me to write her dirty deeds… such a nasty piece of work she is. Just two weeks before I learned what she did/was doing behind my back, pressing her privates where mine once were, ugh, vomit thought, I DEFENDED her and said (she) would NEVER hurt me like that – she’s TOO RELIGIOUS. Hah. Mass attending spouter of goodness writes to me after she does this “you are of no character value. I would rather be of virtuous character.” God I was hurt. Then I felt so stupid. Now I waffle between hurt and stupid as it was 20 yrs of memories, photos, family met her all flushed instantly. Getting stronger every day, the wronger she is, the stronger I get, lol 🙂 Anyway, that’s my worst craptastic neighbour. The others? Not even worth a mention by comparison. Okay then. Annoying, ignorant assholes who did not even comprehend polite english but grew so angry when you asked to sleep that they deliberately kept you up. (me, lol, but then so did my abusive husband… sheesh off before I go off again, Jen, lol)
You win for “worst neighbor ever” story. Good riddance to both of them, that’s what I say.
LOL Yes Ma’am. ASAP. Just going through the courts now and then bliss, sweet bliss. For you, too, thanks for asking this. Go ahead ask me anything, LOL j/k Much love, Jen, thanks so much xo
Sex-having neighbors: had that in two apartments. But that was nothing compared to living above bartenders. They’d come home at 3:30 in the morning and blast at full volume… Air Supply! And that’s all I’ll say about that Third Floor of Hell.
Blasting Air Supply any time of the day is grounds for eviction.
My most irritating neighbor is my husband. He hides his nasty-a$$ socks in my pillowcase and leaves stinky diapers under my daughter’s bed.
Your husband hides his socks in your pillowcase? That’s hysterical!
My husband’s feet could rival dead fish or a sewage treatment plant in foul odor content. Yes, he’s been trying to get me back for the time I took the in-sole out of his favorite shoes and put it in his pillowcase. He had to find out what it’s like to live with the smell. He found out at 2:30 AM. His shoes sleep outside now.
Ok that picture of the My Little Nightmare will give me just that. Thanksalot.
When I lived in Boston, I lived in this old apartment building built in the 20s. Thin walls, lead paint, the whole deal. Above me was either a female or a male who liked to crossdress, and he/she would get up at 6am everyday and put on heels and stomp around.
We named her/him Stompy McStomp. Still preferable to your creaky moaners….
In my last apartment my neighbor was like that. She wore clogs all the time. Like, wooden clogs. She wasn’t dutch or anything, she just had a wooden clog fetish. She’d wear those things around the house and it sounded like a herd of buffalo stampeding across the plains.
I had a suitemate in college (who we shared a bathroom with) who would leave little presents for us on the toilet seat and in the shower. Things are about to get fucking grody so look away if you get queasy (I’m not even going to say easily because this shit is gross)…
1. Period blood ON THE TOILET SEAT.
2. Period blood ON THE TOILET FLUSHER.
3. Period blood ON THE SHOWER FLOOR.
4. Curly pubes ALL OVER THE SHOWER FLOOR AND WALLS.
Wanna know how I knew the pubes were hers? I asked my then-roommate if she had straight or curly, she said straight.
GOTCHA, BITCH!
Ew. That is seriously gross and bad neighbor behavior!
WHAT?! She left period blood everywhere? I mean, menstruating isn’t the cleanest thing, but was her vagina like a hose?! I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS NONSENSE.
COngrats Sara for winning something spectacular touched by J&T herself! Sweet boobies on christ I am excited.
Someone had to say it. sigh….
Sorry about the noise, by the way.
This will be more valuable than holy water blessed by the pope himself.
by the by, you told me to email you at your website address….um, so …
Thank Jebus I’ve never heard neighbors having sex; I AM a prude and I just couldn’t handle that. In college, though, I did have some downstairs neighbors who fancied themselves DJs and would play trance beats all night long. My roommates and I would bang on the floor and they’d usually turn it down. However, one night they just wouldn’t so we kept banging until we heard a loud crash. Turns out their ceiling fan had become dislodged and fell on their heads. Oops. I guess that makes us the bad neighbors.
That doesn’t make you a bad neighbor. That means that karma is real.
You have the power to knock fans out of ceilings? Good lord, you’re like a superhero or something.
No weird sexually rabid neighbor stories. I did have a wanna-be DJ neighbor whom I started with being annoyed at, but which quickly devolved into pure hatred. Who has a house party on a Wednesday? That guy! The moment it hit 10pm and the nuisance law was on my side, I called the cops. After doing this nearly a dozen times, I complained to his landlords, mentioned the parties and the brawl that ensued following one party break-up and they got kicked out.
You are the first person I’ve heard of who was able to get their neighbor evicted. You need a plaque in the “Bad Neighbor Hall of Fame” or something.
Also, sorry for attending all those raves your neighbor was throwing. He was serving finger sandwiches, and I couldn’t resist.
Yeah, I can be spiteful when I need to be. Hee hee.
In my college apartment, there was a foreign exchange student from Dubai and one day in September he had asked me a question in the lobby, and asked because I was nice and he hardly spoke English. Bad idea! The next day he proposed that he would take me back to Dubai with him to be married because I was so “light and beautiful.” All year, I did everything to avoid him and took on this standoffish-friendliness because I had no idea how to handle things. When he did see me, he would stroke my hair, touch my face, and speak in his native language, It was sooo creepy. Luckily I’ve never had jungle sex neighbors…
That is a whole new level of creepy right there. Don’t get me wrong, you really are a lovely person, but wanting to marry you after a simple exchange like that? YIKES.
Super creepy! I swear I’m a creep magnet…not quite sure why, but I have had multiple people instantly fall in love with me and then go bat-crazy when they learn that the feelings are not mutual. That might make for some good fodder for my blog…
Nothing to off-the-wall here. I had some neighbors who used to complain about the noise coming out of my apartment ALL the time. We weren’t that loud. The apartments just had thin walls. I could hear everything there were doing, too.
Then there was the couple that fought all the time and had the police over for a visit at least weekly. That was fun, too.
I always wonder if domestic disturbances (the non-violent kind I mean) embarrass the people having them? They seem perfectly find airing all their dirty laundry to people they have to see every day.
I doubt it. It seems to me if they were that concerned about it they wouldn’t let it spill outside to where the cops were called in the first place. But what do I know?
Better question is, what DON’T you know?
‘Tis true. That is indeed the question.
If you have seen the movie, “A Christmas Story” – and who hasn’t – their next door neighbor are the Bumpusses and they have a pack of obnoxious dogs. The Bumpusses were based on my next-door neighbors with fewer dogs.
Funny in a movie. Not funny in real life.
It would be tolerable if there was a Chinese takeout nearby
Oh man. My last apartment got a full on flea infestation. We had NO ANIMALS. Turned out, the loud sex having lady upstairs allowed her paramour’s flea infested dog to stay in her apartment (which was against the rules) and gave us fleas. Dude. It was like WEEKS of vacuuming and bug bombing and having the exterminators come out before they realized they bugs were getting into our apartment from upstairs. (I should mention I’m extremely tasty to blood sucking insects and was covered in itchy bites.) The next time I saw her face to face she asked if she could borrow a book from me, because she wanted something to read on the plane to her appearance on Judge Joe Brown. True story.
Wow, that really, really, really sucks. Something similar happened to a friend of mine, only it was her neighbor to the right of her. The woman was hoarding cats, and they all had fleas. It took my friend nearly two months before she was flea-free.
She was on Judge Joe Brown? You had a brush with a TV celebrity!
Yes. Apparently she was suing her ex for bashing up her car? She told me she didn’t care if she won the case or not, because she got a $5000 appearance fee. Then she said “Bitch gots to fix her ride.” I did NOT give her a book. No, no, no.
Until recently I’ve lived next to my ex-step-brother, who is 22 years old. He gets paid on Thursdays, so never fail….party time. Beer pong, loud music, funny smelling cigarettes…all in a studio apartment the size of a short bus. About a year ago he and a group were partying it up sometime in the middle of the week. I banged on the door and ask “you know how to read a clock!” to which he replied “NO”. Talk about seven shades of pissed off. I then proceeded to tell him that “just because the old lady down stairs won’t call the cops on him doesn’t mean I won’t.”
Do these people work? That’s always my question. How can they possibly stay up like that without feeling like death the next day.
He works at the same place I do, and has to be there earlier than me.
Wow they dick around for an hour before they actually get to the dicking around? Just cut to the chase and get in and get out.
I’ve never had offensive sex neighbors but I’m afraid I was one of those people once. Once only. My ex showed up at my front door and it was on when I opened the door. So on, I forgot to shut the front door. I felt sheepish afterwards but I only did that once. I’m sure my crazy duplex neighbor didn’t love that.
YOU LEFT YOUR DOOR OPEN? Ohmigod, please tell me you blogged about that.
No I didn’t. But it doesn’t mean I won’t. Sometimes I forget it happened. But whenever any song from the Kings of Leon album, If Only By the Night comes on, I break out a little smile.
Kings of Leon + Open Door + Blog Post = Something that needs to happen in my lifetime. Basic math, really.
This post is more about the icky and annoying than festive stuff. But I guess it fits. Kinda like some of those Christmas dinners you had to attend as a kid.
I never actually really had annoying neighbours. My worst was when I lived in a ground floor apartment my first year of college and the couple upstairs used to let their kid rollerblade around the apartment. Of course, his floor was my ceiling and the grating noise of scraping along the hardwood floor would last for hours. Once when I asked them about it, saying that sound really travels, they assured me that he only rides on the carpet so I shouldn’t hear anything.
Wow, letting your kid rollerblade through an apartment (carpet or not) is ridiculous. Seeing people on rollerblades outside is annoying enough.
To-ta-lly agree!!
Try moving into a new apartment and while you and your dad are putting together your bed in your room, the neighbors start banging on furniture that is way too loud to be a bed. That one is in my top five most mortifying moments.
Then there was the neighbor who monitored my rent house’s grass length, but I don’t want to get into that.
ACK! That’s worse than a sex scene coming on during a movie. The grass length thing is just strange. My grandparents live next to a guy who cuts his lawn with scissors, and measures it with a ruler to make sure it’s even.
People are enigmas. But that doesn’t mean I need to hear them banging.
#1 – you are fricking hilarious.
When I lived in the UES in Ny, we lived in a atrium style apartment with PAPER THIN walls – I could hear thoughts.
THe neighbor next to me was a drug dealer who got evicted because he got busted selling ecstasy on craigslist.
The girls above me used to come home wasted and play Bon Jovi on Guitar Hero at 4 in the morning.
And the girl below me….well, she made the most disturbing sex sounds I’ve ever heard. So weird, and loud, that people called the cops a couple times because they thought she was getting murdered – myself included. Like, full on screaming/snuff shit.
I had to move.
People sell ecstasy on Craigslist? Man, if I had only known that last Saturday…
I don’t understand screaming during sex, that seems like overkill. Screaming while you’re eating a cake, that’s a different story.
Well, they do, then they get arrested – so, get ’em while they’re hot!
“I want your cake inside me!!!”
That’s it. I’m making a porn called “GET IN MY BELLY!”
Join in! Thumpt eh ceiling in rhythm with them!
Order them a pizza for afterwards!
(As a bonus, have them deliver a few minutes before the finale.)
(hehehe)
Haha! Great idea!
That would great! lol
You’re right! I should have sent a pizza with a gorilla throwing dice drawn on the box top.
FOR THE WIN!
Yes, my girl, yes!
Oh, you sly devil! Good one.
We used to live in a neighborhood that was less like Norman Rockwell and more like a step above bars over the windows. It was fun. Once the house on the end of the block caught fire, and half the neighborhood went over to watch. Not, like, call the fire department or anything, just say “fire, fire” etc. Once I had to ask a guy next door to quit setting off firecrackers in his front lawn because I was trying to put my child down for a nap. Stray children roamed the street – I’m talking toddlers at times. Oh, and the neighbors across the street were routinely picked up for drug violations. Fun times. We’ve lived in our new house four years and wow was I sad when we had to leave the old neighborhood. No I wasn’t.
Oh man, I used to live in a TERRIBLE apartment complex. As in, I can’t believe I didn’t get mugged or robbed when I lived there. Once, a car caught fire and everyone just stood around while it became increasingly engulfed in flames.
We had a couple living behind us in a ‘house’ that my landlord built in our backyard. The guy was about 50 lbs and his wife was 500 lbs – she used to beat the living CRAP out of him on a regular basis. Occassionally, he’d come to our back door, drunk on cheap beer and start rambling. They were an improvement over the stripper junkie that occupied it previously. After those three magical neighbors, we told the landlord that we’d be contacting the city to let them know there was a non-zoned house in our yard if he rented the place again….so the crazy landlord (who would periodically come over to ask if we had anything for his ‘roids) lived there… ah – it’s good to live right by the university!
Your landlord would ask you if you had ‘roid medication? What happened to asking to borrow a cup of sugar?
He was a weird weird man – and neither of us had any ‘roid meds for him…yet he’d come ask anyway. Luckily the $200/month rent for a house 2 blocks from the university was compensation for living near him and his freakish renters.
For $200/month I’d deal with it too.
It was comical on most days
That lady may, or may not, have been my sister and her first husband. You should have given him some IcyHot for his ‘roids. That would have been ah-may-zing.
Shoot – I need a time machine to get me back to 1990
Don’t we all, Rutabaga. Don’t we all.
Okay here goes…setting: college apartment. We stayed overnight the first night and the next morning, I was greeted with a visit from the downstairs neighbor, his first words being “The noise must cease” and our relationship proceeded down hill from there. He wanted to work out a walking schedule, meaning times that would be acceptable for me to walk in my apartment. He filed injunctions with the city, called the police on us and contacted the dean of our university to state that we had scraped a racial and homophobic epitaph on his car. The best part is, he was really loud. We could hear his phone conversations. The one that stands out was his plan to have his father come to our door in his police uniform to threaten us. He was later evicted for not paying his rent so I guess in a sense the noise did cease.
He wanted to work out a walking schedule?! You should have told him you wanted to work out a dick punching schedule.
wha…..?
Why are there so many crazy-in-a-bad-way people? A walking schedule? I’ll WALK YOUR SCHEDULE, MISTER.
Hahaha, thank god they’re done. You make my mornings bright.
Oh, hippity dippity.
The neighbors above me in my old apartment also had this sex, except I swear that the guy actually yelled things like, “Yahoo!!!!!” and “Weeeeyaaa!!” when they did it. Terrible. I wondered if it was ever the same woman, but I was never able to tell because he yelled too loudly. I don’t miss that.
I bet she wasn’t yelling Weeeyaaa! nearly as much as he was.
She SURE wasn’t.
It sounds like your previous neighbor watched one too many Westerns…