Party On

28 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 28

Topic: Rocking a party until the early light

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I was a pretty big partier back in the day. I used to enjoy frequenting soirees so crowded that you couldn’t tell where  your body parts ended, and someone else’s began. Going to a bar and destroying my liver by consuming every alcohol the establishment stocked was a weekly habit for me. I’d stay up until the sun began poking its head out, take a power nap, and then go work a full day. (Fun Jen fact: I’ve never been hungover)

Every good partier knows that you need an arsenal of supplies to make it through the night. Some people choose to carry condoms because they’re looking to score. Others choose to keep snacks on hand to avoid the dreaded dip in blood sugar. I chose to carry a more colorful array of items.

Deodorant. I don’t know where I read this (most likely Ladies Home Journal or Highlights since those were the only two publications I was reading at the time) but a magazine claimed putting deodorant on your face would prevent perspiration. As a person who sweats simply at the thought of sweating, I was excited about this. I’d be able to dance without the fear of the strobe light hitting my face, and causing onlookers to wonder if I had just finished running a marathon. Not only did it not prevent me from sweating, but it broke me out, and people kept asking me why I smelled like an armpit.

Credit: Martin Spurny

Perfume. Exclamation, Jean Nate and Jovan Musk were my signature scents back in the day. Each one represented a different mood, and I’d spray them liberally before (and during) a night out. I’d walk confidently, sure I was leaving a trail of broken hearts behind me as I coolly passed every man in the room. What I didn’t realize was that the only trail I was leaving behind was the smell of what one could only assume was a prostitute from the 80’s.

Hand Sanitizer. Drunk people have no boundaries, and do things they wouldn’t do sober. You pee on the sidewalk of a very busy street in San Francisco. You vomit in a stranger’s boot. You hug and touch questionable people you barely know. It’s times like this that hand sanitizer is useful because the only thing you want to catch after a night of intense drinking is a case of The Regrets.

Me: The Earlier Years

Swiss Army knife. My favorite television shows include “48 Hours Mystery”, “American Justice” and “Unsolved Mysteries”. Not only am I hyper aware of the real danger lurking around on the mean streets of Anytown USA, but I’m also paranoid by nature. I always keep one hand in my pocket, firmly gripping the knife, and am ready to cut a bitch if needed. Granted, if the predator pulled out a gun, took the knife away from me, or doused me with pepper spray I’d be screwed, but the false sense of security is nice.

Oh, good. I can open the world’s smallest bottle of wine.

It’s no wonder I never get invited to parties anymore.

What do you carry for a night out?

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Thanks to my brother from another mother, MrMary from A Spoonful of Suga, for suggesting this topic.

NaNoWriNO Day 27

NaNoWriNO Day 28

73 Responses to “Party On”

  1. Stacie Chadwick 11/28/2012 at 8:04 pm #

    My candy cane shiv.

    Another amazing post J&T.
    xoxo

  2. Brother Jon 11/28/2012 at 5:46 pm #

    Never had a hangover? Good grief! I’ve been sober for over 450 days and I STILL feel hungover most mornings.

    I always was a tunnel vision type of guy. Running out of smokes would have been the death of me, so I always had an extra pack….or three. Towards the end of my drinking career they had invented AX body spray. It seemed to work for me though. All the old ladies at the VFW were always like “Oh, you smell so good.” And you know what? I did. Like Le Clown I don’t miss those days, but at least I have tons of material….if I ever need it.

  3. vyvacious 11/28/2012 at 3:38 pm #

    If there’s food in the area, I have to bring my Epi Pen which pisses me off because I have to find a clutch big enough to contain it. Otherwise, I bring as little as possible (this also pertains to clothing). If there’s dancing involved (which I LOVE), I wear something that has front pockets if acceptable and shove my phone, ID, and one credit card in there so I can dance the night away without being hindered. And drinks? I don’t carry drinks. I chug them and then get back to enticing all the boys with my come-hither dance moves. Hell yeah.

  4. speaker7 11/28/2012 at 3:19 pm #

    Oh my murder-suicide, I am also a fan of 48 hours mystery. I get excited when they run marathons on TLC. My crush went up another notch. Well, the deodorant on the face helped a little.

  5. becca3416 11/28/2012 at 1:14 pm #

    My WordPress app. It’s sad. I’ve even been known to share my nights out and my drinks with all of Twitter.

  6. iRuniBreathe 11/28/2012 at 1:02 pm #

    Now, if on the off-chance the stars align and I am allowed to venture out past 7pm, I bring my car keys. You never know when you need to get the hell out of Dodge under your own speed.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 2:29 pm #

      I like that you take your life into your own hands. I’ll remember to stay close to you so when I rob a bank or steal someone’s wallet, a quick getaway is possible.

      • iRuniBreathe 11/28/2012 at 3:48 pm #

        I’m handy that way. Always prepared with a get-away.

  7. A Single Parent's Life 11/28/2012 at 12:31 pm #

    I have my money,phone,keys and of course my I.D when I go out. that’s it. I don’t want the hassle of keeping up with a purse and all that. everything slips right into my pockets and I am good for the night. Oh some gum or breath mints.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 2:28 pm #

      YES! Gum and breath mints. Your breath smells wickedly bad after drinking.

  8. Bill Friday 11/28/2012 at 12:04 pm #

    Okay, one… sweaty mom boobs. Mmmm!

    (c’mon… you were all thinking it!!!)

    Anyway,

    Self-medication aside (long story), I haven’t been in a position to party like it’s 1999 since… 1982. That being the case, I HAVE had many years of reflection on the subject of what I MIGHT DO when faced with the possibility of partying (with someone as party-gifted as, say… La Tonica). These are the results of my couch meditations.

    >Cash (untraceable).
    >Duct Tape (the ULTIMATE all-purpose fastener… trust me).
    >Zip Ties (in case you lose your hand cuffs… also see Duct Tape, above).
    >An actual ’80s Prostitute (why bring the essence when you can bring the real thing).
    >Plastic Flask (to counter the bad booze scenario, AND to avoid detection during TSA screenings).
    >Comfortable shoes (that’s obvious, isn’t it?).

    And my…

    >Passport (because you never know when you’re going to end up in Canada).

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 2:27 pm #

      I always knew you were a serial killer.

      • Bill Friday 11/28/2012 at 3:54 pm #

        What was it about sweaty mom boobs that made you think THAT?!!

  9. El Guapo 11/28/2012 at 11:49 am #

    I’d go out with a full pack of cigarettes, a wad of cash, and bus fare home in a separate pocket.
    Because I’d drink away all the other money.
    Oh,and a memorized map of the place so I knew where the bathroom was.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 2:27 pm #

      Knowing where the bathroom is is actually really important. Otherwise you end up peeing in what you think is the bathroom, but is really someone’s purse.

  10. UndercoverL 11/28/2012 at 11:34 am #

    It must be something about girls born in 1981. I, also, wore ‘Exclamation!’. I asked for it for Christmas 21 years ago and wore it until I had my first “real” boyfriend (20 years ago). I, too, was certain I was leaving broken hearts in my perfumed wake. Now I realize that I was leaving the impression that I would blow you for a twenty. Who’s broken-hearted now?

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 2:26 pm #

      It was THE hot perfume. You’d see it at the drugstore, and it would be calling your name. It just smelled so sexy and desirable at the time. They actually still sell it! I think I may get myself a bottle today.

  11. Lyssapants 11/28/2012 at 11:27 am #

    There was this one time we were on a beach and I was about 4 or 5 sheets to the wind. I picked up what looked to be a very interesting handbag only to be told that it was a dead seagull. I really could have used the hand sanitizer right about then.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 2:25 pm #

      Did the seagull end up making a good purse?

      • Lyssapants 11/28/2012 at 2:28 pm #

        It leaked nondescript fluid and smelled like rotting giblets.
        Survey says: no.

  12. Maggie O'C 11/28/2012 at 10:35 am #

    No Enjoli?! No Charlie?!
    Wow, I don’t miss going out.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 2:25 pm #

      I wanted to wear Charlie so badly, but didn’t think I was sophisticated enough to pull it off.

      • Maggie O'C 11/28/2012 at 2:26 pm #

        well, yeah. The few, the proud, the charlie wearers

  13. GiggsMcGill Jill 11/28/2012 at 10:26 am #

    I actually always wondered about anti-perspirant on the face (as I too am a sweat-at-the-thought-of-sweating gal). Now I’m glad I didn’t. Thanks for being an example for the world!

    Nights out: like saradraws, I used to only take ID and money tucked into my bra. But now I’ve realized that I’m somehow actually super responsible with my belongings while drunk, and never lose anything! So purse it is. (The one time I lost a camera while partying, I was sober. That’ll teach me to party sober!)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 2:25 pm #

      SWEATY GIRLS UNITE! I feel like I’ve found my soulmate in you. We can share our absorbent clothing together.

      I hate when I lose things sober. Nothing to blame it on.

      • GiggsMcGill Jill 11/28/2012 at 7:15 pm #

        YOU HAVE ABSORBENT CLOTHING??? Omg, MUST HAVE! I’m sure you too always choose outfits very carefully. Which shirts show sweat – what’s the weather going to be like today – is this going to be a sweater over the shirt kind of day.

  14. daniheart21 11/28/2012 at 9:20 am #

    I don’t do loud music, loud people, and crowds. Not my thing, anymore. I prefer more intimate kinds of parties. I can’t believe the deodorant bit. LOL That said I have been to a few when I was young and clueless. Purses are a nightmare at a club so I usually tried to just have my id and money. No debit cards back then and no cell phones either, come to think of it…I don’t recall those little personal hand sanitize-rs either. How did we ever manage …I know. LOL I can say that I never passed out anywhere but home (thank goodness). Oh and hangovers suck!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 2:23 pm #

      Purses are TERRIBLE to bring to a club. You just end up holding it all night, and are the weirdo on the dance floor raising your purse in the air, and waving it like you just don’t care.

      And yes, I’m very lucky I don’t get hangovers. I’ve heard they’re terrible.

  15. Sandee 11/28/2012 at 8:09 am #

    Deodorant on the face! — Oh God thank you for that one Jen! Bahahahahaaa!!!! I’m still laughing.

    Generally this post had me cracking up, and brought back some sour memories at the same time.

    I can recall — oh wait no I can’t — my friends had to tell me of the time I hugged the toilet bowl at the club, passed out with one boot strewn clear across the room. Good times… Oh and yes, it was the eighties 😦

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 2:23 pm #

      Sounds like how I spent many Friday nights in my early 20’s *shudder*

  16. Bruce Ruston 11/28/2012 at 7:48 am #

    Ha last time I went out I went the other way and decided to take the least amount of things and switch my phone for a very cheap one- lost one once in a taxi I think. So it would be just clothe on my back and cash for me 🙂

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 2:21 pm #

      That’s brilliant! You also should have taken pictures of your penis beforehand just to give the finder some sort of prize.

  17. Adrienne schmadrienne 11/28/2012 at 6:59 am #

    I usually try to keep it simple because I am so forgetful and will leave my shit in random places. I take my bankcard (although I like to oopsy “forget” it so the Masshole has to pay from time to time), ID and phone.
    Sorry you used to smell like an 80’s prostitute. That’s not good. But most things in the 80’s weren’t good when it came to fashion, accessories and makeup.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 2:21 pm #

      They really weren’t, but I probably shouldn’t have tried to pull it off in the late 90’s.

  18. twindaddy 11/28/2012 at 6:56 am #

    It appears to me that instead of putting the deodorant/antipersperant on your face, you should’ve put it on your crotch. You seem to sweat profusely there judging by that picture. 🙂

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 2:20 pm #

      Oh, right. Sweat….uh….yeah. That’s what it was!

  19. badfads 11/28/2012 at 6:56 am #

    What I bring depends on where I’m going. For example, if I’m going to anything involving my older brother, I’m bringing my best sarcasm and some cough drops, because karaoke will probably happen at some point. If I’m going to the world’s worst karaoke bar with my former friend Crazy Hell Bitch Bridezilla, I’m bringing earplugs, hand sanitizer, and a flask of Jameson (since the shitty bar either runs out of good booze or doesn’t have it to begin with). If I’m going partying in downtown Chicago, I’m bringing my friend M, who will talk sense into me if I do anything stupid.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 2:20 pm #

      Wow, I like that you plan ahead. My plans consist of, “Do I have enough money to buy drinks and where will I sleep tonight?” Maybe that’s why most nights I end up in the backseat of a friend’s minivan sleeping off my mistakes.

  20. saradraws 11/28/2012 at 6:51 am #

    HAHAHAHA! I have no nights out, but if I did, my mom purse has toddler underpants, a juice box, three chapsticks, 32 old, crumpled receipts, some suspect peanuts that smell off, hand sanitizer, a few pens, and an empty plastic bag. If I’m really together, my sunglasses, keys, and wallet are in there too.
    Back in my hip and young days when the general public gave a damn about me and vice versa, I would try to leave the house with only a bank card, my ID, chapstick, and keys. Purses get lost when I get drunk.
    I have never put anti-persperant on my face, but I wonder if it would work for under my mom boobs?
    Thank you for sharing these intimate details with us. And I resent you a little for never having a hangover.

    • Dani Heart 11/28/2012 at 9:06 am #

      I’m with you Sara regarding the hangover.. that’s just not right. Tip for not sweaty mom boobs: take a pair of dress socks, athletic socks are too thick, and cut them in half one by one right from the tip of the heel to the other side. Then take the two parts of the socks that aren’t the foot part, toss the foot part in the trash or make a dog toy, and fold in half so they are long, then simply put underneath your mom boobs and wear bra like normal. After sweat is collected simply toss in the wash and repeat. 🙂

      • saradraws 11/28/2012 at 9:14 am #

        GENIUS. I have cloth diaper liners that might work well too. God, the life of a mom is so glamourous.

      • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 2:18 pm #

        You are a genius. I get sweaty underboob even though I’m not a mom. I get sweaty everything.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 2:17 pm #

      YOU are the exact person I want to party with. If you think about it, moms with small children are the perfect party companion. They bring a friggin duffle bag full of stuff everywhere they go. Need a snack? Got it. Need tissue? Got it. Need condoms? GOT IT.

      • saradraws 11/28/2012 at 2:40 pm #

        Heavy on the condoms. NO BABIES ANYMORE.

  21. aliceatwonderland 11/28/2012 at 6:49 am #

    I had Exclamation too. Punctuation marks make the best perfumes. What do I carry on an night out? I’ll tell you what I don’t carry. Children.

    • GiggsMcGill Jill 11/28/2012 at 10:22 am #

      HAHA! Good thing you don’t carry those – talk about a party drag!

      • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 2:12 pm #

        Totally a party foul. “Will the owner of the toddler please come to the front of the party?”

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 2:13 pm #

      Why didn’t they also make PERIOD and HYPHEN and SEMICOLON

  22. Le Clown 11/28/2012 at 6:41 am #

    Jen,
    I have great respect for you, especially now that you have publicly admitted ever wearing Exclamation. Like you, I used to be one to leave parties when the first light of the new day would appear, with a little help. I do not miss these days. Somehow, your post made me think of Bright Eyes’ Lua… if only that song was funny.
    Le Clown

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 2:12 pm #

      I cannot believe I admitted it. I blame sleep deprivation.

  23. La La 11/28/2012 at 6:17 am #

    I like this topic. Personally, I bring underwear, hand sanitizer (duh), a bottle of water and a drunk snack just in case.

    • calahan 11/28/2012 at 10:39 am #

      Wait. You bring extra underwear?

      • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 2:10 pm #

        Because she poops her pants after a long night of drinking.

        • calahan 11/28/2012 at 3:14 pm #

          Sounds like there’s an underlying problem that needs to be addressed.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 2:11 pm #

      See? A drunk snack is so important. Otherwise you end up at Taco Bell, or crying while looking into your fridge.

  24. jiltaroo 11/28/2012 at 6:13 am #

    Handbag schmandbag…in QLD I used to go to B & S balls most weekend. These were held in various towns usually approx 100km or more away. We would take our swags and crash in the back of our utes…or someone elses. Ahhh those were the times! Jen

    • saradraws 11/28/2012 at 6:52 am #

      When you speak Australian, I get confused.

      • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 2:10 pm #

        All I heard was, “PUT A SHRIMP ON THE BARBIE!”

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 2:10 pm #

      If I slept in a car now, I’d wake up and not be able to move for hours.

  25. Garry Crystal 11/28/2012 at 6:08 am #

    “What do you carry for a night out?”

    A sense of the impending regret that I know will come a knock knock knocking through tomorrow’s hangover.

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