Dickorating

NaNoWriNO Day 13

Topic: Manscaping

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I’m not going to lie, I wasn’t that excited about picking this topic. I’m at a huge disadvantage as I only get to see a penis once every blue moon, and that’s only after trolling Craigslist for desperate men who say they’ll show me a good time if I provide Zimas and the smooth sounds of Chicago.

Zima: the choice of internet virgins everywhere

Luckily, manscaping encompasses so much more than a man’s Zipper Ripper. They grow hair out of every orifice (don’t think I haven’t looked when you bend over naked!) so there is actually a ton of material to work with here.

The Dos

Ear Hair. If your ears look like planter boxes growing lemongrass, it’s time to take a trimmer to them. Unless you’re attempting to create an organic sound barrier, or mimic a cartoon character who has just lost his temper, remove the terrarium growing in your ear canal.

Nose Hair. A good rule of thumb is that you should trim it as soon as it looks like you’re birthing a spider out of your nostril. There has never been a time in my life when I’ve thought, “You know what would be sexy? If I could feel his nose hair on my upper lip as we made out.”

Unless you’re looking to reach the “someone’s grandma” demographic in the bedroom, cut your creepy crawlies

Happy trail. Hair running from the belly button down to your Land of Magical Humps is expected, but when your happy trail turns into a happy forest, it’s time to do a little maintenance. I’m not asking you to wax it until it looks like a Zamboni ran over your stomach, but simply to prevent your hair from ganging up on your belly button.

The Don’ts

Unibrow. As someone whose eyebrows would grow into her hairline if she let them, I understand that you may have been dealt a bad hand in the hair-above-the-eye department. It’s not fair, and it’s a pain in the ass. My entire face can grow a five o’clock shadow so believe me when I say I understand where you’re coming from. Still, you have a responsibility to keep Capulet and Montague apart.

Penazzling. Remember when that maneater Jennifer Love Hewitt went on television and said she was vajazzling, and the whole world went crazy? Well, this trend is now available for men who feel their nether regions are super boring! Let me break it down for you: disco balls in nightclubs are acceptable, disco balls in your pants are not.

For guys with girlfriends who need even MORE to concentrate on during fellatio

Heavy-handed grooming. There are three things in life which are acceptable when bald: a head, a tire and an eagle. See how “penis” is missing from this list? There’s this myth going around that if you take all of the hair away, your partner will be fooled into thinking your Donald Pump is bigger than it actually is. A magnifying glass will give you that same effect, and won’t make you look like a 9-year-old boy.

This is all a bit hypocritical considering I haven’t shaved my legs in two weeks, but it’s cold outside, and I need to build up my winter coat. Please also keep in mind that these dos and don’ts won’t encompass every woman’s desires. Some will love rubbing up against a guy who reminds her of Wolverine, and others will want you to wax your butthole. Different strokes.

I think the key is to use common sense. If you feel like your ears are chilly and could use a blanket, let your ear weeds grow a bit. If you don’t like the idea of eyebrow upkeep, shave down the center and tell people you’re going for a Eugene Levy look. Just remember that it is never acceptable, no matter how good of an idea you think it is at the time, to penazzle.

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Thanks to John from SocietyRed for suggesting this topic. I hope it helps him be a better garden architect for his personal landscape.

NaNoWriNO Day 12

NaNoWriNO Day 14

Tags: donald pump, dos and don't of manscaping, ear hair, happy trail, humor, Land of Magical Humps, manscaping, penazzling, unibrow, your hairshake brings all the girls to the yard, zipper ripper