Clothes Encounter Of The Bad Kind

12 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 12

Subject: Bad fashions


I don’t know that it’s entirely fair for me to be writing about others’ poor fashion choices. Don’t get me wrong, I love sitting on my high horse up here on Mount Critical, but am I qualified to be giving out advice on what people should or shouldn’t be wearing? My daily uniform consists of Converse shoes, jeans and a hooded sweatshirt. I look like I shop in the lost and found box at an all-boys high school.

Still, my brain sometimes tells me stuff like, “Hey, this is probably going to make your eyes bleed if you stare at it for too long at it.” This typically happens with the sun, or when looking at Donatella Versace’s tan. Once every couple of years, a fashion trend comes along that makes my soul bleed.

Skinny Jeans

They need to rename these “You’ll Look Anything But Skinny Jeans” because that’s exactly what they are. How the fashion world convinced women that it’s cool to make their asses look flatter, and hips look wider is beyond me. Not only have women purchased skinny jeans in droves, but now men are embracing the testicle-suffocating pants as well. Look, if your balls want a hug, just ask. You know what would be helpful? If designers created jeans that actually made us look skinny.

Nothing is sexier than highlighting all of your flaws in overpriced pants

Gladiator Sandals

Gladiator sandals are the skinny jeans of footwear. With all of the open toed options out there, I’m not sure why anyone would pick this shoe. I always imagine a woman saying, “I’ve worked really hard to get my legs into shape, and now I’d like to make them look as stumpy as possible. If only there were a shoe that gave me cankles…” Unless you’re about to slay lions in a Roman Colosseum, please just put on a pair of flip flops.

Russell Crowe in “Gladiator” or misguided fashionista?

Butts as billboards

I blame Juicy Couture for this hot mess. They slapped words across the butts of overpriced sweatpants, and celebrities and desperate housewives everywhere went bananas. Finally, a way to look expensive and lazy at the same time! Pretty soon every manufacturer was coming out with pants that had “Cutie” “Sexy” or “Sweet” emblazoned across their backsides. I saw a post-menopausal woman with the word “Tasty” on her sweatpants, and it looked like the word was melting as time had been unkind to her derriere. If you want to advertise something, take out an ad in your local newspaper.

New pants from the Spring 2013 Juicy Couture collection

Harem Pants

There are only three reasons you’d wear these fugtastic pants: (1) You were MC Hammer in a previous lifetime or (2) You lost a bet or (3) Your boyfriend has a serious genie fetish. If none of these things applies to you, then there is NO REASON to wear them. Ever. Did someone offer you a pair when you ran out of your home in nothing but your underwear after a fire alarm went off? You look them dead in the eye and say, “I may have lost my garage in the blaze, but I didn’t lose my pride.”

Because guys love it when a woman has a 2-foot-long crotch


It’s…I can’t even…just…NO.

Even the crocodile wants to eradicate this foot malady

There were definitely other contenders which almost made the list: ponchos, high-waisted shorts, shoulder pads, leggings worn as pants, and anything Ed Hardy. Then I looked in my closet, and found another ten or so that could have been added.

Which fashion trends are on your no-no lists?


Thanks to Bad Fads for encouraging me to write about this topic. Definitely check out her blog as this is really her area of expertise.

NaNoWriNO Day 11

NaNoWriNO Day 13

109 Responses to “Clothes Encounter Of The Bad Kind”

  1. Viciously Sweet 11/12/2012 at 2:57 pm #

    As I was reading your list of hated clothes I realized we are like brain twins. Those are the clothes I have big problems with too! Also if we can add them to the list those t-shirts that look used from Urban Outfitters. I can use my own shirt like a boss.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 2:21 pm #

      Preach it! The thing that kills me about the destroyed look is that it’s more expensive. I keep wanting to tell people, “There is a goodwill down the street. I know for a fact they sell jeans with holes in them for, like, 5 bucks.”

      • Viciously Sweet 11/13/2012 at 2:30 pm #

        Yeah! Also they have a plethora of “vintage” members only jackets… why are people buying those things new again?!!?!?!?

        • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 2:55 pm #

          I think you and I need to buy cheap stuff from Goodwill and then sell it in an overpriced boutique to hipsters.

  2. Paul M Chapman 11/12/2012 at 1:46 pm #

    Wait- so my harem pants and gladiator sandals combo is an issue now? Wish you’d said before you wrote this :/

    • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 2:19 pm #

      If your life dream is to be a genie who fights animals to the death while people watch, I think you can work the look!

  3. UndercoverL 11/12/2012 at 1:24 pm #

    Oh, Jen… It’s good to be back to reading your zaniness! I missed it while in hiding. (Btw, I am back and incognito.)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 2:19 pm #

      I’m glad to have you back, even if you’re doing it from behind a curtain 😉

      • UndercoverL 11/13/2012 at 3:59 pm #

        I prefer the term “cloak” as in “cloak and dagger.” Mostly because of the dangers implied by the suggestion that I wield a dagger. That makes me mysterious and dangerous. 😉

  4. Lyssapants 11/12/2012 at 1:03 pm #

    Uggs with skirts. Uggs is short for ugly.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 2:18 pm #

      You MUST live in California. When I lived there, people loved walking around like they were confused about what season it was.

      • Lyssapants 11/13/2012 at 5:11 pm #

        Did you live in Northern or Southern?

  5. badfads 11/12/2012 at 1:01 pm #

    The only truly abhorrent trend I think you missed is the jumpsuit. I HATE jumpsuits. I see more and more of them in otherwise normal stores and it makes me sad.

    Also, skinny jeans are contributing to a higher rate of bladder infections and yeast infections. DNW.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 2:17 pm #

      How could I forget the jumpsuit? Seriously, it was everywhere last summer, and now it has continued into this year with the shorts now being pants. Are people really too lazy to buy two pieces?

  6. cestlavie22 11/12/2012 at 1:00 pm #

    I love this post! Aside from the skinny jeans I agree with you on every one. I am a really tiny girl so for me skinny jeans highlights the subtle assets I do have where as all other jeans are too bulky and cant find my tiny little curves. I have to say though for me the crocs was the most baffling. People would walk around with those on in all sorts of neon colors and I really just wonder if they actually knew what they looked like. I dont care how comfortable they are- JUST SAY NO!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 2:16 pm #

      If you are the 1% of Americans (cue Occupy Wall Street music!) who can pull these off, then go for it. I really take issue with the 99% who are trying to wear them. I know I couldn’t. *shudder*

  7. Daan van den Bergh 11/12/2012 at 11:49 am #

    I dare you to make a picture of yourself wearing a combo of EVERYTHING you mentioned in your post.

    So that’s crocs OVER gladiator sandles and skinny jeans OVER harem pants (because the other way around would be to easy).

    Looking forward to your next post! 😛

    Oh, and I’m digging your style: my daily outfit consists of sneakers, jeans and hoodies. 🙂 I personally think it’s an AWESOME-only style. Agreed?

    • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 2:14 pm #

      That dare makes me wish I did own everything in the list! A trip to the thrift shop might be in order. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve done a photo shoot in their dressing room.

      And yes! Hoodies, jeans and sneakers UNITE!

  8. Kelly 11/12/2012 at 10:56 am #

    Oh man… harem pants. I kind of all of a sudden want some. And I want balls, too. because if I had some balls and some harem pants I can only imagine the good times.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 2:12 pm #

      When you think about, harem pants are kind of the perfect pant. It pretty much camouflages weight gain, a pregnancy, period bloat, drugs you’re smuggling into the country, or your new testicles.

      • Kelly 11/13/2012 at 2:16 pm #

        I can’t STOP thinking about them.

  9. calahan 11/12/2012 at 10:35 am #

    Agree with all of these, especially Skinny Jeans. That said, the picture reminds me how much I find jeans and stiletto heels to be so blah. It’s like a guy wearing a nice pair of black and white spectators with a shitty pair of Dockers.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 2:10 pm #

      You make a good point. Stilettos are the “fancy bitch” of the heel kingdom. You must honor her properly or incur the wrath of Calahan.

      • calahan 11/13/2012 at 2:46 pm #

        I have wrath to spare.

  10. becca3416 11/12/2012 at 10:26 am #

    Fucking hilarious post! I have ALWAYS wondered why the hell anyone would wear skinny jeans. The only way they look half way decent is if you wear them with boots. That’s it, and even that is pushing it. You would have to have the right body as well.

    I would agree with you on the harem pants as well, but I wear men’s long johns. I have no room to talk about 2 foot long crotches.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 2:08 pm #

      Yeah, you do need skinny jeans to wear boots so you don’t get that weird bunch thing at the knee. Do you JUST wear long johns, or do you wear something over them? How did you get them added to the work dress code?

      • becca3416 11/13/2012 at 2:19 pm #

        I only wear them outside of the office, but I am working on a dress code addendum.

        • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 2:57 pm #

          Let me know how it works out. I’ve got a big tradeshow coming up.

  11. MissFourEyes 11/12/2012 at 9:06 am #

    I’ve been teaching this to my niece “Say no to Crocs!”

    • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 2:07 pm #

      Little kids love crocs! My nephew has one pair that he wears all the time. I should have taken preventative measures like you did.

  12. isawbobdylaninaspeedo 11/12/2012 at 8:58 am #

    omgosh!! I hate crocs with so much passion. I mean I shouldn’t really. Its just an ugly shoe. But they are everywhere in Colorado. They make them here. I defy ever wearing them. I don’t care if they start deporting people who won’t wear them. I will swim to China. Anyhoo…and GLADIATOR sandals???? Mo power to you girl. Even if certain things are on Sex and the City, (which these may or may not have been, they should not be in the real world ladies.) Good call on all this shiz Jen!!

  13. Dani Heart 11/12/2012 at 8:57 am #

    Jen, you have crushed me! I am shot through the heart… 😦 How could you put my beloved Crocs on your NO list. I agree with the rest of the list though. I would also like to add low rise jeans and pants… unless you are a stick figure…no one looks good in them. it is so difficult these days to find not only jeans but work pants with a normal waistline. I also agree with Katy regarding the (fuck me pumps) as I call them. Fun post

    • Bill Friday 11/13/2012 at 10:13 am #

      (non-story-related micro comment)

      Dani Heart said “fuck”? The world is coming to an end.

      • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 2:42 pm #

        First TJ, now Dani. I blame myself. And you.

        • Bill Friday 11/13/2012 at 2:50 pm #

          I can shoulder all the blame. My shoulders are big enough… plus, they enhance my sexy curves.

          • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 2:59 pm #

            Oh, so now I’ve got tiny shoulders? I’ve done P90X 5 times in the last 7 years. How dare you!

          • Dani Heart 11/13/2012 at 4:10 pm #

            You are sexy Bill. 😉

      • Dani Heart 11/13/2012 at 4:17 pm #


    • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 2:06 pm #

      My poor Dani, you know I support your right to wear Crocs! I promise that if we hung out I’d let you wear them in front of me without fear of persecution.

      Also, I’m with Bill. You said “fuck” and my whole world turned upside down!

      • Bill Friday 11/13/2012 at 3:21 pm #

        Yeah, that was like a unicorn pooping… poop… instead of rainbows.

      • Dani Heart 11/13/2012 at 4:14 pm #

        I cuss … I really do…. like a sailor (at home anyway). I even cussed in one of my articles. Sometimes…and you must admit this is true? it is the most fitting word. I mean it can be a verb, adjective, noun, all bases covered sort of word. 😉

        • Dani Heart 11/13/2012 at 4:15 pm #

          Sorry guys…did not mean to disappoint. sighs… anyway… Jen I will take you up on that (no fear of persecution) and one day, we will undoubtedly hang out. 🙂

  14. La La 11/12/2012 at 7:46 am #

    Seriously, trying to take off skinny jeans after a night out is probably one of the funniest things I hope no one ever has to watch me do.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 2:04 pm #

      Especially after you’ve been drinking. Forget it.

  15. Christopher De Voss 11/12/2012 at 7:20 am #

    I wish I could find some word pants with the word, BUTT on them.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 2:03 pm #

      You can make your own pair on Zazzle or CafePress. I say do it. Your butt needs to be highlighted.

  16. Madame Weebles 11/12/2012 at 7:09 am #

    “Look, if your balls want a hug, just ask.” This made my day.

    All of the fashion crimes you cited should be grounds for death, but for me the most grievous of all sartorial sins is still low-rider jeans. Especially when they started getting low enough that you could practically see vaginal cleavage. Not cool.

    • Sandee 11/12/2012 at 7:42 am #

      ‘Vaginal cleavage’ — ahahaha! Thanks for this Mme. W — I’d like to use this phrase sometime if you don’t mind — citing you as the source of course.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 2:03 pm #

      I used to sit behind a GUY at work who loved low-rider jeans. Through the day they’d shift down, and I’d see little tufts of butt hair poking out.

  17. Sandee 11/12/2012 at 7:09 am #

    Hehehehe! Fashion trends on my ‘no-no’ list — I’m generally oblivious to fashion. But being 100 years old, I think I should stay away from thigh high boots :D.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 2:02 pm #

      There is something very dominatrix about thigh high boots. I’ve seen a couple of people who pulled it off, but I’d say for the most part we should leave them to people posting in the sex ads area of Craigslist.

  18. Carrie Rubin 11/12/2012 at 6:53 am #

    “a post-menopausal woman with the word ‘Tasty’ on her sweatpants”—That is almost as disturbing as the picture I saw recently of an octogenarian woman in a thong bikini…

    • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 2:01 pm #

      If it looks like your skin has been sitting in front of a heater too long, it’s time to find more flattering clothes.

  19. aliceatwonderland 11/12/2012 at 6:52 am #

    I HATE the pants with words on the butt. Even worse is when they make them for EIGHT YEAR OLDS. I’m sorry, I’m not into actively encouraging pedophiles when I take my young daughters out. Ditto for the panties that say “eye candy” (I swear I am not making this up.)

    • GiggsMcGill Jill 11/12/2012 at 3:45 pm #

      But the vagina pants up above – I want those.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 2:00 pm #

      There is a girl who lives in my complex who is about 10 or 11. She has a pair of pants that say “Hot Stuff” across the butt. I kept wondering where her parents were; why would they let her wear that? I saw the mom not too long ago with a shirt that said “Squeeze Me” across the breasts. Explains it all.

    • Aimee 11/13/2012 at 6:41 pm #

      I was going to say the same thing! I teach elementary school and little girls (kindergarten!!) come to school with things like “juicy” on their butts and their moms can’t understand when we call home and say they need ot change 😦

      • aliceatwonderland 11/13/2012 at 7:57 pm #

        Yikes. My mother was an elementary librarian, and she was asking kindergarten kids what their parents did for a living one day. One little girl said “My mommy takes her clothes off!” My mother was like, uh, okay, moving on . . .

  20. Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher 11/12/2012 at 6:48 am #

    Buttons – anything with buttons…

    • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 1:57 pm #

      When you buy jeans with buttons do you just leave the flap open? Because that’s kind of genius.

      • Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher 11/13/2012 at 5:47 pm #

        I don’t really wear jeans – but metal ones are ok – I would never buy 501 button fly jeans.

        Maybe I’d get the zipper easy access kind 🙂

  21. Words for Worms 11/12/2012 at 6:43 am #

    I didn’t know harem pants were a thing again… They should have died with MC Hammer’s career.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 1:56 pm #

      I think once he started doing those Cash 4 Gold commercials people thought it was time to resurrect his pants.

  22. I am no fashionista….not even close. I wear jeans and t-shirts nearly everyday so I have little room to talk here. But I must mention about footwear. Seriously, when did hooker heals, as I call them, become the most beloved accessory with women? Yes, I am talking about the 5″ heals that everyone seems to be wearing. I witness these monstrosities all the time. The majority of woman CAN’T walk in them. AND who wants to wear shoes that hurt your feet after wearing them for 30 seconds? I DON’T GET IT.

    Now being on the shorter side of average, I do love to stand a bit taller than I actually am but comfort outweighs my need to obtain a nosebleed or visit to the podiatrist’s office.

    On the flip-side…haha..not a fan of flip-flops….not so much for exposing stranger’s toes for massive viewing…I live in Florida. It’s inevitable (and necessary) to have little amount of foot covering. But I HATE them! Mainly because I can’t stand the thing between my toes. It drives me nuts….

    Okay, that’s enough about footwear….:-)

    • PS…sorry for all my grammatical and spelling errors…must drink more coffee…:-)


    • aliceatwonderland 11/12/2012 at 6:50 am #

      I hate those things too. I don’t wear any kind of heels. The only pair I have were last worn in my wedding 13 years ago. But the spike ones really get me – especially when worn by people who work on their feet. Never trust a nurse in spike heels. Something is wrong with her.

      Also, there are actually people who get their toes trimmed to fit into certain designer shoes. I saw it on Nightline or something. It’s like Cinderella’s stepsisters!

      • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 1:57 pm #

        People trim their toes? Wow. I’ve seen some people who don’t even bother to trim their nails.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 1:56 pm #

      The strangest part about people wearing hooker heels is it’s obvious they can’t walk in them. They’re always teetering around, and if a stiff wind blew in their direction they’d be screwed. And yeah, not functional at all.

      I hate flip flops, but I hate gladiator sandals more. It’s a lesser of the two evils sort of thing.

  23. speaker7 11/12/2012 at 6:20 am #

    I am also one who should likely not critique fashion. I have one pair of jeans that I would wear every day if I could, but I completely concur with your choices. The gladiator sandals in particular. I find unlacing sneakers difficult enough, I couldn’t imagine having to diddle with 400 snaps.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 1:54 pm #

      I am in favor of the world adopting a uniform. I’ll even let the pants be your favorite jeans.

  24. Stacie Chadwick 11/12/2012 at 6:17 am #

    I will never ever ever in the history of ever wear high-waisted pants. NOBODY looks good in them. I’ve never been a fan of the boyfriend jeans either. xoxo

    • Carrie Rubin 11/12/2012 at 6:51 am #

      I could not agree with you more. I don’t care if you’re the sexiest super model out there–please, no mom jeans.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 1:53 pm #

      I remember when everyone went nuts last year because Katie Holmes started wearing the boyfriend jean. I just kept thinking, “I’ve smelled the butt part of men’s jeans, I don’t want that.”

  25. unpackedwriter 11/12/2012 at 6:05 am #

    Love the phrasing of “nothing is sexier than highlighting all your flaws in overpriced pants.” Great caption!


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