You Are Now At Shopping Altitude

23 Oct

I love traveling. I enjoy seeing landmarks, feasting on local cuisine, and going to historical museums to get my knowledge on. While I appreciate the luxury of travel, I’m not fond of flying. Between the security pat-down, flight delays, and cramped seating arrangements, it’s just not at the top of my list of things in life I fancy.

On my latest trip to Vegas, I was reminded that one of the things I do really like is the literature that comes in the seat pocket in front of you on the airplane. While I like reading the evacuation instructions and airline-specific magazine, the thing I really look forward to is SkyMall Magazine.

While most of the stuff in there is pretty standard fare, there are some tucked away gems which are so bizarre you have to wonder if the altitude is affecting your perception. I took the liberty of flipping through the latest issue, and finding the biggest “WTF?” merchandise SkyMall has to offer.

The Solowheel. For those who have an extra $1800 in the bank, and think walking is too damn difficult. Must be a unicycle enthusiast who loves looking like an asshat. Click on the picture to watch this bad boy in action.

Credit: SkyMall

Large Super Skate Sail. I can’t prove it, but I’m pretty sure this thing is responsible for at least 20% of the divorces in our country. Husband: “Honey, I bought this great thing that allows us to windsurf in the park!” Wife: “I bite my tongue when your mother says I looked good with all this extra weight, and supported you when you wanted to start the brazilian waxing for men mobile spa, but I refuse to look like a beached water sport enthusiast.”

Credit: SkyMall

One Of A Kind Shirt. Armenian nightclub owner. BMW driver. South Beach regular. President of a frat. This is a one of a kind shirt for more than one kind of douchebag.

Credit: SkyMall

UpRight Sleeper. You know what I love about this product? How discreet it is! There are probably people who were beat up for wearing head gear who want to punch anyone who willingly wears this in the groin. I wonder if the inventors have ever heard of this little thing called A FREAKING PILLOW.

Credit: SkyMall

Custom Pet Canvas. This is the kind of thing you put above a house guest’s bed when you hope he/she will never want to return again. Seriously, this is the stuff nightmares are made of.

Credit: SkyMall

iGrow Hair Rejuvenation Laser. The same technology that burnout college kids use to grow pot in dorm rooms is now being used to turn your loved one into a chia pet. Brilliant.

Credit: SkyMall

SkyRest Travel Pillow. I can barely open a newspaper when I’m in an airplane seat, and this is guy is able to whip out a blowup mattress and take a catnap? Yeah, I can see this going over well with the traveler next to you who just lost his half-inch worth of elbow room.

Credit: SkyMall

Cat Toilet Training System. Little known side effect of this product: “I’m almost ready to leave, but I need to wait for Nathaniel Pawthorne to finish reporting for doody so I can grab my overnight case from the bathroom.”

Credit: SkyMall (the cat’s stare courtesy of the seventh circle of hell)

Let the record show that consumerism is alive and well in America.

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222 Responses to “You Are Now At Shopping Altitude”

  1. rollergiraffe 11/01/2012 at 1:02 pm #

    I fucking heart the skymall so much. From zombie lawn decorations to end table/dog crates, it just has everything my heart desired but didn’t know it wanted. Plus I can ignore that weird sound the plane is making while trying to convince my husband that we would be much more comfortable with those skypillows. No luck so far. Has anyone ever actually purchased something from skymall, or is it just like The Onion?

  2. Just Rambling 10/26/2012 at 5:14 am #

    Whoohoo! Yay you Jen! FP!
    Okay, and so I admit… I like SkyMall too. Unfortunately I don’t get to read it that often. I need mo money to fly mo often… So…yeah. 😉

    • Jen and Tonic 10/26/2012 at 8:33 am #

      Thanks!! I fly more for business than for personal reasons so I should thanks my lucky stars I get to have fun looking through SkyMall on someone else’s dime.

  3. Soul Walker 10/25/2012 at 6:56 pm #

    “Hey! I work for Skymall buddy.”

  4. yasingiraydemir 10/25/2012 at 12:02 pm #

    I think this assertion on economics truly explains this case: You don’t know what do you want until you see it. For example we don’t know what kind of headphones we want until we see a better headphone than ours.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/25/2012 at 1:58 pm #

      You’re absolutely right. I didn’t know I wanted to look like a South American drug kingpin until I saw that shirt!

  5. yasingiraydemir 10/25/2012 at 12:00 pm #

    Reblogged this on yasingiraydemir and commented:
    Hilarious!
    And a note from experts: You don’t know what do you want until you see it.

  6. calahan 10/25/2012 at 11:22 am #

    The solowheel looks really easy to steal. I’m getting one, just as soon as some moron pays $1800 for one and takes it out for a spin.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/25/2012 at 11:59 am #

      Imagining you running down the street with a hot solowheel made me laugh.

      • calahan 10/25/2012 at 12:02 pm #

        Now imagine me adding some wicked flames on the side, maybe some spinners, and pulling up in front of your house. “You wanna go for a ride, doll?” I’m so badass!

        • Jen and Tonic 10/25/2012 at 12:03 pm #

          SPINNING RIM. Singular, you only need one.

          • calahan 10/25/2012 at 12:55 pm #

            One for each side.

  7. Carrie Rubin 10/25/2012 at 9:26 am #

    Congrats! I didn’t realize you were FP’d. Well-deserved! This was so funny. I laughed out loud at the “Armenian nightclub owner.” That shirt is butt-ugly. And the Solowheel? Really? Does someone purposely want to look like a dork?

    Great post!

    • Jen and Tonic 10/25/2012 at 9:32 am #

      Thanks! It has been a crazy couple of days, but in a good way.

      Seriously, that shirt bothers me, and mostly because they’re overselling it. There is a REASON it’s one of a kind.

  8. lostnchina 10/24/2012 at 11:27 pm #

    Found you via MrMaryPoppins, and am I glad I did! Hilarious! I, too, love looking at the Skymall crap, but could never have described the items as well as you did. Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!

    • Jen and Tonic 10/25/2012 at 8:49 am #

      This post has taught me one thing- people love the hell out of SkyMall. If only we all had limitless budgets, the world would be riding around on a Solowheel…

      Thanks!

  9. Cathy Ulrich 10/24/2012 at 7:38 pm #

    Jen,
    I seriously couldn’t stop laughing. And yes, I’ve been meaning to follow your blog for some time – as a fellow “Carnie.” Now’s the time. And congrats on being FP’d. I’ve been having my own fun ride a few hours on the FP bus behind you.
    Cathy

    • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 8:39 pm #

      You wrote the Ode to the Blogosphere, right? LOVED that! Followed you- we Carnies need to stick together 🙂

  10. Brian Westbye 10/24/2012 at 5:39 pm #

    I KNEW HER FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!

    Congrats, darlin’. Very well deserved.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 7:16 pm #

      You totally did. I’m pretty sure you were in my first 10 subscribers EVER.

      Thanks, B.

  11. Aurora HSP 10/24/2012 at 12:28 pm #

    Congrats, Jen, you rock! Always have, always will. Spoonful of Saga Jen Style, loving it.

  12. uniquelysophie 10/24/2012 at 12:05 pm #

    My personal favourite is the cat toilet trainer- it took my dog 2 years to learn to pee outside and even now he still has the odd accident
    For a blog about the entertaining life of a British teenager, go to uniquelysophie.wordpress.com

    • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 12:58 pm #

      People who have the spare time to potty train their pets make the rest of us look bad.

  13. kittyjane 10/24/2012 at 11:55 am #

    Seriously hilarious! I love your comments to the completely rediculous items (: Isn’t it insane what people actually buy?!

    • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 12:56 pm #

      I have to say, I buy a ton of crap at places like Goodwill, and I wonder what someone would say about that. I mean, I have a key holder jar that looks like an acorn.

  14. Lyssapants 10/24/2012 at 11:23 am #

    Nathaniel Pawthorne?! I just lost my kitty litter.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 12:54 pm #

      I wish I could say I came up with it, but I heard it years ago on a television show.

      • Lyssapants 10/24/2012 at 1:13 pm #

        It reminded me of the wonderful pet naming talents of The Bloggess.

        • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 1:17 pm #

          I’ll have to check that out because I’m a sucker for that stuff.

  15. fireandair 10/24/2012 at 10:50 am #

    Oh god, SkyMall. I page through the Stupid Pet Gadgets section to look at pictures of cats, and then put it back.

  16. Viciously Sweet 10/24/2012 at 10:46 am #

    This is fantastic! Firstly congratulations on being pressed ever so freshly. And secondly, I think I have had plentiful nightmares about that one of a kind shirt (why does it change in price?!?! AHHHH).
    I wouldn’t even wear it if it was the only thing in the closet! I would rather wrap myself in that windsurfing kite, and then proceed to work on my solowheel.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 12:55 pm #

      Thanks lady! I would love to see YOU come up with a one of a kind shirt. Then you can have the Professional model it in the office.

  17. luvthemstillers 10/24/2012 at 9:47 am #

    Reblogged this on Digital Pittsburgh.

  18. egoist4ever 10/24/2012 at 8:56 am #

    Love One of a kind shirt, still don’t understand, how come I don’t have one lol

  19. verastazioncina 10/24/2012 at 7:53 am #

    miaooo! 🙂

  20. Kyra Fillmore 10/24/2012 at 7:30 am #

    I love this. My husband and I always love checking out the skymall. So many useless pieces of junk. But somehow… we always find SOMETHING that says “ah-ha!” to us. Loved reading this.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 10:09 am #

      Always, right? I’m waiting for the day when I see a “beard trimmer for ladies” in there. I’ll be purchasing right then and there.

  21. sportsandthecross 10/24/2012 at 7:27 am #

    Such odd stuff! Great post, it was very interesting and congrats on being Freshly Pressed!

  22. stephenfranano 10/24/2012 at 7:27 am #

    Reblogged this on stephenfranano.

  23. Simon 10/24/2012 at 7:21 am #

    Congrats on FP Jen! I now ask every flight attendant I meet if they have ever seen one of those inflatable sleeper things in person. Not a single one ever has. Looks so comfy but not near as money as the solo wheel.

  24. celiacandallergyadventures 10/24/2012 at 7:06 am #

    This is an awesome post! I look through the SkyMall catalog all the time and am amazed at some of the things in there. Is there really a demand for these items?!

    • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 10:05 am #

      There must be for someone to not only invent the product, but get SkyMall to sell it! I can’t wait for the day when I’m walking down the street and I’m passed by someone on a Solowheel.

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