I love traveling. I enjoy seeing landmarks, feasting on local cuisine, and going to historical museums to get my knowledge on. While I appreciate the luxury of travel, I’m not fond of flying. Between the security pat-down, flight delays, and cramped seating arrangements, it’s just not at the top of my list of things in life I fancy.
On my latest trip to Vegas, I was reminded that one of the things I do really like is the literature that comes in the seat pocket in front of you on the airplane. While I like reading the evacuation instructions and airline-specific magazine, the thing I really look forward to is SkyMall Magazine.
While most of the stuff in there is pretty standard fare, there are some tucked away gems which are so bizarre you have to wonder if the altitude is affecting your perception. I took the liberty of flipping through the latest issue, and finding the biggest “WTF?” merchandise SkyMall has to offer.
The Solowheel. For those who have an extra $1800 in the bank, and think walking is too damn difficult. Must be a unicycle enthusiast who loves looking like an asshat. Click on the picture to watch this bad boy in action.
Credit: SkyMall
Large Super Skate Sail. I can’t prove it, but I’m pretty sure this thing is responsible for at least 20% of the divorces in our country. Husband: “Honey, I bought this great thing that allows us to windsurf in the park!” Wife: “I bite my tongue when your mother says I looked good with all this extra weight, and supported you when you wanted to start the brazilian waxing for men mobile spa, but I refuse to look like a beached water sport enthusiast.”
Credit: SkyMall
One Of A Kind Shirt. Armenian nightclub owner. BMW driver. South Beach regular. President of a frat. This is a one of a kind shirt for more than one kind of douchebag.
Credit: SkyMall
UpRight Sleeper. You know what I love about this product? How discreet it is! There are probably people who were beat up for wearing head gear who want to punch anyone who willingly wears this in the groin. I wonder if the inventors have ever heard of this little thing called A FREAKING PILLOW.
Credit: SkyMall
Custom Pet Canvas. This is the kind of thing you put above a house guest’s bed when you hope he/she will never want to return again. Seriously, this is the stuff nightmares are made of.
Credit: SkyMall
iGrow Hair Rejuvenation Laser. The same technology that burnout college kids use to grow pot in dorm rooms is now being used to turn your loved one into a chia pet. Brilliant.
Credit: SkyMall
SkyRest Travel Pillow. I can barely open a newspaper when I’m in an airplane seat, and this is guy is able to whip out a blowup mattress and take a catnap? Yeah, I can see this going over well with the traveler next to you who just lost his half-inch worth of elbow room.
Credit: SkyMall
Cat Toilet Training System. Little known side effect of this product: “I’m almost ready to leave, but I need to wait for Nathaniel Pawthorne to finish reporting for doody so I can grab my overnight case from the bathroom.”
Credit: SkyMall (the cat’s stare courtesy of the seventh circle of hell)
Let the record show that consumerism is alive and well in America.
——————————————————————————-
Have an internet connection and some time to spare? FIND ME:
Sips of Jen and Tonic 
Only $695 for the hair rejuvenator brain cancer cap?!? Consider me sold.
If I bought one, I’d NEVER be able to keep my eyebrows apart.
Yes!! FP’d on a post that includes the most beautiful one-of-a-kind shirt and a custom pet canvas that makes me want to actually get a pet so I can get one made. Well deserved, sir. Well deserved.
I really think it’s the kind of thing that belongs on a bathroom wall. You can star at it while you take a dumpski, and it’ll be the first thing you see when you get out of the shower. Like the Bates Motel, but without the knife.
Thanks S7!
Several (brilliant) observations…
The first guy looks like Garth Brooks when Trisha Yearwood made him change diapers in exchange for sex. Also, every one of those shirts looks like an Oregon Ducks custom Nike football jersey, and did you notice there’s a discount when you buy all three?
Also, “upright sleeper guy” looks like he thought he was going to model the hair rejuvenation laser instead of that prop from the movie Thirteen Ghosts. Plus, now I want the death parachute for my very own, in case all the boats and planes to Catalina Island are all booked.
And huge congrats on being Freshly Pressed. Does this mean your blog will also stay wrinkle free?
Oh man, you’re RIGHT about the Oregon Ducks jersey. Great, two things I hate: the Ducks, and terrible western/disco gear.
Do they allow death parachutes in RB? I imagine you riding down the boardwalk screaming, “King Kong ain’t got shit on me!” Can I hitch a ride sometime?
And the Pulitzer for Funny Shit goes to Sips of Jen and Tonic for this gem: “One Of A Kind Shirt. Armenian nightclub owner. BMW driver. South Beach regular. President of a frat. This is a one of a kind shirt for more than one kind of douchebag.”
I so know that guy, but I hate to tell you that isn’t a one-of-a-kind shirt. Unfortunately.
There are MORE of these shirts out there? That hurts my life.
At least you didn’t go blind. I had to have Braille keys installed on my laptop.
BB!
That one-of-a-kind shirt, and the guy modeling it, automatically put me in a homicidal rage. The douchery is palpable even through the Interweb. But I might consider getting one of those pet canvas paintings just to creep people out.
Seriously, there are two more shirts with two more dudes in different phases of their douchebag transition: http://ow.ly/eHIIM.
Also, remind me to book a room at Motel 6 when I come visit you.
Aww, man, I was going to do up your guest room all nice with cat paintings and everything.
You: “We call this, cats playing piano.” Me: “I call this, time to find the nearest Holiday Inn.”
Meh. Whatever, dude.
Also, I don’t know that I want to meet your pets in any form. For God’s sakes, the cat in your default picture is aiming an assault rifle.
What’s your point?
Your cat could kick my ass and I’m scurred.
Never. You will always be warmly welcomed Chez Weebles.
Better than being Freshly Pressed. Just sayin.
SkyMall is a trip. I once found a hand written letter in an envelope that said, “Read Me”. It was a two page hand written letter from a woman looking for love. I guess she thought if she left her profile on a plane she would extend her options. I actually contemplated writing her, as the letter was pretty well written and seemed sincere (not in response to dating just to let her know it was still there). Unfortunately she forgot to put a house number with her address (yeah, her address was on there).
I also used to have a friend who bought one of those cat toilet training things. I think that is taking it a little too far. I don’t want to pee where my cat pees.
Wow! That lady gets points for being ingenious, but also needs a hug for that level of desperation. I think she watched too many RomComs where the lead meets the love of her life after leaving her luggage on an airplane.
Did the cat potty training thing actually work?
Yeah, I kind of felt bad for her too.
I am going to assume no, it didn’t work. Everytime I went over to his house he would instruct me to use the upstairs bathroom. because the cats were still “potty training”. This went on for months. So, no.
Are you sure when they said they were training Mittens they weren’t talking about Mitt Romney? He seems like someone who has bladder control issues.
Haha! Priceless.
SkyMall is the only thing that I look forward to when traveling by air. The promise of seeing that weird guy with the pornstache sleeping on his wedge of cheese makes it all worth it.
When I saw it I looked at the guy next to me, and tried to imagine him bringing that thing out and sleep staring at me for the duration of the flight.
PRICELESS!!! I love the cat stare lol
Seriously, how scary is that cat? If I walked into the bathroom and my cat was dropping a deuce and looking at me like that, I’d be constipated for a week.
Love this post Jen. I really like the shirt. LOL Your commentary is hysterical. Love it!
Sounds like someone wants a One of a Kind shirt for a One of a Kind Christmas!! I’ll let Noelle know.
lol
Congrats on your FP status! I fricking love SkyMall and this post was awesome!
Thanks, and I’m glad I’m not the only SkyMall addict!
The things people come up with…I’m amazed every single time. I was laughing out loud when I read it and then I saw the pet canvas situation…I was shocked. Really, a bit too disturbing for my taste.
Weeee!! CONGRATS on being Freshly Pressed (I always have to think of an orange squeezer thingy…)…you and your brilliant writing SO deserve it! Here is to many, many more!
I think it would be REALLY funny if you tried to do something similar with the pet canvas. Paint animals, but put cupcake faces on them instead. Truly frightening…
And thanks for your kind words!
You don’t want to see what I see in my mind now….
I only hope the cartoonist that did BC gets royalties for the solo wheel.
Maybe HE is the one who designed it. Calling his agent: “Hey Marty, people are losing interest in the caveman bit. We need to think of something to modernize this thing.”
Oh boy! I don’t touch the magazines on airplanes. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?! I will ship you some Purell. 😉
lol
You have kids! You’re already ingesting all sorts of disease!
This is awesome…
Thank you!
I really want to get hammered with you on an airplane. Though they might make an emergency landing to kick us off for being SO MUCH MORE FUNNY AND SEXY than everyone else. Something to think about. And womun, I am pleased as spiked punch that you finally got the mixed blessing of FP bestowed upon thee. WordPress has finally recognized your immense talent.
What she said… especially on the alcohol! And congrats!!
BTW, is there anything better than the douchebag shirt? If only it were that easy to spot douchebags…
it IS like a douchebag warning system. ORANGE-TURQUOISE-STRIPED ALERT
Imagine the time and effort saved if people came with a built in warning system?
YES!
Shirt 1: I’ll cheat on you
Shirt 2: I cry after sex
Shirt 3: I have a foot fetish
Thanks!
What I’m not sure about is WHO designed this shirt and then WHO approved it for the catalog? The even scarier part is thinking that someone will probably see it and think, “Damn, I need that in my life.”
One of my secret fantasies is to get on the intercom and just start telling jokes like I’m a comedian who was hired to be the in-flight entertainment. “And that’s when I said, YOU put down YOUR landing gear! Thanks everybody, I’ll be here for another hour. Don’t forget to tip your stewardess.” We could tag team!
And thanks for your support in my WordPress adventure 🙂
OMG that Armenian nightclub owner who drives a rented BMW ALL THE WAY to South Beach because he can’t afford a first class flight? Next door neighbor and President of Douches for Dating Your Underage Daughter. Swear to God.
Where the hell did Sky Mall get his picture?
Best post ever Jen…may the FP Gods (but not the one I just swore to, that’d be creepy) rain down on your beautiful head.
There are actually THREE men who posted in THREE different shirts: http://ow.ly/eHIIM. I am pretty sure this is rock bottom in a model’s career.
And thanks, I do like it when powerful people bestow awards on me. Makes me feel like the high class lady we all know I am. *burp*
Those are so ridiculous and hideous…who the hell thought that–or any of these SkyMall gems–were a good idea. Their sales are going to skyrocket, thanks to you!
Good point! I see a future as the Marketing Director at SkyMall, Inc. in my future!
Eek.
Three douches on one page. Thankfully I checked the link out on my phone rather than my laptop. Tiny douches are much better than life size.
=p
Ok…so most of that stuff really was lame..but the solo wheel? Are you kidding me? I’m going to have to start kissing Santa’s ass to get a gift that good for christmas…. 😉
Sounds like you need to start a kickstarter campaign!
I must be tired. What the hell is a kickstarter campaign?
It helps you raise funds for something: http://www.kickstarter.com/
Ahh…ok, thanks. 🙂
May god bless SkyMall, I love what you’ve chosen. Every time I am on a plane I look through and while it all feels like it’s meant to be funny, I’m like “I NEED THAT” for every single product. If I had money I would buy some of them and do silly reviews for the fun of it.
No joke, I saw a Bigfoot lawn decoration in there and thought, “Man, I really wish I had a backyard.” How bad is it when you want to buy a house just to accommodate this stuff?
Haha, that’s how SkyMall knows they’ve done well.
My gawd, Jen this was freakin’ hilarious. Your commentary along with these ridiculous products made me laugh out loud. That solo rider thing — wow, who would do that? And the very attractive sleep sitting up thing, I seriously need one of those. It be great to paint eyes on your eyelids while wearing this as well. Like on a plane, subway or train. Imagine the attention you’d get. Great post and I do love me some Skymiles entertainment — done up right by Jen.
The UpRight Sleeper is ALMOST as creepy as this thing: http://ow.ly/eHHVi
I want the solo wheel and skateboard sail together. I would take bets on how quickly I would end up in the ER.
Oh and that “one of a kind shirt” is not so one of a kind around here. I’m still laughing!
I think you’re on to something. What if these products suck on their own, but then you put them together and the combined force is pure genius?
Congrats on getting Freshly Pressed!
Thanks 🙂
Bwhahaa! The UpRight Sleeper, love it! I really want to see someone using it!
This product is being marketed to people who need to take a nap in otherwise inconvenient places. Could you imagine riding the train and seeing someone using this? I mean, COME ON.
Shoot – now I have to return all your birthday gifts….I thought you wanted the Upright Sleeper…
lol
I do…to use during business meetings. I doubt my boss will even notice.
I think if you get a neon green one, and put lots o’sparkles on it, it would be a better than a ‘bedazzle’ –
I want the solo wheel, because I never want to ever get any exercise on my own two legs. And I want someone to punch me in the back of the head when I pass them by.
Did you also notice how the guy in the commercial went into work as a man, sat down and became a woman, and then turned back into a man?! The power of the ‘Wheel.
When my segue breaks down – I’m taking my $1800 and going to ‘wheel’ town.
CONGRATS ON YOUR FRESHLY PRESSING…I officially am crying into my coffee…
Nothing taste better with coffee than sugar and tears.
Oh yeah…
Okay all I want it is the skate board sail… but for my kids skooter….
With a stiff wind your kids could get airborne.
What’s the kids got to do with it? 😀
Hilar! This is a great post! And so timely….I’m flying to Boston in an hour. 5 whole hours to browse Skymall await me.
According to the time, you’re now free to move about the cabin…and purchase whatever piece of junk you like.
You need to check out “Crap I found on Skymall” on the show The Giz Wiz on the TWiT network. The hosts Leo Laporte and Dick DeBartolo choose several new items from Skymall each week, then let the viewers vote on theit favorite. The winning item is then purchased and reviewed on an upcoming episode.
#1387: I Love the Smell of SkyMall in the Morning
http://twit.tv/show/weekly-daily-giz-wiz/1387
Oh man! That’s incredible!!!! I will definitely be watching that.
I did a bit of googling, and also found this guy who has a series dedicated to reviewing SkyMall items: http://www.gadling.com/tag/skymall-monday
I want all of these products! So cool! Ordering douche shirt first!
I will bring you a Sky Mall.
Thank you! Yay!
Make sure to unbutton the top 3 buttons. Expose that chest hair for extra douchey effect.
Check. (I guess I will have to grow more chest hair.)
Those are hilarious. It’s amazing how much crap you never needed before suddenly appears! The solowheel is my favorite. Reminds me of that freaking irritating woman on the Walgreens commercial flying around on her segway bragging about how healthy she is – I want to trip her.
The thing I don’t understand about the Solowheel is how NORMAL everyone in the commercial seems to think it is. “Hey Bob, I see you traded in your Honda for that unicycle. Good cal!!”
It’s like the infomercial for that leaf blower thingy that looks like it’s owned by a ghostbuster. Those people were like OMG IT IS A JESUS MACHINE. Let’s use this enormous sucker to blow off a spider web! Sure!