What’s In My Bag?

27 May

YouTube is a huge time suck for me. I love going on there and watching all sorts of different videos: music, DIY, fitness, hypnosis, inspirational, movie clips. Have any of you ever noticed how you get to a really strange part of YouTube if you surf around long enough? I once came across a video where a doctor inflates a patient’s penile prosthesis by squeezing his scrotum. If you don’t want to watch the video I’ll summarize it by saying it was a lot like those Air Jordans you could pump up by pressing on the tongue of the shoe.

One of my favorite things to watch on the site are videos put out by beauty gurus. Despite being a walking train wreck, I love looking at what cute, fashionable girls are doing with their hair, clothes and makeup. My linebacker shoulders, manly facial features and birthing hips won’t allow me to ever be like any of them, but it’s nice to see how the other side lives.

There’s a series of videos in this community called “What’s in my bag?” which allows viewers to take a look at what things they tote around in their purses. All of their handbags are almost always full of the same things: lipgloss, candy, brushes, blotting papers, sunglasses, deodorant. For those of you who have a life, you’re wondering why anyone would want to watch something like this. Obviously you’re not someone with a healthy addiction to stalking strangers like I am.

I thought it would be fun to show what was in my purse. Maybe this is my attempt at fitting in with the living Barbie dolls. Come on guys, let me have my moment!

Here we go…

The purse in question. I got this from Forever 21 even though I aged out of that store about 10 years ago.

A stain fighting pen because I have the table manners of a Tasmanian Devil.

A fork for all those eating-related emergencies.

Two wallets and a checkbook. Never has one person made it so complicated to carry around such little money.

J&T business cards to hand out to friends and family and anyone else who already knows about my blog.

Ray-Bans that my inner hipster made me buy.

I loved this SOYJOY bar so much I couldn’t even throw the wrapper away.

I think the unsharpened pencil really shows how concerned I am with having proper writing tools on hand.

It’s important to have enough perfume to cover up the stench of desperation and loneliness.

A wad of receipts which confirms why my tax guy hates me.

Two rogue batteries for those times when you randomly run across a dead remote.

A postcard from the Russian Consulate letting me know I am no longer allowed into their country after the “Operation Sex Panther” incident of 2008.

Breath fresheners because you can’t have your mouth smelling like you ate a Crap Sandwich for lunch.

My diary. The first line in it reads, “Dear Diary, why doesn’t Scott Baio love me the way I love him? Jenny loves Chachi!!”

Two sets of keys because I’m an aspiring building superintendent.

My digital camera because I never know when I’ll suddenly feel like sending lewd photos of myself to local government officials.

A beanie to cover up my forehead…which is really a fivehead.

I’m not a smoker, but I do carry a lighter like one because starting random campfires is high on my list of priorities in life.

Staying moisturized is very important to me because I don’t want anyone to think they’re kissing or boning a dinosaur.

You know, I always thought of myself as being a rather low-maintenance person, but I guess I’m really not. It takes a lot to keep myself together, and it’s no mystery as to why my left shoulder hurts after lugging my bag around. I’d like to think I’m just really prepared, but it’s more likely that I suffer from some form of compulsive hoarding that is contained to my purse.

Truth be told, I’ll probably always carry this much stuff with me. I have a sensitivity to light so I cannot be without my sunglasses. I need my moisturizers because my hands get really dry in the winter. My camera needs to be with me at all times because my life is one big adventure I’d like to capture on film. They say that what you carry with you is a reflection of who you are, and in my case that’s true. The contents of my purse is a hot mess, and so am I.

63 Responses to “What’s In My Bag?”

  1. SummerSolsticeGirl 06/06/2012 at 12:50 am #

    I was going to blog about the contents of my bag but now I don’t have to. You already did!

  2. Smaktakula 06/02/2012 at 10:18 am #

    The air Jordan cock will invade my dreams.
    Love the contents of your purse. Bet you pack light for trips.
    You must originally from California. I think you live in Oregon. A true Oregonad wouldn’t advertise for the Golden State.
    And don’t give up on Chachi. When I was a kid I used to have a mad crush on Debbie Harry of Blondie. I realized the other day (and I don’t mean this in a good way) that today I could probably have her.

  3. trjensen 05/30/2012 at 3:18 pm #

    My purse has nothing in it at the moment. I bounce back and forth between backpack and purse because if I head out I am typically heading out for a slumber party and I need clothes. Won’t be needing that backpack for quite a while, me thinks.

    • Jen and Tonic 05/30/2012 at 10:04 pm #

      NOTHING? How do you survive?!

      • trjensen 05/30/2012 at 10:10 pm #

        I typically have the backpack.

        • Jen and Tonic 05/30/2012 at 10:13 pm #

          I think even if I had a backpack I’d still feel naked. But I’m liking the idea of a backpack…even more crap to hoard.

          • trjensen 05/30/2012 at 10:19 pm #

            LOL! When I spending the night somewhere ;P which I was doing a lot of, it is easier to deal with. When I am not sure I will be home or I am just going out for the day I go with my purse.

          • Jen and Tonic 05/30/2012 at 10:24 pm #

            Smart move! I am not exciting enough to be unsure of where I’m sleeping at night. The most exciting I get is, “Am I going to sleep on my left or right side tonight?”

          • trjensen 05/30/2012 at 10:28 pm #

            Shush now. The first slumber party is almost always a suprise (which I have a funny story about) but after that if I plan on staying I have a bag.

  4. thoughtsappear 05/30/2012 at 9:11 am #

    You carry a lighter. That means you’re ready for smores any time. You’re my new buddy.

    • Jen and Tonic 05/30/2012 at 10:04 pm #

      I am ready for smores. I like a girl who knows what she wants. Call me.

  5. Viciously Sweet 05/29/2012 at 12:50 pm #

    I don’t know what my favorite thing in your purse was… I’m thinking the fork… or the fact that I too carry a fancy notebook in my purse… my unrequited love is of course 90s teen sensation Freddie Prinze Jr.

    • Jen and Tonic 05/30/2012 at 10:01 pm #

      The fork got used today! No plastic fork had to die for my lunch.

      Oh yes, Freddie was a dreamboat wasn’t he? *sigh*

  6. Simon 05/29/2012 at 9:43 am #

    While I cannot relate completely, my wife did post this on FB over the weekend: “I’m so embarrassed by the contents of my purse. My purse used to be so young and hot. Now…it’s full of crumbs, mum mums, fruit snacks, and frequent shopper cards. Sigh~~”

    • Jen and Tonic 05/30/2012 at 9:59 pm #

      As someone who had to pick SOYJOY crumbs from the pages of her notebook, I understand your wife’s pain.

  7. cristycarringtonlewis 05/29/2012 at 8:50 am #

    There is a name for this disease. You are hoarder. How can someone you’ve never met diagnose you with such a horrific condition that not one, but TWO shows are dedicated to its victims? Because I am a hoarder, too.

    No, my home is not filled to the gills with crap, but my purse is. I’ve tried larger purses and I simply fill up the available space with more crap. I’ve tried petite bags, but I just end up cursing the fact that there’s no room for my powder and a hair brush. Dental floss, a pair of socks, saline nasal spray, straws, gum, mints, votive candles, a Chewbacca figurine, nail polish, miniature hairspray, potting soil, a mini cooper…there is a veritable treasure trove of stuff that you could be carrying around with you and you aren’t. Yet.

    Hint: if you want to sound like one of those supermodels, say you carry a spray bottle of Evian with you – for keeping your skin moist on those long, transatlantic flights during Fashion Week.

    BTW, have you seen the videos on You Tube for making your face up like an anime character? That’s my favorite.

    • Jen and Tonic 05/30/2012 at 9:57 pm #

      There are two shows about hoarders? Does this mean the network is hoarding hoarders? God bless america.

      I’ve tried the petite purses too and I just end up cursing at them as I stuff a spare hamburger in there. And you’re right….I really am not letting my handbag live up to its potential.

      YES! Those anime videos are out of control! Have you seen this one?!

      • cristycarringtonlewis 05/31/2012 at 7:56 am #

        Awesome, but she can’t open her eyes. That’s hilarious. I want to see her show up at a Halloween party squinting out of her eyes as she walks around because if she opens them, she just ends up looking like a really bad drag queen.

        • Jen and Tonic 05/31/2012 at 8:54 am #

          Fashion isn’t practical!!!! YouTube taught me that.

          Screw Halloween. I’m debuting this at my next company meeting.

  8. speaker7 05/28/2012 at 12:36 pm #

    My bag just has a prosthetic penis and a bicycle pump. I wonder what that says about me?

    • Bill Friday 05/28/2012 at 1:03 pm #

      Damn! speaker7… you always beat me to the good stuff!!! I was just going to say that because of this post, I will never look at a penis (or a pair of Pumped Up Kicks) the same… ever again!

      Thanks for that.

      Also, Who doesn’t carry a beanie in their “man satchel”? I have one favorite beanie that I keep in there at all times cause… you just never know.

      • Jen and Tonic 05/30/2012 at 9:53 pm #

        So tell me, how WERE you looking at penises before? It sounds like you were gazing at them often.

        And if anyone was going to appreciate me having a beanie, it was going to be you.

    • Jen and Tonic 05/30/2012 at 9:51 pm #

      It says you picked up my spare handbag by mistake. I’d like it back please.

  9. paralaxvu 05/28/2012 at 12:02 pm #

    Add two Improvements catalog fold-into-the-size-of-a-postage-stamp grocery bags, a collapsible water dish for the barking zombies, a Mexican and an American phone because you never know which side of the border you’re gonna be on,and it’s mine…

    • Jen and Tonic 05/30/2012 at 9:51 pm #

      You have two phones? You’re either an international gigolo, or you dabble in espionage.

      • paralaxvu 06/01/2012 at 12:19 pm #

        My dear, how did you know? I am international, but a gigoless–in two ways, cuz I’m female AND overweight (so like Santa I gigoles when I falls down chimblees)–and espionage is my middle name…no, no, wait, dabble is my middle name. Sigh. The truth is much more mundane but unless I post about it, you’ll never know, and for now I like the sound of Paralaxvu, International, Gigoless Dabbling in Espionage. Or, International Dabbler in Gigolos. Yeah, that’s me!

  10. jamiebmusings 05/28/2012 at 9:34 am #

    ROFL, very cute- I always carry around my camera, too. Never know when that perfect shot will come up. 🙂

  11. Ritika Upadhyay At Le Blog 05/28/2012 at 6:09 am #

    The contents of your handbag are interesting… and reassuring!
    And it all fits in one bag: ONE.
    #likeaboss 😀

    • Jen and Tonic 05/30/2012 at 9:47 pm #

      Really, as I pulled stuff out I couldn’t believe how much I had gotten in there. I didn’t take a picture of it, but I had about 78 dollars worth of pennies at the bottom.


  12. Brigitte 05/28/2012 at 6:02 am #

    Burt’s Bees moisturizers, camera and all those stupid cards you get whenever you shop anywhere so you can get the sales and they can constantly monitor your spending habits seem to be always on my person, as well as a pad, pens and other stuff that finds its way into the bottom of my purse until I clean it out. :).

    • Jen and Tonic 05/30/2012 at 9:46 pm #

      YES! Those preferred shopper cards are the worst! I have so many of those teeny tiny ones that you’re supposed to put on your keychain. Even *I* don’t have enough keychains for how many I’ve collected.

      • Brigitte 05/31/2012 at 5:47 am #

        I know, why the h**l don’t they just set the freakin’ prices or keep one giant card at the counter and scan it for everyone!!!!! Check out my latest post and see if you recognize anything. I’m alerting those followers that haven’t read it. I’m not to proud to beg and shamelessly plug what I’ve written. ;).

  13. breakitdownpete 05/28/2012 at 5:47 am #

    Love this post! Funny shit! but you know you are hideing some things from us, women at my job carry 2and 3 purses for all of their life moments.

    • Jen and Tonic 05/30/2012 at 9:45 pm #

      Wait, you know about the other purses? I may have to kill you now.

      • breakitdownpete 05/31/2012 at 5:12 pm #

        Ha Ha yes i do! Some of my co-workers carry flip flops, towel, sun screen like the owner is going to come out of his office and tell them they can work from the beach today. It must be a woman thing! I carry a few bucks, 2 credit cards my drivers lic. and a few business cards. What the hell else could you need?

        • Jen and Tonic 05/31/2012 at 9:16 pm #

          What the hell else could I need?! Why I oughta….

  14. Just Rambling 05/28/2012 at 2:09 am #

    Ooh oh oh! I knew there was a beany in there somewhere! I knew it!!! 😀

  15. Jen 05/28/2012 at 1:55 am #

    I’m soooo impressed you did this. Its super brave. I don’t think I’d be that keen to show the contents of my bag….I will say there is a tape measure and an Ikea gift card in there.

    Most in awe of your stain pen….what the? And your blog business cards. Noice.

    • Jen and Tonic 05/30/2012 at 9:43 pm #

      Come on!!! The people want to hear about what’s in your purse!

      I NEED the stain pen. I am the messiest person in the universe.

  16. TJLubrano 05/27/2012 at 11:36 pm #

    Bag peeking!!! Okay, for some reason that sounds wrong this early in the morning.

    You’re too funny! I loved seeing what’s in your bag 🙂 Mine is far less interesting, seriously.

    Dead remotes and random campfires hahaha! So cool! High Five for staying moisturized!!! Very important indeed. Sharpened pencils are for those imaginary thoughts not yet captured!!! Also, one can use a fork to stab people when they get too close in the personal space…


    • Jen and Tonic 05/30/2012 at 9:23 pm #

      Yes! I doodle in the air with my unsharpened pencil. Then I upload it on my imaginary website, and make imaginary money from it. I’ve figured out why I can never afford anything…

      This looks VERY different from Cilla’s purse video 😉

  17. vanessa 05/27/2012 at 10:22 pm #

    hot damn you’re hilarious.

    • Jen and Tonic 05/30/2012 at 9:22 pm #

      I thought you’d especially like this since you’re one of those girls. You beautiful biatch.

  18. calahan 05/27/2012 at 8:08 pm #

    At first, I saw that Clorox pen as something so not a Clorox pen. Thank you, double take, for the clarification.

  19. writerwendyreid 05/27/2012 at 7:11 pm #

    You are hilarious. I love this idea and may steal it for a future blog post, if that is alright with you. Of course, I will give you credit and send a few peeps your way. 🙂

  20. MissFourEyes 05/27/2012 at 6:41 pm #

    I love those makeup videos, they’re mesmerizing! I think they might have found the real secret to hypnosis

    • Jen and Tonic 05/30/2012 at 9:20 pm #

      Sometimes I realize that I’ve been watching for hours…and I haven’t showered…and lost my job…and my boyfriend moved out.

  21. Karmic Diva 05/27/2012 at 6:26 pm #

    It all looks perfectly logical to me. Especially the unsharpened pencil. I never leave home without my black sharpie and peppermint gum.

    • Jen and Tonic 05/30/2012 at 9:18 pm #

      A black sharpie and peppermint gum? Is that to seduce someone with your fresh breath, and then when they fall asleep post-coitus you draw a penis on their face?

      • Karmic Diva 05/31/2012 at 2:55 am #

        fresh breath is a must. the sharpie has a mind of its own. I like your idea.

  22. Mike Beaumont 05/27/2012 at 5:48 pm #

    I’m not much better as I carry a backpack around with me at work all the time. I have the essentials, bandaids, nail clippers and file, hair brush, USB cable for my iPhone, ear buds, books, reflector belt, neosporin ointment, sticky notes, pens, chewing gum, packets of sweetener, dental floss, and of course a tooth brush and tooth paste. And if I am gonna be gone for any length of time I also take my laptop with me. I also usually have snacks hidden in there somewhere most of the time incase I miss lunch. HaHa.

    • Jen and Tonic 05/30/2012 at 9:17 pm #

      Wow! If the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m looking for you!

  23. The Waiting 05/27/2012 at 5:00 pm #

    I’m still lugging around day planners and a map of the Seoul subway system from two years ago, so your fork and batteries seem completely logical to me.

    • Jen and Tonic 05/30/2012 at 9:15 pm #

      Yes! How does this happen to us? And how do our purses never spill over with crap? It’s like some special portal for junk.

  24. Sword-chinned bitch 05/27/2012 at 4:56 pm #

    I also looove watching those videos of girls putting on makeup and doing their hair — and I am as low maintenance as they get! Okay, gotta go — I want to watch the penile pumping video…

    • Jen and Tonic 05/30/2012 at 9:14 pm #

      So tell me, what did you think of the video? 😉

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