I recently came across an article about a company, Kingfish Labs, which raised $500,000 to help develop a social dating application for Facebook. You can sign up for their app, Yoke, and select whether or not you’re in a relationship. If you’re coupled you can act as a matchmaker for your single friends, and if you’re unattached the application will recommend users to you based on the commonality of your Facebook profiles.
There are a couple of holes in this plan:
- I love my friends dearly, but many of them have a hard enough time setting themselves up. Add the fact that most of us are highly undesirable dating specimen, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.
- A computer can only account for the things that are being said in a profile and not the things that aren’t. You wouldn’t know that someone was a hardcore KKK member until they started fitting you for your head cover.
Okay, maybe I’m being a bit of a naysayer here. I’m sure the software developers are all smart people with advanced degrees in dating women socializing computer stuff. I’m sure they’ve considered all the possibilities.
Let’s imagine a world in which I was was single, and the men of the world were in danger of becoming the objects of my affection. What exactly would my likes on Facebook say about me? Who would Yoke think I paired well with? Would the men who were matched with me kill themselves slowly and brutally, or in a swift, humane manner?
Here are some highlights from my Facebook profile:
Music: Devil’s Urethra
Movies: Shaving Ryan’s Privates
Sports: Croquet, bowling (how athletic of me!)
Activities: Eating, beer, sleep, bacon
Interests: Reruns of The Golden Girls
Television: Reality television
Games: Scattegories, Balderdash, Scrabble (word games are as much of an aphrodisiac as taking a kick to the nuts)
Likes: Yelling at Inanimate Objects, Not Panicking Over Swine Flu, There is Nothing Worse Than a Rejected High Five, I Will Carry 20 Grocery Bags so I Don’t Have to Make a Second Trip, It’s Really Not That Spicy You’re Just White, I Hate it When You’re With MC Hammer and He Doesn’t Let You Touch Anything
I spent hours (okay, minutes) toiling away at inputting the above data into my computer (okay, I ate pizza and just thought about inputting it) and was able to come up with my perfect match:
Credit: Adapted from a Yoke promo photo
Sips of Jen and Tonic 
He’s got a real big gun. That’s a plus.
It’s all about the size of the….gun.
Hooow on earth did I missed this post? That aside. I couldn’t stop laughing when I read “Shaving Ryan’s Privates”…then I was shocked as I do not wanna know who I’d get paired up with!!!
TJ, don’t act like you haven’t seen the movie!!!
Also, I found out who your match would be: http://onlymissm.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/unacceptable.jpg
AGAIN you’ve made me laugh and be utterly shocked all at the same time!!!!!
Hilarious, Jen. Question: Does shaving Ryan’s privates lead to balderdash?
If done correctly…absolutely!
“You wouldn’t know that someone was a hardcore KKK member until they started fitting you for your head cover.” stop it. are you feckin’ kidding me. nearly died. nearly died this was so good. the whole post. fantastic. don’t even get me started with e-harmony, which i also call, ‘get involved with another christian who also hates the gays’ — or e-no-gays, since they won’t match up the gays. strange, money is money whether gay or straights. anyhoot, this is a great post. all of this linking of everything annoys the shit out of me. seriously.
Obviously hardcore religious fanatics don’t care about the bottom line. They need to take their cues from Scientologists who let anyone (read: psychopaths like Tom Cruise) into the club for a buck.
That’s so wild–you studied Donkey Punching, too? I had a 3.2 GPA!
Forget the guy with the cat and gun, what are YOU doing this weekend?
Oh, man. The apocolypse is near. I have to say, though, that gentleman does look perfect for you. 😉
Your wedding invite is in the mail.
I think you should eliminate everything form the profile but Golden Girls, SRP and reality television.
Let the potential mate discover the rest like notes in a fine
winegin.You’re absolutely right! I need to leave a hint of mystery. A guy should find out I read smut, yell at inanimate objects and play hardcore games of croquet on his own.
Shaving Ryan’s Privates was a pretty good movie, but the audiobook was waaaay better. Your “Likes” are off the charts. Also, “I Will Carry 20 Grocery Bags so I Don’t Have to Make a Second Trip” just became my new mission statement.
You have SRP (yeah, I have an acronym for it) on tape? I’ve been looking everywhere for it. Burn me a copy?
the world needs more donkey punchers. Marry and have kids already! You can have little donkey punchers!
It sounds like you’re a Donkey Punch crusader. We need more people like you in the world.
I would be very scared to see who I’m yoked with lol thanks for the giggles this am
No kidding! I think everyone should give this app a try and see who their matches would be. As you can see above, I already found my Prince Charming.
I know my pairing would simply say something like, “Piss off, no one likes you you sarcastic bastard”….and then I would make up a new profile full of complete lies, you know, like everyone else does…and i’d STILL get the same match.
I would love to see who you’d pair up with! I’m really scared because none of us are *that* far removed from that one site’s members. I pity the fool…
Ha, I would LOOOOVE to see this thing! Maybe I have to sign up for FB again! 😛
DO IT! Then write a blog post about all of your potential suitors 😉
Can’t imagine who I’d be matched with when my hobbies include fighting, leg humping and eating the furniture…..you maybe? hehehehe
Fighting, leg humping and eating furniture? We’re soulmates.
I thought this was going to be an article about an almost out of business website based out of San Antonio. Sooooo disappointed. Maybe next time?
I’ve got that one pre-written, and will release it once it goes under…kinda like when newspapers write obituaries for sick celebrities.
You’ve gotten sassy over time. It must be all of that brain washing and persuading I did!
You know with the success rate of most relationships, this might not be such a bad idea. hehe
You’re absolutely right…and at minimum, there’d be a great blog post in it.
I’m not sure there is a bigger recipe for disaster than matching peeps based on their FB profiles. Other than that, I’m sure dude with Gun and Cat is pretty devestated you’re not single Jen…. 🙂
Gun dude IS devastated, but it’s better we part ways now. Both of us reading smut all the time…it just would have gotten ugly.
You make the world a better place. I’m not even drunk as I write this either, before you say it.
Just methed out? I like your style.
Man, that’s encouraging.
Isn’t it? Now you can hook up with a friend’s brother’s neighbor’s coworker’s ex-wive’s daughter from her first marriage.
Oh Jen,
Do I ever have the perfect mate for you.
Let me download the app first.
Le Clown
If it isn’t Justin Long I don’t want to hear it. I guess JC is a good substitute.