Facebook Friends With Benefits

1 Apr

I recently came across an article about a company, Kingfish Labs, which raised $500,000 to help develop a social dating application for Facebook.  You can sign up for their app, Yoke, and select whether or not you’re in a relationship. If you’re coupled you can act as a matchmaker for your single friends, and if you’re unattached the application will recommend users to you based on the commonality of your Facebook profiles.

There are a couple of holes in this plan:

  1. I love my friends dearly, but many of them have a hard enough time setting themselves up. Add the fact that most of us are highly undesirable dating specimen, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.
  2. A computer can only account for the things that are being said in a profile and not the things that aren’t. You wouldn’t know that someone was a hardcore KKK member until they started fitting you for your head cover.

Okay, maybe I’m being a bit of a naysayer here. I’m sure the software developers are all smart people with advanced degrees in dating women socializing computer stuff. I’m sure they’ve considered all the possibilities.

Let’s imagine a world in which I was was single, and the men of the world were in danger of becoming the objects of my affection. What exactly would my likes on Facebook say about me? Who would Yoke think I paired well with? Would the men who were matched with me kill themselves slowly and brutally, or in a swift, humane manner?

Here are some highlights from my Facebook profile:

Music: Devil’s Urethra

Movies: Shaving Ryan’s Privates

Sports: Croquet, bowling (how athletic of me!)

Activities: Eating, beer, sleep, bacon

Interests: Reruns of The Golden Girls

Television: Reality television

Games: Scattegories, Balderdash, Scrabble (word games are as much of an aphrodisiac as taking a kick to the nuts)

Likes: Yelling at Inanimate Objects, Not Panicking Over Swine Flu, There is Nothing Worse Than a Rejected High Five, I Will Carry 20 Grocery Bags so I Don’t Have to Make a Second Trip, It’s Really Not That Spicy You’re Just White, I Hate it When You’re With MC Hammer and He Doesn’t Let You Touch Anything

I spent hours (okay, minutes) toiling away at inputting the above data into my computer (okay, I ate pizza and just thought about inputting it) and was able to come up with my perfect match:

Credit: Adapted from a Yoke promo photo

41 Responses to “Facebook Friends With Benefits”

  1. TheVodkaKing 04/19/2012 at 11:18 pm #

    He’s got a real big gun. That’s a plus.

  2. TJLubrano 04/07/2012 at 2:34 am #

    Hooow on earth did I missed this post? That aside. I couldn’t stop laughing when I read “Shaving Ryan’s Privates”…then I was shocked as I do not wanna know who I’d get paired up with!!!

  3. Main Street Musings Blog 04/05/2012 at 12:50 pm #

    Hilarious, Jen. Question: Does shaving Ryan’s privates lead to balderdash?

  4. sweetmother 04/05/2012 at 11:08 am #

    “You wouldn’t know that someone was a hardcore KKK member until they started fitting you for your head cover.” stop it. are you feckin’ kidding me. nearly died. nearly died this was so good. the whole post. fantastic. don’t even get me started with e-harmony, which i also call, ‘get involved with another christian who also hates the gays’ — or e-no-gays, since they won’t match up the gays. strange, money is money whether gay or straights. anyhoot, this is a great post. all of this linking of everything annoys the shit out of me. seriously.

    • Jen and Tonic 04/05/2012 at 11:50 pm #

      Obviously hardcore religious fanatics don’t care about the bottom line. They need to take their cues from Scientologists who let anyone (read: psychopaths like Tom Cruise) into the club for a buck.

  5. Smaktakula 04/05/2012 at 12:32 am #

    That’s so wild–you studied Donkey Punching, too? I had a 3.2 GPA!

    • Jen and Tonic 04/05/2012 at 8:15 am #

      Forget the guy with the cat and gun, what are YOU doing this weekend?

  6. Janene 04/04/2012 at 8:00 am #

    Oh, man. The apocolypse is near. I have to say, though, that gentleman does look perfect for you. 😉

  7. El Guapo 04/03/2012 at 7:46 pm #

    I think you should eliminate everything form the profile but Golden Girls, SRP and reality television.
    Let the potential mate discover the rest like notes in a fine wine gin.

    • Jen and Tonic 04/03/2012 at 8:57 pm #

      You’re absolutely right! I need to leave a hint of mystery. A guy should find out I read smut, yell at inanimate objects and play hardcore games of croquet on his own.

  8. timmer 04/03/2012 at 5:11 pm #

    Shaving Ryan’s Privates was a pretty good movie, but the audiobook was waaaay better. Your “Likes” are off the charts. Also, “I Will Carry 20 Grocery Bags so I Don’t Have to Make a Second Trip” just became my new mission statement.

    • Jen and Tonic 04/03/2012 at 6:44 pm #

      You have SRP (yeah, I have an acronym for it) on tape? I’ve been looking everywhere for it. Burn me a copy?

  9. edrevets 04/03/2012 at 3:11 am #

    the world needs more donkey punchers. Marry and have kids already! You can have little donkey punchers!

    • Jen and Tonic 04/03/2012 at 9:39 am #

      It sounds like you’re a Donkey Punch crusader. We need more people like you in the world.

  10. The Old Heave Ho 04/02/2012 at 8:17 am #

    I would be very scared to see who I’m yoked with lol thanks for the giggles this am

    • Jen and Tonic 04/02/2012 at 8:27 am #

      No kidding! I think everyone should give this app a try and see who their matches would be. As you can see above, I already found my Prince Charming.

  11. Garry Crystal 04/02/2012 at 8:17 am #

    I know my pairing would simply say something like, “Piss off, no one likes you you sarcastic bastard”….and then I would make up a new profile full of complete lies, you know, like everyone else does…and i’d STILL get the same match.

    • Jen and Tonic 04/02/2012 at 8:25 am #

      I would love to see who you’d pair up with! I’m really scared because none of us are *that* far removed from that one site’s members. I pity the fool…

  12. Just Rambling 04/02/2012 at 3:48 am #

    Ha, I would LOOOOVE to see this thing! Maybe I have to sign up for FB again! 😛

    • Jen and Tonic 04/02/2012 at 8:22 am #

      DO IT! Then write a blog post about all of your potential suitors 😉

  13. bonesdiary 04/01/2012 at 11:57 pm #

    Can’t imagine who I’d be matched with when my hobbies include fighting, leg humping and eating the furniture…..you maybe? hehehehe

    • Jen and Tonic 04/02/2012 at 8:22 am #

      Fighting, leg humping and eating furniture? We’re soulmates.

  14. Bill Friday 04/01/2012 at 11:52 pm #

    I thought this was going to be an article about an almost out of business website based out of San Antonio. Sooooo disappointed. Maybe next time?

    • Jen and Tonic 04/02/2012 at 8:21 am #

      I’ve got that one pre-written, and will release it once it goes under…kinda like when newspapers write obituaries for sick celebrities.

      You’ve gotten sassy over time. It must be all of that brain washing and persuading I did!

  15. mj monaghan 04/01/2012 at 8:50 pm #

    You know with the success rate of most relationships, this might not be such a bad idea. hehe

    • Jen and Tonic 04/01/2012 at 9:04 pm #

      You’re absolutely right…and at minimum, there’d be a great blog post in it.

  16. Jen 04/01/2012 at 7:22 pm #

    I’m not sure there is a bigger recipe for disaster than matching peeps based on their FB profiles. Other than that, I’m sure dude with Gun and Cat is pretty devestated you’re not single Jen…. 🙂

    • Jen and Tonic 04/01/2012 at 7:56 pm #

      Gun dude IS devastated, but it’s better we part ways now. Both of us reading smut all the time…it just would have gotten ugly.

  17. saradraws 04/01/2012 at 6:25 pm #

    You make the world a better place. I’m not even drunk as I write this either, before you say it.

  18. Brian Westbye 04/01/2012 at 4:23 pm #

    Man, that’s encouraging.

    • Jen and Tonic 04/01/2012 at 7:52 pm #

      Isn’t it? Now you can hook up with a friend’s brother’s neighbor’s coworker’s ex-wive’s daughter from her first marriage.

  19. clownonfire 04/01/2012 at 4:13 pm #

    Oh Jen,
    Do I ever have the perfect mate for you.
    Let me download the app first.
    Le Clown

    • Jen and Tonic 04/01/2012 at 7:47 pm #

      If it isn’t Justin Long I don’t want to hear it. I guess JC is a good substitute.


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