I’ve never been the corporate type. I’ve never had a job I needed to dress up for, I don’t try to wiggle my way up the corporate ladder, and I have zero desire to ever be the type of person who is married to her job. My parents must be so proud.
In light of this information, one can imagine how excited I am when I find out we’re going to have a team meeting at work. I always go through the same stages whenever one is scheduled: fear, guilt, excitement, resentment, indifference and finally, acceptance. Sitting around a table listening to “business speak” ranks right up there with having my eyelashes ripped out one by one. I always end up zoning out after a few minutes, and wishing I had opted for a job in retail.
Yesterday I was lucky enough to experience one of these glorious gatherings, and I thought I’d take you guys on a journey through the mind of Professional Jen. Here are my thoughts as they occurred:
- “Ohmigod, I’m going to laugh out loud for no reason. No laughing! Don’t laugh! Think about that Sarah McLachlan commercial.”
- “I’m huuuuuuuungry. I shouldn’t have eaten my lunch as a snack.”
- “Hey, why is she writing so many things down? I don’t have nearly as many things written down.”
- “I need to make an appointment to get my eyebrows done.”
- “My right boob itches. How can I scratch it with anyone noticing? Okay, here I go…..CRAP. Did she just see me do that?”
- “Seriously, what the hell is she writing over there? He’s not saying anything of importance!”
- “AH! I think a bug just flew in my mouth. Be cool. Be cool.”
- “I wonder if anyone knows that I’m not taking notes, and I’m writing this instead?”
- “What is love, oh baby, don’t huuuurt me, don’t huuuurt me no more. Don’t huuuurt me, don’t huuuurt me. I want no other, no other lover. This is your life, our time. When we are together, I need you foreeeeeeeeeever, is it love?” (that song still kicks ass after all of these years)
- “Who farted? Oh god, I hope some rogue fart doesn’t slip out of me.”
- “I wonder how many of these people are doing kegels right now?”
- “Okay, focus!”
- “I’m hungry, seriously. I wonder if it would be rude to excuse myself and pretend to go to the bathroom, but eat a snack instead.”
- “How long have I been asleep with my eyes open?”
- “YAY! It’s OVER!”
I always love the illustrations Lauren over at Viciously Sweet creates for her posts, and thought I’d try my hand at creating one. I present to you, Professional Jen:
Credit: Inspired by Lauren at Viciously Sweet
Sips of Jen and Tonic 
I just read this and oh jeez hanks for putting that song in my head .. have you seen One night at the Roxbury ?? Me and my mate used to do that scene anyway 😉
HA! I used to do that too!!! It’s such a classic movie scene.
I empathize with your list on so many levels. I always feel the need to laugh uncontrollably (for no reason) in meetings! When the shoulder shaking starts, cheek biting and looking at my lap never seem to help. I’ll have to think of all those St. Jude infomercials I watched as a kid. Thanks for the tip! Btw, Sweet Mother sent me.
Yes! Those commercials have the same affect on me. You instantly just go to the land of the depressed.
Thanks for stopping by 🙂
You are soo funny – I absolutely love your posts! 🙂
Good to see you on WordPress 🙂 I’m glad you liked this post!
Love the way your brain works, Jen. Funnnnyyyy reading, thanks!
Glad you enjoyed it 🙂
I work from home and my meetings go something like this:
Me: We’re meeting today to discuss bathroom etiquette. This applies to everyone — no more drinking out of the toilet. Is that clear?
Dog: [head cocked to side] ???
Me: Meeting is adjourned.
it sounds like your dog is sucking up to management!
I can totally relate. And because you do these things I KNOW you are cool. I am so not talkative during meetings. I am the veeeery quiet type, but then when the meeting ends I start talking and my coworkers probably wonder why I never say anything at all. Its because meetings suck!!! So yay for your thoughts!
I’m not talkative during meetings either. Partially because I don’t have anything to contribute, and partially because I’m never 100% paying attention. I PRAY I’m never called on.
Love your blog and your art! Excellent work! I join you in the Meetings Suck fan club. Don’t see the point in meeting about working when the reason I go to work in the first place is to work and not meet. Or meet to plan other meetings. My notes are typically doodles. Once, I actually fell asleep during a meeting with the VP of Human Resources at a rather large and prestigious university here in Atlanta. She just kept rambling on about who knows what. She said, “Lisa, wake up.” I said, “VP, stop being so damn boring!” Have a great weekend!
Your response made me laugh out loud! You should share some of your meeting doodles. it would be interesting to compare notes and see if our minds go to the same place.
This was many years ago so I no longer have them. I remember sitting in one meeting drawing a sort of stick figure-y character of this completely pompous windbag who would not shut up with a noose around his neck. I vaguely recall drawing a dancing mummy once. OH! And I remember one meeting where the lady sitting next to me started writing comments down the side of her legal pad for me to read (about how ridiculous this particular meeting was), which of course, required I comment back and we got so tickled we had to excuse ourselves. That was fun!
YES! A “meeting buddy” is the only way to go. There are some people I absolutely cannot look at during a meeting because we’ll give each other a knowing glance, and I’ll totally lose it.
And your doodles sound amazing. Way better than anything I’ve ever come up with.
Meeting buddies are absolutely necessary! Everyone should have one. Didn’t say my doodles were good lol…but they were entertaining!
HAHAHA – great post! Great doodle, too!
When I worked in advertising, we had a FULL DAY meeting (with clients) and I ACTUALLY fell asleep around 2pm. For like, a good 10min. And then I quit.
A FULL DAY meeting? Dear god, no wonder you quit.
I’m starting to believe we may also have been separated at birth. And our parents loved the name Jen so much they gave it to both of us. LOL.
I also have zero desire to climb the corporate ladder and avoid meetings as much as possible. And what IS it that people are scribbling furiously as if their life depended on it? Whatevs.
I have had people fall asleep on me when I’ve given a presentation. And instead of being angry about it, I just wish it was me. So I let them get away with it.
I really believe we WERE separated at birth! Jen must have been the name that was given to really AWESOME people 😉
I think some people take tons of notes just to anger/confuse/scare other people in the meeting. Although, what if they’re not taking notes, and are writing articles like I am!?
When I was in banking that is how I was in meetings — now as a social worker we are allowed to argue and discuss things so there is constant drama. I often wish I could go back to the boring banking meetings 😀
Yeah, I can totally see how the boring nature of a business meeting could be a sweet relief from arguing with overly opinionated individuals.
I worked at a collective bakery for about a year. Every 3 months they’d have a staff meeting which one was obligated to attend. I don’t exaggerate when I say those were among the most excruciatingly boring minutes I spent in my life, equal only to those I experienced during my school days. Nothing of course ever get done, which I think is the purpose of those kind of meetings anyway.
Sometimes I wonder if these meetings are a test of how much we want to keep the job. If we’re willing to sit through one, we must be committed.
Did I just really inspire something?
I feel like an ultimate champion today!
Also I love that doodle, it makes me feel like bursting into dance while “99 luftballoons” plays in the background!
Yes! You totally inspired me 🙂 Mine isn’t nearly as good as yours are, but a girl can dream.
SINGS LOUDLY: “Ninety-nine red balloons, floating in the summer sky. Panic bells, it’s a red alert. There’s something here from somewhere else.”
Wow. I just usually pretend coworkers (who are paying attention) are thinking things to each other, even if they’re not friends. Stare at Jane and Bob across the table. Jane is scribbling notes on her hoity-toity leatherbound pad (paper is paper, biotch!) and Bob is nodding, but his eyes have glazed over and he slowly reaches up to pick his nose, unaware that he is doing so.
Bob: I wonder if Skip has any more Doritos. We should totally play XBox later.
Jane: A circle…a rectangle….a feather…TA DA– SNOWMAN!
Bob, noticing he’s in a room full of people: Hmm…I wonder if Jane would go out with me. Look how she’s trying to hard to pretend she doesn’t know i’m here.
Jane: (humming) lalalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Bob: Her mouth is so cute. I love the way she’s biting on her lip. Oh yeah. SHE WANTS ME.
Jane: dadadadadadadaaaa *scribble scribble* Oh hell I forgot fabric softener when I went to the store at lunch.
Bob: See how she picked up her head when I looked at her? She’s pretending to listen, but really? She picked up her head right when I looked at her….she’s DRAWN to me.
Jane: *scribble* Oh crap and I have to call the garage for an oil change. CRAP CRAP CRAP
Bob: Yeah…I’ve still got it. (leans back in chair)
I think that scenario could apply to dating as well! I think I’ve been on many dates like this….usually I’m the one who thinks I have all the moves, and he’s just thinking, “She has something in her teeth, and her laugh freaks me out.”
Hahaha!! This is COMIC Material 😀 I can’t stop laughing here and everyone thinks I’m crazy (nothing really new, but every time they get this reality hit that I am not normal) With every sentence I saw your face in my head. I wish I was there to see it for real haha. Okay, maybe that wouldn’t be wise as I wouldn’t be able to stop laughing.
Seriously, I want a t-shirt from you. Groupie for Life here. Can you feel my serious stare? Can you?
OH! I LOVE your doodle!!
*continues staring*
Ah, thanks! I was hoping you would 😉
Seriously, I just sit there trying to look like I’m paying attention: lots of nodding, raising my eyebrows as if something is interesting, and a stupid smile on my face. When a yawn comes on I try to do it without opening my mouth. I bet I look so stupid.
I should make t-shirts! You will design them, of course 😉
This is great – now next time you have a meeting try not to think about certain movie scenes like I do ALL THE TIME. 🙂
AH! Now that you’ve put this in my head I’m going to!!!