No Thanks

28 Nov

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. I’d like to think it’s because of the time spent with family eating good food, and giving thanks. It’s actually because I was born on Thanksgiving the year I was born, and I enjoy focusing on things relating to me.

I’m sure there will be several posts today talking about what bloggers are thankful for. People will mention their family, their health, their children. All the posts will be beautifully written, and at this point in NaBloPoMo, my brain is in meltdown mode. I can’t compete.

This is why, instead of telling you what I am thankful for this Thanksgiving, I’ll just tell you what I could really do without.

Christmas Music

When most people think of hell, they imagine a fiery inferno that they’ll be enslaved in for the rest of eternity. When I think of hell, it looks like sharing a jail cell with Rush Limbaugh while Christmas music plays 24 hours a day. “Jingle Bell Rock” makes me want to kick myself in the face, and I’m pretty sure “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” is the inspiration for many a serial killer. The fact that it begins playing earlier every year actually makes me think conspiracy theorists might be right, and the government may actually be practicing some form of mind control on the masses.

rush limbaugh, christmas, liberal, satan, humor

Grocery Store Charity

Have you ever been in the checkout line at the grocery store, and the clerk asks, “Would you like to donate to belly button cancer?” There you are in front of your peers, being forced to either donate, or look like the insensitive bastard who doesn’t care about healthy belly buttons. I hate this tactic for a few reasons. One, the grocery store clerks never know anything about the charity so you have no idea if your money is going to a good place. Two, guilt tripping a person into donating is gross, and not in the spirit of charity. Lastly, if a multi-million dollar corporation cares about belly buttons so much, why don’t they just write a check?

Adapted from original artwork by Flickr//WhiteHaus Marketing

Adapted from original artwork by Flickr//WhiteHaus Marketing

The Prius

I love the environment, and feel as though I do my part to lessen my carbon footprint. In theory I should love the Prius, but I just can’t. The moment a person gets behind the wheel of one of these things they begin driving in “Head Up Ass Mode” which is a feature specific only to this car. When I see one a Prius on the road, I try my best to speed up and get around it. You know once you’re stuck behind one you’re never going to hit the speed limit. Prius drivers are always blissfully ignorant, never aware of little things like time, or rules of the road. Ban G.M.O.? No, ban P.R.I.U.S.!

prius, sucks, toyota, humor

What things are you not thankful for this year?

95 Responses to “No Thanks”

  1. daniheart21 11/29/2013 at 10:25 am #

    What a great idea. I hope you had a fabulous Thanksgiving sweet Jen. I may steal this one and link back to you. 🙂

    • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 6:01 pm #

      You know you’re always welcome to any idea you read here, Dani!

  2. lcsoup 11/29/2013 at 10:13 am #

    Totally agree on being swindled at checkouts…feel like such a hater saying no, but giving shouldn’t be full on pressure cooked! Took me a while to think of what I’m not thankful for: Black Friday. Dislike that my family goes all shopping crazed right after Thanksgiving…they say it is a bonding thing, but I would rather bond on another day stress free of the lines and crowds…

    • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 6:00 pm #

      Black Friday has become such a “thing” that people can’t even enjoy Thanksgiving. They are already anticipating going shopping, or clipping coupons, or camping out.

    • jaklumen 11/29/2013 at 6:15 pm #

      I went to Staryucks today, but only to leave some 5 gallon buckets for coffee grounds for gardening, and then bought some donuts for daughter and I for their trouble. They were busy, but they have always been super cool for a few years now, always helped me out.

      Then we went to go housesit for my folks, mostly to socialize their sweetheart of a cat.

      Otherwise I hide on Black Friday.

  3. E. 11/29/2013 at 9:16 am #

    I just don’t like most aspects of Christmas in general. Call me a Grinch (ha), but really it’s a holiday I could do without. Especially the music. *shudder*
    Also, I never understood the point of asking for donations during a time of year when people are already spending exorbitant amounts of money already. “In the spirit of giving”, my ass.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 5:56 pm #

      Salvation Army is the charity most associated with Christmas donations, and they are THE WORST in terms of being a corrupt organization. They prey on people’s guilt, and then squander their donations.

  4. Roni Faida (@thetravelguru_) 11/29/2013 at 5:20 am #

    Glad I’m not the only one who hates to be asked to donate at a grocery store. However, I dirve a Prius, have for 13 years and I promise you I have never had my head up my ass. It’s just a really great car! And Christmas music? It makes me want to punch anyone standing next to me and that’s not a good look.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 5:55 pm #

      Thank you for keeping your head out of your ass while you drive. The public appreciates it!

  5. speaker7 11/29/2013 at 4:43 am #

    I’m so glad I’m not the only who hates the check-out counter donation blackmail con. Yes, I do so desperately want to donate restless leg syndrome so I can put my name on a paper shoe. I usually write “Mrs. Sucker” on it.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 5:54 pm #

      I forgot about the papers that they give you. I often write, “Harry Paratesticles” on it. The cashiers usually catch on, but if I donated I should get to write whatever I want on it.

  6. She's a Maineiac 11/29/2013 at 2:54 am #

    Yes, there is nothing worse then the clerk asking you to donate for a children’s charity then you have to slunk your head down and say no while everyone in line is glaring at you.

    I am not thankful for packaging. especially those millions of plastic ties my arthritic hands have to unwind to free a trapped Barbie.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 5:53 pm #

      What about those tightened zip ties that take an act of god and a hunting knife to undo? I can never maneuver my scissors in there without feeling like I might accidentally slice off my finger in the process.

  7. Daphne Shadows 11/28/2013 at 11:48 pm #

    #2 Yeah – ouch. “Would you like to donate?” Everyone turns to you…. No pressure.
    *headdesk* Can I run now?

    • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 5:52 pm #

      “We have an asshole in Lane 1 who doesn’t want to donate to save hungry children.” They really are only one step away from doing that.

  8. shreejacob 11/28/2013 at 9:16 pm #

    Haha…great twist on the usual Thanksgiving fare! Christmas muzak here started mid’s been going on…non stop. But I’m glad it’s just three days a week that I listen to it…instead of 6 days a week…but then…I will be starting my 6 day week for the next two weeks…so….not good 😛

    Not sure about the USA…but being green in the way it’s advertised…doesn’t work for normal people like us…even organic food is expensive’s like you need to be really rich to get healthy! LOL

    • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 5:52 pm #

      Maybe that’s my real beef with Christmas music– it’s starting earlier and earlier every year. I can do it for a few weeks, but not 10!

      Eating organic is expensive here, especially organic meats. It can sometimes be double what the regular stuff costs!

      • jaklumen 11/29/2013 at 6:10 pm #

        Eating organic is fairly expensive to begin with, everywhere.

        The farmer’s market nearest to me moved from downtown to near the 395 exit out towards Oregon, and prices jumped because they were all organic growers. Bought some carrots on a lark but then realized there’s no way I can pay $4/lb for them ever again… way too poor!

        • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 6:14 pm #

          One of the things I love about the farmer’s market near me is that the prices are still relatively decent. The meat/dairy products are super expensive, but the veggies are still within reach.

          • jaklumen 11/29/2013 at 6:16 pm #

            I shall have to figure out a way to stop by if and when I visit Portland again.

  9. jaklumen 11/28/2013 at 8:30 pm #

    re: Priuses– I am 3 hours northeast of Portland, in southeastern WA state. Priuses exist here, but not many. Drivers are ignorant and rude in general, and what I hate more is someone in a 2 ton pickup truck stomping on the tail of my Honda Civic.

    I test drove one of the early models (and loved it), but, we are poor, and the Civic is what we have. It’s got a salvage title since the last accident (which was not Cimmy’s fault), which we don’t even own outright (that’d be my father, that holds the title).

    • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 5:50 pm #

      Having lived in Washington, I can attest to the fact that the drivers there are some of the worst I’ve ever experienced. Aggressive, rude and generally just lost in their own world.

      Tailgating trucks suck balls.

      • jaklumen 11/29/2013 at 5:52 pm #

        Where did you live in Washington?

        Here, in the Tri-Cities generally, people are just idiots. The greater Seattle area– they’re still aggressive, driving WAY too fast over Snoqualmie Pass, but, they seem to have a better following distance.

        • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 6:00 pm #

          I used to live in Seattle, and now I live in Portland. The drivers in Western Washington SUCK. I’ve only driven through the Tri-Cities so I have no idea what they are like. I just remember a lot of pickup trucks.

          • jaklumen 11/29/2013 at 6:05 pm #

            Trust me, ours suck harder.

            And that’s saying something. But yes, lots of pickup trucks.

  10. Kylie 11/28/2013 at 7:54 pm #

    People who knock on my door to ask for money even though I have a very clear hand-written sign saying “no solicitors.” Then when I point to the sign, they say, “oh, I’m not soliciting.” WTF? (OSPIRG and Sierra Club, I’m talking about you.)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 5:49 pm #

      Does OSPIRG stop at your house too?!?!?! I thought I was on some kind of list.

      • Kylie 11/30/2013 at 12:32 am #

        We’re on the “If the sign says, “don’t knock,” knock list.”

  11. Edee Lemonier 11/28/2013 at 4:45 pm #

    Christimas decorations: for the love of all things holy and unholy, if you can’t hang Christmas lights straight for God’s sake please don’t use the multi-colored variety. It looks like you just tossed the fucking box at your house and whatever stuck, stuck.

    Store: Girl Scouts who harass you outside the store to buy a friggin’ Christimas wreath. Worse, boy scouts who do it.

    Store: I would also like all car owners to become more aware of how far to the right they’re parking, please. I’m not a fucking toothpick, so when you park so close to me I can barely even walk between our cars, let alone get in it (especially when even a skinny friend can’t do it), expect some serious damage to your passenger side. You’re welcome.

    Jen – you rock!!!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 5:47 pm #

      Girl Scouts! I KNOW! There are always 5 or 6 of them, and two perky moms, and I just can’t say no. I am not even sure if I actually like Thin Mints, or I’ve been coerced into believing I do.

      The parking thing also makes me bonkers. My apartment complex has super tight spaces, and people always park right on the line. This forces me to either park super far to the right, or do a special shimmy to get out of my car.

      • jaklumen 11/29/2013 at 6:04 pm #

        So many memories… so glad I am finally able to live in a house.

        But, people can still be like this in parking lots everywhere. And I hate the vain ones that doublepark. Y’know, something like a Escalade or other humongous SUV.

  12. ZakcHead 11/28/2013 at 3:45 pm #

    LOL liberals !

    • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 5:46 pm #


      • jaklumen 11/29/2013 at 6:02 pm #

        Oh no! Hide me! (Wait, why am I hiding from myself? Switching to alternate mode: libertarian.)

        OH NO, there are libertarians along I-5, too! I’d better hide! (Why am I hiding from myself?)

  13. Elyse 11/28/2013 at 3:02 pm #

    It is time for me to replace my car. I want something small and environmentally better than what I have (a Sherman tank). I want a Prius but my husband won’t stop laughing long enough to explain what the problem is. Thanks, Jen. You cleared it up!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 5:46 pm #

      If you test drive one, you have to let us know if it really does impair your driving judgement.

  14. Distinguished Malcontent 11/28/2013 at 2:38 pm #

    The only thing worse than holiday music is when advertisers turn holiday music in to commercial jingles. Do you know how many stores have taken “12 Days of Christmas” and changed the lyrics to be about the products they sell? The number is eleven million. Or something. I haven’t actually counted.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 5:44 pm #

      I would actually watch a “Grandma Got Run Over By Our Honda” commercial.

    • jaklumen 11/29/2013 at 5:59 pm #

      I agree that some of them can sound juvenile and immature, especially the “12 Days of Christmas” versions.

      At least when they rip off pop music, I might have an interest in looking up the song.

  15. Madame Weebles 11/28/2013 at 1:55 pm #

    As a non-driver I don’t really notice Priuses (is that the plural of Prius? Or is it Prii?). But if I did drive, I’m sure I’d want some sort of flame-throwing tank so that I could obliterate them and their drivers (except for Carrie). Christmas music is heinous. Especially so in September. I don’t mind the grocery store donation thing as much, although it is sort of obnoxious.

    I am most unthankful for Axe body spray commercials, slow and aimless walkers, and those fucking clamshell packaging things that are impossible to open.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 5:44 pm #

      Slow and aimless walkers! I know that’s a very New York thing because all of New Yorker friends complain about tourists looking up at the sky, holding up all the city dwellers. Have to admit it used to drive me nuts too, but since living in portland where everyone walks slowly, I’ve gotten used to it.

      Clamshell packaging is THE WORST. One wrong move, and the plastic could crack and cut through your tendon.

  16. Aussa Lorens 11/28/2013 at 1:49 pm #

    I don’t know how any of you have managed to make it through a month of daily blogging– blows my mind! Also: I have to confess I sort of love obnoxious holiday music… I don’t listen to it by myself, but if I’m with someone who can’t stand it then it becomes that much more fun for me to play. AND oh my gosh SERIOUSLY about the donating thing– you always feel like such an arse if you don’t, but it gets crazy expensive if you’re taking $1-$5 onto every single debit purchase! I always feel like I have to justify myself and explain that I DO give to charities and worthy causes but mostly I just grunt and shuffle and look ashamed.

    • jaklumen 11/28/2013 at 8:21 pm #

      I seem to have ignored all the “Mo” trends– NaNoWriMo, NaBloPoMo, etc. because I just can’t grind out my writing like that. Actually, I actively ignore NaNo, but was blissfully unaware NaBlo was going on.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 5:42 pm #

      I’m going to be doing a wrap up post tomorrow where I talk about the pros and cons of daily blogging. I have loved and hated NaBloPoMo equally.

      And it’s okay to like holiday music. I think I’m just really scarred from my days of working retail, and having to listen to it for 8 hours straight.

      • jaklumen 11/29/2013 at 5:57 pm #

        Totally okay. I paid my dues working retail, and also worked in the mall– once for a Santa gig, once for food court. It was 15-20 years ago so I’m sure I’ve filtered much of the holiday noise out.

        At least our local radio stations (especially when Clear Channel dumped ’em) backed off on the 24/7 holiday music. That didn’t stop a local radio guy from starting something online, but… it’s easier to ignore a URL than a broadcast frequency.

      • Aussa Lorens 11/29/2013 at 7:04 pm #

        Oh yeah, retail will ruin the joy of almost anything!!! Those were my bitterest holidays–ha.

        I look forward to the post 🙂

  17. totallytk 11/28/2013 at 1:27 pm #

    I’m not thankful for (and I’m aware of the irony here) the anonymity of the Internet. Basically, it’s bred a culture of jerks. I hereby vow that I will never put anything online that I would not be willing to say to a person’s face. This will be put to the test when I actually get my blog off the ground….

    • jaklumen 11/28/2013 at 8:17 pm #

      Obligatory Penny Arcade reference:

      Seen this numerous, NUMEROUS times. Including during my 10 years in the blogosphere. (10 years? Yeah, I have trouble believing it myself, as it sounds almost pretentious. But it’s been that long, apparently.)

      • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 5:40 pm #

        You’ve been blogging for 10 years? Shit.

        • jaklumen 11/29/2013 at 5:48 pm #

          Yeah. I’m having some trouble believing it myself. But I looked it up again today:
          Started at LiveJournal November 12, 2003, first post November 13.

          • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 5:59 pm #

            Whoa! Congrats!

          • jaklumen 11/29/2013 at 6:00 pm #

            You’d think I’d have more to show for it. Nope, don’t get many comments… in all those years.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 5:40 pm #

      YES! This is a really good one. Looking at the YouTube comments makes me want to hurt people. I love the rule about not saying something here you wouldn’t say in real life. I am like that as well.

  18. omtatjuan 11/28/2013 at 1:05 pm #

    You want to know what makes me think of going nuts in public. Those mom who hold up the line at Staryucks while their 3 year old gets to make up their mind about which pastry they want… The line is out the door and the mom is asking the toddler, “Do you want the bagel with poppy seed or the one with sesame seeds. Like a toddler would really know.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 5:39 pm #

      That actually drives me nuts too! And I think part of it is because the line is so long, and the parent had ample opportunity to help their child make that decision.

      • omtatjuan 11/29/2013 at 5:46 pm #

        This also grinds my gears.. The bank is empty. You walk in and fill out the slip. Some clown walks in and goes right to the teller with nothing made out. Does the teller say anything? Of course not… Even a bank robber fills out some slip. “This is a hold up!”

  19. Carrie Rubin 11/28/2013 at 11:09 am #

    As a Prius driver, I’m an oxymoron. If you see a red Prius whizzing by you in the passing lane, that’s me. And my lead foot.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 5:38 pm #

      Thank you for giving the Prius some edge. I also love that you have it in red. Like an environmentally-friendly race care.

      • Carrie Rubin 11/29/2013 at 5:41 pm #

        Haha, yeah, that’s me. My 16-year-old, however, is not thrilled to get stuck driving it. But it’s old and dinged, so that’s what he gets. I can’t stand seeing teenagers drive fancy new cars. Everyone needs to work their way up. I remember my lemons fondly.

        • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 5:58 pm #

          I went to a private high school, and there were kids driving $65k vehicles the day after they turned 16. Ridiculous.

  20. List of X 11/28/2013 at 10:39 am #

    YES, YES, and maybe. Prius drivers may not be the most considerate drivers, but I’ve never had a Prius tailgating me or cutting me off. They’re just too busy keeping constant speed and direction.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 5:37 pm #

      “They’re just too busy keeping constant speed and direction.” I laughed at this because it’s so true. I guess the joke is on us because their car is helping them save gas.

  21. Becki Duckworth 11/28/2013 at 10:36 am #

    There are so many Prius’s here in Oregon. Everywhere I drive they are taking over the roads!! I also hate that the damn stores can’t close for one day so employes can spend time with family and friends. Stupid Washington Square is open today. My good friend has to work from 6:30pm to 3am.. WTF its ridiculous !!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 5:35 pm #

      There ARE a lot of hybrid vehicles here, and everyone in Oregon already drives so crappy to begin with.

      With all the “support small business” push we have around here, it always surprises me when businesses stay open on holidays. Although, having been to Washington Square many times, I’m not surprised that its clientele would shop on a holiday.

  22. rachelocal 11/28/2013 at 10:09 am #

    Check out charity is the worst!

    And you know what’s almost as bad as Prius drivers? Anyone behind the wheel of a Hummer. They always act like assholes.

    • List of X 11/28/2013 at 10:35 am #

      The guy with whom I share a cubicle at work actually owns both a Hummer AND a Prius! I am not kidding. And he’s, well, not the nicest guy in the world – though I wouldn’t go as far as calling him an asshole.

      • rachelocal 11/28/2013 at 2:08 pm #

        I feel like that’s an oxymoron or ironic or something.

        • List of X 11/28/2013 at 7:51 pm #

          Those cars were both bought with very practical consideration at different times – he bought Hummer to impress girls, then he got married, and really needed to save money on his commute to work. His wife drives Hummer now.

      • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 5:32 pm #

        This guy is going for the King Douchebag award.

        • List of X 11/30/2013 at 9:43 am #

          I hope you can forgive me if I don’t relay that to him – I do have to share a cubicle with him.

    • She's a Maineiac 11/29/2013 at 2:51 am #

      Yes! There is a woman who drives a bright yellow Hummer and parks it smack dab in the road while dropping off her kids at my kids school every morning. She blocks traffic and doesn’t seem to care. Grrr….They think they own the road or something. I have half a mind to ram her from behind with my Loser Cruiser minivan but I’m afraid my car would crumble into dust.

      • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 5:33 pm #

        I really think people who drive Hummers are confusing themselves with military personal. “I don’t like the way this school does their traffic line. BULLDOZE THEM.”

    • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 5:32 pm #

      OH GOD YES. People in Hummers just look like they’re ready to roll over anyone.

  23. becomingcliche 11/28/2013 at 10:04 am #

    Smart Cars fall into exactly the same category as the Prius.

    I am not thankful for Grouchy Librarian. Our conversations go like this:

    “Are you aware of your fine?”
    “Would you like to take care of it today?”
    “No.” (Um, dude, you asked me the same question yesterday. It’s sixty cents. Relax.)
    *raises eyebrows* “Hm.”

    • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 5:31 pm #

      Did you check out porn at the library because my librarian doesn’t like it when I do that either.

      • becomingcliche 11/29/2013 at 5:41 pm #

        When I checked out “Shades of Grey,” I got a look. But they should know the difference, shouldn’t they? It was Jasper Fforde, for heaven’s sake!

  24. donofalltrades 11/28/2013 at 10:00 am #

    Ha, I was just telling my wife that every single time I notice a Prius on the road it’s because the driver has just done something to annoy the fuck out of me. There must be a box you have to check that indicates you’re a fucktard in order to purchase one. Nice job on this monthly writing nonsense.

    • Carrie Rubin 11/28/2013 at 11:11 am #

      Hey now, let’s not be too hasty. My Prius and I love to pass people and leave them in my dust. As I told Jen, I’m an oxymoron. Drivers never expect to see me passing them at 80 mph in my red Prius. Then again, you’re a cop. I probably shouldn’t admit that to you.

      • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 5:23 pm #

        You get your Prius up to 80? You must have broken a land speed record for Priuses, no doubt.

        • Carrie Rubin 11/29/2013 at 5:31 pm #

          I usually drive around 70-73. I was surprised how much more power the Prius has than I realized. Of course, while my slower-driving companions are getting 50-55 mpg, I’m only getting about 43 mpg. The price I pay for speed…

          • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 6:07 pm #

            I guess you could say you live life…in the fast lane.

            I apologize for that joke.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 5:24 pm #

      They do draw a lot of attention, don’t they? Maybe Prius drivers are intentionally driving badly so that all eyes will be on them. Prius is secretly the car of narcissists?

  25. Calamity Rae 11/28/2013 at 9:42 am #

    oh my god. I think I love you. I want to key every prius I see. Tell me you’ve seen the South Park episode in which they address prius drivers. And I NEVER donate to the freaking supermarket donation because of EXACTLY what you just outlined here…and most especially because if that large chain grocery store really cared, they wouldn’t need to ask for more money from me seeing as how I spend a vast amounts of money already in their store…THEY should write the freaking check because I’m sure that I should not be spending $6.00 a pound on grapes. I am going to adopt your post premise for my post tomorrow, Jen. Thank You for keepin it real. =)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 5:23 pm #

      Haven’t had a chance yet to see if you adapted the post, but I’d be happy if you did.

      I agree- why am I the only who should contribute on behalf of the grocery store? Their CEOs are millionaires. Surely they can dip into their stock options and find a few spare bucks.

Sound off on this Sip

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: