Feliz Cumpleaños

26 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 26

Topic: My Birthday


On Thanksgiving Day in 1981, a very pregnant Mexican woman (along with her feathered-haired Caucasian husband) stumbled into a hospital, and gave birth to a baby girl. They looked at her and said, “What do we call this amazing gift to humanity?” They named her Jen and Tonic.

Fast forward 31 years. Today is my birthday.

When I think about being alive for 31 years, it kind of blows my mind. I mean, I’m older than some modern day inventions:

  • Windows operating system
  • Apple Macintosh
  • Disposable cameras
  • Digital cellular phones
  • Viagra (I’m older than dinosaur boners!)
  • High-def television
  • HTTP and HTML
  • Disposable contact lenses

Basically, I’m farting dust these days.

There’s so much pressure to “go big or go home” on your birthday. Everyone wants to know what huge party you’re throwing for yourself, or what bar you’ll be going to with your friends to commemorate the day. These types of events usually end with whiskey on my breath, and crying while “Cat’s in the Cradle” plays on the jukebox.

I killed it at my birthday party last year

So what should I do this year? I know 31 is a stupid age, but I should still try and celebrate it in some way.

Maybe bowling?

Bowling ad, or description of my typical Saturday night?

Getting a makeover?

I’m calling up my local raccoon and seeing if he can help me recreate this

Going dancing?

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

Wine tasting?

Watching a local dance performance?

This dollar bill isn’t gonna stuff itself into your pants, fellas.

Oh, who am I kidding? Here’s what I most likely be doing tonight:

Keepin’ it mad classy


I guess I should thank my mom and dad for making me. Yuck.

NaNoWriNO Day 25

NaNoWriNO Day 27

127 Responses to “Feliz Cumpleaños”

  1. Soul Walker 11/27/2012 at 5:27 pm #

    I hope you had an awesome birthday… or a really great bottle of scotch… either one.

  2. Lyssapants 11/27/2012 at 3:37 pm #

    Happy Birthday!!!!!
    No reason why you can’t do them all…at the same time.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:44 pm #

      I got stuck while singing “Cat’s in the Cradle” and it was all downhill from there. Fun fact: my landlord doesn’t appreciate me bowling in the apartment. Or smoking in it. Or not paying him each month.

  3. UndercoverL 11/27/2012 at 8:03 am #

    I think your birthday means you were conceived in the day I was born. I am 9 months and 1 week older than you, which means I need to start thinking about retirement (can you retire from being a mother?). At any rate, I hope you had a great birthday and I would definitely go to the yard for your milkshake.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:43 pm #

      The two greatest days aligning like that. Could it be possible? I shook my milkshake super hard, but no boys came to the yard.

      • UndercoverL 11/28/2012 at 1:45 pm #

        Oh no! You didn’t milkshake yourself into a sore back, did you? You know, ladies of our age have to start worry about breaking a hip and sciatica. Maybe the boys are just lactose intolerant. O_o

        • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:46 pm #

          DAMN! I’m going to start advertising that I’m using lactose free milk. Thanks for the tip!

  4. nikkix2 11/27/2012 at 6:55 am #

    I just want to tell you that you have ruined my day now,because I am now humming Feliz Navidad over and over in my head because at the beginning of this post I had no idea what Feliz Cumpleanos meant.
    Oh and happy belated birthday gurl! xo muah!!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:42 pm #

      Isn’t that the worst? I hope this comment isn’t a reminder to GET FELIZ NAVIDAD STUCK IN YOUR HEAD AGAIN.

  5. MissFourEyes 11/27/2012 at 2:01 am #

    That is exactly what I do on my birthday. But, you know, in my birthday suit (I keep the socks on though)
    Am I too late? Damn!
    Happy Birthday! Hope you had a great one 🙂

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:41 pm #

      I couldn’t do any of this in my birthday suit. WAY too much jiggling for my taste. Or anyone else’s.

  6. Cathy Ulrich 11/26/2012 at 8:06 pm #

    (Me singing)
    Cumpleanos, Feliz
    Cumpleanos, Feliz
    Felices, Querida Jen
    Cumpeanos, Feliz!

    (don’t know how to do a tilde, sorry)

    Happy Birthday!

  7. Fern DeVilliers 11/26/2012 at 5:48 pm #

    Mixed kids are the best – I know, I have three. Happy birthday Jen.

  8. Viciously Sweet 11/26/2012 at 4:21 pm #

    Happiest Birthday ever Jen! I hope your year is so awesome that rainbows appear when you open the door, and glitter pours from the ceilings of every room you enter!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:40 pm #

      It did! But do you know how hard it is to remove glitter from certain places? I do now.

  9. Brother Jon 11/26/2012 at 3:51 pm #

    Happy Birthday!! I think I may have a gift for you.

  10. jdanryan 11/26/2012 at 3:48 pm #

    Happy Birthday, Jen! I hope your 31st is a lot more memorable than mine was; no big whoops, no major events, but on the plus side no arrest report or lost rent deposit, either…

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:40 pm #

      I did get frisked by an officer. Well, actually it was just a guy I know dressed up as an officer. Same thing.

  11. saradraws 11/26/2012 at 3:46 pm #

    Happy… birthday. Mama’s… vajay.
    Baby… booties. Boys have…. cooties.
    Tiny… kittens. Ate your… mittens.
    Grown assed…. woman. Now I’m… all done.

    (that’s ^ said in a robot voice)
    exes and ohs

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:39 pm #

      This may be the most romantic and wonderful birthday poem ever created for me. You’re the best! XO

  12. speaker7 11/26/2012 at 3:33 pm #

    Your birthday celebration looks an awful lot like mine except I wear even dirtier socks. Happy Birthday, my dear friend. May it be filled with cake and not with dinosaur boners.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:38 pm #

      I got cake AND dinosaur boners, so basically it was a wash.

  13. timmer 11/26/2012 at 2:59 pm #

    Merry birthday. MAKE IT RAIN.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:37 pm #

      All I had were quarters. True story: strippers don’t like it when you throw coins at them.

  14. Bill Friday 11/26/2012 at 2:44 pm #

    So Ms. Tonic… today’s your birthday? Or more specifically, right the hell NOW is your birth minute. It isn’t every day that you get to tell your bestie from another testie just how much she has meant to you over the years. You have encouraged me to do the one thing I want to do more than write… and that is, be “real”. Not easy to do, but I’m giving it my best shot. And YOU lady… are the most “real” example of friendship I know.

    ¡Feliz Cumpleaños!

    I hope you get everything on your birthday wishlist… forever!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:37 pm #

      MY BF, BF! I can’t believe you timed this perfectly so that your post would show up at 2:44. That’s serious dedication.

      I’m so happy that I’ve done for you what you’ve done for me. We make a pretty great team, eh?

      I had a great birthday, but my real presents are coming soon enough.

      Thanks so much. You are awesomesauce 🙂

  15. jiltaroo 11/26/2012 at 2:32 pm #

    Feliz cumpleanos amiga! imagine how funny you’ll be in another 31 years. Your posts are a highlight for me and always bring a giggle to may day. Whatever you choose to do, I hope it is enjoyable. Jen xxxxoooo

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:35 pm #

      In 31 years I’ll be a character on Golden Girls which is pretty much my life goal. Thank you so much for the well wishes 🙂

  16. writerwendyreid 11/26/2012 at 2:21 pm #

    Happy Birthday Jen. You’re still a baby so don’t sweat the age. Your post cracked me up…or down…hell, as long as there’s crack involved somewhere. Have a great one. xo

  17. vyvacious 11/26/2012 at 1:16 pm #

    Happy birthday! I hope there’s cake involved somehow! 😛

  18. GiggsMcGill Jill 11/26/2012 at 12:48 pm #

    Well, I’ve got to add my wishes as well:
    Happy happy happy birthday!!! And you could always go jump out of an airplane with a parachute on or some such excitement for your birthday if you wanted 😉
    And if not – ENJOY that huge-ass glass of wine, cig, and chillin’ on the couch. I did the same on my actual birthday day this year! (Minus the cig. And I drank an entire bottle of champagne rather than a glass of wine – those bubbles you know, they’re just good!)
    And be happy in the knowledge that if all your blogging friends were where you are – you’d be plastered from the amount of drinks we’d buy you ^.^

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:34 pm #

      I jumped out of an airplane, but failed to read your instructions about the parachute. On the upside, I look really good in a body cast.

      And yes, if all the bloggers lived near each other, it would be the kind of party the world could never recover from.

  19. benzeknees 11/26/2012 at 12:36 pm #

    Some of my children are older than you! Happy Birthday Jen! Hope you have the best day doing whatever it is you would like to do – isn’t that what birthdays are all about! And if you have cake – have a huge bite for me because I have a birthday coming up too & I never get cake for my birthday.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:33 pm #

      I had about eight huge bites for you. Lucky for you because I bet your pants still fit. Unlike mine.

  20. twindaddy 11/26/2012 at 12:02 pm #

    Happy birthday!!

  21. Garry Crystal 11/26/2012 at 11:34 am #

    Happy Birthday Jen-O-Fair. Thanks for all the posts you have written this month, they are great to read when i’m sitting bored working, you have been a life (mind) saver each day. Congrats to your parents for having such a great daughter. Hope i’m still reading your blog in another 31 years, when I will be….erm…never mind that. And thanks for that awesome ‘milkshake’ photo…what the f*ck is going on there?

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:32 pm #

      Ah, I’m glad that people are still enjoying them. I just keep thinking, “At what point are people just going to get sick of this stuff and unsubscribe?”

      That picture is of me doing the Can Can. I think I pulled it off.

  22. La La 11/26/2012 at 11:23 am #

    Happy birthday!!!!!!!

  23. Stacie Chadwick 11/26/2012 at 11:19 am #

    Happy bday Jenn! On the bright side, you’re younger than Demi Moore. She’d give every painkiller in her purse to be you. =)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:31 pm #

      I may dance better than she does, but I have always wanted to be a cougar…


  1. NaNoWriNO: The Conclusion « Sips of Jen and Tonic - 11/30/2012

    […] Feliz Cumpleaños […]

  2. House of Cards « Sips of Jen and Tonic - 11/27/2012

    […] NaNoWriNo Day 26 […]

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