Speaker of the Devil

NaNoWriNO Day 21

Topic: What happened to Speakers 1-6?

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I’m not going to lie to you, I have a major lady crush on Speaker7. From the first time I read her I said, “Jen, you will make that woman yours even if it means having to purchase chloroform and zip ties. Fast forward a few months, and she created a twitter account just so she could follow me. Love is in the air!

Despite our budding romance, there is very little that I know about her. She’s a lady and has hair and likes reading smut and might have a car. Who is she? Where did she come from? Her life is shrouded in mystery.

The topic suggestion challenged me to figure out what happened to Speakers 1-6, but I think this was just to throw me off the trail. It is my belief that Speakers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7 are all the same person, and this person is hellbent on world domination.

Speaker Identity #1: Madame Weebles

They’re both foulmouthed. They are both fantastic bloggers. They both attracted me with their animal magnetism. They both have legions of followers who scream like little girls when they publish new posts. I don’t know that the world could handle the sheer awesomeness of two people like this existing.

The resemblance is uncanny

Speaker Identity #2: Tim Gunn

A few weeks back, Le Clown posted on Facebook asking if anyone had pictures of Tim Gunn from his younger years. You know what? No pictures like that exist on the internet because Tim Gunn has no past to speak of. It’s like he was born 50 years old, and instantly began taking over the fashion world. Speaker7 never speaks of a childhood, and no sex tapes have surfaced from her wild college years. She was born 31, and instantly began ruling the WordPress Kingdom.

Speaker Identity #3: LeVar Burton

LeVar Burton brought literacy to thousands of children (okay, just two) back in the 80’s on Reading Rainbow. He encouraged us to take a look in a book and float on a rainbow and believe we could do anything. Basically, it was an acid trip. Speaker7 is a librarian. Or she makes book. Or maybe she just owns a ream of paper? Her blog reads like a hit of Ecstasy with a Ketamine chaser.

Speaker Identity #4: E.L. James

Let’s be clear: Fifty Shades of Grey is a shitastic book about a woman who likes a guy who wrestles her to the ground like a rabid grizzly bear, and then gives her weird sex. It’s also a book about what not to do as a writer. Despite these things, Speaker7 is giving it tons of free publicity on her blog. She has also begun signing all of her e-mails with “Laters Baby, My Twitchy Palm”.

Speaker Identity #5: Anderson Cooper

Anderson Cooper is a sexy, silver-haired television personality who was sent from the heavens above to make the news more bearable. He combines facts and charisma in a way that makes me want to listen to all of the depressing happenings around the world for hours on end. Speaker7 has her Turd of the Week™ series which takes the most frustrating human beings alive, and spins them into comedy gold. My life is meaningless without her turds.

Speaker Identity #6: Hugo

Is Hugo simply a character she features regularly on her blog, or a clever way of revealing her true self?

I ask you audience, have you ever seen all of these people in the same place at the same time? Nope. Speaker7, we’re on to you.

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Thanks to Speaker7 for suggesting this topic. She just can’t get enough of herself.

NaNoWriNO Day 20

NaNoWriNO Day 22

Tags: anderson cooper, Dr. Phil is an anal wart with a mustache, el james, fifty shades of grey, hugo, humor, levar burton, Madame Weebles, speaker7, timm gunn