Credit: "Cheetah" by Jen and Tonic
Awhile back on my Facebook Fan Page I asked my fans if they’d be interested in having me get drunk and take to my computer to write a post for my blog. I was surprised to see that so many people fully supported this idea. Apparently I have fans who are either: (1) alcoholics or (2) people who like to see me humiliate myself or (3) a combination of the two. Whichever category you fit into, I love each and every one of you.
So this weekend I did the classiest thing I can think of, and got drunk by myself. Prior to sipping on $2 Pinot Grigio (again, classy) I was expecting that I’d have a full manifesto completed by the end of the night. Considering I didn’t even have the energy to turn my computer on, that didn’t happen. Thankfully, I had my notebook with me and was able to jot down a few things before passing out.
Jen’s Drunken Philosophies:
- The “10 second rule” should be changed to the “3 days and it smells okay” rule.
- I look like Gary Busey without makeup on.
- “It’s complicated” isn’t a relationship status. It’s an excuse for two screw ups to keep boning each other.
- Sweatpants should be our nation’s uniform.
- Nickelback has to be the greatest prank ever played on us by the music industry.
- There is nothing America should be more proud of than the Egg McMuffin.
- There’s no such thing as “playing hard to get.” There’s only something called “I don’t want you to get me.”
- Cats are assholes, and that’s why they’re better than dogs.
- Redbull doesn’t give you wings, it gives you diarrhea and chest pains.
- My left boob looks like my right boob’s overgrown sister.
- Urf and Turf!!! (I’m not sure what this means but I’m sure it made a lot of sense at the time.)
There were also illegible scribbles which made it appear as though a coked up serial killer had gotten a hold of my notebook. Additionally, I found random doodles which I thought were pretty good at the time, but after sobering up, only reaffirmed that my career as an artist is dead in the water. After this, I took a shower and put myself to bed at a reasonable hour like the old fart I am.
I wish I hadn’t guzzled so quickly because there may have been more to share. I guess that just leaves the door open for a next time…
Sips of Jen and Tonic 
How did I miss this one? I’m inclined to say, “TMI, my dear Jen,” but your musings are way too hilarious. I plan on spending the rest of the evening coming up with a nickname for you centering on your mismatched boobs. 😉
My whole life is TMI!
I think an appropriate name for my boobs is “Ren and Stumpy” but I’m open to other suggestions.
Hilarious! Maybe you should put it all together into a book. And this should be on all of our bucket lists!
YES! I would love for all of us to get drunk, write down our thoughts, and then compile them into a book. Or we could just get drunk. Either way, I’m good.
The 10 second rule … is that for food or men?
Both 😉
–Haaa,
I wrote a blog “Once” after much wine….
I deleted it the next day.
I sounded like the idiot I am :)) ha
I highly doubt you sounded like an idiot! It’d be interesting to see what lurks in the depths of your mind 😉
You are freaking hilarious, loving it, Jen. 🙂
Thanks, darlin’!
Hahaha you are too funny, Jen! I really shouldn’t have something to drink when I read your posts. Now I wonder what will happen in Round 2! Also, I can only think of this “The Adventures of the Doodle Boobs Urf & Turf”
Oooh I wanna see doodles! 🙂
“The Adventures of the Doodle Boobs Urf & Turf” made me laugh out loud! Maybe that’s what I shall call my next post 😉 Doodles will be included!
I nominated you for an award; you’ll find the rules here:http://narcissistsblog.wordpress.com/2012/01/30/this-sht-is-bananas/
Congratulations!
AH! I have the best bloggy friends EVER 😀
Hahahah, you’re funny, drunk or not drunk, funny you are! 😛
The redbull thing makes sense because I call it devil’s pee!!!
I once had 6 cans in a day, I seriously thought i was dying. But that is just because it is devil’s pee!
HOLY CRAP! You drank that many Red Bulls and lived to tell the tale? You need to win an award of some kind, or have scientists study you.
“Devil’s Pee” is a really accurate description of what it is!
“It’s complicated” isn’t a relationship status. It’s an excuse for two screw ups to keep boning each other.
There’s no such thing as “playing hard to get.” There’s only something called “I don’t want you to get me.”
You genuinely make me laugh like no one else. My sides hurt crazy lady! This is easily the best thing I have read all day!
Don’t get me wrong, if people want to have crazy, screwed up sex I don’t care, but let’s not act as though it’s going to turn into a legitimate relationship!
Glad you enjoyed this 😉
Man up. I want your next entry to be about drinking a bottle of spirits (choice is yours) and then getting on Facebook. Let us see the doodles, the last ones, when sober, were pretty good.
HAHA! I should have channeled my inner Garry Crystal and chugged straight from a bottle of Jim Beam. I think I’m getting weak in my old age.
You see my cheetah above. That was one of my BETTER drawings from the night. Trust me, it just went downhill from there. Still, could be good for a couple of laughs.
These were beautiful words of wisdom. Also, redbull is the worst, one time I drank redbull and thought I was having a heart attack.
I used to work with a guy who would drink a 20oz. redbull while he ate 3 Krispy Kreme donuts before starting his shift at 7. I’m pretty sure he had a bionic heart…it’s the only explanation.
What? No videos? So disappointed in you Sharp! There is always next time. Round Two!!
Video? *shudders* I think I’ll leave that for Vegas when the “what happens there STAYS there” protection kicks in 😉
I am going to hold ya to that 🙂
LOL 😀 funny how being drunk brings out all this perspective and clarity. great post. i might try the same sometime 😛 cheers to you.
Everyone is a philosopher when they’ve been drinking! YES! I highly encourage you to write down your thoughts after chugging down a few. You’d be surprised what lurks deep in your mind 😀
Okay soldier, stand up straight and tell that boob who’s boss!!! I can’t believe you didn’t call me in for a consultation on Drunken Two-Buck Chuck Night. I guess there’s always next time… but with Two-Buck Shiraz, and potato chips…
and Spandau Ballet.
It wasn’t even Two-Buck Chuck– I think it was called Three Blind Moose. I fall for those puns every single time! Next time, I’m talking to you first.
Potato chips are hard enough on my system, but paired with Spandau Ballet? My guts will be crying for a week.
Next time you feel like an old fart think of me–I”m so old I had to look up Nickelback to find out who they were . . .
I feel terribly for having introduced you to Nickelback. My sincerest apologies!
Loved this Jen…all of it! I completely dislike cats so have no good words for them. Tried Red Bull once and was awake for days. Cheers to you and doing more posts like this, even if your are boob-challenged in standing at attention. 🙂
I’m having a tiny crutch made for my right boob. We’ll see how that pans out.