“Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll find someone to share it with.”
That’s what a loan officer told me after I had informed her that, yes, I would be attempting to buy a home by myself. There was pity in her voice, and if it wasn’t for the sake of professionalism, she probably would have said, “Whoa. You’re buying a home alone? SPINSTER ALERT!”
Me, apparently
I’ve wanted to own a home as long as I can remember. Some people dream of getting married, of having children, of becoming a doctor. I longed to have a permanent address.
I loved what it symbolizes: stability, family, love, comfort, success. I imagined having a guest bedroom for visiting friends and family, and a fenced yard for a dog to run around in. And while there wouldn’t be the pitter-patter of little feet, I would have a partner alongside me.
My dream has taken a slight detour. My American dream has become an American nightmare.
30 was kind of a rough year for me. I struggled with some health issues, my long-term boyfriend and I broke up, and the place I worked for was bought out, and quickly went down the toilet.
Suddenly I saw everything I had worked really hard for slipping away. Goodbye income. Goodbye partner. Goodbye sanity. Goodbye American dream.
Not to get all Langston Hughes, but what does happen to a dream deferred?
I thought a lot about how I had gotten to that point. I must have taken a hard left somewhere in life to be 30, alone, and possibly jobless in the near future.
As I went through my rolodex of memories, I realized that not having anyone there with me has never stopped me before.
I’ve moved to different states by myself. I’ve taken vacations by myself. I’ve signed for apartments by myself. I’ve gone hiking by myself. I’ve gone to dinner by myself. I’ve gone to the movies by myself.
My entire adulthood has been spent doing the things I want, regardless of whether someone else was along for the ride.
My dream didn’t get deferred, it simply changed.
So yes, I will be buying that house by myself. It won’t be as big, and I won’t have someone to argue about paint colors with. It may not have a fenced yard, but my friends and family will still be welcome. And while it may no longer be the American dream, it will be my American nightmare.
•••
Big thanks to RollerGiraffe for listening to me whine about this, and inspiring me to write this post
Sips of Jen and Tonic 
Hell yes lady – buy that house! LIfe is too short to wait for a boy (or girl), for anything. Good for you : )
Life IS too short. Agreed.
Why would she assume you were worried about finding someone to share it with. Awfully presumptuous of her. Next time tell her you’ve got Samantha Hess (http://www.oregonlive.com/portland/index.ssf/2013/11/professional_cuddler_samantha.html) on speed dial and you never have to lay in bed alone again.
Only in Portland would that be a thing. Love it.
Go Jen! If everyone deferred dreams until the picture looked just “right,” most would never be realized. Further, no one gets to decide what that picture should look like except for you. Buying a home on your own is an amazing accomplishment, and one that not many people can claim. And from experience, I can tell you, buying a house with a partner that isn’t right and then trying to untangle your joint credit later as it all falls apart is annoying. It was two years after my divorce before the note on our home was refinanced and off my credit report. Sigh…I’m proud of you.
Also, as a former mortgage business person, the loan officer’s comments were inappropriate and unprofessional.
Oh, checkboxes about who we are were specifically designed to make us go crazy. I’m glad you’re going after your dreams, Jen– you’ll catch ’em for sure!
YOU CAN’T BOX ME IN
You buy that house!!!! I love “My dream didn’t get deferred, it simply changed.” So, so true. I think dreams very much change. We should tell Langston Hughes this!
Dreams do change. What I wanted ten years ago is not what I want now. That’s the beauty of rolling with the punches. You get a dream you didn’t even know you wanted.
You know my thoughts on this, sister Tonic. A permanent address is not an unrealistic goal at all, and I continue to be impressed at your ability to figure out what you want. You’ll go very far in your life knowing that.
Thanks, J. I’ve always been a very independent spirit, searching for ways to prop myself up in life. I have my parents to thank for that.
Yay, a home owner! At least the loan officer didn’t throw in a few cats as well…
Wishing you the best of luck and heres to 31 being a little more stable 🙂
Rohan.
I would have preferred the cats to the pity!
It’s so rare that I have an opportunity to bring my work into blogging, but that day has arrived. Let me tell you that bitchy loan officer kind of violated Regulation B (Equal Credit Opportunity Act). Marital status is one of the nine prohibited discrimination factors, and homegirl needs to mind her business.
We’re in total agreement about homeownership–I feel the same way about having a permanent address. It’s interesting because my boyfriend dislikes the concept of home ownership for the same reason: its permanence. Did you grow up in a house? I’m curious if it has something to do with the fact I spent all the years I remember in a house, and he was mostly in a condo. When we idly look at places, he generally prefers condos.
…By the way, if you have any questions about the new mortgage rules that go into effect January 2014, hit me up.
Katie, I’m in HR and the first thing I thought when I read the beginning line was, “That loan officer must have violated at least two laws by saying that!” Thanks for confirming!
As for you, Jen, good for you! I think you should still hold out for the fenced yard and the dog though. 🙂
Something I didn’t mention in the post was that we weren’t in the middle of doing a transaction. I went to a seminar for first time home buyers, and she was there advising. That might actually be even worse come to think of it…
My parents bought their house when I was about 5, and I lived there my entire life. It may be why I yearn for that same stability. Interesting that you feel the same way too!
Jen, I love this post. I am reminded of a short film that inspired me to write about the value in being comfortable with aloneness. I have a hunch it will resonate with you too: http://youtu.be/k7X7sZzSXYs
Elin, thank you so much for sharing that video! I had never seen it before. I love that it celebrates being alone because it can be so amazing when you’re finally comfortable with yourself.
Jen, I cannot believe you thought that woman was professional. The comment, in my opinion, is condescending and insulting! I’m sure I would have commented back, “I have my demons to share it with!” or something funny. As Calamity Rae said, “People and their fucking boxes!”
Oh, I certainly didn’t think she was being professional, I meant that she probably would have been even more condescending had she not felt she had to show some decorum.
Owning a home by yourself is regarded as almost as peculiar as going to a restaurant by yourself. “Table for one?? Yes, right this way, you poor dear. We’ll put you at a table here by the kitchen so nobody will notice that you have nobody to eat with.”
I never had a burning desire to own a house. I was always happy to rent. I liked the option to be able to move at a moment’s notice. Of course, I rented the same apartment for 15 years, so apparently I don’t really have much wanderlust.
But right on. You’re looking out for yourself and your own wants and best interests, and that’s awesomesauce.
I think there is a certain freedom coming with renting that you can’t have with owning a home. What if your neighbor sucks? What if the neighborhood goes downhill? These are not easy to fix if you own something. Add to the fact that you don’t have to worry about major fixes, and I can see why renting is so attractive.
I went to a restaurant not long ago, and the waitress said, “I can seat you in the bar area since you’re, you know, alone.” She was trying to spare me the horror of sitting at a table alone in the middle of a busy restaurant.
This is fabulous. Life never turns out looking the way you think it will, if you’re lucky it turns out better that you thought. Let me know if you want a househunting partner. I love looking for houses!!!
Dream on! (oooo there should be song called that)
I feel the same way about looking for houses or apartments! I have been known to frequent open houses just so I can see the insides of them.
Good for following your dream! I am the opposite, in that I don’t want that feeling of permanence yet because I don’t want to stay where I am and don’t know where I want to be yet.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to wander. I think it’s cool when people just sort of drift from thing to thing in life, always seeking the new. I am too anxious and neurotic for that.
If you want to hear something about dreams, take a look at what I just posted.
ZAK! You’re here!
Yes ! (Sorry still figuring out WordPress) thought I would check out your blog !!
Jen you never stop amazing me. Trust me when I tell you that being alone is better than being with someone who isn’t the right person, or staying in a relationship where the love has gone out. I am blissful now but that has happened to me before. Whatever will be will be and I admire you for rolling with it and not letting anything kill your dream. xo
You are so right! Being alone IS better than being with the wrong person. I’m just going to keep moving forward, and someone wants to board the train to Crazy Town with me someday, so be it.
As they say from around my parts, Git-R-Done!
I love that saying.
Independence is a wonderful thing. Looking forward to your virtual house warming party.
I’ll set up my computer, and you guys can watch me get too drunk and do bad celebrity impressions. Just like a real party!
Hurrah! Enjoy the house, and the freedom to make whatever choices you like without having to defer to anyone else’s opinion! When you say your friends and family will be welcome, I assume that encompasses your wide group of blogging friends and family, old and new, near and far, right? So let us know when the housewarming party is and I’ll bring Sloe Gin, and Chocolate Covered Coffee Beans.
You are welcome anytime, VJ. You bring the gin and coffee beans, and I’ll bring the music and sexy party dance moves.
You go, girlfriend. I moved out to Seattle to go to college all by myself, didn’t know a single soul out there. I lived alone for most of my 20s. I had no problem eating alone, going to movies by myself etc. I look back and realize I was really content to be alone, it was adventurous and I had a certain kind of freedom. I was 28 before I met my husband and never imagined myself with kids or a home, yet here I am. You just got to go with it and enjoy the hell out of life no matter what. Good luck with your new home.
I also moved to Seattle to go to college by myself!
I do love that I live my life for me right now. If I want to go for a hike, see a movie, take a vacation, sleep in until noon, I can. When you’re in a relationship you do need to consider the other person in the things you do. Kids just add a completely different element.
GO JEN! Ugh. Her comment rubs me the wrong way. Must we all want exactly the same thing? How boring of a world would that be? My dream is a small craftsman/bungalow with a backyard where Maya and a dog can run around and a big tree longing for a treehouse and a tire swing. If there’s a partner by my side when I arrive at my dream, cool. If not, I’ll be just as happy.
I also want a craftsman bungalow with a yard. They’re out of my price range here in Portland, but I’m still holding on that someday I’ll own one. Hope you get yours one day.
I may be echoing DOAT’s comment, but remember that there are many married people who envy your freedom. Look at it that way, and you can throw it in the face of those of us tied down. Add to that the freedom of NOT having to deal with house issues, and you’ve scored another point. It’s all about the spin, really. But whatever you choose to do, I wish you well. And if you want to buy a house on your own–go for it! My niece just bought her own place all on her lonesome. I’m so impressed and awed by her. (Plus she’s a cop–how cool is that?)
Your niece sounds badass! I think the wonderful thing for women nowadays is that we do have so much more freedom to chase our dreams on our own. The downside is that there are some minds that haven’t quite caught up with that, and then they say stuff that ends up on my blog.
Well, ignorant minds are always good for blog fodder…
Good for you!! I bought a house on my own as well and although it needs some work I still get to call it my own. I had been out of my house for the last 12 days after a wind storm and I can’t even tell you how much I missed being home. Enjoy your journey!!
Thanks! I’m happy to hear from someone who bought their home on their own, and consider it a good experience. I figured it would be, but it’s nice to have that reinforcement.
I love your words…!
Thanks, O! You’re always so supportive.
I like talent… You got it…
❤
There is something to be said about the feeling of *permanence* – with regards to buying a home. I think it’s why I love my home so much, as well. It’s a safety thing. A comfort thing. And I may have had to get a little snarky with the loan officer and said something like ” don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll never get divorced and be left with a mortgage you can’t afford by yourself leaving you in the most embarrassing situation as your neighbors point out in secret that haven’t cut the grass in months (because the mower is broken) and your roof is peeling off *coughbitchcough*. Yeah, no, that was a bitchy and very presumptuous thing of her to say.
and you know…more to that point…so what?…maybe you want to live a life of solitude, what’s it TO HER. This is why I stay in my home and not leave, because I can not deal with people and their fucking boxes. Sorry for the rant!!!!
LOVE it!!!!! I feel the same!
Yeah, that reallllyyyy rubbed me the wrong way!!!
We’re totally on the same page. There is something about having that address that is all your own that makes you feel so settled, and comforted.
I think the loan officer was trying to be nice, but it was an inappropriate thing to say.
I bought my house before I was married and used to do all of those things you talk about. Some people can’t function if they have to do something alone, like my boss, he can’t go to lunch alone and it makes me nuts. I love my family more than I love anything, but I do sometimes miss the days when I could sit on the couch in my underpants drinking beers and tossing french fries across the room to the dog. Enjoy it! You may not think so, but you’re still young and will find whatever it is you’re looking for, probably when you’re not really looking for it. Whatever the fuck that means.
So you don’t do that anymore? Or wait, you throw the french fries to G$, right?
You know, I hadn’t really considered the fact that some married people may miss their space. I guess that’s the way it goes, right? Single people sometimes yearn for a relationship, and coupled people yearn for their single days. It all evens out in the end I suppose.