I don’t typically write serious subject matter on this blog, but a few months ago I wrote about my desire to seek therapy for a myriad of issues I’ve faced for years. A woman of my word, I began going almost immediately.
I don’t like talking to friends or family members about my problems so the idea of talking to a stranger about my innermost thoughts really put me off. Luckily, I found someone totally aces on the first try, and she has taught me some very valuable things in our time together so far.
How you feel about yourself is not a democracy.
I would never have described myself as a “people pleaser” until I started seeing her. Now I can’t believe I never saw it before. In every facet of my life I am living for someone else: at work, in relationships, with my family, among friends. No wonder I’ve spent half my life asleep at the wheel; trying to be everything to everyone is exhausting. Once, when I was expressing anxiety over Blogger Interactive, she said, “Who cares if people end up disliking you? How you feel about yourself is not a democracy. The only person who gets a vote in that is you.” All this time I’ve been basing my self-esteem on what I assume or know to be others’ judgements of me. I’m trying to see that I am good enough as-is, and if someone doesn’t like me, that doesn’t diminish my worth.
The “no fault” effect.
I’ve experienced a lot of anger and bitterness over the years due to what I perceived as people wronging me. If you date me and break my heart, you’re a scumbag. If you hurt my feelings and don’t apologize, you’re a dolt. She has helped me see that a “no fault” mentality can free me from my hostile feelings towards others. There aren’t always winners or losers, nor is there a right or wrong side. Sometimes it can simply be a matter of a bad fit between two individuals.
What would you tell your child?
I don’t have children, nor do I want them, but she has asked me to imagine having one someday. What advice would I give him/her? Would I tell my daughter to base her value as a person on how her relationships work out? Would I tell my son that being afraid of things is a sign of weakness? If it’s not good enough for my imaginary children, it’s not good enough for me. This has helped me see that a lot of my thought processes are dysfunctional, and not ones I’d want the next generation to adopt.
Letting go of expectations.
I am obsessed with the concept of time. I get annoyed when I think someone has wasted my time with their tomfoolery, and I hate when I invest a lot of time in something only for it to go to hell. The Japanese have a form of repairing pottery called Kintsugi (or Kintsukuroi) wherein broken pottery is fixed using gold lacquer. They believe the pottery is now even more beautiful for having been broken. I think this applies to people as well. Instead of thinking that life is always giving me an unnecessary ass kicking, I should think that life is handing me an opportunity to become an even better person.
Going to therapy was a huge leap of faith on my part. I was completely out of touch with my emotions, and couldn’t imagine sitting there and talking about myself for an entire hour. As it turns out, I have a lot to say.
To anyone who is currently in therapy, congrats on taking the first step towards being a more healthy individual. To those who are thinking about it, you should absolutely do it if you have the means. It is worth its weight in gold.
Sips of Jen and Tonic 
Reblogged this on Ventilation.
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Reblogged this on iSUDAN.
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Nice concept and great explanation by you JEN, Lovely post!
Thank you so much ❤
Reblogged this on TheMissedFoodConnection and commented:
Love this post! Mental health is invaluable.
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Thank you for this post – having been hit with anxiety a little while ago – I was completely in the dark on how to cope or where to find help. Friends and family though supportive where also non the wiser. I think that those who read your post and who may find themselves in a position of darkness will find it very helpful 🙂
I hope they do! I was REALLY lost before starting therapy, and the fact that I’m beginning my way amazes me. If I can do it, anyone can.
Nice Post :). I went to therapy some years ago as an experience and it does open one’s mind and helps us understand who we are.
Hey, and I’m a time obsessed person too heheh, because after finishing univ and getting a job time seems to run and it’s something we can’t get back, so spending good times is a treasure, more important than money. Or am I just getting old?
HA, I don’t think it’s about age. I think it’s about the way we live our life. Truthfully, we could all die at any moment so we should be enjoying all the moments we live.
I completely relate to this topic. I to have seen a therapist and she has really helped me realize my short comings. I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and she really helped me figure out how to manage them better. I agree they are worth their weight In gold. She truly helped me in the darkest days of my life.
On a lighter note I loved your article really hits home with me.
I’m so happy to hear that you’ve also found a great therapist who is helping you work things out. Therapy is totally worth it.
I’m a human in recovery so i’m glad I fell over it, I ‘m also training to become a counselor (having been to good and not so good therapists myself) I wondered out of interest, what is it you need most from a therapist as a client? I know what I liked and did’t like about my therapists ,but some feedback would be good. I don’t want to be the counselor no one wants to see….
The things I love most about my therapist are that: she’s great at putting my negative thought patterns into perspective (like the democracy analogy) and she also has a great sense of humor. I love that the sessions don’t feel heavy, and they are full of positive reinforcement.
Congrats on being FPed!! This is such a great post- so honest and out there. I love anything that dispels all the horrible myths about therapy. Most importantly, I am glad it’s working for you and that you found someone you trust.
Having found a good therapist, I feel sad for those who haven’t. I do hope they keep trying because once you do, it’s incredible how much progress you can make.
Absolutely.
Reblogged this on Jules Milano.
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Lovely article. This is also my first time commenting on one. I loved the democracy analogy. Do keep updating if you can 🙂 and good luck!!
This is your first blog comment? WOO HOO! Welcome to the comment club.
I love the idea about updating in the future. I definitely will!
Reblogged this on halfpint4 and commented:
This is a good read.
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Wow, I love this post. I just recently started seeing a therapist because I”ve had alot going on in my life and have noticed a lot of changes that freak me out. I figured talking to a professional would help; I’ve been putting it off for a few years. I must say I’m still kind of iffy on the whole thing and that I in fact, need to make an appointment since the last one was scheduled during my work week (oops on my part). I haven’t really felt better from going yet but after reading this, it’s made me want to make an appointment again for next week. Thank you.
Congrats on taking the first step towards your well-being! Definitely keep at it because I didn’t feel good about it the first few times I went. It wasn’t until I burst into tears on the 4th session that I had a real breakthrough.
Good luck!
There are spiritual roots that need to be addressed in many cases
For some people that could definitely help, yes.
Amazing! Thank you so much for your article! I am a therapist and I got into this profession from seeking help myself – and being amazed at how much it can really help! I wasn’t open minded enough until I got desperate enough… But I am so glad I did, and I have never looked back.
First, thank you for doing what you do. I appreciate those who try to make the world a better place. Secondly, sometimes we need to get desperate before we can accept the help. I’m glad you were able to.
I’m glad you realized that what people think of you doesn’t matter. People can be cruel. One thing I’d like you to understand is that sometimes, you do need to serve others. The main place for this is in relationships. They should be about service and sacrifice on both sides. That is the way that successful and happy relationships work. Good luck with your therapy! 🙂
You’re right, and it’s something I didn’t mention in the post, but we do need to consider others. I think, once you learn how to take care of yourself, the skill to set appropriate boundaries and help others naturally falls into place.
Excellent! Therapy has certainly changed my life, too. Every one of your points resonates with me. I’m five years into it, and am now tackling my toughest issues. Then I’ll be fancy free from all my crap! Sometimes it’s hard to let go of long-held beliefs and behaviors, though. As you say, the no-fault thing is so important, but it’s easy to slip back into being a victim! So much easier to blame someone else than to take responsibility for my own choices and attitudes.
I just always have to remember, I’m the only person I can change, and I’m the one I need to make happy. Nobody else is responsible for that. Keep it up!
And congrats on the Freshly Pressed!
Congrats on sticking with therapy! I’ve found it to be an uphill battle already, but one that I’m ready to tackle. It takes guts to face our innermost demons head on, doesn’t it?
And you are totally right about being the only person you can change. It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job of that.
This pretty much screams me.
Does it? While I wish we shared something other than these problems, I’m glad we found each other.
Reblogged this on The Modern Day Fairy Godmother and commented:
Something to consider
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You’re very lucky to have a therapist you can like and trust. The few times I’ve ever been to counseling, I was stuck with one who thought I was lazy and entitled and would never finish college, let alone find out why. Still working on that second part but thankfully without her “help”.
A great therapist definitely makes a HUGE difference. I do hope you keep trying because I believe there is one out there who is just waiting to help you.
These are things I need to remind myself on a daily basis.
You are not alone in that. It’s good you recognize the need to.
wow, nice sharing. thank you for the good post.
my writings about mental health: http://redboxmedicalplus.wordpress.com/category/kesehatan/psikiatri-psikologi/
Thank you!
I love this. How we feel about ourselves really shouldn’t be based on how other people see us or how you see others, but unfortunately it is hard for people to appreciate yourself just because you do rather than liking or accepting yourself because someone gave you a compliment today (or worse; the other way around). I really like your post and your therapist as well 😉
It’s definitely a balance of accepting compliments, but not basing your entire worth on them.