I don’t typically write serious subject matter on this blog, but a few months ago I wrote about my desire to seek therapy for a myriad of issues I’ve faced for years. A woman of my word, I began going almost immediately.
I don’t like talking to friends or family members about my problems so the idea of talking to a stranger about my innermost thoughts really put me off. Luckily, I found someone totally aces on the first try, and she has taught me some very valuable things in our time together so far.
How you feel about yourself is not a democracy.
I would never have described myself as a “people pleaser” until I started seeing her. Now I can’t believe I never saw it before. In every facet of my life I am living for someone else: at work, in relationships, with my family, among friends. No wonder I’ve spent half my life asleep at the wheel; trying to be everything to everyone is exhausting. Once, when I was expressing anxiety over Blogger Interactive, she said, “Who cares if people end up disliking you? How you feel about yourself is not a democracy. The only person who gets a vote in that is you.” All this time I’ve been basing my self-esteem on what I assume or know to be others’ judgements of me. I’m trying to see that I am good enough as-is, and if someone doesn’t like me, that doesn’t diminish my worth.
The “no fault” effect.
I’ve experienced a lot of anger and bitterness over the years due to what I perceived as people wronging me. If you date me and break my heart, you’re a scumbag. If you hurt my feelings and don’t apologize, you’re a dolt. She has helped me see that a “no fault” mentality can free me from my hostile feelings towards others. There aren’t always winners or losers, nor is there a right or wrong side. Sometimes it can simply be a matter of a bad fit between two individuals.
What would you tell your child?
I don’t have children, nor do I want them, but she has asked me to imagine having one someday. What advice would I give him/her? Would I tell my daughter to base her value as a person on how her relationships work out? Would I tell my son that being afraid of things is a sign of weakness? If it’s not good enough for my imaginary children, it’s not good enough for me. This has helped me see that a lot of my thought processes are dysfunctional, and not ones I’d want the next generation to adopt.
Letting go of expectations.
I am obsessed with the concept of time. I get annoyed when I think someone has wasted my time with their tomfoolery, and I hate when I invest a lot of time in something only for it to go to hell. The Japanese have a form of repairing pottery called Kintsugi (or Kintsukuroi) wherein broken pottery is fixed using gold lacquer. They believe the pottery is now even more beautiful for having been broken. I think this applies to people as well. Instead of thinking that life is always giving me an unnecessary ass kicking, I should think that life is handing me an opportunity to become an even better person.
Going to therapy was a huge leap of faith on my part. I was completely out of touch with my emotions, and couldn’t imagine sitting there and talking about myself for an entire hour. As it turns out, I have a lot to say.
To anyone who is currently in therapy, congrats on taking the first step towards being a more healthy individual. To those who are thinking about it, you should absolutely do it if you have the means. It is worth its weight in gold.
Sips of Jen and Tonic 
Wow…awesome post and thank you so much for sharing.
I loved the lessons that you learned and really like the “would you tell your child this” idea!
Isn’t that a great idea? It really does help me put my dysfunctional thoughts into perspective.
Oh my god can I relate to this. Really good insight, too. I like the idea that “liking yourself is not a Democracy”. Guilty as charged. Pssh, but isn’t everyone like that to some degree? Self-honesty is a virtue.
People-pleasing is a back-breaker for me. It’s a part of almost every facet of my life, and, for as long as I can remember.
In fact, you know, I like your honesty a lot – in all your writing. I wish I could read it all. The first thing I ever read on your blog was a post about Depression, which I found incredibly endearing and open. It takes a lot of fucking balls to go head to head with yourself, rather than pretend like something ain’t there.
Keep sluggin’ away, and if I ever run into you at a Blogger Interactive meetup some day, I’ll definitely raise a glass of something with Tonic in it to you, chicky.
Congrats on the Freshly Pressed nod, and again, well deserved. \m/
I think everyone is a bit of a people pleaser, but I think the difference is how much it impacts your existence. For me, it was BAD.
Interesting that the first thing you read was way outside of the scope of what I normally write. That seemed to bring a lot of people here. Hopefully, when I started talking about farts, people didn’t think, “What is this shit? I didn’t sign up for this.”
And thanks! I do hope to see you at BI one day.
I run into the same problem all the time. I try not to stray from “winner” topics: farts and beer.
dur!
I think a lot of bloggers go through that crisis! I try to stay true to myself, and that means whatever I want to write about I do. That’s worked for me so far.
You know, you always impress me with your self awareness and insight. It sounds like some of that has been due to your work with your therapist, but it wouldn’t have done anything for you if you didn’t have the capacity to reflect and internalize their message to you. It’s a lot of hard work going through therapy. Well done.
I think a large part of therapy is the willingness on the part of the person going. You have to be open and ready to accept the insight otherwise it’s not going to work. Therapy has been terrifying and wonderful and sad and happy. I think that’s a good thing.
All great advice. The no fault rule is good for combating shame as well as finger-pointing. I think I tend to blame myself for a lot of things that go wrong in my life, so thinking of it in this way allows me to let it go. Great post! Thank you for sharing, as I know this kind of openness isn’t always easy. You are good people!
It reminds me a lot of that quote floating around which says, “You don’t forgive someone for them. You forgive someone for yourself.” If you just take a step back and accept that things didn’t have a happy ending, and that’s not a reflection on you, it’s much easier to move on.
Be easier on yourself. You’re an amazing person!
It sounds like you’ve got yourself a good’un. Have you asked her if you can move in with her yet? I’ve been tempted to ask mine if I can sleep on her couch.
Last week when we were talking I actually thought to myself, “Would it be weird if I asked her to Happy Hour?”
The part of this that hit me most was the whole not seeing yourself as a people pleaser. I hear people say that all the time, but the truth is– most people are people pleasers, and it can be damaging if taken too far. It’s one of those things were the first step is admitting it, though. It sounds like you’ve had a really beneficial journey– thank you for sharing some of the insightful highlights!
I think a lot of us are people pleasers as well; I think that speaks a lot to the state of our society. I have definitely taken it too far, and I know that I must start living more for myself.
Brilliant. Shouldn’t put your sense of self-worth in the hands of anyone else.
Never. You’re the captain of your own ship.
I love the part about how I feel about myself not being a democracy. That is amazing, in an Oprah ‘Aha’ kinda way. Thanks!
She has lots of little zingy one-liners. I love her for that.
Your therapist sounds pretty great. I like the “no fault” idea because it is so easy to get wrapped up in wishing some shithead ill will and it gets you nowhere.
I can’t believe how much energy I’ve spent hoping people “got theirs” when I should have been wiping the dust off, and building myself back up.
Jen,
Everything you say in this post is perfect and your therapist sounds awesome.
I needed some help sorting some stuff out several years ago and I found a good one too. Unfortunately I waited until crisis time and spent the first several sessions blubbering like a baby; money not well spent. Earlier is better that’s for sure. For many people, mental health professionals should be sought out annually, like a physical.
“Gotta take a half-day off today boss, going in for my mental.” I like the sound of that!
Red
I love the idea of a tune up! I think that any time is the right time to start therapy. Some people need to get to crisis point before they’re ready to really open up and confront stuff. For me, I was just tired. Tired of feeling like I was missing out on life. I’m glad to say I’m not anymore.
Good one Jen. Your self-concept is not a democracy. It’s not like the Hoff asked anyone if they thought he was a good singer — he just sang! I’m really liking this new you that’s emerging and peeling off some layers of misunderstanding.
That’s true! He just went out there and did his thing. I’ve often said that I like him because he doesn’t seem ashamed of himself even though he has had some less than ideal moments.
If you see the mishaps as intentional, or just swing with them, so will everyone else. No one is the wiser, and that’s the democracy we need more of.
Jen, I love this: “How you feel about yourself is not a democracy. The only person who gets a vote in that is you.” Right! I could identify with this because I feel like I’m always trying to make everyone happy, too. Good for you to spend an hour talking about your needs.
Something I’ve learned is that it isn’t selfish to think about yourself, and your needs. There is a huge gulf between only thinking about yourself, and considering your own happiness. I hope you get there too! You deserve it.
I’m a work in progress, Jen. Always!
Amen. I started 5 years ago thinking ‘I’m not sure what I have to talk about’ and I’m still yapping. The biggest thing I’ve learned – life isn’t a circle, its a spiral. You don’t need to keep doing the same things over and over.. you can change. Even at 40 something…
I love the idea that it’s a spiral. When we did my intake session, I told her that I had come so far, but realized I was in a rut. I didn’t know how to get unstuck, to stop living in the circle as you described above. I’ve felt very unstuck since then.
it might be ‘froo froo’ but I think therapy does really work. I was stuck and while I’ve still run into some old patterns, they get easier and easier to overcome, until they’re barely noticeable.Yay you.. FYI, you’re blog is one of the few I read religiously.. you have chops Jen!
Well done Jen. I’m glad you jumped into the therapy pool.
Me too!
“How you feel about yourself is not a democracy.” Never heard it described that way. L-o-v-e, LOVE, it.
I felt the exact same way when she said it. I immediately wrote it down because I never wanted to forget it.
I am so glad you found a good fit right off. That’s awesome. That makes all the difference. That one about your worth and opinion of yourself not being a democracy… is important. 🙂
Yes it is, especially for someone like me who has been (unbeknownst to me) living for other people her entire life.
Thank you for encouraging others to seek the help of a therapist. Mental health is just as important as physical health.
Absolutely. I was telling a friend of mine that I think of this as an investment, the way people would with a house, their education, or a nice suit for an interview. The long-term benefits are priceless.
Jen, thanks for saving me a ton of money on therapy! As always, great blog entry.
Oh, you’re not giving me $120 for this session?
She sounds awesome – I bet most people could relate to some, if not all, of those things listed there! I particularly like the one about what advice we would tell our children – we often have better standards for others than we have for ourselves. And good for you for sharing it, I know that’s not easy, I’m the same, it’s much easier to be funny and lighthearted isn’t it!
Definitely much easier to be funny. I am extremely out of touch with the way I feel to the point where I can’t really figure out why I feel the way I do, or speak about it when I finally do. She has been so great at getting me to say things that, when they come out of my mouth, I think, “Where did that come from?”
I loved your reference to Kintsugi. Wonderful post.
And by the way, you are such a great person. I can’t wait to hang out with you again!
Kintsugi is an amazing concept, right?
I can’t wait either! You are ALWAYS welcome here, and you live in Vegas which is a premier destination. It might be time for a trip…
It’s amazing what we can learn when we open ourselves up to the opportunity, isn’t it?
I love that thing about “time wasting” — also, I’m a big fan of the word “tomfoolery”, “shenanigans” runs a very close second. I think that big chunks of my anger stem from the whole idea that people are wasting my time (or that I’m wasting it).
If therapy can help me come to terms with the whole time wasting thing, perhaps I should look into it!
Great post, as always!
I’d ABSOLUTELY recommend seeing someone if you have this same obsession. I never realized how much it impacted me until we uncovered why I feel that way, and what areas of my life it affects. It has helped me release so much resentment that has been underneath the surface for a very long time.
I’m no therapist, but I think, at least in my case, I feel disrespected when people waste my time — like they are saying, in essence, “you have no value to me”. I would, however, love to learn how to deal with why I allow others, particularly strangers, to make me feel inadequate. Therapy would, no doubt, be helpful in this area!
Jen, I’ve a long history of “therapy” – currently, I’m out of therapy because I can’t for the life of me find a decent human being here. I digress. I had one great therapist in my lifetime – and if you like your therapist a great deal, keep holding on to that person’s wisdom, as you’ve done. I love the idea of what you would tell your child. Therapists use this tactic a lot, or they will ask about what you would say to your “inner child”. It’s a great tool. Thanks for the read.
Definitely keep trying. As you know, it’ll be worth it when you get there. A lot of therapists do Skype sessions (I just did one with my therapist last week) so perhaps that could expand your options?
Actually, that’s exactly the type of therapy I’m currently looking to engage in. I have agoraphobia and big part of the problem is that I don’t leave my house very much. If I do, I stay in my little safe zone of my small town and there are NO therapists here. I just need to focus long enough and FIND a Skype therapist. That’s awesome that not only did you find a good therapist, that therapist also gives you the option to do therapy via Skype.
Great post, Jen. Wise words and actions. It sounds like your therapist is a really good one and that you were ready to let yourself off the hook.
I’ve made great process, and I owe a lot of that to her ability to understand me as a person, and her ability to challenge my negative thought patterns.
So one thing I didn’t mention at BI was that dealing with all that anxiety prompted me to consider returning to therapy, and I’m currently searching for someone I can afford. I will always be an introverted person, but I firmly believe that shyness and fear of judgment can be overcome. I also have a list of negative thought patterns and baggage that I’d really like to stop packing and carrying with me into every interaction and relationship I have.
Self-esteem is a huge issue for so many, and success or failure not just in personal relationships, but in everything else can rest solely on that concept.
I love this line, “All this time I’ve been basing my self-esteem on what I assume or know to be others’ judgments of me. I’m trying to see that I am good enough as-is, and if someone doesn’t like me, that doesn’t diminish my worth.”
You’re aces in my book (ha, yes, I’m a 100 years old), there is no way to please everyone, and not everyone will click all the time.
Have you looked into sliding scale fees? I think most therapists offer them nowadays to make their services more accessible. I’m lucky that insurance pays for a huge chunk of it.
I’ve learned that being introverted is okay (that way we are energized is different from extroverts) but the shyness is a signal of something deeper. I do hope you are able to discover the you that everyone else sees because I’d hate to think that you wouldn’t share more of it with the world.
There are few that offer sliding scales, and that’s where I will probably end up. I need to check my insurance too and see if they cover any of it.
That’s how I’ve come to think of introversion too, but I call the shyness/introversion mix, shitroverted.
I’m ready to be done with it, even if I have to join toastmasters or some insane immersion therapy to get there.
So happy this one got chosen for FP, lady.
Well deserved!
A lot of insurances cover it nowadays, and all I do is pay a copay. Of course, this is after the deductible. This is why the USA needs to get its act together…
I love that you’re willing to do whatever it takes. Have you thought about doing one of those theater classes? They make you play silly games instead of interacting with people in a traditional way. I don’t have the balls to do it, but maybe you do!
I like the ‘Not a democracy’ line. I must use that at some point.
Genius, isn’t it? I’m sure she’d want you to steal it.
I’m going to use it whether she approves or not, I’m afraid. It’s much too good to miss.
It’s a very powerful concept, and a well written explanation by you Jen, excellent post!
How you feel about yourself is not a democracy. Got it. I like platitudes as well as the next person.Or is it a non sequitur? The proceeding question is “who cares if people end up disliking you?” I would think anyone that wants meaningful relationships would care. I would try avoid the state where not caring is the easiest part, because it gets to be too easy.
The relationship cannot be meaningful if they dislike you, can it? If they dislike you as you are, there is no point whatsoever in trying to adapt to what they perceive as somebody who is in some way ‘more acceptable.’ That way madness lies.
Sorry, I forgot to say that this is not an exhortation to go through life deliberately being unpleasant or determined to piss people off. I’m simply with Jen here, because neither can you spend your entire life striving to please others. You will not please everybody, and it’s foolish to try if in doing so you subsume yourself. So don’t do deliberate hurt, but don’t strive to be all things to all people. That way you get ‘meaningful’ relationships. By the way, the word ‘platitudes’ is a bit dismissive, but since I’m trying really hard to be Mr Nice Guy, I’ll let it go.
If it was dismissive, I’ll offer up DFW as compensation: “the fact is that in the day to day trenches of adult existence, banal platitudes can have a life or death importance.” Or can I quote DFW without sacrificing being dismissive with being pretentious?
I can’t decide until I establish the identity of DFW
(David Foster Wallace) If interested, that line is from his commencement speech “This is Water.” But maybe I’ll stick to quoting Alice in Wonderland for now.
The cat says ‘we’re all mad here.’
You drink decent whisky so you can’t be all bad.