Wax On, Wax Off

18 Sep

I have never made a secret of the fact that I hate dating. I don’t take any joy in the dressing up, the flirting, the awkward first date conversation. The thought of having to dip my toe back into the dating pool is less appealing than getting a rectal exam from Edward Scissorhands.

Just as many women are, I am riddled with insecurities. My thighs are too wide, my nose is too big, and I am sure that my breasts and waistline are slowly trying to become one entity. I look at men’s magazines and see what men want. I’m just not the kind of girl who looks good frolicking in a string bikini at sunset.

One of the things I hate most about dating is the “maintenance” associated with it. We’ve got to keep our skin clear, our hair nicely coiffed, and mostly importantly, our body hair to a minimum. As someone whose mustache could grow to impede my ability to breathe through my nostrils, this is no easy feat.

The most torturous of our follicle upkeep is the bikini wax. I have a pretty high threshold, but even I cannot help but wince at the idea of hot wax being ripped from my chicken mcnugget.

At one point in my life I was much more of a masochist, and kept my Virginia Woolf in check with the use of a waxer. The girl I went to at the time was amazing, but as with all great beauticians, they eventually become overbooked. I consulted the internet, and found a woman who had a slick website, and great rates.

There are some things you should never buy discounted: toilet paper, pregnancy tests, Meth, and bikini waxes. When I showed up for the appointment, I immediately knew something was off.

I walked in, and the receptionist immediately started throwing me shade.

“Who are you? We don’t take walk-in persons!”

“Uh, I’m an appointment person.”

“Tell me who you are.”

“My name is Jennifer, my birthday is November 26th, and I’m a Golden Girls addict.”

She instructed me to “sit down and wait patiently” so I did. The woman who doing the waxing eventually came out, and led me to a tiny room. She gave me a pair of paper panties, and told me she would be back to do the wax. A short while later, the pube stealer busted through the door.

“Lay down and spread your legs.”

I must note that there have only been two times in my life when someone has spoken to me this way. The first being at a gynecological appointment, and the second was the time I went on a date with Charlie Sheen.

She crouched down and began inspecting the under construction site. She gave a heavy sigh, and then began slathering extremely hot wax all over the place. Had I never had this done before, I might have thought the extreme discomfort was normal, but I knew differently.

“The wax is a little hot. Can you wipe it off?”

She craned her neck up and said, “Is there a problem?”

“Not that I’m against having third-degree burns on my vag, but it’s just not the look I’m going for today.”

She completely ignored me, and began violently ripping away the pieces of cloth. This woman must have been some kind of sadist because the more I flinched, the harder she tore.

“Hey! I don’t know if you got the memo, but that vagina kind of belongs to me. I’d like to take some of it home today.”

“I’m just trying to help you. You’re hairy.”

Now she had pissed me off. It’s one thing to destroy my anatomy, but it’s another to imply I had Don King in a headlock.

“Okay, we’re done here. For the record, I’m not that hairy. I once saw a woman in the park whose pubes were peaking out from her running shorts. It looked like she was smuggling a Chia pet in her pants. Also, you suck at this.”

She turned to me and coolly said, “Good luck getting that wax off on your own.”

I had had enough. I turned around, and was ready to bolt…except I couldn’t move because the wax had hardened. I had to resort to waddling out of there like a penguin who had been riding a Clydesdale all afternoon. Trust me, there was tons of attitude in that waddle.

Once I got home I had to use a mixture of blow drying, tugging and divine intervention to get the remaining wax off. A CSI team couldn’t have solved the crime scene between my thighs. I eventually used a blow dryer to melt the wax off,  and prayed the entire time that nobody would walk in and ask me what the hell I was doing.

I haven’t gone back to a waxer since, and have concluded that bikini waxes are for pod people who feel nothing. While it was painful at the time, it helped me learn two very valuable lessons. The first being that you should always get a personal recommendation for something like that. The second, and much more practical lesson, is that gyrating in the sand while wearing a tiny bikini isn’t so bad after all.

127 Responses to “Wax On, Wax Off”

  1. Mrs Finkling 11/07/2013 at 8:10 pm #

    Hear Hear – I recently changed from waxing to sugaring after a similar bad experience – it was awful!!! Best thing about sugaring is it can’t get ‘stuck’ to you!!
    http://finkling.com/2013/07/02/heeding-your-inner-apprehension/

    • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2013 at 1:14 pm #

      I’ve heard sugaring is better, but I’ve never tried it. I might have to look into it.

      • Mrs Finkling 11/09/2013 at 1:49 pm #

        so worth it – and the more you do it the less ‘aggressive’ the re-growth woo-hoo!

  2. Le Clown 10/18/2013 at 11:26 am #

    Jen,
    I would like to send you a personal email if you don’t mind, even perhaps a Skype session, on what are the best practices in waxing your private parts. I have a degree in Being Nosy, and I am confident that I may just intrude in your personal life if you don’t mind…
    Le Clown

    • Jen and Tonic 10/18/2013 at 2:13 pm #

      I prefer to show my pubes pictures of Rick Perry, and scare them off of my body instead.

  3. nobodysreadingme 10/15/2013 at 4:07 am #

    You got off relatively lightly Jen.
    http://www.wattpad.com/21501736-wax-on-wax-off

    • Jen and Tonic 10/15/2013 at 7:16 am #

      Ah, yes. I do remember reading this when you initially shared it with me.

      • nobodysreadingme 10/15/2013 at 7:23 am #

        Did I really? I do apologise. I have a brain like a sieve these days. Who are you?
        😉

        • Jen and Tonic 10/15/2013 at 7:28 am #

          HA! You did on Twitter when the post first came out, but that was nearly a month ago. I can barely remember what happened last week.

          • nobodysreadingme 10/15/2013 at 7:41 am #

            I can remember songs I sang at my mum’s knee from fifty five, maybe more years ago. Last Monday? Closed book to me.

  4. The Hook 10/15/2013 at 3:43 am #

    First you slayed me with: “I must note that there have only been two times in my life when someone has spoken to me this way. The first being at a gynecological appointment, and the second was the time I went on a date with Charlie Sheen.”

    Then you resurrected me and killed me all over again with: “I’m just trying to help you. You’re hairy.” Now she had pissed me off. It’s one thing to destroy my anatomy, but it’s another to imply I had Don King in a headlock.”

    Seriously, I may have pulled something while reading this brilliant piece of writing. Well done.

    By the way, while I haven’t seen the areas in question – I’d never survive the wife’s wrath – I think you’re perfect just the way you are!

    • Jen and Tonic 10/15/2013 at 7:15 am #

      Thanks, Hook. I’ve since given up my quest for vag perfection because I don’t want to date a guy who thinks it’s perfectly normal to mutilate myself.

  5. oldmainer 09/26/2013 at 9:36 pm #

    This is without a doubt the funniest thing I have read in a long time although I enjoy all your posts.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/08/2013 at 4:12 pm #

      I’m glad my story was good for something because it sure as hell didn’t improve my dating life.

  6. Jude 09/25/2013 at 7:19 pm #

    No gonna lie. Just the *thought* of having some hag tearing away at my public region is enough to make me want to embrace my fate as that Crazy Dog Lady and give up trying to find a fella into my particular brand of crazy altogether. Other things I’m not into? Nair (Hellllooo? There’s a forest fire in my lady garden?)

    • Jen and Tonic 10/08/2013 at 4:11 pm #

      Nair is absolutely ridiculous especially because I don’t totally understand how it works. First, you put pseudo acid on your pubes, and then you’re left with a lingering stench of rotten farts. Sounds sexy to me.

  7. Rohan 7 Things 09/25/2013 at 1:23 am #

    Woweee! I’ve often thought of getting a bro-zillian, and so I take this advice very seriously. Do not go cheep on a waxing, duly noted!

    Rohan.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/08/2013 at 4:11 pm #

      Even as a woman I don’t like thinking about wax near someone’s nutsack.

  8. AwesomelyOZ 09/22/2013 at 5:30 pm #

    Greetings Jen!

    I am a newbie looking to interact and connect with fellow bloggers. I came across your blog and found it very delightful and entertaining! I also have a few rules and one of them is NOT to fiddle with the forbidden fruit. She has been nothing but good to me so I choose to treat her with respect, hehe. 🙂 Glad you learned something valuable that day and next time: follow your gut instinct!

    Have a great one and take care
    Iva

  9. writerwendyreid 09/21/2013 at 7:05 pm #

    Ha ha ha….you’re hilarious girl. Chia pet…..hehehe 😛

  10. jargonette 09/20/2013 at 8:59 pm #

    I could not agree with more with your musings on this subject. Unlike yourself, however, I chose the road less travelled and tried the ‘at home approach’. Never again. I walked with a discernible lean for three weeks while my half waxed lady region grew back.

    • Jen and Tonic 09/21/2013 at 3:19 pm #

      ACK! I feel your pain with that lean. I think I HAD that lean after I was out of the salon. I just told people I was testing gravity.

  11. Monk Monkey 09/20/2013 at 2:23 am #

    I dunno who writes mens mags but it aint me. I married a very hairy lady who never has got a …thingy wax, nor wears make up. Be loud and proud!
    PS u funny!

    • Jen and Tonic 09/20/2013 at 4:04 pm #

      Yeah! I’m going to start growing out my mustache and see if THAT will help me catch a good man.

  12. strawberryquicksand 09/19/2013 at 5:52 pm #

    Reblogged this on Strawberryquicksand and commented:
    Oh, readers! I know I just reblogged but this one is HILARIOUS!!! Kinda reminds me a bit of the blog post I wrote about getting a Brazillian… http://strawberryquicksand.wordpress.com/2013/07/25/my-first-and-last-brazilian/

  13. strawberryquicksand 09/19/2013 at 5:51 pm #

    Oh my goodness! What atrocious service!!! I am hoping you embellished for the sake of your blog post, but sadly I think it is all true even if it is presented in a humourous manner. Yes, I laughed at your misfortune!!! You might appreciate my blog post on a similar topic… and have a bit of a giggle at my misfortune, too. http://strawberryquicksand.wordpress.com/2013/07/25/my-first-and-last-brazilian/

    • Jen and Tonic 09/20/2013 at 3:58 pm #

      Just commented, but I wanted to say here that this post is worth a read. PUBE SOLIDARITY!

  14. Janene 09/19/2013 at 11:21 am #

    It’s been awhile, my dear. Dang! I hope you called the BBB. A snatch waxer like that shouldn’t be in business. Yikes!

    • Jen and Tonic 09/20/2013 at 3:55 pm #

      I don’t think she is even on the BBB list. That’s how janky this place was. I should have known. This is what you get for being in your early 20’s, broke, and looking for a good deal.

  15. thoughtsappear 09/19/2013 at 11:03 am #

    Holy crap! That’s scary! I get waxed all the time, and I’ve never run into that.

    Do you think it was a drug front? And she was pissed you actually wanted a wax and had to make sure you’d never come back?

    • Jen and Tonic 09/20/2013 at 3:54 pm #

      Whoa. That sounds like the beginning of a Michael Bay film. I unknowingly become a drug mule, and have to run from the feds while I prove my innocence.

  16. jeanjames 09/19/2013 at 6:38 am #

    I used to wax regularly…and then I got married. Just kidding, actually I got pregnant (then I got married) and went for a wax. No one ever told me you’re not supposed to go for a wax when your vagina is ‘pumped up’ from the hormones of pregnancy. I got all clammy and shaky and thought i might go into labor right there on the table. I made them stop, (remove all the remaining wax of course), walked out and haven’t been back since. So I feel your pain. And as usual I just loved your post.

    • Jen and Tonic 09/20/2013 at 3:53 pm #

      OHMIGOD. I’ve heard that preganancy and waxing do not mix. The hormones make your skin super sensitive. It’s one of the things waxers always ask me, even when I’m just getting my brows down. You poor thing.

  17. michellestodden 09/19/2013 at 5:45 am #

    I’ve never had a bikini wax. I’ve also never had a man say to me, “You should really get waxed,” so maybe that’s why I hold off on spreading my legs for one. A wax, not a man. Although, I don’t have the later because even though I keep saying I’m going to start dating again, when it comes right down to it, I’m like, fuck dating. Bleh. So… Anyway, I think when men see a nearly naked or naked woman they are just thinking, “Yay!”

    I did cringe mightily when I read your bit about your bits. Yikes.

    • Jen and Tonic 09/20/2013 at 3:53 pm #

      You’re right. When I’ve told this story to my guy friends they say that some guys like all of that work, but most guys are happy just to have the opportunity for sex. As my one friend said, “I’m not letting one stray pube stop my afternoon delight.”

  18. becca3416 09/18/2013 at 8:56 pm #

    P.S. You’re my hero.

  19. becca3416 09/18/2013 at 8:55 pm #

    You mean they don’t anesthetize you first? Fuck that. Nope.

    • Jen and Tonic 09/20/2013 at 3:49 pm #

      No! They don’t even give you Ketamine or wine either.

  20. Kylie 09/18/2013 at 8:04 pm #

    Like my daughter LITERALLY just announced, “I just threw up a little bit.” But I only do that in sympathy.

    Also…sagitarrians whose birthdays sometimes overlap with Thanksgiving and who were likely conceived on Valentine’s Day unite!

    P.s. “I just don’t get why there would be vegetables in throw-up. Do I eat too much healthy food?”

    • Jen and Tonic 09/20/2013 at 3:49 pm #

      “Also…sagitarrians whose birthdays sometimes overlap with Thanksgiving and who were likely conceived on Valentine’s Day unite!” YES YES YES! We are awesome.

      • Kylie 09/20/2013 at 8:24 pm #

        🙂

      • travellingmo 09/22/2013 at 3:52 pm #

        I’M ALSO A SAGGITARIAN WHOSE BIRTHDAY SOMETIMES OVERLAPS WITH THANKSGIVING! Sorry for the caps, I was just excited. I didn’t realize there were so many of us out there!

  21. PinotNinja 09/18/2013 at 7:12 pm #

    Hold the bus, Waxie McWaxerson walked out after leaving scalding wax on your hoo?! Don’t waxers take some kind of oath not to do that? Like leave no man behind? I solemnly swear to leave no wax behind.

    If they don’t, then they f-ing should. There should be marches on Washington about this.

    • Jen and Tonic 09/20/2013 at 3:48 pm #

      I actually stormed out on her, BUT she didn’t give me a choice! She was hurting me and insulting me and would have removed my cervix if I let her keep going.

  22. Stacie Chadwick 09/18/2013 at 4:44 pm #

    Jen,

    Have you ever considered the possibility that the woman in the park was, in fact, running with a Chia pet sticking out of her vag? If you stop to think about all the things you’ve seen on YouTube (and by you, I mean me), especially the clips you watch after severalish shots of tequila (and by you, I mean me), marathon pubes don’t seem so strange.

    I always love reading your stuff, even if your stuff was unfairly violated.

    xoxo
    Stacie

    • Jen and Tonic 09/20/2013 at 3:47 pm #

      My mind is kind of blown by the realization that some Chia pants travel by panties. I should have offered her water, and some direct sunlight.

  23. Lyssapants 09/18/2013 at 4:43 pm #

    People are so afraid of hair. It’s there for a reason. Plus, pain sucks. I’m glad you got to keep your vag.

  24. iRuniBreathe 09/18/2013 at 4:09 pm #

    A job done right, as you know, is harder to find than common sense. Or you need a lot of extra cash. Your experience sounds vilifying. I hope this is far past and behind you now. This makes me appreciate married life so much more.

    • Jen and Tonic 09/20/2013 at 3:46 pm #

      Yes, this was quite a few years ago. Thankfully, labias are like starfish and grow back.

  25. Edward Hotspur 09/18/2013 at 4:08 pm #

    Ouch.

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