The first piece of makeup I ever purchased was a cherry flavored Bonne Bell Lip Smacker that all the cool girls at school were using. I remember seeing them applying it during lunch, and envying their newly shiny lips. I couldn’t have great hair, great skin, a great physique or even great clothes, but I could have a cheap tube of carcinogenic lip goop.
Having that little red tube gave me a brief moment of normalcy. When another girl would see me carrying it, there was an unspoken acknowledgment that I momentarily belonged. I belonged. All thanks to flavored Vaseline that cost less than a dollar.
Preteen lip crack
Fast forward almost 20 years, and my love of makeup has only grown. I love the colors, the packaging, the texture, and how it makes me look. Some people collect stamps; I collect makeup.
Anyone who knows me knows that I won’t leave the house without makeup on. Sometimes it’s just a little concealer, powder and mascara, but I need to have some on if I’m venturing out. People have teased me about it over the years, but I’ve never thought there was anything wrong with wanting to be presentable.
As most of you know, I’m in therapy now. The thing about therapy is that you’re forced to confront things you hoped you’d never have to, and things you didn’t know you’d need to. My love affair with makeup is the latter of the two.
You see, I’ve discovered that I don’t leave the house without it because I don’t think I should. I don’t feel happy or confident when I don’t have it on because I’m incredibly plain. Ugly. Weathered. Jen-like. My makeup is a mask I use to look less like myself, and more like others that I am (unknowingly) trying to emulate.
Much like Junior High Jen, I think I must be a certain way to be accepted. Makeup should be fun, like painting a masterpiece on an already beautiful canvas. It shouldn’t be used to cover up your individuality simply because it doesn’t fit in with a standard others may (or may not) have for you.
I am a person with incredible resolve, and when I decide that I’ve had enough of my own bad behavior, I really commit to fixing it. This is why, last week, I left my house without first putting on any war paint. I went to the bank. I grabbed a coffee. I conversed with a neighbor at the mail station. All with a bare face.
I won’t lie, I was terrified before leaving the house. I was completely emotional before I got out of the car and went into the bank; in fact, I almost didn’t do it. Sometimes you’ve got to push yourself outside of your comfort zone if you want to get better. I did just that.
And you know what? It was fine. Actually, It was more than fine. People still smiled at me, they still made conversation, and nobody tried to stone me to death. Jen, regular ‘ol Jen, was good enough as-is.
I’ve gone out twice since then without makeup, and it was easier each time. I stare at my reflection each morning, choosing to focus on what is right about me instead of what isn’t. I’m learning to love the fact that there is only one me in this world, and that shouldn’t be something I’m ashamed of. On the contrary, it’s something I should embrace.
I love the artistry of makeup, using colors and shadows to create various effects on my face. Applying it relaxes me, and it’s the one time in the day that is all my own. I’ll never stop buying and wearing makeup. I’ll just be doing it for the right reasons now.
My name is Jen, and these are my two faces. I’m learning to love both of them equally.
Before and After
Sips of Jen and Tonic 
I love make-up for all the arty reasons, they way it can transform you, the way it looks , the structures and what not. It’s art for the body and you know my love for colors. 🙂 I never wore a whole lot of make-up, simply because I wasn’t really allowed too. First time I really put on foundation was when I went to university. This wasn’t for long though as I don’t like the heavy feeling it can have on your face. I’ve been toning down my use of make-up for a while now. I had to, because I wanted the base, my actual skin to get better. No make up will look good if your skin isn’t healthy!
I’m proud of you! Proud of all the steps you’re taking. You look beautiful on both your pictures! You’re pretty on the outside, but we can’t overlook your inner beauty. It is shines very brightly. Keep on smiling, my lovely!
You and I are such soul sisters. 🙂 I’ve gone without face make-up for a few months now. BIG STEP for me. I wore it yesterday – on a whim – and HATED it.
weird, right? Happy hour soon!!!
You don’t need anything. You look fabulous. Wear only that smile and nothing can go wrong.
took me a while, but i stopped wearing it yeeeears ago. well done.
You look equally beautiful in each photo! I visited a friend last weekend and wore no makeup for three days straight. We even ventured out to stores, and like you said, people actually treated me like a normal human being, not a mutant monster.
(My before and after photo would look quite different than yours. Someone in high school – an acquaintance who was on a sports trip with my team – told me I looked “so very plain” without my makeup. I’ve never forgotten that, so I always try to put on mascara at least!)
Is it wrong that I can’t tell the difference? Let the natural beauty shine through!
Well I for one don’t see a big difference. 🙂 They are both lovely. I enjoy make-up too and I am started to wear it fairly regularly again after a long hiatus. It definitely should be a fun thing. Good for you Jen. psst. I have lipsmackers even now. lol
My makeup-loving sister, you look gorgeous and adorable and fuckable in both photos.
I don’t wear makeup nearly as often as I used to, mainly out of laziness. But I also finally got over the whole “People will hate me if I don’t wear it” thing. It took a long fucking time, though. Especially because people NOTICED when I didn’t wear makeup. The first time I didn’t wear lipstick, one of my coworkers said, “Are you okay? You look like you don’t feel well.” Another time, I forgot to put on mascara because I was running late, and someone said, “You look tired today.” And they were both straight guys! WTF??
Generally, though, I found out the same thing that you did—people were basically the same to you whether I wore makeup or not. Good on you for getting to the heart of the matter, this is great! And you can still wear makeup for funsies!
You are beautiful, and I’m proud of you for the effort you’re making here. Talking about confronting issues in therapy is one thing, but actually following through and making the changes is the important part, and you are rocking it!
Oh, and I loved me some Lip Smacker back in the day. I remember 6th grade–Dr. Pepper was the hot flavor everyone had to have. I was more of a strawberry kiwi girl, though.
I figure, if you’re going to be paying that much money to rip open old wounds, you might as well give it some real effort. Having said that, I was completely sick this morning thinking about this picture being out there. I think that’s growth…or a sign that the dinner I ate last night was bad.
Dr. Pepper Lip Smacker was the JAM back in the day! I think that became popular when I was in 8th grade, maybe high school. Everyone smelled like it.
You are one of the cutest things I’ve ever seen. And surely you can see that you look almost EXACTLY the same in both pictures??? I know exactly what you mean – being without makeup is scary, but it’s only scary because we hone in on our own perfections. You might hate a part of your face, but we can only see that it’s gorgeous 🙂
I think both pictures look like me, but I think I look less tomato-ish in the picture on the right. Also, I don’t know WHAT is up with that strange forehead tan I have going on. The rest of my body refuses to tan, but that one small patch of skin is ready to look like I just came back from the tropics.
And you’re absolutely right, it’s only because we’re super aware of something that it bothers us so much. Other people don’t notice, or don’t care.
Good for you. I still struggle with that. I’ve worn makeup for so many years, I feel naked going out without it. And you look gorgeous!
It is kind of strange how it becomes a part of us in a way. I once joked to my ex-boyfriend that we had to get married because he was the only person who had ever seen me without makeup since I started wearing it. It is kind of like exposing yourself.
You look gorgeous in both pictures. Once you start venturing out without makeup, it gets easier and easier. I rarely wear makeup now in public, other than under eye concealer because I have the worst dark circles. It it’s a big occasion I will slap on some foundation. Otherwise, I’m much too lazy to bother.
I think my dark circles are terrible. I cringed at the thought of people seeing them, but so far everyone has been really supportive. Perhaps your dark circles are only terrible to you? Sometimes we see our reflections in a funhouse mirror.
I too remember the day I first brought my first make up home. My parents couldn’t understand but that’s another story. Excellent writing!
Your parents didn’t want you to wear makeup? Did you still wear it? What a rebel.
You’re fantastic, go get ’em. I felt like I was a kid there with you with the chapstick.
Therapy is so funny because it can “ruin” a lot of habits and ways of thinking (shed a new light on) to make us better and makeup isn’t a subject we consider as something we may have to face. I remember in therapy I once was screaming at my doctor YOU’RE RUINING EVERYTHING. I just wasn’t embracing change, I guess. Poor guy just wanted to help me out while wearing his cat tie and button up sweater. I hope he’s still rocking that cat tie.
I think I’ll write him a thank you letter.
The thought of you screaming at your therapist is funny mostly because he was wearing a cat tie.
And yes, it can feel like your therapist is ruining everything. I’ve discovered I’m a control freak; not in the, “Do as I say or I’ll kill you” sort of way, but in the trying to plan every aspect of my life and prepare for events that may or may not happen. Discovering that made me feel like crap because it’s not who I thought I was. But, there’s some saying about needing to push beyond the pain, or some other nonsense like that.
Dude I am the same. I feel you!
Both beautiful, Jen. And as our Canadian friends would say, “Good on you!”
Thanks, Cathy. I think personal growth looks good on everyone, and the confidence to be yourself is sexy.
Yes, Jen. Personal growth is the best beautifier around!
That is very true.
My mom always told me that women look better with makeup…
I was once told by a boss that makeup is a part of my uniform because I look more presentable with it.
So I rebelled.
I only wear it when I want…which is not often.
Mad props to you for being brave. It’s not an easy feat.
It’s interesting how inundated we are with messages about women needing makeup to be beautiful. I once read an article on “how to look like you’re not wearing makeup in under 30 minutes” and I thought it was absurd. You spend 30 minutes doing something to make you look as though you’re not wearing anything. Even our bare faces are supposed to be perfect, a bad message since that isn’t really realistic. It was a message I bought into.
Good for you! I know a lot of women that hesitate to show their bare face.
I have the start of a make-up hoard. I’m a VIB (very important beauty insider) at Sephora. But unless it’s a special occasion, I don’t wear make-up. …I think it’s more laziness for me than anything else.
I’m also a VIB! How dangerous is that membership? Each time I get a “VIB members, check out this product for the public does” I kind of get excited. It’s such an exclusive club…with 27 million members.
And yes, it is nice to have the freedom to be lazy now. If I don’t want to do it, there isn’t an obligation to.
Both of your faces are beautiful!
Thanks, girlie. You’ll get to see up close and personal at Blogger Interactive. Be prepared.
Just to forewarn you, Hugo is salivating over both pics.
I am scared AND turned on. Is that normal?
You look great either way!
Thank you for the kind words. Much appreciated!
If I tell you I like you more without make-up will you believe me?
Anyway, well done. Great step!
Agreed! It took me a second to figure out which was which until I saw the before and after text. (Don’t kill me!)
Funny how we believe we look drastically different when other people can barely notice.
I’ll believe you. I can REALLY tell, mostly because I’m very self-conscious about certain parts of my face that stand out when I’m not wearing makeup. Of course, we do tend to be our own worst critics.
You pretty lady ooh ooh ooh! (Those are monkey sounds not sexy sounds)
Thanks for clarifying. For a second I was going to ask you if you needed a tissue.
Spent forever trying to come up with a comeback to that. Got nuthin!
I’ve only been following a couple months… Is this a first? Very pretty, great smile!
Oh, this is MOST DEFINITELY a first. And a friend of mine used to say that the best accessory a woman can have is her smile. Plus, I’m sure my parents want me to show off that expensive dental work they paid for.
You are lovely. Thanks for sharing this. And um….if you want, you know… you can just totally send me all your makeup. You know….like, if you don’t want it anymore and stuff. 🙂
There comes a point every now and again when I just get sick of how much I have, and do a small purge. You never know…
Alright people… move along… nothing to see but gorgeous here!!!
And not one damn word about the time stamp!
You already knew what I was going to say.
One word: biased.
Ha! Very nice sir. I concur, of course.