I don’t typically write serious subject matter on this blog, but a few months ago I wrote about my desire to seek therapy for a myriad of issues I’ve faced for years. A woman of my word, I began going almost immediately.
I don’t like talking to friends or family members about my problems so the idea of talking to a stranger about my innermost thoughts really put me off. Luckily, I found someone totally aces on the first try, and she has taught me some very valuable things in our time together so far.
How you feel about yourself is not a democracy.
I would never have described myself as a “people pleaser” until I started seeing her. Now I can’t believe I never saw it before. In every facet of my life I am living for someone else: at work, in relationships, with my family, among friends. No wonder I’ve spent half my life asleep at the wheel; trying to be everything to everyone is exhausting. Once, when I was expressing anxiety over Blogger Interactive, she said, “Who cares if people end up disliking you? How you feel about yourself is not a democracy. The only person who gets a vote in that is you.” All this time I’ve been basing my self-esteem on what I assume or know to be others’ judgements of me. I’m trying to see that I am good enough as-is, and if someone doesn’t like me, that doesn’t diminish my worth.
The “no fault” effect.
I’ve experienced a lot of anger and bitterness over the years due to what I perceived as people wronging me. If you date me and break my heart, you’re a scumbag. If you hurt my feelings and don’t apologize, you’re a dolt. She has helped me see that a “no fault” mentality can free me from my hostile feelings towards others. There aren’t always winners or losers, nor is there a right or wrong side. Sometimes it can simply be a matter of a bad fit between two individuals.
What would you tell your child?
I don’t have children, nor do I want them, but she has asked me to imagine having one someday. What advice would I give him/her? Would I tell my daughter to base her value as a person on how her relationships work out? Would I tell my son that being afraid of things is a sign of weakness? If it’s not good enough for my imaginary children, it’s not good enough for me. This has helped me see that a lot of my thought processes are dysfunctional, and not ones I’d want the next generation to adopt.
Letting go of expectations.
I am obsessed with the concept of time. I get annoyed when I think someone has wasted my time with their tomfoolery, and I hate when I invest a lot of time in something only for it to go to hell. The Japanese have a form of repairing pottery called Kintsugi (or Kintsukuroi) wherein broken pottery is fixed using gold lacquer. They believe the pottery is now even more beautiful for having been broken. I think this applies to people as well. Instead of thinking that life is always giving me an unnecessary ass kicking, I should think that life is handing me an opportunity to become an even better person.
Going to therapy was a huge leap of faith on my part. I was completely out of touch with my emotions, and couldn’t imagine sitting there and talking about myself for an entire hour. As it turns out, I have a lot to say.
To anyone who is currently in therapy, congrats on taking the first step towards being a more healthy individual. To those who are thinking about it, you should absolutely do it if you have the means. It is worth its weight in gold.
Sips of Jen and Tonic 
Hey! Thanks for sharing this! I haven’t read any of your other blogs but I’d totally read more of your “serious subject” blogs if you wrote them! 🙂
This blog is mostly full of crazy stuff, but every once in awhile I write about something more serious.
These posts seems to be really popular:
This is totally helpful for me too. Her advice is so useful to reflect upon and think about what I can do to better my future for myself rather than sulk in my misery.. Therapy wins.
Right? All of these messages are really universal, and things we can all apply to be happier people. Therapy DOES win.
Reblogged this on Speak Through Your Heart and Your Mind Will Follow and commented:
Very interesting and quite true
Thank you!
“They believe the pottery is now even more beautiful for having been broken” – this is amazing – you have awesome therapist by the sounds of it!!
She’s worth every penny…and then some.
Reblogged this on Minimalist Living.
Thank you!
Some of what you wrote remindes me of myself, never thought that I actually live to please others and not myself. Great post!
Something I’ve learned from having this Freshly Pressed, and from blogging in general, is that we’re all a lot more alike than we think.
Reblogged this on travelertobe.
Thank you!
With your words dear Jen – I feel modestly saner – thank you!
Sanity is what we aim for!
It seems as if she has a much better therapist than the one I and one of my friends had. See, I’ve always been really shy and worried about what people think of me, eventually I had a bit of a break down when I had to sing in front of my entire school. So they paired me up with this councillor who later became my therapist. Eventually I stopped seeing her because, even though she was a nice enough person, she wasn’t helping me solve anything. My friend went to see her as well for a while, but all my friend did in her sessions was eat crackers.
The right therapist makes a HUGE difference. I went to a therapist about 10 years ago, and I stopped going because I thought therapy was a waste of time. As it turns out, I had the wrong person helping me.
I’d encourage you to continue to look if you want to see one.
Reblogged this on Life in a Frame.
Thank you!
“How you feel about yourself is not a democracy.” Duuuuuuuuuuuuuude. This was awesome. I can’t believe I’ve never heard this before. I’m not sure about the no fault strategy in theory it sounds awesome, but when in the heat of the moment and hurt I think I’d fall off that wagon. But I absolutely love the rest of the advice. The pottery analogy was a good one I’ve heard versions of it before, it was just nice to be reminded of it. Keep going, you’re getting great advice. And thanks so much for sharing. You totally helped me out. So glad you wrote this one.
That line seems to be a crowd favorite! The simplicity and accuracy of it really blew my mind.
In regards to the no fault strategy, I completely get where you’re coming from. I think that it’s more of a tactic to help you move away from a situation that has hurt you, not necessarily that you’ll have to swallow everything up at the moment it’s happening. At least that’s what I took from it.
Duuuuude. That’s so much better. I totally get that, thanks for explaining it. I’m trying to get on the Zen path and not getting that one was pretty sucky on my part. So thanks. 🙂 Really enjoying your blog. Got to catch up on the rest of your stories 🙂
As a therapist, it’s great to see that people find our services helpful and life changing 🙂
Kudos to you for spending your life helping people. As someone on the receiving end of those services, thank you.
Awesome post…you seem like an amazing individual
Thank you! We all are in our own ways.
Reblogged this on marchloveqh and commented:
Love this and well said : How you feel about yourself is not a democracy !
Thank you for the reblog!
Worth sharing.It ‘s a great article.
Reblogged this on Just read!.
Thank you!
Great thoughts here! I swung by because one of your followers suggested this post to read. So glad I did. These tidbits of advice are great even if we’re not in therapy. Sometimes all we need is to have one major meltdown or struggle, and we feel like we are losing it. Therapy can be a godsend.
“Sometimes all we need is to have one major meltdown or struggle, and we feel like we are losing it.” Isn’t that the truth! It’s amazing how close a lot of us are to our tipping points.
Thanks for stopping by 🙂
Reblogged this on Anything and Everything!!!!.
Thanks for the reblog!
Loved your words! I loved my therapy when I went and found it opened up many parts of my mind as well as my ways of thinking. It is easy to lose ourselves in this society and harder to find what has been lost.
It is easy to lose ourselves, isn’t it? Therapy does tap into parts of ourselves that we never knew existed, and why I think everyone could benefit from going at least a few times.
Reblogged this on Every Night Is Another Story.
Thank you!
i don’t have any kids either but i think the world would be much better if these invaluable lessons were taught to us at a very early age. some of us don’t get it till much later in life.
Completely agreed. How much better would our world be if our kids could go confidently into the world?
Good for you…sounds like you have learned a lot already…the more you progress, the more you’ll be amazed at the person you can be. 🙂
Exactly! It’s an ongoing process, one I’m going to stick with.
Jen, as a 16 year old girl who sighs in shame at 21st century culture’s habit of beating down our self esteem, I can truly relate to this post. It seems like we can’t show our vulnerability without be attacked by others and even attempt to be content with what we have and who we truly are. There is this amazing book called “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown that talks about a lot of the issues you wrote about in this post. I highly recommend it. 🙂
Thanks for the recommendation, I’ll definitely check it out. You are VERY mature for being 16; I didn’t have nearly the kind of awareness you have. Stick with that, and you’ll do great in adulthood.
Thank you Jen! I definitely plan on it. Also, I don’t mean to be a self promoter but I just started blogging and I would really appreciate if you could take a look at my first post and tell me what you think. It’s about how privileged kids (or people in general) are increasingly feeling more entitled and their mentality is deteriorating our society.
Reblogged this on richwebblog.
Thank you!