I don’t typically write serious subject matter on this blog, but a few months ago I wrote about my desire to seek therapy for a myriad of issues I’ve faced for years. A woman of my word, I began going almost immediately.
I don’t like talking to friends or family members about my problems so the idea of talking to a stranger about my innermost thoughts really put me off. Luckily, I found someone totally aces on the first try, and she has taught me some very valuable things in our time together so far.
How you feel about yourself is not a democracy.
I would never have described myself as a “people pleaser” until I started seeing her. Now I can’t believe I never saw it before. In every facet of my life I am living for someone else: at work, in relationships, with my family, among friends. No wonder I’ve spent half my life asleep at the wheel; trying to be everything to everyone is exhausting. Once, when I was expressing anxiety over Blogger Interactive, she said, “Who cares if people end up disliking you? How you feel about yourself is not a democracy. The only person who gets a vote in that is you.” All this time I’ve been basing my self-esteem on what I assume or know to be others’ judgements of me. I’m trying to see that I am good enough as-is, and if someone doesn’t like me, that doesn’t diminish my worth.
The “no fault” effect.
I’ve experienced a lot of anger and bitterness over the years due to what I perceived as people wronging me. If you date me and break my heart, you’re a scumbag. If you hurt my feelings and don’t apologize, you’re a dolt. She has helped me see that a “no fault” mentality can free me from my hostile feelings towards others. There aren’t always winners or losers, nor is there a right or wrong side. Sometimes it can simply be a matter of a bad fit between two individuals.
What would you tell your child?
I don’t have children, nor do I want them, but she has asked me to imagine having one someday. What advice would I give him/her? Would I tell my daughter to base her value as a person on how her relationships work out? Would I tell my son that being afraid of things is a sign of weakness? If it’s not good enough for my imaginary children, it’s not good enough for me. This has helped me see that a lot of my thought processes are dysfunctional, and not ones I’d want the next generation to adopt.
Letting go of expectations.
I am obsessed with the concept of time. I get annoyed when I think someone has wasted my time with their tomfoolery, and I hate when I invest a lot of time in something only for it to go to hell. The Japanese have a form of repairing pottery called Kintsugi (or Kintsukuroi) wherein broken pottery is fixed using gold lacquer. They believe the pottery is now even more beautiful for having been broken. I think this applies to people as well. Instead of thinking that life is always giving me an unnecessary ass kicking, I should think that life is handing me an opportunity to become an even better person.
Going to therapy was a huge leap of faith on my part. I was completely out of touch with my emotions, and couldn’t imagine sitting there and talking about myself for an entire hour. As it turns out, I have a lot to say.
To anyone who is currently in therapy, congrats on taking the first step towards being a more healthy individual. To those who are thinking about it, you should absolutely do it if you have the means. It is worth its weight in gold.
Sips of Jen and Tonic 
Your therapist is definitely a “keeper”:-)) Be encouraged!
I agree, and I’m definitely encouraged by that.
All very wise words to live by. I particularly like “how you feel about yourself is not a democracy!” That will stick with me.
That one seems to be a crowd favorite!
I’ve typed and erased three kickass comments because you wrote a “serious” post and I don’t want to be a douche. I’ll save them for another post I guess. Congrats on the Fresh Pressing by the way. I assume you’ll find a better class of person to associate with than me now and our time together will be short?
Hey, you can post any kind of crazy comment here. This is a safe haven for the sarcastic, you know that.
And no. If you leave me now I’ll NEVER FORGIVE YOU.
Great post! Congrats on being Freshly Pressed.
Thanks!
Love this post to the moon and back ❤ Congrats on taking that step!!
Thanks, Vyvy. I’m happy about it too!
I saw a therapist years ago and it has really helped me. I still am somewhat of a people pleaser but at least I don’t care if “everyone” in the world don’t like me. I’ve come to the thought that “you can please some of the people some of the time, but not all the people all of the time. It’s been good enough for me.
“You can please some of the people some of the time, but not all the people all of the time.” Yes, exactly!
At the cost of sounding repetitive, me too! I didn’t think of myself as a People Pleaser either. But apparently I was. I am, in fact. And then there is the being bad at the Forget/Forgive thing. I did try to go to a psychotherapist but she was more interested in categorizing me and texting so that put paid to that.
But while your advice is good, it’s harder to live by than hear. Will keep trying though!
Definitely keep trying! The path to happiness is not a straight line, and your journey is your own. I think forgiving another person isn’t really for them, it’s for you. It frees you up to learn the lesson and move on with your life.
Wow. Just wow. I really enjoyed this blog. Having been someone who has been on both sides, therapist and client, I thoroughly enjoyed reading what you have learned, what they have taught you, and how far you are coming. Thank you for this. Also a couple things you wrote about really touched my heart where I am at such as: our self worth is not a democracy and sometimes people just aren’t a good fit.
I’m glad this resonated with you in some way! That’s the beauty of blogging, isn’t it?
I hope that you’re able to see yourself for the person you are instead of the person you think people want you to be. I’ve learned life is so much harder when you’re not considering yourself in the equation.
And yes, realizing that someone just wasn’t a good fit freed me up from so many things that were eating at me: anger, resentment, sadness, bitterness.
Don’t knock tomfoolery, it’s a lot of fun. The trick is to instigate it and laugh as loud as you can. It works the abs.
If only I had known. I could have had rock hard abs by now.
Mine are. They are also encased in a protective shield of fat, like packing peanuts around a flat screen.
How you feel about yourself is not a democracy…. spot on. So true.
Absolutely!
Hi, I’m so glad you are taking time for yourself and seeing a therapist. =) Therapy is such an investment in yourself and can help anyone, whether they are experiencing mental illness or not. I am currently in school to become a licensed counselor one day, and I recently started going to therapy as a client to work on my own issues. I truly believe in counseling and I am so happy you are having a positive experience with it.
❤
Christina
http://lifebeinggirly.com/
Good for you for becoming a licensed counselor! It’s also great that you’re going to therapy as well. I think that will benefit you because now you’ll know what it’s like to be on both sides of the couch.
Great post, good perspective and I must say it sounds like you’ve found a great therapist. Just wanted to give some positive feedback, because even if “how you feel about yourself is not a democracy” it’s always nice to get.
Very true! I think it’s great to know that what you’re doing makes a positive impact on someone/something, but your whole value shouldn’t be placed on it.
Your whole value should absoulutely not be placed on other people’s opinion and I think we all need to be reminded of that from time to time. So thank you again for you post!
Reblogged this on seanthekiller and commented:
a GREAT READ
Thanks, Sean!
“Who cares if people end up disliking you? How you feel about yourself is not a democracy. The only person who gets a vote in that is you.”
I love this! I struggle with this issue a lot myself, and I think this is a great message! Thank you so much for sharing 🙂
Definitely a great message, and one I hope you embrace. You deserve to care about yourself.
Jen, thank you for a wonderful post. I’ve never gone to a therapist (can’t afford one, even with insurance), but I’ve found dear, dear friends with whom I could discuss anything, and that has helped me through some difficult times. I suggest that to people who can’t or won’t do therapy – find a heart-deep friend you can talk to. Sometimes, just speaking about our troubles out loud to another person can help us see what we need to do to fix them, see what needs to change in our lives, and how to change them. Most often, though, I imagine, we need permission from someone outside ourselves to do what we need to do. A good fit with a good person can do wonders, whether that person has letters behind their name or not.
You’re absolutely right, friends can be very therapeutic when the circumstances are right. I think a lot of people may be like me, and have an easier time telling a stranger their innermost thoughts rather than their friends. That open dialogue is what really helps people process what is happening/has happened to them Good on you for having great friends, and the openness to share with them!
YES to the first one! When I started therapy, my counselor taught me almost the same thing (except not as witty, I admit.) I had not realized that for 20+ years, how I perceived myself was contingent with how everyone-else-but-myself thought of me. Once I stopped trying to be everything, my life got drastically better. It literally feels like I can now breathe more freely.
It is amazing how much weight is lifted off of you the moment you free yourself from the worry of what others may or not be thinking!
Really really love your honesty here and the strength you had to seek out counseling! More of us healthcare professionals gotta know when to reach out for help as well.
I think even in blogging there is a sense of writing to please others. Do you sometimes feel that? It is a balance! Someone gave some good advice recently when I do/think/act/blog, a set of filters: does it glorify God, does it build others up, does it benefit me? Things aren’t black and white, but I kinda sometimes have to come back to square one and Sunday school concepts!
I do sometimes feel there is a certain pressure to please others. I mostly write humor on this blog, and I often feel worried or guilty when I post more serious pieces like this one. I try and remind myself that my blog is like my home, and I’m inviting other people into it. I can keep it how I want, and they can choose not to come in.
I like the idea of questioning the purpose of someone as a means of getting yourself back on your own track. That’s what’s most important.
Can definitely relate to keeping a unified blog feel and knowing for whom you’re writing…
A fellow writer, she like actually gets paid for her work!, told me to stop writing when it stopped being fun. Easier said than done if you’re working on gaining an audience. At times, I can feel like if something awesome is published and no one reads it, might as well have not been published!
And I would believe you are allowed to write for others until you regain your voice, til you remember you’re writing for your own sanity and maybe the reader can jump on board with that.
Very cool post! ( love the idea of repairing with gold – people can be just like that!)
Congrats and well deserved!
Thank you! People can be just like that, I agree. It’s up to us to fill ourselves with gold.
Reblogged this on abeloa1.
Thanks for the reblog!
Reblogged this on 炙雪的布落格.
Thanks for the reblog!
This is such a fantastic and important post! I love the connection you make with Japanese pottery. There is certainly beauty in rebuilding and regenerating ourselves and much strength to gain from the breakdown.
A friend of mine once said she was happy for her terrible divorce because it allowed her to take the broken pieces of her life, and put them back together into the life picture she wanted.
I’m not sure I would go to a therapist. I am older then most of them.
And well from a t.v. show, Mental, a doctor was told he needed to talk to someone, he said he would talk to the best person he could find, he went into a room alone, shut the door and had a conversation. I agree with that sentiment.
For therapy to work you have to want it to work so of course the doctor wouldn’t benefit from it. I will admit to being a “therapy is for other people” person before I found this therapist. I never realized how stuck I was before I met her, and I think there are a lot of other people out there who might be stuck too and just don’t know it.
I agree you have to want it to work.
I have actually wanted needed someone to talk to myself, and sought out several therapists to talk to,
they seemed young immature an agenda or to build a career on my back. Or simply not smart enough when I was a kid I actually was in therapy, She was the best thing that ever happened to me or the worst.
I found some one to talk to but not at all in the traditional sense.
I think therapy is mutual, a mutual relationship between a patient and a professional. We both can learn, we both need each other, in different ways.
The therapists I talked to had an agenda or a demeaning sort of attitude I felt.
And in my opinion if your searching for an answer a therapy or a therapists. That is most of it right there.
You will find it in a book a religion a spirituality a friendship. Somewhere as long as your searching looking you will find it somewhere some how.
First of all, congrats on FP, Jen! So well-deserved!
When I was growing up (and even now, when I get really down on myself), my mom used to tell me to treat myself with the patience and objective love that I would give to a child. It’s kind of crazy that we have to crawl inside that mindset to convince ourselves that we’re deserving of the best, but it works. Your therapist sounds wonderful. I hope you share this with them!
It is strange how we have to take ourselves out of the equation to realize that our behavior is damaging to a person. We do so much to ourselves that we’d never want done to another person.
I love therapy. I’m know how very, very lucky I am to have found a really incredible therapist on try #2. I’ve got so many issues I keep telling him not to worry, his kids will both be Harvard PhDs by the time I’m done. I go twice a week and the day he pronounces me cured will be the saddest day ever because, honestly, I don’t know where I’d be right now if it weren’t for him.
I strongly believe everybody should give it a go. You know how some countries have mandatory military service when their kids turn 18? I think we should all be sent for mandatory therapy for a couple of years when we turn 18.
Seriously, thanks for your honesty. That’s really hard, and it looks like you’ve opened up a great dialogue. I’m glad you’ve found someone you’re comfortable with and you’ve had success with!
I like the idea of mandatory therapy. I was actually quite surprised by how much stuff I needed/wanted to talk about. Sometimes we’re in our own head too much, and need someone to help us clear out the junk.
I loved that line about sending your therapist’s kids to college. A family member I know often jokes she’s so messed up that her therapist must be excited for all of the exotic vacations she’ll be able to take on her dime.
A friend once told me that everyone should see a therapist once in their lives. Like you, she said it helped her a great deal and she learned a lot. I also like the concept of how you feel about yourself not being a democracy. Thanks for sharing!
I think so too. It’s amazing how much I realized had been below the surface, but wasn’t aware of. Someone else mentioned a yearly “tune up” which is great for those not requiring as intensive therapy.