If you’ve been following this blog for years awhile this week, you know that I work from home. I’ve been telecommuting for the past year, but prior to that, I was part of the daily grind just like everyone else. This was before I started barking at strangers, and considering brushing my teeth optional.
I am not a morning person in the least bit. I was meant to go to bed at 2AM, and wake up at 10AM. Anything deviating from this means you’re not getting me at my best, and by “best” I mean everyone else’s version of mediocre.
This is how my mornings used to look:
- Alarm goes off
- Curse myself for not being born a Kardashian
- Get up and drop a couple F-bombs on my alarm
- Look in the mirror and wonder if science will one day be able to help me
- Wash face/brush teeth/pee while checking Facebook on my phone
- Pick out an outfit that screams “you don’t pay me enough to dress well”
- Head to work vowing to find a rich husband because I’m too awesome to work
- Get coffee because my hypothalamus is bossy as hell
As we all know, routines aren’t fool proof. Sometimes my alarm wouldn’t go off, causing me to run around like a methed up Usain Bolt. I’d be eating breakfast while blow drying my hair while looking for my keys while getting dressed.
One morning I woke up particularly late, leaving me with 10 minutes to get out the door if I wanted to get coffee and still be on time to work. I had just enough time to pee, brush my teeth, slap on some tinted moisturizer, and dig through the dryer for something to wear before taking off.
Despite my blood pressure reaching stroke levels, I was able to calm down once I saw Starbucks in the distance. I knew that I would soon have a caffeinated beverage in hand, allowing for my brain and body to once again work together as a pair.
I walked in, and there were at least 3,000 people in line. I had to decide between getting coffee, and being late to work. I thought about how much they paid me and thought, “They should be happy I show up at all.”
As I slowly moved my way up the line, my pant leg began bunching up. I reached down, and straightened it. Again I moved, and again it bunched up. I shook my leg a bit, hoping it would fix itself. It didn’t, so I shook a little more vigorously.
Do you know what happens when you continuously shake the leg of a pair of pants you pulled out of a static-laden dryer? You launch a pair of ratty, oversized underwear you only wear when your uterus has swelled to the size of an oil tanker into the middle of a packed Starbucks.
PURE SEKS
People saw the miniature parachute, looked at me, and I could feel their pity burrowing a hole into the side of my head. They’d go to work and say, “Some girl at Starbucks threw her underwear around like she was at a KISS concert. At first I thought it was a small pillowcase, but it was definitely a pair of panties.”
My first instinct was to run out of there, leaving my panties as a warning to all oversleepers, but decided to stick it out and get my coffee. It was a long 10 minutes in line.
Later that day I called a friend, and we laughed as I told him about the incident. “Don’t ever let it be said that the coffee at Starbucks isn’t any good. It’s so amazing it’ll rip the panties right off of you.”
Sips of Jen and Tonic 
ROFLMAO. That is all. 🙂
I know, I know. It is a LOL-worthy situation.
wow. that’s pretty darn good Jen. lol I love living vicariously through your misadventures. lol
Better to read about it than live it. TRUST ME.
Your humorous approach to public embarrassment is inspiring. Thank you for sharing the story and the laugh. I enjoyed reading it while sipping my coffee ^_^
Hopefully you were able to keep your panties on.
You assume I was wearing them in the first place…. ^_^
MEOW!
“Despite my blood pressure reaching stroke levels, I was able to calm down once I saw Starbucks in the distance.”
Nominated this for the All-Time Ironic and Befuddling Statement Uttered by a Human Award. You are up against politicians and reality shows stars, so don’t hold your breath.
“Look in the mirror and wonder if science will one day be able to help me”
May shamelessly plagiarize this in the near future as a bribe for the nomination. That none of the mirrors in my house have cracks in them is a physics mystery for Neil deGrasse Tyson to unravel.
Wait. I’m up for an ATIBSUHA award? I can die a happy person.
You are welcome to shamelessly plagiarize that quote for the simple fact that you dropped Neil deGrasse Tyson’s name on this blog.
He’s not just another pretty suit vest.
I once had a bra fall out. A freaking bra. If you saw me in person you’d faint, because how the hell I missed a ginormous over the shoulder boulder holder is beyond me.
An entire bra?! HAAAAAAAA! You could have pretended it was one of those helmets from water polo.
omg those helmets!! hahahahaha!!! probably so!!
That’s why I wear the tightest pants possible to make sure my saggy boyshorts don’t make a cameo appearance while I run errands.
If I have to choose between comfort and the security of knowing my underwear are under wraps…I’ll choose comfort every time.
It’s only a matter of time before that happens to me. And my wife’s panties will be involved. Could be bad, or it could make me a legend at our local Starbuck’s. I’ll let you know.
I think you’d look spectacular in a little lacy pair of underwear.
Yes, I have. I mean would… WOULD!
You are a saucy little dish.
True story that isn’t going to help: I’m a volunteer firefighter and got tapped out in the middle of the night. I couldn’t find my underwear so I wore my wife’s panties. (You need that extra layer of protection. I won’t tell you why I couldn’t find my underwear). In any case, my wife and I now refer to them as her “hot pants.'” Or maybe they’re mine now; I’m not sure. That’s actually about as kinky as I get.
“Cross dressing firefighter saves family of 5”
That’ll be a headline someday.
Haha! And I’ll be the one proofing the headline in our newspaper. Perfect.
Ha! This sounds like something I would do, but somehow–miraculously– have not yet done. 😀
Don’t jinx it.
Hahahaha!
I’m wondering that your hair dryer must really have a long cord…..
I’m sure you’re glad that you don’t need to go to work to be at work 😉
I meant clothes dryer. I am way too lazy to dry my clothes with a hair dryer. And yes, I’m VERY glad.
Frankly, I’m shocked that this has never happened to me, LOL! For the record, there is no amount of embarrassment that I would not endure for a cup of Starbuck’s. No amount. Sad and pathetic, but true!
We should fling our panties into the middle of a Starbucks together sometime.
We should. I’d have to go out of my five-mile radius, though. I’m pretty well-known at most of the Starbuck’s in the area. 🙂