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Real Lessons From Reality Television

24 Jul

I have a secret, Hooked on Tonics. It’s the kind of secret that will prevent me from running for Congress, or becoming one of Puff Daddy’s umbrella holders. The skeleton in my closet is that I am a reality television junkie. I’m an equal opportunity kind of gal which means I’ll watch just about anything, the trashier the better.

Most people think these shows are a total waste of air space, and are killing my brain cells one at a time. While I understand that position, I think those people are missing the little pieces of wisdom hidden in these programs.

Sometimes you’re simply overreacting – Real Housewives franchise

Every fight in in these shows boils down to one overly Botoxed person doing something to another overly Botoxed person, and it being completely blown out of proportion. I get it, it’s difficult to get over things when you can’t fully express yourself because your face is more frozen than a mammoth during the Ice Age. Still, these women fail to realize that they’re experiencing first world problems, and that the only person who thinks it’s an egregious error to show up in casual wear to a dinner party is themselves. Sometimes we all need to realize that “problematic” is a matter of perspective, and not a matter of fact.

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The Golden Homegirls

10 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 10

Topic: Which Golden Girls character would I be, and why?

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It is no secret that The Golden Girls is one of my favorite shows of all time. Scratch that. It absolutely is my favorite show of all time. I was born only four years prior to its debut; lucky for me, I was born a middle aged woman so I was able to appreciate it at the height of its popularity. If you haven’t seen it, I highly encourage you to stream it somewhere online.

Dorothy Zbornak, played by Bea Arthur, was absolutely my favorite character on the series. She was smart, sarcastic and the most masculine of all the ladies. Men weren’t interested in her, and she always had a faint whisper of facial hair. It was like looking at my future.

When I picked this topic, I immediately concluded that she is who I’d be. Sadly, there’s no fun in a quick decision. My blog post would have looked something like this: “I would be Dorothy because we’re both hot messes. The end.”

I decided I’d write about how unlike the other characters I am, thus proving that she is my television soulmate. As I did this, I began to realize there was a little bit of each of the ladies in me. In these instances, the only solution is to go head to head in a points-based challenge. Well, it’s the only solution if you’re an anal retentive nerd like I am.

Round 1: Blanche Devaraux

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All The World’s A Stage

9 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 9

Topic: Actor/Actress who makes me smile, and how I would behave if I met him/her

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“All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players, They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts”

I’ve always loved this snippet from William Shakespeare’s As You Like It (Act II, Scene VII) because I find it to be such a succinct way of describing life. I love seeing myself, or a particular period of my life, in books or plays or movies or songs. It’s like making a human connection with someone even though there is nobody there to have that connection with.

Truth be told, I’ve never really been impacted emotionally by an actor or actress. They make a living off of convincing audiences they are anyone but who they really are. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure some of them are very nice people, but I’ve never had the desire to thank them for playing make believe.

I may not get something from the person behind the character, but I have definitely taken something away from the character itself. I’m not sure why the following quotes are among my favorites of all time. Perhaps they are so powerful that they touched everyone who watched the movie, or it could be that they were exactly what I needed to hear at the time. I just know that these moments, with these characters, left an imprint in my mind.

“I have to believe in a world outside my own mind. I have to believe that my actions still have meaning, even if I can’t remember them. I have to believe that when my eyes are closed, the world’s still there. Do I believe the world’s still there? Is it still out there?… Yeah. We all need mirrors to remind ourselves who we are. I’m no different.” – Leonard Shelby in Memento

“Some people feel like they don’t deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past.” – Christopher McCandless in Into the Wild

“I never realize how much I like being home unless I’ve been somewhere really different for a while.” Juno MacGuff in Juno

“I’ll tell you everything, and you tell me everything, and maybe we can get through all the piss and shit and lies that kill other people.” – Claudia Wilson Gator in Magnolia

“Don’t ever let anyone ever say to you, ‘You shouldn’t regret anything.’ Don’t do that, don’t! You regret what you fucking want! And use that, use that, use that regret for anything, any way you want.” – Earl Patridge in Magnolia

“Instead of telling our young people to plan ahead, we should tell them to plan to be surprised.” – Dan Burns in Dan in Real Life

“I have to remind myself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they’re gone.” Red in The Shawshank Redemption

“…we live or die by the clock. We never turn our back on it. And we never, ever allow ourselves the sin of losing track of time. – Chuck Noland in Cast Away

“…there’s a conflict in every human heart, between the rational and irrational, between good and evil. And good does not always triumph. Sometimes, the dark side overcomes what Lincoln called the better angels of our nature.” – General Corman in Apocalypse Now

If I could thank these characters, I certainly would. My reaction to meeting them would probably be something like, “Um…this is kind of weird. How are you real?” I’ll guess I’ll have to settle for seeing them while I sit on my couch in my sweats.

Now that I’ve showed you mine, you need to show me yours. Which movie characters (or movie itself) stand out in your minds?

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Thank you to Katy from Tired of Previews for suggesting this topic. She’s a movie reviewer, and just got a snazzy new site. Please check it out!

NaNoWriNO Day 8

NaNoWriNO Day 10

Cruise Control Freak

1 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 1

Topic: Scientology and their medication-hating psychologist-at-large, Tom Cruise

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It’s no secret that I hate Tom Cruise. He’s a terrible actor, he marries robots, and his toothy grin looks like it would chew through your soul if given the opportunity. Worst of all, he’s in a cult a Scientologist. I’m no spiritual adviser, but the last time I checked, most religions didn’t require payment plans.

I honestly don’t care that he wants to be part of an organization that has as much validity as a Bernie Madoff investment plan. I think everyone has the right to choose, and if you choose to funnel money into a spaceship built to take you back to the Galactic Confederacy, who am I to judge?

It’s Mr. Cruise’s insistence on opening his mouth and spewing his arrogant, half-witted philosophies that causes me to reach John McEnroe levels of anger. This is a man who chose to star in Rock of Ages, and we’re supposed to listen to anything he says? I’ll take my chances and search for the meaning of life on my own, Tommy Boy.

This got me thinking, what if he had the opportunity to toss his ideas around with some of the greatest minds that ever lived? Would he actually hold his own? Worse, would they find validity in his assertions? I did a little research, and found “sound bites” from sit downs with people who actually knew something about something.

The Dalai Lama and Tom Cruise at The Olive Garden

Word on the street is Plato put Tom in a Full Nelson shortly after this

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Open Letter: Bristol Palin

2 Aug

Dear Bristol Palin,

We need to have a talk, woman to woman. Now, I’m normally not one to get into the lives of politicians’ children because it’s cruel to take shots at people who were thrust into the public eye, but you’re a different story. Ever since your family rode in to the political picture you’ve been chasing the spotlight, and it’s high time you exited stage left.

You recently took it upon yourself to pen a memoir which, I have to be honest, sort of surprised me. I didn’t know anyone in your family was fully literate let alone knew what the word memoir meant. I guess stranger things have happened. You know, like Rebecca Black’s success.

I pride myself on being a fair person so I put aside all of my preconceived notions about you, and read some of the excerpts from your book which were posted online. My mind was blown by the juicy tidbits about your life….because I put a gun to it and pulled the trigger. Only sweet, merciful death could release me from the banality of your drivel.

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