I honestly cannot believe I only have this post and the one for tomorrow, and then the 12 Days of Christmas series is over. I should be flying high! My creative juices should be spilling over! I should be spinning plates on my fingers, toes and nose simultaneously. The closest I’ve gotten to that tonight is when I burped and hiccuped at the same time.
Instead, I’m left with nothing.
Our male pattern baldness is eerily similar
This is how tonight has gone: Continue reading
I’ve come to accept that there are things in life I can’t control:
- People actin’ a fool towards me
- MTV playing reruns of the MTV Movie Awards for 6 straight months after it airs
- My bladder
While driving today, I came up with a great concept for today’s blog. I was going to talk about my family, love, friendship and all that other crap you’re supposed to be thankful for around the holidays. I was going to win awards with this post. The Nobel Prize committee might as well have been polishing my medal (they give medals, right?) Continue reading
My name is Jen, and I’m an addict. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment my habit made the leap from recreational use to full-blown addiction. Maybe it was the time I sat in my car during my lunch hour, participating in my new hobby. It could have been the time I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning partaking in it even though I knew I had to get up early the next day. How does one define these kinds of moments?
My name is Jen, and I’m addicted to internet memes.
I am ashamed, dear readers, because I should have been writing a post for you tonight. I come up with the concept to deliver twelve posts in a row to show my holiday spirit, and now I can’t deliver. Instead of typing feverishly, I’ve been pissing away my night looking at things like this:
Every year when Christmas approaches, I get really excited. Because of Baby Jesus? No. Because of all the presents I’m going to receive? No. Because of the paid day off from work? Nope. My panties get electrified because of the salmonella-laden drink we call Eggnog.
I have a love-hate relationship with The ‘Nog. When I first see this holiday treat decorating the dairy section, I do a little happy dance right in the middle of the aisle. It looks like a cross between the Harlem Shake and the Cabbage Patch. Basically, shit gets crazy at Safeway.
You too can do “The Eggnog” in your local grocery store (credit: Polyvore)
Unfortunately, my enthusiasm causes me to lose my ability to judge how much eggnog I can drink before I want to die. I always go for the big carton, have a couple of glasses, and then regret my decision to purchase so much
buttermilk liquid butter of the raw egg concoction. Continue reading
I’m a sucker for Christmas traditions. Some people string popcorn and hang it on their tree. Some people sing Christmas carols. Some people attend midnight mass. I have fond memories of these lovely Tonic Family traditions:
- Cussing up a storm as we try to figure out which bulb is causing the whole strand to blackout
- Having tree sap stuck to my skin and hair for days after helping get the tree in the base
- Waking up at ungodly hours because a tiny person in the house wants to get up before the sun does to open presents
- My parents arguing because my dad forgot to charge the camcorder battery for the 900th year in a row
- Feeling bloated and praying for a swift death after consuming too many sweets
Christmas 2009. This is me right before I “gave birth” to the cheesecake, rum balls and fudge I ate earlier in the day.
I wanted to write this post last night while the feeling of yesterday’s events were still fresh in my mind, but I decided against it. I don’t believe in writing from an overly emotional place, and yesterday I had to take a step back. I needed to give myself time to process what had happened
Now I’m ready to take a breath, and type.
Earlier this week, there was a shooting at a mall in my area which left two people dead. As I’m sure all of you know, there was a horrific shooting at an elementary school in Connecticut yesterday which claimed many lives, most of which were children’s. Also in the news yesterday, a man stabbed 22 children outside a primary school in China. After hearing about these acts of unspeakable violence, my first thoughts were, “What the fuck has happened to people?”
I cried. For the victims, for the families of the victims, for the people who will forever be haunted by the events, for everyone who lost a little faith in humanity.
I used to be very cynical and pessimistic, believing that people will screw you over when given the chance. “The world is full of opportunists” I’d say, and I meant that. I looked at everyone as though they were a suspect in a crime they had not yet committed. Innocent until proven guilty? No way. Guilty until proven innocent. Continue reading
I thought Day 1 of this series was great, but Day 2 was even better! All of you brought your ‘A’ game, and I saw a lot of really cool videos for the first time. If I could, I’d buy each of you a drink, and then yawn and put my arm around you. Let’s face it, you want that too.
Moving on to Day 3…
I look a good challenge. I tried to get David Hasselhoff to tweet me back when Le Clown issued this Twitter challenge on his blog. I created and completed NaNoWriNO. I once outdrank a Russian gymnast in an effort to win $20 bucks and a blackened liver.
I recently read a post David Harding put up about his PizzaBoxDrawcember contest, and knew I had to enter. You need to click that little link to read the full story, but let me summarize the rules here:
- Order a pizza
- Ask the pizza making wizards to draw a gorilla throwing dice on the pizza box (other drawings acceptable, but I tried to keep with the original theme)
- Leave the fate of your drawing in the hands of a pizza pusher
I like pizza. I like gorillas. I like David. I like winning. NO BRAINER. Continue reading