Apologies Are In Order

22 Jan

I think I may be the neighbor from hell. I don’t throw raucous parties, or drive like one of those douchebag Audi owners through the parking lot. I pick up other people’s trash, and have even been known to say hi when I’m not daydreaming about almond croissants.

Despite my best efforts to be a decent member of society, some apologies to current and former neighbors are definitely in order.

To the neighbor who saw me topless:

Your expression really said it all. It was a mixture of pity, lust and confusion. Coincidentally, that was the same look I once gave to my reflection after eating an entire Little Caesar’s pizza by myself. I’m sure you had no idea that breasts could double as suspenders, or have so many stretch marks that it looks like there’s a freeway system tattooed on them. The truth is, puberty was not kind to me, and my breasts are now registered weapons in nine states. I guess I should’ve rushed to cover myself up, but I was pretty sure it was the last opportunity I’d ever have to show my chesticles to a man, and I had to soak it up. I’m sorry if this has stirred up a weird fetish, and your future wife finds you searching for “low-hanging tits” on the internet one day.

saggy breasts, meme, boobs, chesticles, stretch marks

To the neighbor who saw me peeing in the bushes outside his window:

You’ll be happy to know my drinking has calmed down considerably since we lived next door to each other. I had a bionic liver at the time, and was known for consuming so much liquor that you could cut me, and get drunk off of my blood. That night I had downed an entire bottle of Hennessy along with a few Smirnoff Ices by myself. I’m embarrassed by this not because I was drinking alone, but because no self-respecting human being drinks a Smirnoff Ice. I had been playing “Wannabe” by Spice Girls for what seemed like 17 hours, and prancing around my apartment like some drugged up Burning Man hippie. I was so disoriented that I couldn’t remember where my own bathroom was, and wandered outside to find a place to pee. I pulled down my underwear, steadied myself against your window, and started treating the bush like one of R. Kelly’s dates. I am very sorry that the commotion woke you from your slumber, and forced you to stare directly at my urine-soaked labia.

bush

To the neighbor who saw me retrieve food from a dumpster:

You seemed like a nice guy, and despite the fact that you’d adjust your balls from inside your pants, were the most normal person in that complex. It’s very important to me that you understand I don’t normally search dumpsters for food like a rabid raccoon. Anyone who has smoked pot will tell you that hunger can consume you, and you’ll find yourself eating bizarre concoctions like peanut butter and smoked salmon tacos while laughing hysterically at your hand (which you’ve just discovered is hilarious). I was a human garbage disposal that night: deli meat, a banana, leftover lasagna, and an entire bottle of dijon mustard. In an attempt to be healthier, I’d thrown out a bag of chips the night before; I blame Suzanne Somers who had hypnotized me through my television with her thighs of steel. I needed those chips back, and my trash bag ended up being much harder to find than I anticipated. That’s why you found me waist-deep in garbage calling out to a bag of Dorito’s as if we were playing Marco Polo.

Dumpster

To the neighbor I accidentally farted on:

I promise you that I don’t go around farting on people for fun. Except my sisters. And my 7-year-old nephew. And my roommate. Sometimes I’ll crop dust strangers, but that’s only if I think they deserve it. Not only was I menstruating the day I let my ass whisper on you, but I had also eaten some questionable chicken the night before. Do you know what that combination does to a woman? There was a 5-car pile-up in my gut, and I was worried that holding it in would result in me burping up something that tasted like what Charlie Sheen looks like. You crept up so quietly at the mailboxes, and I had no idea you were behind me when I unleashed the Hindenburg on you. I’m sorry for not only spraying you with my fecal dust, but for not having the courage to look you in the eye and apologize.

IBS, charlie sheen, humor, meme, winning, tiger's blood, fart, shart

I can’t take back my shameful behavior, and I wish I could say I’ve grown as a person since then. Anyone who has read this blog even once would know that’s a huge lie. I just want you to know I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for exposing myself to you.

I’m sorry for invading your dreams with my bodily functions.

I’m sorry for having dinner in the community trash can.

I’m sorry for my booty cough.

I’m sorry, I really am.

196 Responses to “Apologies Are In Order”

  1. lizziearias 08/13/2014 at 6:52 pm #

    Just found your blog and decided to read this post, nothing to force connection like reading someone’s words, mainly “Chesticles”, “urine soaked labia” and “fecal dust”
    Had a good chuckle, thanks

  2. shreejacob 04/04/2014 at 12:24 am #

    Brilliant! Really..and you just made their life just that much interesting ;)
    I remember sitting in front of a TV which was busted..only a thin white line on the screen…looking at it, enthralled…awestruck and it’s awesomeness…
    I miss smoking pot :(

  3. Pixie Girl 03/21/2014 at 10:53 am #

    Jen! Seeing you on FB reminded me it was a while since I visited… where are you?! Miss you!

  4. surprisebjg 03/20/2014 at 12:30 am #

    You gave me cramps on my stomach from laughing hilarious. Fantastic post thank you.

  5. omtatjuan 03/14/2014 at 8:45 pm #

    You haven’t been around much.. I thought some dashing man swept you off your feet… Ok I was wrong, You were hanging in the bushes. How come when I di the judge called it… Well forget it. Oh what a neighbor you have… I should be so lucky.. I leave my drapes open and my neighbor closes his…Go figure….

  6. Aussa Lorens 02/20/2014 at 8:33 pm #

    I NEED A NEW POST. I KEEP COMING BACK AND LOOKING FOR ONE. DO YOU SEE HOW SERIOUS I AM? THIS IS ALL CAPS SERIOUS.
    ***** <— and some stars.

    • Jen and Tonic 02/26/2014 at 4:59 pm #

      I’M SORRY. I HAVE BEEN BUSY WITH WORK AND LOOKING FOR A HOUSE. WHY ARE WE YELLING?

      (A new post is coming soon. Promise.)

      • Aussa Lorens 02/26/2014 at 5:04 pm #

        I yell when I feel very passionate about something.
        Aside: I just tried to write “yail” and two seconds ago I tried to type “froot.” I don’t know what’s happening to me.

        No more yelling if a post is coming soon. Huzzah!

        • Jen and Tonic 02/26/2014 at 5:05 pm #

          Feel free to yell or make up words on this blog. It is a safe space for crazy people.

          • Aussa Lorens 02/26/2014 at 5:10 pm #

            That should be your byline.

  7. List of X 02/16/2014 at 8:51 pm #

    I would be perfectly happy having you as a neighbor. As long as you don’t have loud parties, drive like a race driver on the street, and don’t own an alarm clock which sounds like a truck backing down (I own one but I declared a moratorium on its use), I’d overlook the occasional exposure and dumpster diving. You’d have to be careful with farting, because I might reflexively fart back, and that war will have no victors.

    • Jen and Tonic 02/26/2014 at 4:58 pm #

      I would gladly fart all over you. Then afterwards you could buy me dinner, pretend to like my jokes, and I might let you grab my boob.

      • List of X 02/26/2014 at 10:39 pm #

        I don’t need to pretend I like your jokes. I like them.

  8. Soul Walker 02/11/2014 at 11:52 pm #

    So I have been physically ill for almost six weeks and am just trying to catch up on blog stuff now… “ass whisper…” I may have peed a little… thank you.

    • Jen and Tonic 02/26/2014 at 4:57 pm #

      9 out of 10 doctors recommend my blog to cure viruses.

      P.S. Hope you’re feeling better!

  9. Nadia 02/07/2014 at 2:07 am #

    So far I’ve only booty burped on my husband – we can never agree on what’s foreplay – but you never know. A neighbour might be in the wrong place at the wrong time one day.

    • Jen and Tonic 02/26/2014 at 4:57 pm #

      You give a man one Dutch Oven and suddenly he starts complaining about “needing a little more romance”…

  10. Jana 02/06/2014 at 6:23 pm #

    Just found your blog. What a post! I nearly peed myself laughing (I’m sure you won’t judge — you of the checkered past)! I’m following you so I don’t miss another post!

    • Jen and Tonic 02/26/2014 at 4:56 pm #

      Everything you need to know about me, or my blog, is summed up in this post.

  11. bittyblueoctopus 02/06/2014 at 11:08 am #

    You may want to put a disclaimer on this post. It should read, “Do not read this post while holding your sleeping infant…unless you’d like to wake her up from laughing hysterically.” Thank you…not for waking my baby up but making me laugh and letting me know that someone else has had “that” part of their life.

    • Jen and Tonic 02/26/2014 at 4:56 pm #

      I apologize to all the infants out there who longer get restful sleep because of me.

  12. susielindau 02/06/2014 at 8:31 am #

    This is an apology I’ll remember for years to come! Your post is hysterical!
    I taped up my nipples and went outside so my husband could take a photo of me for my Boob Reports and I saw a neighbor take a double take. He was gracious enough not to mention it at the neighborhood Christmas party!

    • Jen and Tonic 02/26/2014 at 4:55 pm #

      Wait, you actually did that?! You are my new hero.

  13. you made my day,awesomee post!I try to pretend that I don’t get gas. But what the heck, I’ll fart with pride now. I thing I’ll have a trial session with my sister right now(Haha…unknowing victim absorbed in her ipad) ;)

    • Jen and Tonic 02/05/2014 at 9:40 am #

      How did it go over with your roommate? Roommates try to pretend they hate it, but you know they don’t.

      • she was all for it….and it led to a lengthy discussion on our subconscious way of trying to please others in everything! thankyou for triggering the talk ;)

  14. writerwendyreid 02/02/2014 at 8:37 pm #

    Sorry for the late reply. I’d love to have you for a neighbor. ;-)

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