Apologies Are In Order

22 Jan

I think I may be the neighbor from hell. I don’t throw raucous parties, or drive like one of those douchebag Audi owners through the parking lot. I pick up other people’s trash, and have even been known to say hi when I’m not daydreaming about almond croissants.

Despite my best efforts to be a decent member of society, some apologies to current and former neighbors are definitely in order.

To the neighbor who saw me topless:

Your expression really said it all. It was a mixture of pity, lust and confusion. Coincidentally, that was the same look I once gave to my reflection after eating an entire Little Caesar’s pizza by myself. I’m sure you had no idea that breasts could double as suspenders, or have so many stretch marks that it looks like there’s a freeway system tattooed on them. The truth is, puberty was not kind to me, and my breasts are now registered weapons in nine states. I guess I should’ve rushed to cover myself up, but I was pretty sure it was the last opportunity I’d ever have to show my chesticles to a man, and I had to soak it up. I’m sorry if this has stirred up a weird fetish, and your future wife finds you searching for “low-hanging tits” on the internet one day.

saggy breasts, meme, boobs, chesticles, stretch marks

To the neighbor who saw me peeing in the bushes outside his window:

You’ll be happy to know my drinking has calmed down considerably since we lived next door to each other. I had a bionic liver at the time, and was known for consuming so much liquor that you could cut me, and get drunk off of my blood. That night I had downed an entire bottle of Hennessy along with a few Smirnoff Ices by myself. I’m embarrassed by this not because I was drinking alone, but because no self-respecting human being drinks a Smirnoff Ice. I had been playing “Wannabe” by Spice Girls for what seemed like 17 hours, and prancing around my apartment like some drugged up Burning Man hippie. I was so disoriented that I couldn’t remember where my own bathroom was, and wandered outside to find a place to pee. I pulled down my underwear, steadied myself against your window, and started treating the bush like one of R. Kelly’s dates. I am very sorry that the commotion woke you from your slumber, and forced you to stare directly at my urine-soaked labia.

bush

To the neighbor who saw me retrieve food from a dumpster:

You seemed like a nice guy, and despite the fact that you’d adjust your balls from inside your pants, were the most normal person in that complex. It’s very important to me that you understand I don’t normally search dumpsters for food like a rabid raccoon. Anyone who has smoked pot will tell you that hunger can consume you, and you’ll find yourself eating bizarre concoctions like peanut butter and smoked salmon tacos while laughing hysterically at your hand (which you’ve just discovered is hilarious.) I was a human garbage disposal that night: deli meat, a banana, leftover lasagna, and an entire bottle of dijon mustard. In an attempt to be healthier, I’d thrown out a bag of chips the night before; I blame Suzanne Somers who had hypnotized me through my television with her thighs of steel. I needed those chips back, and my trash bag ended up being much harder to find than I anticipated. That’s why you found me waist-deep in garbage calling out to a bag of Dorito’s as if we were playing Marco Polo.

Dumpster

To the neighbor I accidentally farted on:

I promise you that I don’t go around farting on people for fun. Except my sisters. And my 7-year-old nephew. And my roommate. Sometimes I’ll crop dust strangers, but that’s only if I think they deserve it. Not only was I menstruating the day I let my ass whisper on you, but I had also eaten some questionable chicken the night before. Do you know what that combination does to a woman? There was a 5-car pile-up in my gut, and I was worried that holding it in would result in me burping up something that tasted like what Charlie Sheen looks like. You crept up so quietly at the mailboxes, and I had no idea you were behind me when I unleashed the Hindenburg on you. I’m sorry for not only spraying you with my fecal dust, but for not having the courage to look you in the eye and apologize.

IBS, charlie sheen, humor, meme, winning, tiger's blood, fart, shart

I can’t take back my shameful behavior, and I wish I could say I’ve grown as a person since then. Anyone who has read this blog even once would know that’s a huge lie. I just want you to know I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for exposing myself to you.

I’m sorry for invading your dreams with my bodily functions.

I’m sorry for having dinner in the community trash can.

I’m sorry for my booty cough.

I’m sorry, I really am.

195 Responses to “Apologies Are In Order”

  1. springfieldfem 01/22/2014 at 9:57 am #

    Oh. My. God. Laughing so hard I can’t breathe.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 8:57 pm #

      This post should have come with an Oxygen tank.

    • louisamayalcatt 01/30/2014 at 7:53 am #

      didn’t want to scroll to the end, so leaving my comment here:

      ‘chesticles’ — hilarious! thanks for the laugh, xo LMA

      • Jen and Tonic 01/30/2014 at 10:13 am #

        I was going to scold you for being a lazy scroller, but then I see that you’re a cat, and well, that allows you to get away with everything.

  2. nobodysreadingme 01/22/2014 at 9:57 am #

    The only sign of bad behaviour that requires an abject apology here is drinking Smirnoff Ice on top of a bottle of brandy. Whatever were you thinking of? For shame.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 8:58 pm #

      I don’t know. It was obviously a questionable time in my life.

  3. E. 01/22/2014 at 9:59 am #

    You would be a welcome neighbor of mine. I can handle farts. Gossip not so much… And that alone should speak volumes about the community I live in.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 8:58 pm #

      Usually I’m the one people are gossiping about so I never get to be involved in that kind of fun.

      • E. 01/23/2014 at 3:20 am #

        I would tell you to give them something worth talking about, but it seems you’ve already mastered that one! :)

  4. Carrie Rubin 01/22/2014 at 9:59 am #

    I’m thinking I want to be your neighbor now just for the blog, Twitter, and FB fodder it would give me. ;)

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 8:59 pm #

      I have often wondered how many statuses were generated just because of the dumb stuff I do.

  5. Maggie O'C 01/22/2014 at 10:02 am #

    After reading this, I should be able to find you without problem. If I cruise SW following deep dark odors emanating from a chick with low hanging breasteses standing in a dumpster. Portland may be weird but I would notice you.

  6. JWo 01/22/2014 at 10:03 am #

    I would LOVE having you as a neighbor… Well, maybe except for the farts.

    Nah, who am I kidding, I’d laugh my ass off if I walked up on you as you made the cheeks shake.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 9:00 pm #

      I am giving a whole new definition to the phrase ‘make that booty clap’

  7. overitblogdotcom 01/22/2014 at 10:06 am #

    Everyone needs more neighbours like you!

  8. Madame Weebles 01/22/2014 at 10:11 am #

    These aren’t reasons for apologies. These are just more reasons I love you so. Except for the Smirnoff Ice. Dude. Just say no.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 9:02 pm #

      I know. I KNOW. I’m glad we can still be friends even though you’ve learned my shameful secret past.

  9. CrazySmartClueless 01/22/2014 at 10:16 am #

    Outstanding work Jen. You made me snorf down the phone to 400 conference call attendees.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 9:02 pm #

      If they ask you why you’re laughing just tell them you’re coming down from the drugs you did all morning. That’s what I do at work.

  10. Trails and Ultras 01/22/2014 at 10:19 am #

    This is brilliant. Did you find the doritos? Was it worth it?

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 9:03 pm #

      I didn’t. That incident taught me that you CAN feel shame even when you’re lit like a candle. I got out of the dumpster as soon as I was spotted.

  11. JackieP 01/22/2014 at 10:20 am #

    Oh wow, why are farts always so funny? I’m laughing right now. A badly needed laugh. So thank you for that. I would be your neighbor, I’d at least get a giggle now and then.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 9:04 pm #

      Farts are always funny, especially when it’s a woman because so many of us go to great lengths to pretend we never get gas.

  12. Steph 01/22/2014 at 10:26 am #

    You are hilarious! Super gross, but hilarious!

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 9:04 pm #

      ‘Gross’ is the nicest thing anyone has called me all day!

  13. Psychobabble 01/22/2014 at 10:28 am #

    I’m still stuck on “ass whisper.”

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 9:05 pm #

      Aren’t you happy you moved closer to me?

      • Psychobabble 01/22/2014 at 9:07 pm #

        As long as you promise not to cropdust me.

        • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 9:08 pm #

          You know I can’t do that.

          • Psychobabble 01/23/2014 at 11:27 am #

            A warning at least?
            We may have a problem if a compromise can’t be reached.

          • Jen and Tonic 01/23/2014 at 12:00 pm #

            Okay, I’ll only fart on you M-Sa. Even the good lord took a break on Sunday.

          • Psychobabble 01/23/2014 at 12:41 pm #

            We’ll always have Sundays.

  14. daniheart21 01/22/2014 at 11:02 am #

    OMG! LOL I can think of worse times to fart… like when having your female exam, but that is pretty embarrassing. LOL and NO I didn’t fart while having a female exam..it just popped into my head.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 9:06 pm #

      I know someone who did that. She actually switched gynecologists because she was (rightfully) mortified.

      • daniheart21 01/22/2014 at 9:23 pm #

        lol :)

      • Tais 01/31/2014 at 10:15 am #

        Oh crap. This has always been my fear in that office.

  15. Janie Doh 01/22/2014 at 11:10 am #

    This is hilarious. I’m so glad I came here and got “ass whisper” and “booty cough” to add to my vocab.

    • rarasaur 01/22/2014 at 11:45 am #

      Same! “Booty cough” was especially brilliant, haha! :)

      • Jennie Saia 01/22/2014 at 1:04 pm #

        Glad I’m not the only one who thought so! STEALING IT!

        • Jen and Tonic 01/23/2014 at 4:44 pm #

          I cannot imagine someone as classy as you saying booty cough. I’m a bad influence on you. Get away while you can.

          • Jennie Saia 01/23/2014 at 6:26 pm #

            I just read this to my husband, who belly laughed and said, “They think you’re classy! That’s adorable!”

          • Jen and Tonic 01/23/2014 at 8:42 pm #

            Wait, you’re one of us?! I’m not sure I believe it.

          • Jennie Saia 01/23/2014 at 8:50 pm #

            I want in the club, Jen! How many questionable phrases is it gonna take?! Meat wallet! Axe gash! Yogurt pump! Come onnnnnnnnn

          • Jen and Tonic 01/23/2014 at 8:53 pm #

            I’m laughing out loud. You’re in!

          • Jennie Saia 01/24/2014 at 7:03 am #

            SWEET! I HAVE NO CLASS! (I feel like such an adult right now. Awwww yeah.)

      • Jen and Tonic 01/23/2014 at 4:44 pm #

        I can’t begin to imagine what a dinosaur fart would be like.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 9:06 pm #

      Please spread the word. More people should be talking like this.

  16. daysofmyblackdog 01/22/2014 at 11:30 am #

    why apologise? you gave these people great stories to share at dinner parties.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 9:07 pm #

      “And that’s when I looked up and saw some woman eating pizza from the trash. Can you pass the potatoes?”

  17. Brother Jon 01/22/2014 at 11:55 am #

    Have you seen 2 Guns, with Mark Walburg and Denzel Washington? In the movie Marky-Mark serves up a “cup-o-cheese” to a guy in the truck bed. Automatic rewind and rewatch.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 9:07 pm #

      No, mostly because I hate Mark Wahlberg, but I may have to try to find the clip on YouTube.

      • Brother Jon 01/22/2014 at 9:30 pm #

        It’s worth a peek. Feels almost like an ad-lib.

      • jaklumen 01/22/2014 at 10:51 pm #

        There you are.

        • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 11:05 pm #

          Ask and you shall receive! Thanks, Jak.

          • jaklumen 01/22/2014 at 11:07 pm #

            You’re welcome. I was thinking, “I shall have to look that up myself.”

            I didn’t know you had post moderation set so that videos auto-embed… some bloggers don’t.

          • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 11:08 pm #

            I think those bloggers are worried that someone may embed dirty videos on their Rated G site, but this blog is not clean by any means.

          • jaklumen 01/22/2014 at 11:10 pm #

            oh good! That means that my last comment should be considered kosher, yes?

          • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 11:15 pm #

            Hey, if Cimmie doesn’t care, it’s all good.

  18. silkpurseproductions 01/22/2014 at 12:10 pm #

    I think the market value just went up on the houses on either side of you. Everyone wants to be your neighbour. Of course you are required to wear a Mr. Rogers sweater at all times.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 9:08 pm #

      I always hand out fart-laced cupcakes when new people move in.

  19. Kelly 01/22/2014 at 12:18 pm #

    I am so glad that “urine soaked labia” can be found here. Because everywhere else Google sends me makes me so uncomfortable.

  20. Sophy 01/22/2014 at 12:29 pm #

    Hahahaha! “booty cough” make me spray coffee all over my laptop. Thank you for sharing this, Jen. You are a fantabulous!

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 9:09 pm #

      Please send the invoice for your computer repair to my email.

      • Sophy 01/22/2014 at 10:07 pm #

        No worries this time, i just had some wiping to do. But I’ll keep that in mind for future endeavors.

        • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 10:27 pm #

          Thank goodness! I was just looking up “selling drugs to make money” on the internet.

  21. speaker7 01/22/2014 at 1:26 pm #

    The R Kelly reference was the best yet. That excuses public urination in my book.

  22. calahan 01/22/2014 at 1:41 pm #

    You need your own reality show.

    • michellestodden 01/22/2014 at 2:13 pm #

      I completely agree with you.

      • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 9:11 pm #

        I think what and Calahan are saying is that you want to watch me pee. Perverts.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 9:11 pm #

      If I got one, it wouldn’t be on one of those good stations like Bravo or VH1. It’d be on the TV Guide channel.

      • calahan 01/23/2014 at 9:49 am #

        That means my mom would probably be watching it, though, so, hey, you have a viewer.

  23. beckysaysthings 01/22/2014 at 2:20 pm #

    AHHHHHHHHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAA this is the best post I have EVER READ. You had me at ‘chesticles’, but by the time I got to you farting on your neighbour, I’d farted on my own hand.
    Thanks for the fart! :)

  24. samara 01/22/2014 at 2:24 pm #

    Yay!! She’s back!!
    OMG, I was jonesing for a J&T post! This was too good to be true – you have no idea how much I needed to laugh – I’m emailing you. Right now.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 9:13 pm #

      I’m like herpes– you guys can’t get rid of me.

  25. Aussa Lorens 01/22/2014 at 2:25 pm #

    Oh man. Please don’t take any more breaks from blogging. The world needs this.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 9:13 pm #

      I never will. Even if it means having to blog from a jail cell, or a gas station bathroom.

      • Aussa Lorens 01/22/2014 at 9:14 pm #

        Just avoid the dumpster nearby, if it’s the second option…

  26. Nicole Marie 01/22/2014 at 2:33 pm #

    Oh my God, this is spectacular. I tried so hard to muffle my cackles while the husband naps on the other couch. But I just couldn’t do it.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 9:13 pm #

      Apologize to your husband from me. Just ANOTHER person’s sleep I’ve interrupted.

  27. mollytopia 01/22/2014 at 3:31 pm #

    Bahahaha – oh my gahhhd this post is killing me! In the best possible way. Hilarious hilarious hilarious.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 9:16 pm #

      I am trying to make this blog less murder-y so I’m glad I killed you in a good way.

  28. oddgirlnextdoor 01/22/2014 at 3:48 pm #

    OMG, you are so friggin hilarious!!! Can’t. Stop. Laughing! :-D

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 9:17 pm #

      You posted that comment hours ago. I hope you were able to contain yourself since then.

      • oddgirlnextdoor 01/22/2014 at 10:18 pm #

        Not really. I just read it again to my bf, after this, I’ll have abs of steel rotf! Quite hilarious, and you shouldn’t be sorry: I thank you for sharing :-D

        • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 10:28 pm #

          This really is a fitness blog. Except for the excess talk about junk food and how lazy I am.

          • oddgirlnextdoor 01/22/2014 at 11:02 pm #

            We’re all a little lazy, nothing wrong with that, and I happen to adore junk food, much to my stomach’s chagrin. I keep trying to tell it to shut up and take it like it man. It’d be fine if it didn’t give me so much heart burn haha :-)

  29. lisermarie2013 01/22/2014 at 3:54 pm #

    Booty cough.

    You kill me, girl.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 9:18 pm #

      Thank god this is one cough that isn’t contagious.

  30. The Hook 01/22/2014 at 4:02 pm #

    Jen.
    This was one of your best, young lady. It was legendary, even!
    We’ll have to 5×5 soon.
    Be well,
    The Hook.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 9:18 pm #

      Yes, but I expect payment in the form of unending adoration. My love doesn’t come cheap.

  31. georgia + darlin' 01/22/2014 at 6:04 pm #

    Laughing aloud to “I let my ass whisper on you” makes me feel like I am twelve again. Thank you!!

    You are too funny. If it makes you feel any better, I am not sure you can beat my horrible neighbors (I dunno if you remember my post, but I’ll just say… police raid, sex offender, flooded their apartment/leaked into ours, critters… sigh).

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 9:19 pm #

      The only thing can outdo your neighbors is a DIY meth lab, and that’s much more Pacific Northwest than Texas.

  32. talesfromthemotherland 01/22/2014 at 9:22 pm #

    Off to bed… laughing. :-)

  33. jaklumen 01/22/2014 at 11:06 pm #

    but I was pretty sure it was the last opportunity I’d ever have to show my chesticles to a man

    Don’t you remember my “droopie boobies” comment? If I was your neighbor, I’d probably have said, “Eh, I’ve got a pair of those on the missus at home.” Before you think Cimmorene will haul off and slap me for sayng that, I’ll simply say that they come with certain advantages. For her and me. Yes, let your imagination run wild– you’ll likely be close enough.

    peeing in the bushes outside his window

    Again I invoke the wisdom of Cimmy– my understanding is that it’s better to find a thick patch of grass, sit on it, and piss that way. More privacy preserved. *cough* I have seen it in action. She has taught it to our daughter. Got to be something there. When ya got to go, you got to go.

    Anyone who has smoked pot will tell you that hunger can consume you

    I am trying to remember what a friend of mine said he ate when he smoked the J. Something like mayo, peanut butter, and pickles… I can’t remember…

    the neighbor I accidentally farted on

    Besides your personal trainer, is there anyone else you’ve accidentally farted on?

    • Jen and Tonic 01/22/2014 at 11:10 pm #

      I do remember your droopy boobies comment. A friend of mine is the one who told me that there are saggy breast fetish movies out there, and I’m sure they’re doing whatever it is you’re referring to.

      If I had sat down that night, there would not have been getting up. Almost seems more shameful to have someone find me passed out in the complex grass.

      I have accidentally farted on all but one of my ex-boyfriends. I’ve also farted on them on purpose.

      • jaklumen 01/23/2014 at 8:37 am #

        That and probably more.

        Yes, I realized after writing my comment, that I did not properly account for inebriation.

        Farted on purpose, eh? Was that some way of, hmm, marking your territory? (“You can’t have him, he’s already got my scent on him!”)

        • Jen and Tonic 01/23/2014 at 8:45 am #

          Yes, exactly. I saw how well it worked for animals on the Discovery Channel.

          • jaklumen 01/23/2014 at 8:46 am #

            and there’s my first chuckle of the day… this post keeps on givin’

  34. Sean Smithson 01/23/2014 at 1:47 am #

    See. Right here. The first four episodes of the Jen show!

    I wanted to reference particular favourite lines of mine but those bitches Weebles and Speaker 7 stole them already… You MUST go on to Urban Dictionary and submit booty cough by the way. Carry on.

    • jaklumen 01/23/2014 at 8:41 am #

      I double checked to see if it was submitted yet. It hasn’t, so I second the vote that it be submitted.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/23/2014 at 8:50 am #

      Imagine my surprise when I went to Urban Dictionary and saw that it wasn’t already a word! Years from now, when future civilizations uncover Urban Dictionary, I want them to see this mark I left on the world.

      And yes, you’ve really convinced me I need to start writing some kind of sitcom based on my life. I’m not 100% convinced people want to watch someone eat trash out of a dumpster, but it’s worth a shot.

      • Melanie 01/23/2014 at 9:18 am #

        How can you not be 100% convinced anyone would watch you eat out of a trash dumpster? Hello “My Strange Addiction”. A dumpster. Sheesh. Of course, just the dumpster trick probably wouldn’t get you up over the PG rating, so totally mention the chesticles and urine soaked labia in your pitch so you can get a rating with some fun in it.

        • Jen and Tonic 01/23/2014 at 9:08 pm #

          I do love that show. If I can inspire even one person to eat out of the trash can, my job here is done.

  35. merlinspielen 01/23/2014 at 4:43 pm #

    Wow my neighbours are apparently rather mundane ordinary uninspired average typical suburbanites. And now I can’t get the entire peeing on the bush thing out of my mind. All I can think is two Bushes and a white house pissing the economy away…it is like performance art making a deep political statement. The meta-meta transcendental symbology just blowing my mind away. Oh my scotch glass is empty now. Time for a refill.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/23/2014 at 5:27 pm #

      I had no idea that my public urination was really just performance art.

      • merlinspielen 01/23/2014 at 5:30 pm #

        You just gotta work on the marketing and PR angle. Well apparently you got the P it is the R that may be missing :)

  36. You Monsters Are People 01/23/2014 at 11:53 pm #

    You’re probably fine. I doubt their dreams are haunted to a point where they wake up screaming.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/24/2014 at 10:46 pm #

      Thank god. I was trying to figure out how I’d pay for the therapy bills people would be sending me.

  37. tracy fulks 01/24/2014 at 4:59 am #

    Fucking. Hilarious.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/24/2014 at 10:46 pm #

      I don’t want to just be hilarious. I want that fuck in there.

  38. MissFourEyes 01/24/2014 at 7:21 am #

    Farts should be more encouraged. When you gotta fart, you gotta fart. I imagine a more fart-friendly world someday, where neighbors are more accepting of each other’s bodily functions. “Hey Mike!” “Hi Bob, massive fart you just dropped back there. Have a good one!”

    • Jen and Tonic 01/24/2014 at 10:48 pm #

      It sounds like you want to start this revolution with me. You are hereby named the President of the Fart Acceptance Coalition.

  39. Becki Duckworth 01/24/2014 at 9:43 am #

    The funniest post I read all week, All is acceptable in PBX. I am stealing the. “booty cough”, It’s even better than my, “you don’t know shit about fuck.” I had a migraine when I read this in bed yesterday , I want you to know because I laughed so hard my head really throbbed and I had to take 2 more vicodin. It was worth it and then I was really high!

    • Jen and Tonic 01/24/2014 at 10:49 pm #

      You laughed through a migraine? I am either that funny, or you are a woman with ovaries of steel. Hope you’re feeling better!

      • Becki Duckworth 01/25/2014 at 9:58 am #

        Haha, yes I did, I had the migraine hangover, today I am back to my old piss and vinegar self. I see you are too.

  40. NotAPunkRocker 01/24/2014 at 1:50 pm #

    How did I miss this?

    *shakes fist at WP reader*

  41. rollergiraffe 01/24/2014 at 2:27 pm #

    My neighbours all seem horribly disappointing now. I’ll pout about it over an almond croissant, because those things are the best.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/24/2014 at 10:50 pm #

      We should get together sometime and eat almond croissants. Maybe make out too, but I’ll leave that up to you.

  42. stephrogers 01/24/2014 at 2:50 pm #

    Have not laughed this much in ages
    Thank you Jen and I wish we were neighbours
    (I wrote you poetry. Be impressed)

    • Jen and Tonic 01/24/2014 at 10:50 pm #

      I wish we were neighbors too! Imagine all the trouble we’d get into.

  43. Gunmetal Geisha 01/24/2014 at 11:10 pm #

    You just killed me, lady.

    “The day I let my ass whisper on you…”

    • Jen and Tonic 01/27/2014 at 8:54 am #

      I promise you that I respect you too much to ever do the thing that would force me to utter that exact phrase to you.

      • Gunmetal Geisha 01/27/2014 at 9:01 am #

        Immunity — I love it! Or rather, the best of both worlds: I get the benefit of the hilarity, but from a safe distance.

  44. The Cutter 01/25/2014 at 9:57 am #

    Hey, who among us hasn’t farted on one of our neighbors? Well, me, I guess. But I’m sure that a few others have done it. Maybe.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/27/2014 at 8:54 am #

      You haven’t lived until you’ve farted on your neighbor.

      • The Cutter 01/27/2014 at 9:04 am #

        Maybe I’ll knock on their door and try it tonight. Better go load up on fiber now.

  45. jeanjames 01/26/2014 at 7:18 am #

    “Ass whisper” and “Fecal Dust” you know I have to use those next time one of my patients lets one go….absolutely brilliant!! This was hysterically funny, best read all week!!

    • Jen and Tonic 01/27/2014 at 8:55 am #

      Thanks, Jean! I hope your patients appreciate all of the colorful language you’ve picked up!

  46. Smaktakula 01/27/2014 at 2:36 pm #

    Heh–Booty cough.
    I saw my neighbor topless once, and it was pretty rough–he’s an ex-cop with diabetes. In comparison, I’m sure your breasts were magnificent orbs of delight.

    • Smaktakula 01/27/2014 at 2:38 pm #

      And I hope that didn’t sound too pervy, ’cause from this side, it kinda did.

      • Jen and Tonic 01/28/2014 at 10:20 pm #

        On the contrary, I am flattered. My breasts have never been called magnificent orbs of delight. More like, “what the hell? skin can stretch like that?”

  47. JR 01/28/2014 at 11:28 pm #

    Wow. That just tore me apart. You. are. funny.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/29/2014 at 10:53 am #

      I tore you apart? Shit, let me break out my needle and thread.

  48. Laxman Prajapati 01/31/2014 at 8:22 pm #

    Nice :)

  49. wahmcat 02/02/2014 at 1:53 am #

    Holy. Crap. Rarasaur just turned me on to BI and you and Becca…. I knew I loved her. You guys are seriously awesome and I can’t wait to meet you!

    • Jen and Tonic 02/02/2014 at 5:14 pm #

      Thank the lord for Rarasaur! You’re interested in coming to BI? That’s fantastic! The more the merrier.

      • wahmcat 02/02/2014 at 10:30 pm #

        I’m a newbie – but hopefully my sweet and sassy style will catch on quick. ;)

        • Jen and Tonic 02/02/2014 at 10:45 pm #

          Hey, just jump right in! Most people on WP are really friendly, and I can tell you that 100% of the people involved with Blogger Interactive are.

          I saw that you emailed us. I’m heading to bed now, but I’ll be emailing you tomorrow. YAY :)

          • wahmcat 02/03/2014 at 1:37 pm #

            Awesome! I look forward to meeting you all!!

  50. maurnas 02/02/2014 at 7:21 am #

    My neighbors have come over and politely asked that I close my blinds in the future. Apparently I am not invisible and the things I do in my apartment are not fit for public consumption. Also, the neighborhood kids were gathering around to see me lounging on the couch naked.

    • Jen and Tonic 02/02/2014 at 5:14 pm #

      It sounds like, if you and I lived together, we’d be the worst neighbors in the history of bad neighbors.

  51. writerwendyreid 02/02/2014 at 8:37 pm #

    Sorry for the late reply. I’d love to have you for a neighbor. ;-)

  52. you made my day,awesomee post!I try to pretend that I don’t get gas. But what the heck, I’ll fart with pride now. I thing I’ll have a trial session with my sister right now(Haha…unknowing victim absorbed in her ipad) ;)

    • Jen and Tonic 02/05/2014 at 9:40 am #

      How did it go over with your roommate? Roommates try to pretend they hate it, but you know they don’t.

      • she was all for it….and it led to a lengthy discussion on our subconscious way of trying to please others in everything! thankyou for triggering the talk ;)

  53. susielindau 02/06/2014 at 8:31 am #

    This is an apology I’ll remember for years to come! Your post is hysterical!
    I taped up my nipples and went outside so my husband could take a photo of me for my Boob Reports and I saw a neighbor take a double take. He was gracious enough not to mention it at the neighborhood Christmas party!

    • Jen and Tonic 02/26/2014 at 4:55 pm #

      Wait, you actually did that?! You are my new hero.

  54. bittyblueoctopus 02/06/2014 at 11:08 am #

    You may want to put a disclaimer on this post. It should read, “Do not read this post while holding your sleeping infant…unless you’d like to wake her up from laughing hysterically.” Thank you…not for waking my baby up but making me laugh and letting me know that someone else has had “that” part of their life.

    • Jen and Tonic 02/26/2014 at 4:56 pm #

      I apologize to all the infants out there who longer get restful sleep because of me.

  55. Jana 02/06/2014 at 6:23 pm #

    Just found your blog. What a post! I nearly peed myself laughing (I’m sure you won’t judge — you of the checkered past)! I’m following you so I don’t miss another post!

    • Jen and Tonic 02/26/2014 at 4:56 pm #

      Everything you need to know about me, or my blog, is summed up in this post.

  56. Nadia 02/07/2014 at 2:07 am #

    So far I’ve only booty burped on my husband – we can never agree on what’s foreplay – but you never know. A neighbour might be in the wrong place at the wrong time one day.

    • Jen and Tonic 02/26/2014 at 4:57 pm #

      You give a man one Dutch Oven and suddenly he starts complaining about “needing a little more romance”…

  57. Soul Walker 02/11/2014 at 11:52 pm #

    So I have been physically ill for almost six weeks and am just trying to catch up on blog stuff now… “ass whisper…” I may have peed a little… thank you.

    • Jen and Tonic 02/26/2014 at 4:57 pm #

      9 out of 10 doctors recommend my blog to cure viruses.

      P.S. Hope you’re feeling better!

  58. List of X 02/16/2014 at 8:51 pm #

    I would be perfectly happy having you as a neighbor. As long as you don’t have loud parties, drive like a race driver on the street, and don’t own an alarm clock which sounds like a truck backing down (I own one but I declared a moratorium on its use), I’d overlook the occasional exposure and dumpster diving. You’d have to be careful with farting, because I might reflexively fart back, and that war will have no victors.

    • Jen and Tonic 02/26/2014 at 4:58 pm #

      I would gladly fart all over you. Then afterwards you could buy me dinner, pretend to like my jokes, and I might let you grab my boob.

      • List of X 02/26/2014 at 10:39 pm #

        I don’t need to pretend I like your jokes. I like them.

  59. Aussa Lorens 02/20/2014 at 8:33 pm #

    I NEED A NEW POST. I KEEP COMING BACK AND LOOKING FOR ONE. DO YOU SEE HOW SERIOUS I AM? THIS IS ALL CAPS SERIOUS.
    ***** <— and some stars.

    • Jen and Tonic 02/26/2014 at 4:59 pm #

      I’M SORRY. I HAVE BEEN BUSY WITH WORK AND LOOKING FOR A HOUSE. WHY ARE WE YELLING?

      (A new post is coming soon. Promise.)

      • Aussa Lorens 02/26/2014 at 5:04 pm #

        I yell when I feel very passionate about something.
        Aside: I just tried to write “yail” and two seconds ago I tried to type “froot.” I don’t know what’s happening to me.

        No more yelling if a post is coming soon. Huzzah!

        • Jen and Tonic 02/26/2014 at 5:05 pm #

          Feel free to yell or make up words on this blog. It is a safe space for crazy people.

          • Aussa Lorens 02/26/2014 at 5:10 pm #

            That should be your byline.

  60. omtatjuan 03/14/2014 at 8:45 pm #

    You haven’t been around much.. I thought some dashing man swept you off your feet… Ok I was wrong, You were hanging in the bushes. How come when I di the judge called it… Well forget it. Oh what a neighbor you have… I should be so lucky.. I leave my drapes open and my neighbor closes his…Go figure….

  61. surprisebjg 03/20/2014 at 12:30 am #

    You gave me cramps on my stomach from laughing hilarious. Fantastic post thank you.

  62. Pixie Girl 03/21/2014 at 10:53 am #

    Jen! Seeing you on FB reminded me it was a while since I visited… where are you?! Miss you!

  63. shreejacob 04/04/2014 at 12:24 am #

    Brilliant! Really..and you just made their life just that much interesting ;)
    I remember sitting in front of a TV which was busted..only a thin white line on the screen…looking at it, enthralled…awestruck and it’s awesomeness…
    I miss smoking pot :(

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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    […] “I turned the corner, and there was a dumpster with what looked like an animal behind it. I walked up and poked my head around, and it was some dude jerking off. He looked at me, and just kept going.” Jen and Tonic […]

  3. Smithson vs Girl Seule – The Threesome | The Office Inbetweener - 03/10/2014

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