No Thanks

28 Nov

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. I’d like to think it’s because of the time spent with family eating good food, and giving thanks. It’s actually because I was born on Thanksgiving the year I was born, and I enjoy focusing on things relating to me.

I’m sure there will be several posts today talking about what bloggers are thankful for. People will mention their family, their health, their children. All the posts will be beautifully written, and at this point in NaBloPoMo, my brain is in meltdown mode. I can’t compete.

This is why, instead of telling you what I am thankful for this Thanksgiving, I’ll just tell you what I could really do without.

Christmas Music

When most people think of hell, they imagine a fiery inferno that they’ll be enslaved in for the rest of eternity. When I think of hell, it looks like sharing a jail cell with Rush Limbaugh while Christmas music plays 24 hours a day. “Jingle Bell Rock” makes me want to kick myself in the face, and I’m pretty sure “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” is the inspiration for many a serial killer. The fact that it begins playing earlier every year actually makes me think conspiracy theorists might be right, and the government may actually be practicing some form of mind control on the masses.

rush limbaugh, christmas, liberal, satan, humor

Grocery Store Charity

Have you ever been in the checkout line at the grocery store, and the clerk asks, “Would you like to donate to belly button cancer?” There you are in front of your peers, being forced to either donate, or look like the insensitive bastard who doesn’t care about healthy belly buttons. I hate this tactic for a few reasons. One, the grocery store clerks never know anything about the charity so you have no idea if your money is going to a good place. Two, guilt tripping a person into donating is gross, and not in the spirit of charity. Lastly, if a multi-million dollar corporation cares about belly buttons so much, why don’t they just write a check?

Adapted from original artwork by Flickr//WhiteHaus Marketing

Adapted from original artwork by Flickr//WhiteHaus Marketing

The Prius

I love the environment, and feel as though I do my part to lessen my carbon footprint. In theory I should love the Prius, but I just can’t. The moment a person gets behind the wheel of one of these things they begin driving in “Head Up Ass Mode” which is a feature specific only to this car. When I see one a Prius on the road, I try my best to speed up and get around it. You know once you’re stuck behind one you’re never going to hit the speed limit. Prius drivers are always blissfully ignorant, never aware of little things like time, or rules of the road. Ban G.M.O.? No, ban P.R.I.U.S.!

prius, sucks, toyota, humor

What things are you not thankful for this year?

95 Responses to “No Thanks”

  1. CrazySmartClueless 12/02/2013 at 8:01 am #

    Amen on charity at the checkout. Whole Foods did this to me yesterday and despite the fact that my community garden (and me!) donated 2,500 lbs of actual fresh organic home grown food to the food bank this summer… I was guilt tripped into giving my $5. Grrrrrrrrrrr

  2. AwesomelyOZ 12/01/2013 at 7:12 am #

    I’m saying NO THANKS to hating little sister-in-laws and DMV for making me take a Drivers Improvement Clinic, haha. Also, working the day after Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and New Years Eve.. Just give us those days off already!!! Hope you had a great Thanksgiving! -Iva

    • Jen and Tonic 12/01/2013 at 4:35 pm #

      What did you that you had to take a driving improvement course?!

  3. girlseule 11/29/2013 at 8:17 pm #

    I am not thankful for corn on the cob. Every one loves it but me! You go to a market and it’s being sold and everyone is like “omg they have corn!!!! Let’s get corn! I love corn on the cob’.” I don’t like the taste at all! If someone makes it for my dinner I let someone else have it.

    • Jen and Tonic 12/01/2013 at 4:35 pm #

      Here is some vindication: I’ve read in multiple places that corn isn’t actually as good for you as people say it is. DON’T EAT IT.

  4. talesfromthemotherland 11/29/2013 at 10:35 am #

    Bravo, Jen. Love this one, and tired of all the Thanks. If you caught my Umbilicus post this past week, then you know I definitely support belly button health! ;-)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/29/2013 at 6:02 pm #

      I have SUCKED at reading posts from everyone since NaBloPoMo started! I am so happy it is almost over so I can read more. Checking it out now…

      • talesfromthemotherland 11/29/2013 at 6:05 pm #

        You deserve a big celebratory drink (or something) for your month long commitment! Way to go Jen!

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