Unbreakable

25 Nov

Last night I became so enraged that I threw something.

This is highly unusual for me. I’m not the type of person who gets so angry that she throws a punch, or starts breaking her dishes. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gotten upset about things, but I’ve never even considered getting physical.

One of the reasons I’m going to therapy is to get in touch with my emotions. I’ve spent most of my life being rather robotic in this regard. I experience setbacks, I stuff my feelings down, and I move on with my life.

This is not a method I recommend to anyone. You’ll think it’s working, but what’s really happening is that your feelings are lingering just beneath the surface. You can run away from them, but they’ll always catch up to you.

I’ve been very emotional recently. I cried when a song came on the radio. I cried while watching a movie. I cried while reading my blog comments. I cried while thinking about crying. I cried more in the last few weeks than I have in the last few years.

Thanks to therapy, my emotions are up close and center. This has been incredibly difficult for me because I’m actually having to confront my feelings.

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a friend, the same friend I referenced in my “Making the First Move” post. As I stated in that post, things were off to a good start between us, and I honestly felt like we would reconcile.

And I had every intention of doing that until yesterday. Yesterday I not only received a self-interested e-mail from him, but found out additional information that made me realize he wasn’t really serious about putting our friendship back together.

I realized my friend had used me, and I snapped.

Suddenly everything started coming to the surface. All the years of resentment, anger, humiliation, sadness, guilt, fear, frustration, and powerlessness came pouring out of me like an erupting volcano.

The amount of anguish I felt was indescribable. Years’ worth of emotions were piling on top of me, and I felt like I was dying. For the first time in my life, I prayed.

This carried on for hours. The tears eventually ran dry, and I had a brief moment of peace. It was the calm before Hurricane Jen hit.

I flew into a white hot rage.

I started shaking. The crying started up again. I felt like I might throw up. In all my years of existence I have never experienced something so powerful. I had reached my breaking point.

I went to the kitchen, and searched underneath the sink where we keep our recyclables. I found a glass bottle, grabbed it by its neck, and threw it as hard as I could into the ground.

It didn’t break.

It bounced off the floor a few times, and then rolled around. How anti-climactic. If I hadn’t been so angry I probably would have laughed.

Then I sat on the floor and sobbed.

My best friend (who also happens to be my roommate) came out and sat next to me. He put his arm around me, and just let me cry it out. At 32 years old, I was Ferberizing myself.

“We’ll get through this together.”

That’s what my best friend said to me as we hugged, and I believed him.

I looked over and saw the bottle laying on the floor. Despite being slammed into the ground, it was still fully intact. That bottle was unbreakable, and so am I.

I wrote my friend to let him know that our friendship was over. I took a hot shower, letting all of the negativity wash away. I climbed into bed, and pulled the blankets over me.

For the first time in my life, everything really will be okay.

96 Responses to “Unbreakable”

  1. alexraphael 12/28/2013 at 4:59 pm #

    Sounds a horrid situation but so glad to hear you have the right attitude to getting through it.

  2. GiggsMcGill Jill 12/04/2013 at 10:39 am #

    I know loads of people have probably said this, but blog hugs to you! And blog kisses! It’s great that you’re letting these feelings come up, dealing with them, and moving on! My mom and I were just talking yesterday about how destroying it can be to bottle everything up. So hugs, high fives, and fist bumps galore to you!! =D

  3. barbdsykes 12/01/2013 at 8:18 am #

    Beautiful. I applaud your vulnerability, acceptance and strength. It is great you are sorting thru it and healing. Kudos

    • Jen and Tonic 12/01/2013 at 4:30 pm #

      Thanks, Barb! Vulnerability is not something I’ve done well historically, and I’m glad I can express it here.

  4. totallytk 11/26/2013 at 11:55 am #

    It’s so important to recognize when a friendship is just done. I’ve suffered years of frustration and irritation with people because I wasn’t willing to make that decision. Good for you!

    • Jen and Tonic 12/01/2013 at 4:29 pm #

      Hopefully you’ve rid yourself of the negativity. You deserve better!

  5. jgarciarn 11/26/2013 at 11:22 am #

    Wow. I feel you. Do you think that you got closure from him? Enough so that you were finally able to put your mind at ease even if it was because you were letting him go?

    • Jen and Tonic 12/01/2013 at 4:28 pm #

      No, no closure whatsoever. I was actually talking about closure to a friend of mine, and I think I’ll be writing a post on it.

      Sometimes the silence from the other party tells you everything you need to know, and is closure in and of itself.

      • jgarciarn 12/01/2013 at 5:30 pm #

        You’re so right… And though others have tried and failed to convince me to seek out those “friends” who walked out of my life. But this just reinforced my “pride” and killed the urge to. I mean if the friendships were all that meaningful to them as well then why don’t they seek me out? Point and case.

  6. talesfromthemotherland 11/26/2013 at 10:39 am #

    Bravo to you, for raging and crying and letting it out! Emotions need to breathe. I tend to bleed mine all over, but do know about stuffing, as well. It’s a beautiful thing that that bottle didn’t break, but it’s even sweeter that you threw it and then let love (your friend) in, to replace the uglies. I have a friend whose husband was killed in a freak boating accident a few years ago. She put together a place in their backyard where she and her 2 young boys (5 and 7) could break old dishes… to let out their rage and grief. I’ve often thought that some day those boys will look back and smile. Way to go, Jen. Losing a friend is painful; losing them twice is just shitty. Hugs.

    • Jen and Tonic 12/01/2013 at 4:27 pm #

      Whoa, that is an AMAZING idea your friend brought to life. What a wonderful thing for her and her kids to share as part of their healing process. What a strong woman she is.

  7. Calamity Rae 11/26/2013 at 7:10 am #

    I always enjoy watching or in this case, reading, how a real-life situation plays out. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like seeing anyone in emotional pain, but it’s interesting for me to see other people’s journey in dealing with real life situations that really matter to that person. As for throwing things – well, at least you didn’t have to clean up glass. I’ve thrown many a things in my day – not that I’m proud of it, and cleaning up the mess is always the worst part.

    • Jen and Tonic 12/01/2013 at 4:26 pm #

      I totally get where you’re coming from. One of the reasons I prefer to read non-fiction over fiction is because I like seeing how real life events unfold. The rawness of it is something I can relate to. I’d prefer to just read about it though. Living it wasn’t that awesome ;)

  8. mytwistedroad 11/26/2013 at 6:13 am #

    Jen,
    Sounds like you were angry that you didn’t see that coming. All you can say now is, “Well, I gave it a second try and now it’s time to move on.” It’s OK to make mistakes. It’s all part of learning, right? Glad you had your friend there to be there for you.Just think of how much more you appreciate the good people in your life because of these douchbags. It’s really true! :-) Chipper up Butter Cup! :-)

    • Jen and Tonic 12/01/2013 at 4:24 pm #

      Honestly, I don’t feel like I made a mistake. As I wrote in my e-mail to him, I stand by my decision to make the friendship. I put myself out there, I was willing to bury the hatchet, and that’s the best I can do. The other part had to come from him, and he didn’t want to. I can only control myself.

  9. The Cutter 11/26/2013 at 3:48 am #

    Good for you for finally letting it out. And can you share who makes that bottle? I’d love to have some unbreakable glass

    • Jen and Tonic 12/01/2013 at 4:23 pm #

      Funny enough, it is Frank’s Red Hot Sauce bottle. Not only is it tasty, but also therapeutic.

  10. oddgirlnextdoor 11/25/2013 at 11:15 pm #

    Those break downs are physically and emotionally exhausting. Days after is when you realize how cathartic it really was even when it didn’t feel like it at the time. No construction without destruction, no rebirth without death: I’d say you’re doing pretty damn good. At least now you know and can set boundaries with people in the future so you don’t have to go through all of the same cycles down the road, and you won’t be letting someone use you. I hope you’re feeling better, and possibly more liberated. ^_^

    • Jen and Tonic 12/01/2013 at 4:22 pm #

      It has been a week since this happened, and I feel incredibly different. I think I just needed to let it all go, and this was the only way to make that happen. And yes, boundaries are something I’m working on right now with the help of my therapist.

      • oddgirlnextdoor 12/01/2013 at 5:26 pm #

        Letting it go is the most difficult, at least for me. One thing I’ve started to do is take responsibility for each and every experience in my life thus far. It’s not easy, but necessary. Realizing I’ve set my own self worth with others, and that is was low is a hard one to take, but I’m starting to feel better about it and myself in the process. We settle for the love we feel we deserve, and in doing so we short change ourselves in a bad way. So, here’s to treating ourselves just as well, if not a wee bit better, than we do those that are important to us and keep us going day to day. We can be our own worst enemies, or our own greatest friend. Personally, I’m tired of fighting and downplaying my own worth, so I’ll be my best friend instead lol Cheers!

  11. Psychobabble 11/25/2013 at 8:06 pm #

    Major props.

  12. samara 11/25/2013 at 7:35 pm #

    I feel you, sister.
    The moment when you think someone is there for you – bliss.
    Then you realize they were really there for them – agony.

    I just went through something like this. First I was incredibly hurt. Then angry. Now, I just feel sort of…bad. Not for him, but for the next person who mistakes his interest as something not what it is – totally self serving. Who will be his next “favorite new person.”?

    Who cares? Yuck. Break more shit. Over his head. We need our friends in this world. Imposters ought to be ashamed of themselves.

    • Jen and Tonic 12/01/2013 at 4:18 pm #

      “Break more shit. Over his head.” That made me laugh out loud!

      I have to say, I do feel a tinge of sadness for my friend because he lost me, and I think I’m a pretty damn good friend. He has surrounded himself by users and losers for so long that I don’t think he could tell the difference. C’est la vie.

      • samara 12/01/2013 at 4:43 pm #

        I’m having the same experience. I no longer feel angry, just a little sad for my so-called friend. About to send an email to him, and tell him, “the real you was the one who recognized how amazing I am.”

        But that’s just conceited. So I won’t.

        Instead, I may send him the vegetable anal cuffs from Mollytopia’s holiday gift blog post.

        I just wanted an excuse to write vegetable anal cuffs.

        • Jen and Tonic 12/01/2013 at 4:52 pm #

          Thank you for bringing vegetable anal cuffs to this blog.

  13. javaj240 11/25/2013 at 6:33 pm #

    We are all “breakable”. You just decided not to let this break you.

    Let me just say this: heartbreak, romantic or otherwise, is natural. Sometimes, when we’re very lucky it happens all at once; other times, when we’re not so lucky, it happens in pieces — gradually and over time. It sounds to me like you experienced the latter.

    You, as you well know, will be fine!

    • Jen and Tonic 12/01/2013 at 4:16 pm #

      It did happen over a long period of time. I think that’s what made me so angry, the length of time I spent being close to someone who obviously didn’t care about me the same way.

      Lesson learned.

  14. Elyse 11/25/2013 at 5:59 pm #

    Sometimes it’s just best to cut your losses. Hurts, but it will be better in the long run.

    • Jen and Tonic 12/01/2013 at 4:15 pm #

      I wish you weren’t, but you’re absolutely right.

  15. Kylie 11/25/2013 at 3:57 pm #

    That sounds like it was hard–but needed!!!
    I swear I remember some place in town where you could go throw and break plates. Maybe I imagined it. If so, I’m totally going to open that place.

    • Jen and Tonic 12/01/2013 at 4:14 pm #

      You know, that does sound like a very portland place. I need to look that up. Group field trip?!

      • Kylie 12/01/2013 at 4:29 pm #

        Is that kinda like when middle schoolers start dating and go on group dates to the mall?

        • Jen and Tonic 12/01/2013 at 4:31 pm #

          Like that, but a lot less noisy and annoying.

          • Kylie 12/01/2013 at 4:45 pm #

            Probably less sweaty too.

  16. georgia + darlin' 11/25/2013 at 2:19 pm #

    i am sorry for your loss. i know that might sound dramatic, but i also know all too well what it feels like to lose a friend you once thought would never NOT be a friend. it feels like a death. on the other hand, i must say that once the sadness and the anger start to dissipate, i hope that at least a part of you is proud of yourself. it takes strength to do what you did, and i think you made a decision you knew was best for yourself. i’m also glad you had a friend with you to remind you of how true friends are supposed to make you feel. xo

    • Jen and Tonic 12/01/2013 at 4:13 pm #

      Losing a friend REALLY sucks, especially for me because I have so few, and genuinely adore the ones I do have. It does feel like a huge loss.

      Even though the situation still breaks my heart, I am feeling much better than I did. Thanks XO

  17. RFL 11/25/2013 at 1:44 pm #

    I don’t like that I hit like on this post so let me clarify. Sometimes emotions are terrifying. Owning them, letting them out, even occasionally throwing some shit around…it’s powerful.
    I am sorry about this friendship, but not that you are cutting it off and not allowing another person to use you. You deserve better, and I’m glad your best friend was there to help. Hugs.

    • Jen and Tonic 12/01/2013 at 4:13 pm #

      I do deserve better. it was something I hadn’t realized until I allowed myself to feel real, true anger. Amazing how, when used properly, it can be a good thing.

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