Ghosts of Boyfriends Past

16 Nov

“How’ve you been?”

That’s the message I received earlier this week from an ex-boyfriend. Not just any ex-boyfriend, but the ex-boyfriend. The one who crushed my heart into a million little pieces over a decade ago.

He was my first real love, and our relationship was built on a great friendship. I remember staying up all night on the phone with him, talking and laughing about anything and nothing.

They say love is friendship set on fire, and this was definitely true for us.

Our relationship was great in the beginning, but eventually began deteriorating. He and I had two very different view points on what it meant to be in a relationship. We seemed to fight about everything, and spent the last half of our relationship making up more than we did actually getting along.

Our relationship was like an addiction. You know it’s wrong for you, and it makes you feel terrible most of the time; despite this, you can’t let it go. I promised myself that tomorrow would be the day I’d break it off, and make it stick.

Tomorrow never happened.

We fought and fought and fought. Every argument took something away from me. I felt exhausted, deflated, angry, confused and unhappy.

I was living in Seattle at the time, and knew the only way to kick this bad habit would be to put some distance between us. I called my parents, and asked them if I could move back to California. My dad and grandfather helped me move when my apartment lease expired.

I was still in contact with my ex when I moved back, but we couldn’t help ourselves. We were back to our old ways.

We stopped speaking. He was dead to me.

I cried every single day for over 6 months. That’s a small price to pay to get your happiness back, but it was pure torture at the time.

When my anger for the situation finally subsided, I sincerely hoped he’d find happiness. The guy who was once dead to me was now a ghost I wished was living well in his afterlife.

I’ve thought about him off and on over the years since then. Not because I wanted him back (I recycle a lot of things, but relationships aren’t one of them) but because I don’t believe you can permanently erase someone from your memory who meant so much to you at one time.

Apparently he had been thinking about me too.

Time goes on. People change. Romance turned hatred turned indifference can one day turn friendship.

“How’ve you been?”

“Most excellent…you?

And just like that, the ghost was brought back to life.

97 Responses to “Ghosts of Boyfriends Past”

  1. krik91 11/16/2013 at 7:09 am #

    i’ve recently had this happen to me, with a guy i went out with about 5 years ago, its just of the blue sends me a message,
    :” haven’t talked to you for a long time how are you?”
    all the memories came back at once, it’s hard to let someone go.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/16/2013 at 11:51 am #

      It’s strange when someone reaches out to you after such a long period of time has passed. There definitely isn’t any romantic love there, but we were friends before. It’s hard to let go of that love.

      • krik91 11/17/2013 at 9:07 am #

        We weren’t in love, bur just crazy how stuff like this happens. Its a curve ball, its like you haven’t thought about them or talked to them in so long, and then there they are,

  2. MakeWayForLindaJ 11/16/2013 at 7:15 am #

    Jen –

    I think guys and girls can be friends if that’s what they’ve always been. But once you seen someone naked, it’s hard to UNsee them naked. Which is why all my I’ve-seen-you-naked guy friends have been relegated to Facebook friendships. It’s harder to picture someone naked on Facebook… most of the time.

    Linda

    • Jen and Tonic 11/16/2013 at 11:53 am #

      I actually never saw this boyfriend naked so there may be hope for our friendship!

      • MakeWayForLindaJ 11/16/2013 at 12:57 pm #

        On a scale from nun to whore, where do I fall since I automatically assumed that you two had bumped uglies?

        • Jen and Tonic 11/16/2013 at 1:21 pm #

          HAHAAAAAA!

          It’s a fair assumption, our relationship just wasn’t like that. I don’t even think I realized I had a vagina at that time.

  3. Diary of Doting Mom (@shyvish) 11/16/2013 at 7:19 am #

    Very true that a relationship you invest so much in, can’t completely disappear. But perhaps that’s not such a bad thing? After all, you did get something out of it-a more mature outlook maybe?

    • Jen and Tonic 11/16/2013 at 11:54 am #

      Exactly. I learned a lot from that relationship, and even from him, and that’s why you can’t ever really let it go. It exists in who you are.

  4. Polysyllabic Profundities 11/16/2013 at 7:23 am #

    I love the way you wrote this. I hope you can find some peace in your friendship. :)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/16/2013 at 11:54 am #

      Thanks! I doubt we’ll ever be besties, but it’s nice to know that someone who was such a big part of your life is doing well in life.

  5. Twindaddy 11/16/2013 at 7:28 am #

    You’re right, Jen. You CANT erase someone from your memory when they meant a lot to you once. The trick is remembering the good.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/16/2013 at 11:55 am #

      You’re totally right. In the wake of any breakup, it’s very hard to see beyond the bad, the angry, the dysfunction. After nearly a decade, the sky is very clear, and I can look back on a lot of things and smile.

  6. Cheri 11/16/2013 at 7:37 am #

    Oh my…you and I wrote about the same thing today, pretty much. I feel for you. I am struggling with the “ghosts” in a big way right now. HUGS

    • Jen and Tonic 11/16/2013 at 11:59 am #

      Just read your post, great piece! I have to say, the first couple of years after the breakup were difficult. I thought I’d never get over it. Then I found someone else. We broke up, I was sad again, then I found someone else. I’m single again, but this time I have the wisdom to know that I’m just learning my way in this world, and one day I’ll have a relationship that sticks…and I’ll be a better person for having waited for it.

      • Cheri 11/16/2013 at 12:14 pm #

        Thanks for reading. I appreciate that. The comment as well. I feel the same way, most days. My problem is I am 45 now and men my age want 20 & 30-somethings. I get hit on ALL of the time, but the men are usually either married or still in their 20’s! right now, I am actually seeing a guy who is 27 and I am NOT a cougar in any way. When we met I was out with my step-father and his GF and ALL of us thought this guy was at least in his mid-30’s … so much so that I didn’t ask. Once 2nd date came around, age came up in another conversation and I was like OMG hahaha. At first I was freaked out, but I do like the guy so I have a mind-set that this is a “just for now” thing because even I am not stupid enough to think this guy would appreciate me (or the age difference) 10-years from now.

  7. Kylie 11/16/2013 at 8:58 am #

    Ooh, be careful! It’s interesting that this post followed the one about the relationship advice on getting back old boyfriends. Not that I’m saying there’s a link (I’m being sincere).

    • Jen and Tonic 11/16/2013 at 12:00 pm #

      I know you’re being sincere! I actually wasn’t going to write about this at all, but the post from yesterday inspired me to. I was the girl who played games with the boyfriend I’m referencing in this post. We both did it which is why we fought so much.

      Taking all this time away and just living my life allowed me to see how truly stupid our relationship was, and how incompatible we are. Begging and chasing is a desperate move made by desperate people. I hate to admit it, but I was desperate.

      • Kylie 11/16/2013 at 12:20 pm #

        Like so many of us are! Driven by hormones and the mating instinct, reinforced by cultural messages about our value and happiness being tied up in our relationship status. It’s a lot to sort out. Our bodies are ready for relationships so much before our brains are!!

        • Jen and Tonic 11/16/2013 at 12:22 pm #

          Exactly! At the time it was a feather in my cap to have a boyfriend, and now I cringe thinking about being proud of that relationship.

          Damn those hormones! This is why I like getting older.

      • Kylie 11/16/2013 at 12:22 pm #

        Also, these reflective posts are wonderful. You always tell such hilarious, self-deprecating stories but you write equally well about deeper stuff. I’d be envious if I didn’t enjoy your blog so much!!

        • Jen and Tonic 11/16/2013 at 3:23 pm #

          Thanks, Kylie! Writing deeper is something I’m fairly new to, and have always wondered if people even care to read about that stuff on this site.

  8. daniheart21 11/16/2013 at 9:08 am #

    I think I’m a little afraid for you Jen. I want to scream danger! run! lol It always amazes me how toxic people can infect us. All that said… I truly hope you can be friends and that the friendship will be good for both of you. xo

    • Jen and Tonic 11/16/2013 at 12:02 pm #

      I love that your heart is in the right place Dani <3

      I don't expect much from our friendship other than the occasional, "Hey, how are you?" and catching up. I'm also way more self-aware than I used to be, and am at the point when I'll call bullshit when I see it.

      You know how sassy I can be ;)

      • daniheart21 11/16/2013 at 12:07 pm #

        yes..counting on your sassyness to protect you sweet Jen. You are definitely a wise woman these days. xo

        • Jen and Tonic 11/16/2013 at 12:11 pm #

          I owe it to my therapy! And to getting older, probably.

  9. contemplatinglove 11/16/2013 at 10:06 am #

    This reminds me of my story with my first love. Took me over 6 months to get over – most depressing time of my life.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/16/2013 at 12:03 pm #

      Right? Doesn’t 6 months seem like forever when it’s happening, but when you look back on it you know it was totally worth it. Detox sucks.

      • contemplatinglove 11/16/2013 at 12:07 pm #

        Yea. Well I think the lesson is worth it. But the pain is never deserved…

        • Jen and Tonic 11/16/2013 at 12:11 pm #

          No, it’s not, but I know for myself that there were some lessons I wouldn’t have learned had I not been knocked down. I was lost in the fog of my own thoughts to see clearly.

          • contemplatinglove 11/16/2013 at 12:12 pm #

            It seems that first live does that. Carries ceryain sadness, lots of lessons and a touch of hope.

  10. signorad 11/16/2013 at 10:33 am #

    Pretty much everything you’ve said here is what my relationship with my first boyfriend was like. He was a good guy – just not a good boyfriend. Thank goodness those days are over and we’ve both moved on with people who are more suitable for us.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/16/2013 at 12:04 pm #

      “He was a good guy – just not a good boyfriend.” Yes! Exactly. Now that I’m older and more mature I see that some of the stuff that happened between us was just immaturity. I’ve moved on, he has moved on, and that’s the best outcome you can expect from that kind of situation.

  11. javaj240 11/16/2013 at 11:17 am #

    Tread carefully, my friend!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/16/2013 at 12:05 pm #

      Thanks for the warning, darlin’. Although, knowing how similar we are, you know I’ll put the kabosh on that if I smell a rat.

      • javaj240 11/17/2013 at 6:24 am #

        Good girl!

  12. Natali S. Bravo 11/16/2013 at 11:41 am #

    Great Post! Exes come out of the woodworks when they smell your happiness. They want to test your strength.

    Please take a moment to red about my journey to forgiveness. http://bravonatalis.wordpress.com/2013/11/15/25-years-to-forgive/

    I hope it inspires others that have gone through similar events.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2013 at 1:07 pm #

      Thank you for sharing! So happy you were able to confront your situation, and finally resolve it.

  13. drewann2 11/16/2013 at 11:46 am #

    Ahh yes, I just got out I relationship like the one you describe. I think this last time what has been so easy to keep me from looking back is that I realized he didn’t seem to like anything about me. Once you realize someone doesn’t actually like you, finding peace with their absence is much easier. I didn’t think about home for two months, and it was only because I started to get horny! Ahhh, thank goodness there are alternatives. Don’t get tangled up in all the drama Jen.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/16/2013 at 12:06 pm #

      Knowing that someone doesn’t like you definitely helps put the nails in the coffin. As much as it stings, it isn’t personal. I’ve been there.

      Laughed at the horny part. I think sex has kept people together long than they needed to be for centuries.

      • drewann2 11/16/2013 at 1:45 pm #

        Yes, luckily I’m a woman of the times!!!! There are plenty of “opportunities” out there for an unattached woman!

        • Jen and Tonic 11/16/2013 at 1:46 pm #

          The internet is amazing because it also allows you opportunities that are way outside of the scope of your world. Who knows, my soulmate could live in Middle Earth!

  14. mollytopia 11/16/2013 at 12:47 pm #

    So what happened next?! My ex contacted me on FB. I went through hell getting rid of him, too, but 10 years later (I guess that’s the magic number for contacting old girlfriends?), I couldn’t have cared less. I politely responded and kept it moving. Good luck!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/16/2013 at 2:37 pm #

      That’s pretty much all that happened! I think we’ll just have a “catching up” sort of friendship. I don’t see it progressing beyond that.

      I guess 10 years is a long enough time to get over someone, and then start missing them? Such a nice, round number.

  15. Paul 11/16/2013 at 1:01 pm #

    Before I met Lou I’d come out of a long term relationship that didn’t end well at all and made it impossible to stay friends. It took me a long time to get over the heartache(described to a tee in your post with all the same daily suffering) but the more time I spent being resentful and hoping things might change the more I suffered. One night I was in bed and a really powerful piece of music came on my MP3 player and I just allowed myself to surrender to it and the next day I was as bright as a button and haven’t looked back since. No curiosity but no hard feelings either. Just a nice neutrality and happy with what I have now. Friends and an amazing wife. I really would feel weird about hearing from her now and would be really uncomfortable.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/16/2013 at 2:39 pm #

      Amazing how your heartache actually paved the way for meeting such a wonderful woman. We don’t see it at the time, but our bouts of suffering are the rain we need to help grow a new relationship.

      Glad you let go of the resentment. You don’t need that in your life!

  16. rollergiraffe 11/16/2013 at 1:57 pm #

    God, you’re cool. I would rather set myself on fire than talk to anyone I ever dated. Although one of my high school boyfriends got in touch with me one time, and it was really nice to hear about his pet snakes.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/16/2013 at 2:40 pm #

      Cool or stupid? I think my readers are divided. I can’t even imagine how that conversation with your ex went. “So, yeah, I love Monty Python. He eats about one mouse a day, and hibernates the rest of the time.”

      • Soul Walker 11/17/2013 at 6:00 pm #

        Pythons don’t eat that much Jen, not even big ones… wait, was that the wrong detail to focus on?

  17. girlseule 11/16/2013 at 2:32 pm #

    Wow, you must have been surprised. I’m still vaguely in touch with my two exes, really just on Facebook. You will have to let us know how it goes!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/16/2013 at 2:41 pm #

      Very surprised actually, mostly because of how much time had passed. There’s an assumption that if an entire decade goes by you most likely won’t hear from someone.

      I’ll keep you guys posted if we do become close again, but I wouldn’t hold my breath for that ;)

  18. Glorious Results of a Misspent Youth 11/16/2013 at 3:07 pm #

    Run!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/16/2013 at 3:08 pm #

      Nothing to run from, really. There’s personal wisdom and hundreds of miles between us.

  19. Elyse 11/16/2013 at 3:52 pm #

    There are as many potential outcomes as there are people. Go with the flow. It may lead nowhere. It may lead to friendship. It may lead to love. If you worry about it it will lead to madness.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2013 at 1:08 pm #

      Worry has been such a problem for me in my life, and I’ve finally gotten to the point where I just don’t anymore. Life is MUCH easier that way.

  20. stephrogers 11/16/2013 at 4:14 pm #

    Gosh it’s just so emotionally draining isn’t it? But it’s true, once you’ve had those feelings that run deep you can’t just erase them, and they come back at a moment’s notice.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2013 at 1:09 pm #

      It’s interesting because texting him felt like being frozen in time…but not in a “I want to get back with you” sort of way. Just that you start thinking about how life used to be. It actually made me realize how far I’ve come.

  21. Edward Hotspur 11/16/2013 at 4:23 pm #

    I recently saw a picture of an old girlfriend I had fond memories of. It was a mugshot. She had been arrested for drug possession. She was a girlfriend 24 years ago. So much for fond memories, lol.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2013 at 1:09 pm #

      Wait, is that true?! If so, you traded up, my friend. Big time.

  22. The Bumble Files 11/16/2013 at 6:54 pm #

    I totally get this, Jen. And there the ghost is brought back to life. But is this a good thing or bad?? People grow and change, but just remember, which it sounds like you are, what came before. Careful, sweetie.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2013 at 1:10 pm #

      Oh yes, I’ll never forget what happened before. Amazing how someone ripping out your heart seems to stick with you.

      The way I feel about it is…neutral. It’s nice to know he’s still out there, but I’m truly indifferent to reconnecting. I’m at such a good place in my life that I don’t need anything else.

  23. Girl Dans la Cite 11/16/2013 at 6:55 pm #

    The addiction relationship. I know it all too well. It’s exhilarating in the worst way when they get back in touch with you.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2013 at 1:11 pm #

      Ten years ago I would have died for this moment. Him contacting me, letting me know he has thought about me. Truthfully, I didn’t feel much of anything. Just that it was nice that he seemed good, and his family was doing well.

  24. Stacie Chadwick 11/16/2013 at 7:13 pm #

    Not to be a total downer, but as your elder, I have to advise caution. Most people actually don’t really change, and old feelings combined with new directions can intersect in unexpected places. That having been said, have fun, but keep your guard up. =/

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2013 at 1:13 pm #

      You are NEVER a total downer. I agree that often times when something rotten happens between you and another person, things can’t change enough to rectify that situation. I’ve learned that the hard way, and once was plenty.

  25. iRuniBreathe 11/16/2013 at 8:14 pm #

    In situations like this I always forget that I have changed, my life has moved on. You can’t go back in time and have things recreate themselves. I tend to remember the good, kind, person the ex once was, rather than the ratty scumbag things he said when he was hurt and angry. Some people will always be in your life, physically or otherwise.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2013 at 1:14 pm #

      “In situations like this I always forget that I have changed, my life has moved on.” I didn’t realize how much this was true until he contacted me. In our brief interaction, it occurred to me that he was wanting to reconnect with the old me. He doesn’t know how much growing I’ve done in the last ten years, and it’s why I can confidently say that nothing will come of this.

  26. Madame Weebles 11/16/2013 at 8:34 pm #

    My stomach started to churn while I read this. On your behalf, and also just thinking about my own boyfriends/scumbags past. Why do they DO this?

    I’ve had 4 exes try to come back, and with each one I thought, “Seriously??” But the one who wins the prize for the Most Fucked Up is the one who tried to come back multiple times, with the grand finale of trying to get me to reconsider my engagement to Mr. Weebles. I told him in no uncertain terms that I wanted him to rot in hell, ASAP.

    I hope you’re not having too much difficulty with the Resurrection of the Ghost. It can be kind of a mindfuck, as you know.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2013 at 1:17 pm #

      I know we already talked about this offline, but that situation with your ex wanting you to give up on a guy who treats you right is ridiculous. It’s like holding up a rice cracker and saying, “Want to trade that steak you have for this?” Not gonna happen.

      I realized how much therapy has already helped me because I truly didn’t care about him contacting me. I’ve wondered what this would be like, and I’ve often speculated that I’d be confused and angry, but instead I feel absolutely nothing. Progress, my friend.

      • Madame Weebles 11/20/2013 at 8:46 am #

        That’s huge progress, and I’m high-fiving you. I didn’t feel much other than just disgust and “What, are you insane?” when my ex did that. Whereas in the past, the idea of hearing from him would have made my blood boil and I would have been dreaming up all kinds of ways to ruin his life. I guess I’m becoming less vengeful in my old age.

        • Jen and Tonic 11/20/2013 at 9:02 pm #

          Yes! “What, are you insane?” Phones need to come with auto-reply feature for messaging when it detects a text from an ex.

  27. Robbie 11/16/2013 at 10:54 pm #

    Sounds complicated & intense.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2013 at 1:18 pm #

      Amazingly, it wasn’t intense. I actually just shook my head and thought, “What the hell?” I never thought this would be reaction, but I’m so happy it is.

  28. 1jaded1 11/17/2013 at 1:23 am #

    What happened next?

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2013 at 1:19 pm #

      Nothing. That’s the crazy part. We texted a bit, caught up on basic stuff like families, if I like where I’m living now, etc. But since then? Not a single thing.

  29. contemplatinglove 11/17/2013 at 6:32 am #

    Oops just left you a comment on the new post and realized after posting it, that I did read it. So this is the infamous post that some people advise you on…can’t believe it. I mean – it’s the Ex…Nobody can tell you what you should do or shouldn’t. I know how this feels. You want to ignore it, but it does touch you…in a weird ghostly way.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2013 at 1:20 pm #

      Ah, no worries. So much stuff is flying around here because of NaBloPoMo. I barely remember what I’ve written.

  30. Katie 11/17/2013 at 1:18 pm #

    I don’t know what the decorum is for situations like these, because none of my exes were anything remotely serious. We don’t talk anymore because frankly, we were never really friends to start with, but when you have that foundation, I imagine it’s totally different. If my current boyfriend and I broke up years from now, I can’t imagine not having some semblance of a relationship with him, even after.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2013 at 1:23 pm #

      I think the question is, can you still grow together? I sense I have already changed so much that my ex (referenced in this post) and I cannot have a real friendship. My most recent ex and I are thick as thieves, and I think that’s because we are still moving in the same direction, just not romantically.

  31. Sophy 11/17/2013 at 2:12 pm #

    This has recently happened to me with two different exes on two separate occasions. Just a casual “Hi” and you’re back in the same mental state as you were before you broke up. It’s madness. However, I took the time to actually sit down with one of them and discuss everything that went wrong, how I felt and how he felt. And whatayaknow, it worked out. I’m not recommending it to everyone, I think this was a rare occurrence in the world of exes, but it was nice and it reminded me of why I liked him in the first place, before we got together. So I think I faced me ghost, and set him free.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2013 at 1:27 pm #

      “So I think I faced me ghost, and set him free.” Love this, and I’m really happy you were able to speak your mind and resolve some things. In my case, just hearing from brought him back to life…and set him free. I wasn’t holding on to him, but they do linger in their own way.

  32. speaker7 11/17/2013 at 2:59 pm #

    Since you guys were friends before, it’s likely not out of the realm of possibilities that you can have some sort of friendship again especially if you know getting back together ain’t a good thing.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2013 at 1:27 pm #

      Not to be a dick, but I have better friends now. Maybe we could be friends, but I’m not rallying for it.

  33. saradraws 11/17/2013 at 4:02 pm #

    UGH. The Sporadically Reappearing Exes.
    I have one particularly problematic one. I have none that I’m particularly eager to be in touch with. A few that gave me a panic attack when I saw the friend request (block that shit faster than cheese blocks colons).
    In short, I do not have a great track record.

    I’m glad that you might find a former friend. Friends are good. And people DO change. You are a total friend score.

    • Soul Walker 11/17/2013 at 6:03 pm #

      “friend score” is a fantastic term. Thank you.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2013 at 1:28 pm #

      I’m lucky that my ex doesn’t believe in social media (he loves being hidden) because I don’t think I’d want him poking around my Facebook page. I like this safe distance thing we’ve got going on.

      And yes, sporadically appearing exes are the worst. Most of my exes are.

  34. Veronica Roth 11/17/2013 at 8:32 pm #

    Oh I see, well, that doesn’t sound so bad. :) And, at arm’s length and all that, who doesn’t want one more friend?

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2013 at 1:29 pm #

      Yep, hundreds of miles and many passing years in between us. I’d like to keep it that way.

  35. Three Time Loser 11/18/2013 at 8:45 am #

    Had a similar experience this past March when an old flame – high school boyfriend, first love, ‘the one that got away’ or however you want to describe it – found me on Facebook and sent a similar message. It would have been lovely had we not done the ‘what if?’ hook-up ten years after high school that ended very, very badly 18 months later. He had changed too much from the sweet high school love I remembered and had instead become a hard, cynical, petty, alcoholic. I gave him 18 months and then ended things. For some reason, another 14 years later he decided not only to creep me on Facebook but to message me. I had some vague knowledge of his life as we had mutual friends. (He got married on my 30th birthday which I thought was weird). The innocent ‘how are you?’ message turned into an email (my bad, I gave him my email address) which turned into him wanting to spill his guts to me and convince me that he wasn’t the ‘bad guy’ he was when we split up. I told him that he must be working his steps and that convincing me that he was a great guy and all that crap was wasting his, and my, time. I had no interest in getting together with him to ‘talk’ – for I saw no reason to rehash what was in the past. The kicker was in one of his emails when he asked, ‘where do you work? I will come pick you up after work and we will go and talk’. Ummmm… no. Not going to happen. I told him he had a need to have everyone ‘like’ him and that what happened with us was in the past and would stay there. I do have to say that once I told him to back off he did – but I don’t know in what fantasy world he was living in if he thought her could talk to me about his marital problems. Thankfully I haven’t heard a peep from him since and I really hope it stays that way.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2013 at 1:30 pm #

      Wow, sounds like this guy has boundary issues. Good for you for knowing where to draw the line. Some people need you to do it for him!

  36. PinotNinja 11/19/2013 at 5:15 am #

    While this appears to go against the grain of the majority of comments and I am the queen of bad decisions, I think its fantastic that you are back in touch and were able to have a nice conversation and wish each other well. Obviously there were plenty of good reasons why it didn’t work out and why you both have moved on, but there is also plenty of good to this person otherwise you wouldn’t have fallen for him all of those years ago. There is something nice and special about always holding onto a little bit of the people — especially the most important people — who made us who we are today.

    I kept in light touch with all of my exes — semi-annual emails or, when we were living in the same city, after work beers — and I haven’t regretted one second of it. Seeing their happiness confirms for me that I made the right decision in ending things and that we’re all better off in our new places.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/20/2013 at 9:10 pm #

      GO AGAINST THE GRAIN! I like your boldness.

      I won’t say a bad word about him because I do think he’s a good person at his core. Is he the kind of person I’d want to date or become besties with? No, but I do have respect for him as a person.

      I think it’s wonderful you keep in touch with your exes! Says a lot about your relationships.

  37. jeandayfriday 11/19/2013 at 5:19 am #

    I have had this happen to me, and I am sending you a virtual hug and a virtual pint of Ben and Jerry’s. The ones that got away are the toughest to get over, but time heals and if friendship can blossom, that is a great thing.

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