This post could alternately be titled “You Shouldn’t Believe Everything You Read on the Internet” because there is some seriously inaccurate stuff floating around out there. I wasted years of my life reading Cosmo, and my brain bled after somehow stumbling upon Yahoo! Shine. Yesterday I had the privilege of reading the worst post on dating advice I’ve come across in quite awhile.
I didn’t comment on the post, nor will I link to it here. I understand and accept that other people are allowed to write what they want. That’s precisely what gives me the liberty to lambast that post here.
I assume that breakups are a dating blogger’s bread and butter because people are falling out of love all the time, and searching for ways to cope, and get back out there. Most of the time it’s pretty standard advice like keeping busy, and finding yourself.
Yesterday I read a post written by a guy who is trying to help women get their exes back after getting dumped. Here is the abridged version:
Step 1: Men want what they can’t have so stop letting him know you like him
Step 2: Don’t contact him because it’ll make him wonder why you don’t miss him
Step 3: Take care of yourself, and think about the relationship, and why it ended (the single piece of sanity in this hot mess)
Step 4: Contact him, but don’t come across needy, or like the crazy ex-girlfriend you were. Don’t talk about your old relationship because you’ll make him think you want him back, and that’s bad.
Step 5: Now you can date him. Don’t sleep with him before solid commitment because if given the opportunity, all men will use you.
What in the…
There are only three reasons you should ever listen to this: you are 13 and haven’t yet learned how to be a mature adult in a relationship, you’ve just had a lobotomy, or you are an asshat.
I am not a dating guru. I am not a dating blogger. I don’t even actively date. However, I do know fuckery when I see it.
The post bothered me on so many levels, but I’ll just highlight my top complaints:
- Mind games and emotional unavailability are what it takes to get a man interested in you
- Men will use you for sex if given the chance
- If a man breaks up with you, it is 100% your fault, and was due to the fact that you were crazy and clingy
- Don’t tell him you miss him or like him because that’s needy
- Don’t bring up the stuff that happened in your relationship before because who wants to work on problems?
As I said, I am not an expert in this field, but I can say with absolutely certainty that these mind games will either leave you very, very single, or in a very, very destructive relationship. This is bad advice at best, and a road map to emotional manipulation at worst.
I would never want to be with a man who thought I was clingy and needy because I told him I missed him. I would never want to be with a man who didn’t want to talk about our old problems before getting back together. I would never want to be with a man who I thought would use me under any circumstance. And I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be with the guy who wrote this post.
Relationships are supposed to be about trust. They are supposed to be about communication. They are supposed to be about finding someone who doesn’t make you feel crazy for wanting to be close. Relationships are about being on equal footing, and not like a dog begging for its master’s scraps at the dinner table.
Word to the wise: don’t believe everything you read on the internet.