Panty Droppin’ Coffee

8 Nov

If you’ve been following this blog for years awhile this week, you know that I work from home. I’ve been telecommuting for the past year, but prior to that, I was part of the daily grind just like everyone else. This was before I started barking at strangers, and considering brushing my teeth optional.

I am not a morning person in the least bit. I was meant to go to bed at 2AM, and wake up at 10AM. Anything deviating from this means you’re not getting me at my best, and by “best” I mean everyone else’s version of mediocre.

This is how my mornings used to look:

  • Alarm goes off
  • Curse myself for not being born a Kardashian
  • Get up and drop a couple F-bombs on my alarm
  • Look in the mirror and wonder if science will one day be able to help me
  • Wash face/brush teeth/pee while checking Facebook on my phone
  • Pick out an outfit that screams “you don’t pay me enough to dress well”
  • Head to work vowing to find a rich husband because I’m too awesome to work
  • Get coffee because my hypothalamus is bossy as hell

brainasshole

As we all know, routines aren’t fool proof. Sometimes my alarm wouldn’t go off, causing me to run around like a methed up Usain Bolt. I’d be eating breakfast while blow drying my hair while looking for my keys while getting dressed.

One morning I woke up particularly late, leaving me with 10 minutes to get out the door if I wanted to get coffee and still be on time to work. I had just enough time to pee, brush my teeth, slap on some tinted moisturizer, and dig through the dryer for something to wear before taking off.

Despite my blood pressure reaching stroke levels, I was able to calm down once I saw Starbucks in the distance. I knew that I would soon have a caffeinated beverage in hand, allowing for my brain and body to once again work together as a pair.

cocainelatteI walked in, and there were at least 3,000 people in line. I had to decide between getting coffee, and being late to work. I thought about how much they paid me and thought, “They should be happy I show up at all.”

As I slowly moved my way up the line, my pant leg began bunching up. I reached down, and straightened it. Again I moved, and again it bunched up. I shook my leg a bit, hoping it would fix itself. It didn’t, so I shook a little more vigorously.

Do you know what happens when you continuously shake the leg of a pair of pants you pulled out of a static-laden dryer? You launch a pair of ratty, oversized underwear you only wear when your uterus has swelled to the size of an oil tanker into the middle of a packed Starbucks.

PURE SEKS

PURE SEKS

People saw the miniature parachute, looked at me, and I could feel their pity burrowing a hole into the side of my head. They’d go to work and say, “Some girl at Starbucks threw her underwear around like she was at a KISS concert. At first I thought it was a small pillowcase, but it was definitely a pair of panties.”

My first instinct was to run out of there, leaving my panties as a warning to all oversleepers, but decided to stick it out and get my coffee. It was a long 10 minutes in line.

Later that day I called a friend, and we laughed as I told him about the incident. “Don’t ever let it be said that the coffee at Starbucks isn’t any good. It’s so amazing it’ll rip the panties right off of you.”

91 Responses to “Panty Droppin’ Coffee”

  1. DeeDee 11/12/2013 at 5:27 am #

    ROFLMAO. That is all. :)

  2. daniheart21 11/11/2013 at 4:33 pm #

    wow. that’s pretty darn good Jen. lol I love living vicariously through your misadventures. lol

  3. EuphonicCharity 11/11/2013 at 7:55 am #

    Your humorous approach to public embarrassment is inspiring. Thank you for sharing the story and the laugh. I enjoyed reading it while sipping my coffee ^_^

  4. allthoughtswork 11/10/2013 at 12:12 pm #

    “Despite my blood pressure reaching stroke levels, I was able to calm down once I saw Starbucks in the distance.”

    Nominated this for the All-Time Ironic and Befuddling Statement Uttered by a Human Award. You are up against politicians and reality shows stars, so don’t hold your breath.

    “Look in the mirror and wonder if science will one day be able to help me”

    May shamelessly plagiarize this in the near future as a bribe for the nomination. That none of the mirrors in my house have cracks in them is a physics mystery for Neil deGrasse Tyson to unravel.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/10/2013 at 1:47 pm #

      Wait. I’m up for an ATIBSUHA award? I can die a happy person.

      You are welcome to shamelessly plagiarize that quote for the simple fact that you dropped Neil deGrasse Tyson’s name on this blog.

  5. Edee Lemonier 11/09/2013 at 2:57 pm #

    I once had a bra fall out. A freaking bra. If you saw me in person you’d faint, because how the hell I missed a ginormous over the shoulder boulder holder is beyond me.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/10/2013 at 1:45 pm #

      An entire bra?! HAAAAAAAA! You could have pretended it was one of those helmets from water polo.

  6. Katie 11/09/2013 at 1:56 pm #

    That’s why I wear the tightest pants possible to make sure my saggy boyshorts don’t make a cameo appearance while I run errands.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2013 at 2:10 pm #

      If I have to choose between comfort and the security of knowing my underwear are under wraps…I’ll choose comfort every time.

  7. Ned's Blog 11/09/2013 at 10:30 am #

    It’s only a matter of time before that happens to me. And my wife’s panties will be involved. Could be bad, or it could make me a legend at our local Starbuck’s. I’ll let you know.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2013 at 2:08 pm #

      I think you’d look spectacular in a little lacy pair of underwear.

      • Ned's Blog 11/09/2013 at 2:35 pm #

        Yes, I have. I mean would… WOULD!

        • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2013 at 2:36 pm #

          You are a saucy little dish.

          • Ned's Blog 11/09/2013 at 2:44 pm #

            True story that isn’t going to help: I’m a volunteer firefighter and got tapped out in the middle of the night. I couldn’t find my underwear so I wore my wife’s panties. (You need that extra layer of protection. I won’t tell you why I couldn’t find my underwear). In any case, my wife and I now refer to them as her “hot pants.'” Or maybe they’re mine now; I’m not sure. That’s actually about as kinky as I get.

          • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2013 at 2:50 pm #

            “Cross dressing firefighter saves family of 5″

            That’ll be a headline someday.

          • Ned's Blog 11/09/2013 at 3:04 pm #

            Haha! And I’ll be the one proofing the headline in our newspaper. Perfect.

  8. rarasaur 11/09/2013 at 1:04 am #

    Ha! This sounds like something I would do, but somehow–miraculously– have not yet done. :D

  9. shreejacob 11/08/2013 at 11:38 pm #

    Hahahaha!

    I’m wondering that your hair dryer must really have a long cord…..

    I’m sure you’re glad that you don’t need to go to work to be at work ;)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2013 at 2:08 pm #

      I meant clothes dryer. I am way too lazy to dry my clothes with a hair dryer. And yes, I’m VERY glad.

  10. javaj240 11/08/2013 at 9:40 pm #

    Frankly, I’m shocked that this has never happened to me, LOL! For the record, there is no amount of embarrassment that I would not endure for a cup of Starbuck’s. No amount. Sad and pathetic, but true!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2013 at 2:07 pm #

      We should fling our panties into the middle of a Starbucks together sometime.

      • javaj240 11/09/2013 at 8:16 pm #

        We should. I’d have to go out of my five-mile radius, though. I’m pretty well-known at most of the Starbuck’s in the area. :)

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