Panty Droppin’ Coffee

8 Nov

If you’ve been following this blog for years awhile this week, you know that I work from home. I’ve been telecommuting for the past year, but prior to that, I was part of the daily grind just like everyone else. This was before I started barking at strangers, and considering brushing my teeth optional.

I am not a morning person in the least bit. I was meant to go to bed at 2AM, and wake up at 10AM. Anything deviating from this means you’re not getting me at my best, and by “best” I mean everyone else’s version of mediocre.

This is how my mornings used to look:

  • Alarm goes off
  • Curse myself for not being born a Kardashian
  • Get up and drop a couple F-bombs on my alarm
  • Look in the mirror and wonder if science will one day be able to help me
  • Wash face/brush teeth/pee while checking Facebook on my phone
  • Pick out an outfit that screams “you don’t pay me enough to dress well”
  • Head to work vowing to find a rich husband because I’m too awesome to work
  • Get coffee because my hypothalamus is bossy as hell

brainasshole

As we all know, routines aren’t fool proof. Sometimes my alarm wouldn’t go off, causing me to run around like a methed up Usain Bolt. I’d be eating breakfast while blow drying my hair while looking for my keys while getting dressed.

One morning I woke up particularly late, leaving me with 10 minutes to get out the door if I wanted to get coffee and still be on time to work. I had just enough time to pee, brush my teeth, slap on some tinted moisturizer, and dig through the dryer for something to wear before taking off.

Despite my blood pressure reaching stroke levels, I was able to calm down once I saw Starbucks in the distance. I knew that I would soon have a caffeinated beverage in hand, allowing for my brain and body to once again work together as a pair.

cocainelatteI walked in, and there were at least 3,000 people in line. I had to decide between getting coffee, and being late to work. I thought about how much they paid me and thought, “They should be happy I show up at all.”

As I slowly moved my way up the line, my pant leg began bunching up. I reached down, and straightened it. Again I moved, and again it bunched up. I shook my leg a bit, hoping it would fix itself. It didn’t, so I shook a little more vigorously.

Do you know what happens when you continuously shake the leg of a pair of pants you pulled out of a static-laden dryer? You launch a pair of ratty, oversized underwear you only wear when your uterus has swelled to the size of an oil tanker into the middle of a packed Starbucks.

PURE SEKS

PURE SEKS

People saw the miniature parachute, looked at me, and I could feel their pity burrowing a hole into the side of my head. They’d go to work and say, “Some girl at Starbucks threw her underwear around like she was at a KISS concert. At first I thought it was a small pillowcase, but it was definitely a pair of panties.”

My first instinct was to run out of there, leaving my panties as a warning to all oversleepers, but decided to stick it out and get my coffee. It was a long 10 minutes in line.

Later that day I called a friend, and we laughed as I told him about the incident. “Don’t ever let it be said that the coffee at Starbucks isn’t any good. It’s so amazing it’ll rip the panties right off of you.”

91 Responses to “Panty Droppin’ Coffee”

  1. nobodysreadingme 11/08/2013 at 5:10 am #

    My ex-wife once shook a pair of knickers out of her jeans in the supermarket. I’m afraid to say I laughed a lot at that.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2013 at 1:38 pm #

      Oh god, really? Did she abandon the cart, or stick it out like a champ?

      • nobodysreadingme 11/10/2013 at 8:24 am #

        We just walked on as if nothing had happened. Me and Mrs Joe Cool.

  2. NotAPunkRocker 11/08/2013 at 5:14 am #

    Granny panties are awesome. We need to have more incidents like this to bring them back into fashion (under our clothes, of course).

    • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2013 at 1:38 pm #

      I wish they weren’t so comfortable, but having them sort of hang off of you when you’re lounging in bed….that’s comfort.

  3. E. 11/08/2013 at 5:42 am #

    Thankfully, I’ve managed to avoid such an incident, but I go back to school here in a couple months, so we’ll see.
    Great post — it was hilarious!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2013 at 1:39 pm #

      Make sure to give your pants a good pat down before entering the classroom. You’re kind of dedicated to sticking around once you’re in there.

      • E. 11/09/2013 at 1:40 pm #

        There’s no way I would have thought of that on my own. Haha

  4. philosophermouseofthehedge 11/08/2013 at 6:02 am #

    Another valid reason why telecommuting is so necessary. Not only efficient – much less embarrassing.

  5. Kath Carroll 11/08/2013 at 6:03 am #

    Hysterical! Thanks for getting my unfortunately sans-Starbucks day off to a great start!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2013 at 1:43 pm #

      This blog is the only thing better than caffeine.

  6. Cathy Ulrich 11/08/2013 at 6:33 am #

    That’s why I think more Starbucks should have drive-throughs…

  7. michellestodden 11/08/2013 at 6:43 am #

    When Maya was still a baby, I bent over at work once and had a breastfeeding pad fall out of my bra.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2013 at 1:43 pm #

      Oh god. Was it totally soaked in breast milk? I imagine that could bring about a fetish crowd.

      • michellestodden 11/09/2013 at 5:16 pm #

        No, thank God. That was the only blessing in that situation.

  8. donofalltrades 11/08/2013 at 6:45 am #

    Oh dear! Did you pick them up and parasail the rest of the way to work?? Lol. You rock, Jen!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2013 at 1:44 pm #

      I put them on a boat, and used them to sail to another continent. I can’t show my face in this one anymore.

  9. CrazySmartClueless 11/08/2013 at 7:13 am #

    That make me laugh out loud. I think the correct response is to whirl them around your head upon receipt of your coffee and shout ‘Yeah baby’ while flinging them at the barista. You’d be the Jared of Starbucks before noon…

    • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2013 at 1:45 pm #

      What a PR stunt that would be. “My name is Jen, and drinking Starbucks allowed me to become comfortable in my own skin. I can’t keep my clothes on anymore!”

  10. Amy 11/08/2013 at 7:22 am #

    Oh man I am always so worried about this happening to me! Good to know you survived the embarrassment, if it ever does happen I’ll be able to look to you as an inspiration, great post :)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2013 at 1:47 pm #

      Consider me the Dalai Lama of unfortunate incidents.

  11. Carrie Rubin 11/08/2013 at 7:35 am #

    Oh my God, you had me laughing with this one. How embarrassing. But sounds like you handled it like a pro. Then again, is anyone ever a pro at something like this?…

    • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2013 at 1:50 pm #

      I think you get good at brushing things off because you don’t know what it’s like to live a normal life.

  12. The Cutter 11/08/2013 at 8:07 am #

    This is one of the reasons why I’ve avoided drinking coffee. I don’t want to be throwing my underwear everywhere.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2013 at 1:50 pm #

      Caffeine is the catalyst to promiscuous behavior. (un)Scientific Fact.

  13. Doggy's Style 11/08/2013 at 8:08 am #

    Ohh lord!
    I would have loved to be there, so I could have write a post about that girls who dropped her panties.
    Thanks for the laugh!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2013 at 1:51 pm #

      “Went to get coffee today. Some crazy girl dressed in wrinkled clothing kicked her panties at me. Is she hitting on me, or just a hot mess? I guess we’ll never know.”

  14. oldmainer 11/08/2013 at 9:04 am #

    I had an aunt that, while standing up to be introduced to a man, had her panties fall around her ankles. She simply stepped out of them and put them in her purse. One cool lady.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2013 at 1:53 pm #

      I have never wanted to be another person, but now I want to be her. What style.

  15. SocietyRed 11/08/2013 at 9:31 am #

    Hilarious Jen!
    At least they were clean!
    Red

  16. Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher 11/08/2013 at 9:45 am #

    At least a miniature animal did not come out of your pants…like a gerbil..that would have been Richard-Gere-Difficult to explain….

  17. elinwaldal 11/08/2013 at 10:13 am #

    Just choked on my made at home coffee from laughing!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2013 at 1:55 pm #

      BE CAREFUL. We can’t have any deaths on this blog!

  18. Seb 11/08/2013 at 10:50 am #

    The physics of this is rattling my brain. I need a video to understand it….

  19. quinndien 11/08/2013 at 12:24 pm #

    Ha ha! When I was thirteen — to teach me a lesson about littering my dirty clothes on the bathroom floor — my dad put a pair of my underwear in my lunch bag. Yeah. Sitting at the 7th grade cafeteria and whipping out a pair of my dirty underwear for everyone to see was a highlight of my junior high career. It was also effective.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2013 at 2:03 pm #

      OHMIGOD. OHMIGOD. OHMIGOD.

      Parenting: you’re doing it right.

  20. Robbie 11/08/2013 at 5:39 pm #

    I dislike coffee but this was freaking hilarious!

  21. Psychobabble 11/08/2013 at 6:08 pm #

    Your embarrassing stories always win.
    Also, you know how to sweet-talk a therapist by mentioning the hypothalamus. Hotness.

  22. The Bumble Files 11/08/2013 at 7:21 pm #

    You have the funniest stories, Jen! I can’t believe these things happen to you. I would have stuck it out for coffee, too. Oh, yeah. It’s worth it. Good call on that.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2013 at 2:05 pm #

      At that time I couldn’t function without caffeine. I wasn’t thinking clearly. My brain was just telling me that coffee trumped embarrassment.

  23. larksnotesthis 11/08/2013 at 7:49 pm #

    Hahahahaha! I love that closing line. That’s quite the endorsement for Starbucks, indeed.

  24. Veronica Roth 11/08/2013 at 8:05 pm #

    Lol, I wish I drank coffee now! Sending the link to Chloe so she doesn’t think she’s the only one to pull these moves. :)

  25. Nichole 11/08/2013 at 8:06 pm #

    That is horrific and delightful. That’s happened to me before, but it was just a sock. I would have to melt into the floor if my underpants fell out of my overpants.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2013 at 2:06 pm #

      Pants are evil pranksters. They hold on to your clothes until the exact moment you’re around other people, and then just spit them out.

  26. javaj240 11/08/2013 at 9:40 pm #

    Frankly, I’m shocked that this has never happened to me, LOL! For the record, there is no amount of embarrassment that I would not endure for a cup of Starbuck’s. No amount. Sad and pathetic, but true!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2013 at 2:07 pm #

      We should fling our panties into the middle of a Starbucks together sometime.

      • javaj240 11/09/2013 at 8:16 pm #

        We should. I’d have to go out of my five-mile radius, though. I’m pretty well-known at most of the Starbuck’s in the area. :)

  27. shreejacob 11/08/2013 at 11:38 pm #

    Hahahaha!

    I’m wondering that your hair dryer must really have a long cord…..

    I’m sure you’re glad that you don’t need to go to work to be at work ;)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2013 at 2:08 pm #

      I meant clothes dryer. I am way too lazy to dry my clothes with a hair dryer. And yes, I’m VERY glad.

  28. rarasaur 11/09/2013 at 1:04 am #

    Ha! This sounds like something I would do, but somehow–miraculously– have not yet done. :D

  29. Ned's Blog 11/09/2013 at 10:30 am #

    It’s only a matter of time before that happens to me. And my wife’s panties will be involved. Could be bad, or it could make me a legend at our local Starbuck’s. I’ll let you know.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2013 at 2:08 pm #

      I think you’d look spectacular in a little lacy pair of underwear.

      • Ned's Blog 11/09/2013 at 2:35 pm #

        Yes, I have. I mean would… WOULD!

        • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2013 at 2:36 pm #

          You are a saucy little dish.

          • Ned's Blog 11/09/2013 at 2:44 pm #

            True story that isn’t going to help: I’m a volunteer firefighter and got tapped out in the middle of the night. I couldn’t find my underwear so I wore my wife’s panties. (You need that extra layer of protection. I won’t tell you why I couldn’t find my underwear). In any case, my wife and I now refer to them as her “hot pants.’” Or maybe they’re mine now; I’m not sure. That’s actually about as kinky as I get.

          • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2013 at 2:50 pm #

            “Cross dressing firefighter saves family of 5″

            That’ll be a headline someday.

          • Ned's Blog 11/09/2013 at 3:04 pm #

            Haha! And I’ll be the one proofing the headline in our newspaper. Perfect.

  30. Katie 11/09/2013 at 1:56 pm #

    That’s why I wear the tightest pants possible to make sure my saggy boyshorts don’t make a cameo appearance while I run errands.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2013 at 2:10 pm #

      If I have to choose between comfort and the security of knowing my underwear are under wraps…I’ll choose comfort every time.

  31. Edee Lemonier 11/09/2013 at 2:57 pm #

    I once had a bra fall out. A freaking bra. If you saw me in person you’d faint, because how the hell I missed a ginormous over the shoulder boulder holder is beyond me.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/10/2013 at 1:45 pm #

      An entire bra?! HAAAAAAAA! You could have pretended it was one of those helmets from water polo.

  32. allthoughtswork 11/10/2013 at 12:12 pm #

    “Despite my blood pressure reaching stroke levels, I was able to calm down once I saw Starbucks in the distance.”

    Nominated this for the All-Time Ironic and Befuddling Statement Uttered by a Human Award. You are up against politicians and reality shows stars, so don’t hold your breath.

    “Look in the mirror and wonder if science will one day be able to help me”

    May shamelessly plagiarize this in the near future as a bribe for the nomination. That none of the mirrors in my house have cracks in them is a physics mystery for Neil deGrasse Tyson to unravel.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/10/2013 at 1:47 pm #

      Wait. I’m up for an ATIBSUHA award? I can die a happy person.

      You are welcome to shamelessly plagiarize that quote for the simple fact that you dropped Neil deGrasse Tyson’s name on this blog.

  33. EuphonicCharity 11/11/2013 at 7:55 am #

    Your humorous approach to public embarrassment is inspiring. Thank you for sharing the story and the laugh. I enjoyed reading it while sipping my coffee ^_^

  34. daniheart21 11/11/2013 at 4:33 pm #

    wow. that’s pretty darn good Jen. lol I love living vicariously through your misadventures. lol

  35. DeeDee 11/12/2013 at 5:27 am #

    ROFLMAO. That is all. :)

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