Will The Real Jen Please Stand Up?

4 Nov

My name is Jennifer Sharp. My online persona is Jen and Tonic, and my friends call me Jen. My youngest sister calls me Jesher, and my hot neighbor refers to me as the girl who stares too hard when he jogs without his shirt on. These are my names.

What’s in a name anyway? I began thinking about this when I Googled myself the other day. I read an article about people losing out on jobs after employers did simple internet searches on them. It got me thinking about what someone would find out about me if they looked up my name.

What I found was appalling. They’d find next to nothing on me; instead, they’d find a wealth of information on other Jennifer Sharps around the world. These women are everywhere in internet searches because they’re doing things, and making a difference in the world. I’m writing this while wearing “Sunday Underwear” (which are called that because they’re holy as hell,) and hair that looks as though it’s terrified of brushes.

Who are these other Jens, and why are they hijacking my identity? Not only hijacking it, but making me look badly while they’re at it.

The Filmmaker

She’s not just a filmmaker. No, she’s also a director, writer, editor and producer. The closest I’ve ever come to releasing a film was the time I sold my VHS collection. This woman raised $18,000 in film funding along with another $4,500 in in-kind donations. She has screened at festivals, and won numerous awards for her work in film. She was making cinematic history while I was making Egg McMuffin runs.



The Photographer

This woman has one of my dream jobs. She gets to go on location and capture smiles, creating memories for families that will last a lifetime. The most notable thing I captured recently was a spider that had large fangs, and murder in its eyes. Her Facebook fan page has over 1,800 likes compared to mine which seems to have topped out at 259. The most notable thing I’ve ever caught on film was my friend’s dog taking a poop in her shoe.

Photo skillz

I call this masterpiece “Dizzy Coffee Table”

The Executive

She has held prestigious positions at companies that are household names. Her LinkedIn profile is so impressive that if I hadn’t done additional research, I would have thought she made it all up. Employers read her resume, and immediately figure out how to poach her from her current place of work. Employers read mine, and pass me up because they don’t think I’ll pass the drug test.

An Alabama Hot Pocket is not a tasty microwaveable treat

An Alabama Hot Pocket is not a tasty microwaveable treat

The Volleyball Player

I love playing with balls as much as the next girl, but I don’t have my own Wikipedia page, professional beach shots, or awards to show for it. While she isn’t an Olympic medalist, she and her teammate did place in a tournament a few years ago. The closest I’ve come to a volleyball in recent history is when I cried while watching Wilson float away from Tom Hanks in “Castaway”.



As my roommate told me, it’s not a competition. That’s a good thing because if it was, I’d be in last place right now. I can only hope that one day another Jennifer Sharp will Google herself, and find tons of search returns for an undeniably sexy writer with 11 best sellers to her name. What’s the point of existing on the internet if you can’t make others insecure with your presence?

I want to know: have any of you ever searched for yourself? What’s the best/worst thing you’ve found?

129 Responses to “Will The Real Jen Please Stand Up?”

  1. vyvacious 11/10/2013 at 12:49 pm #

    I plead the 5th. But DON’T look me up…just don’t do it! *runs away*

  2. writerwendyreid 11/06/2013 at 7:31 pm #

    I googled myself (I still say that sounds dirty) and came up with lawyers, executive directors, an architect and a model. The links to my facebook page and my blog appeared on the second page. I’ll take that. :-)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2013 at 1:22 pm #

      Second page is awesome! Are you sure YOU weren’t the model you found?

      • writerwendyreid 11/10/2013 at 10:08 pm #

        awww…no, but thanks hon. xo

  3. persephone2013 11/05/2013 at 3:33 pm #

    I won’t reveal my real name, but let’s just leave it at, it’s a very common name. So common in fact, that when I registered to give birth to my son, I discovered there is another woman with my name also registered with our local hospital system. Thankfully, they always ask for birth date and then other info so there is no confusion.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:29 am #

      Wow, talk about a close encounter. How odd that we’re all living these parallel lives. Almost TOO parallel.

  4. Burns the Fire 11/05/2013 at 11:39 am #

    There is only one me as far as I can tell, although the best and worst descriptions I ever saw are some search terms for my blog, like- jewish nose hairy girls arm legs and vaginas… and chainsmoking mothers & daughters… and constant dreams of concentration camps. Last but not least: Philip butcher tuberculosis old man’s feet and chinese clean vagina tumblr.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:28 am #

      Those are awesomely terrifying blog search terms. I get a lot of “justin timberlake pube head” for some reason. It’s scary to think about what people are searching for out there.

  5. Madame Weebles 11/05/2013 at 7:38 am #

    There’s another chick in NYC with the same name as me, who’s a fitness and nutrition expert. No joke. In other words, she’s the Bizarro Me.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:27 am #

      WHAT? You have a Jillian Michaels name twin?! I want to show her the joy of doing nothing.

  6. Aimee 11/05/2013 at 6:11 am #

    My most popular Google alter ego is apparently a very successful architect. She’s all over the internet. Another is a spa owner, and a third works for the CDC. I do not show up at all! Ah well, I have influence in my own family if not the world wide web! Don’t be discouraged–we all know you are the best Jennifer Sharp out there!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:26 am #

      Being able to influence your family is harder than any of those other jobs.

  7. The Hook 11/05/2013 at 5:17 am #

    I found a link to my book, which is the best/worst thing about one part of my life right now.
    As for you, well you my friend, are the only Jennifer Sharp worth knowing.
    And you can trust me on that. I’m a bellman.
    Buck up, buttercup!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:26 am #

      You’re a bellman?! How did I not know this? I feel like I have so many questions to ask you. I’m (honestly) fascinated by that profession.

      Have you read the book “Heads in Beds”? You’d probably like it.

      Also, ROCK ON with your book being the top search for your name. Although, you don’t seem 100% happy with that.

      • The Hook 11/06/2013 at 6:36 am #

        I’ve read “Heads in Beds”.
        I have nothing but contempt for its author, a weasel who advocates stealing robes, movies or anything else from hotels. But the book was very well-written, no doubt by a crack team of editors and ghost writers.

        As for my feelings on my book, Jen, my book failed and so I feel ashamed at times. But I’ll never give up. Someday soon I’ll finish a second book that will leave me with a sense of pride.

        If you have any questions, feel free to fire away anytime.
        Rock on, Jen!

  8. Calamity Rae 11/05/2013 at 3:55 am #

    (of course I’m the special ed kid on the block who apparently doesn’t know how to properly “reply” to the blog as I’ve replied to a reply as opposed to the post. groan.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:25 am #

      You slap your comment wherever you damn well please. I like that in a woman.

  9. catherinefr 11/05/2013 at 2:41 am #

    Hi! I’m on the yeah write NaBloPoMo grid and found you through Rarasaur’s blog! I like your blog! I get a couple of results which are actually me, high up on the google search, but the others that have my name are a massage therapist and someone who has published a book on knitting :)

    • Calamity Rae 11/05/2013 at 3:54 am #

      Hi JENNIFER SHARP, I found you via Miss Edee and NaBloPoMo and you live up to the expectation! I think we should collectively slam your comments with JENNIFER SHARP, so you will soon reign as the number one JENNIFER SHARP on the internet and all other JENNIFER SHARPS will wonder just who in the hell is this funny girl JENNIFER SHARP?? And employers will undoubtedly know that you are the REAL JENNIFER SHARP. Keep rockin’ the NaBloPoMO.

      • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:24 am #

        Google just called me and informed me I broke the internet with all of this amazing SEO magic you’ve done here.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:21 am #

      Hi Catherine! Nice to meet another person through the grid. So many amazing people participating this year.

      A book on knitting? A massage therapist? I bet in real life you do something equally as relaxing as those two.

  10. superwomanseven 11/05/2013 at 2:08 am #

    Not merely just a Jennifer Sharp but a totally awesome Jen and Tonic Jennifer Sharp! You are also my newfound blog that I love – which puts you pretty high up there you know! It’ll be an internet sensation “Superwoman loves Jen and Tonic” – we will be google worthy in no time ;-) My google search returned a retired Irish sports person who is also a man! Just for the record I am all woman!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:20 am #

      Thanks for the kind words about my blog! It’s always good to have superwoman on your side. I can’t wait until we team up and crush the competition together.

  11. elinwaldal 11/04/2013 at 10:40 pm #

    Yeah well, aren’t too many Elin Stebbins Waldal’s out there, so I can’t even try to pretend I’m not me anymore…well unless I return to the name my mother first gave me and changed when I was all of 9 months, but that is a different story altogether. So glad we are Rowmies!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:18 am #

      Yes, you definitely have a unique name. Good for branding, bad for anonymity.

      Oh, and I’m glad too!

  12. List of X 11/04/2013 at 10:08 pm #

    I don’t have this problem. My name is rare enough that most search results are about me, so I guess I’m the most famous person with this name. There is another guy who is a lawyer somewhere, and a third one who pegged himself as Sagittarius, which is, apparently, his crowning achievement.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:18 am #

      “Hi, I’m X and I’m a Sagittarius. The end.”

  13. stephrogers 11/04/2013 at 8:27 pm #

    You know I have never searched myself…. But now I feel this burning need, the need for internet speed. Or maybe I just want another chocolate biscuit.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:17 am #

      DO IT. Who are these other steph rogers? The world needs to know.

  14. jackie 11/04/2013 at 6:23 pm #

    There’s an opera singer who shares my name. She’s quite accomplished. I, on the other hand, couldn’t carry a tune if there was a handle on it. I’ve never googled her image, but I’d bet money that she’s thin and attractive — rare for an opera singer, but I just know she’s the exception to the rule.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:17 am #

      Not only is she trying to best you, but she’s trying to best other people in her field. Sounds like a real diva.

  15. Aussa Lorens 11/04/2013 at 5:09 pm #

    Girl, facebook is lying to you. I just went and liked you and it STILL says 259. It’s some kind of conspiracy.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:16 am #

      I saw that last night, and I wrote a sternly worded letter to Mark Zuckerberg. This morning I saw my numbers went up.

  16. rarasaur 11/04/2013 at 4:53 pm #

    Google thinks my real name is a spelling error. :)

  17. The Bumble Files 11/04/2013 at 4:47 pm #

    Jen, you’re always #1 and at the top of the list!! I’ve looked up myself. Apparently, I’m a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader. Dammit! I kind of pissed about that. I can’t compete with her!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:15 am #

      I bet your husband would definitely like you in that uniform. MEOW.

  18. Viciously Sweet 11/04/2013 at 3:36 pm #

    I google searched me and I found a photo of me with a bunny hat next to a pinata for no particular reason.
    I think that makes me internet fabulous. The only other Lauren with my last name is a realestate agent in Alabama.
    I think you are pretty internet fabulous too!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:15 am #

      For no particular reason? Um, finding a picture like that is FULL of reason. In fact, I am going to buy a bunny hat and stand next to a pinata.

  19. Stacie Chadwick 11/04/2013 at 3:33 pm #

    One night I drank too much tequila (I know, shocking, right?) and discovered my alter-ego Chasie Stadwick. I wasn’t really searching for myself, but sometimes enlightenment comes from the strangest places. I won’t say if the discovery was good or bad. My therapist usually fields that question.

  20. iRuniBreathe 11/04/2013 at 2:55 pm #

    Before I got married I did google myself and came up with some big nothing. It was kind of liberating to think I could go through the world incognito and if anyone asked who I was I could say I’m Anonymous!
    Now there are a few others of me… one of them actually lives in the same town as me, is in some of the same outreaches of social circles, and works in the same area of employment as me. We’ve never met but we do get each other’s work email at times. I had a good time catching up with her old ex high-school boyfriend once. ;)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:14 am #

      WHOA, that’s freaky! I once met a woman who had my first and last name and the same date of birth. I felt like we had some cosmic connection, but it turns out she’s a bitch.

  21. Kylie 11/04/2013 at 2:14 pm #

    I’m envious of you. You have so much internet cover!! I’m the only one in the whole world with my name, so I can’t hide. It really puts a damper on things :/

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:13 am #

      You are the only one in the world which means you can completely take over the Kylie corner of the interwebz. Niche market.

      • Kylie 11/06/2013 at 12:21 am #

        Uh, no… Unfortunately, that spot belongs to Kylie Minogue. She haunts me.

  22. Ms. Roberts 11/04/2013 at 1:44 pm #

    I looked myself up too. There’s a dermatologist that has the same name as me and there’s a Heather Roberts Band!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:12 am #

      There’s a band? Not surprising since you’re also a rockstar.

      • Ms. Roberts 11/06/2013 at 2:41 pm #

        :P Thanks. I try.

        Actually, I do sing in a band we just all have day jobs.

  23. Katie 11/04/2013 at 1:40 pm #

    There are so many Katie/Katherine Hoffmans. It’s the one thing that gives me solace if anyone tried to find my Internet footprint.

    There’s one that’s a Christian Womens Speaker and Author named Katie Hoffman and another source claims, “Katie Hoffman is an intuitive artist who lives and works in Denver, Colorado.” …Actually no, I’m in the Chicago suburbs blasting “Wrecking Ball” when no other cars are around me and Instagramming pictures of my meals. Like a boss.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:12 am #

      As a follower of your Instagram, I’d like more pictures of your meals. I look at them when I eat fast food to feel like I’m eating real food.

  24. Bill McMorrow 11/04/2013 at 1:36 pm #

    There’s a Bill McMorrow that is apparently some kind of real estate tycoon in California. So I’ve created a sort of East Coast – West Coast feud with him, ala Biggie and Tupac. Although our feud would probably be a lot cooler if I told him about it. I’m sure he’s always being confused with that foulmouthed East Coast Bill McMorrow, so he probably knows that we’re at war.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:11 am #

      Billy, Billy, Billy, can’t you see, sometimes your listings just hypnotize me.

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