Matchmaker Mayhem

19 Mar

This should come as no surprise, but there are people who are worried about me. It’s not because the last time I brushed my hair Monica Lewinsky was smoking a cigar from her beef curtains. It’s not even because my I’ve begun talking about reality show characters as though they were my real friends. It’s because I’m single.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but I wish my friends would stop telling me about a “great guy” they know. I appreciate the concern, I do. Everyone should be so lucky to have friends who care so much that they go out of their way to try and make you happy. My issue isn’t with their attempts at helping me find true love. My issue is that they suck at it.

I tweeted this the other day:

Screen Shot 2013-03-19 at 12.51.35 AM

It’s not fair to be critical of something if you’re not willing to help remedy it. Let’s take this time to talk about what Jen and Tonic looks for in a man.

What he should be

Breathing. Seems pretty self-explanatory, but there are people whose OkCupid profiles describe “Shakespeare as my ideal man.” Maybe they aren’t caught up on the obituary sections of their local newspapers, but that dude is dead as a doornail. Unless you have a Weekend at Bernie’s fantasy, there’s no way you can go grocery shopping with your dead beau, take him on a tropical vacation, or have him escort you to your company Christmas party. Pulses are sexy.

Childless and wanting to keep it that way. I love kids, and think my 6-year-old nephew is the coolest person alive, but I’m not interested in raising them. A guy can give me the flu, but if he infects me with a case of the babies, I’m going to go into an ALL CAPS RAGE on him. I’ll share a lot of things with my significant other, I’ll even give his sick ass a kidney, but my uterus is non-negotiable.

Someone who shares my inappropriate sense of humor. If his idea of humor is telling me a knock knock joke that ends in, “Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?” then he and I are not meant to be. Most of my jokes end in things like dick punching, a sex act that isn’t even cataloged on Urban Dictionary, or something completely politically incorrect. If he doesn’t like crude humor, or even worse, gets offended by it, he isn’t the man for me.

Dane Cook: the knock knock joke of comedians

Dane Cook: the knock knock joke of comedians

What he shouldn’t be

Mr. Fancy Pants. I think it’s great when a guy dresses up for special occasions, but if his idea of being dressed down is sporting Chinos (that words disgusts me) then we most likely won’t be attracted to each other. I would describe my overall style as Pajama Jeans meets thrift shop. Basically, sexy as hell. If he shows up to dinner wearing an ascot and penny loafers, and I show up wearing yoga pants and a bib, I don’t see burning desire forming between us.

A bad boy. Is he emotionally unavailable? Does he party too much? Does he think it’s funny to joke about sleeping with some of my friends? Is he a loose cannon? Does he love living the “thug life”?  Please, give his number to your friend with incredibly low self-esteem and/or poor judgment. I’m only attracted to guys whose resumes don’t include being the President of Assclown, Inc.

Significantly younger than I am. Despite what some people may think, my train isn’t bound for Cougar Town. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure that younger men are fun in their own way, but there’s something very unappealing about someone whose balls haven’t dropped, and whose mom still cuts the crusts off of his sandwiches. I want to date a man, not babysit him. I’m 31, so I’ll need a guy who is in the 28-”bitten the dust” age range.

I like this cougar's bold approach

I like this cougar’s bold approach

The truth is, I don’t need anyone’s help in finding a suitable partner. It’s not because I’m the most incredible woman in the world, and can have any man I want. That couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s because I honestly don’t give a shit. Dating is only a problem if you think it’s some disease you need to cure yourself of as soon as possible.

So, dear friends, the next time you think about fixing me up with someone, please refer to the list above. Don’t try to force two people on each other whose only common ground is the fact that they now hate you for setting them up. Relationships are formed by shared interests, undeniable chemistry, similar lifestyles, and the mutual hatred of knock knock jokes.

94 Responses to “Matchmaker Mayhem”

  1. aliceatwonderland 03/19/2013 at 4:31 am #

    There should be a punishment for jokes like that – it even involved a pun. I hate puns. They make me want to choke some guy with an ascot (has anyone worn one of those except that drip on Scooby Doo?

    • rossmurray1 03/19/2013 at 4:36 am #

      Pun-hate speech!

      • aliceatwonderland 03/19/2013 at 6:08 am #

        I’m prejudiced against puns. Especially when used by those brats in that Family Circus cartoon.

        • rossmurray1 03/19/2013 at 6:17 am #

          I may have to rethink my entire writing style.

          • aliceatwonderland 03/19/2013 at 6:21 am #

            If you write like Family Circus and ever use the word “punny” then yes, you do.

          • Adrienne schmadrienne 03/19/2013 at 10:23 am #

            I think you’re really punny. Funny too.

          • rossmurray1 03/19/2013 at 10:27 am #

            I think you mean “puny.”

    • Jen and Tonic 03/19/2013 at 9:31 am #

      Oh god, I love puns. Does that make me as bad as Dane Cook?

      • aliceatwonderland 03/19/2013 at 10:45 am #

        It depends, really. If it’s a good pun, it can work. If it’s, well, “punny”, I just cringe.

  2. rossmurray1 03/19/2013 at 4:34 am #

    Hey, sailor.

  3. La La 03/19/2013 at 4:50 am #

    I hope they print this and refer to it the next time your friends get any ideas. Also. I don’t want kids either and I’ve heard enough about how I’m going to want them. No…no I don’t. I was surprised to find how many dudes want them. Bad boys, especially.

    You crack me up, as always!

    • Jen and Tonic 03/19/2013 at 9:33 am #

      It’s funny because we always think of women as being baby crazy, but men are too. You would think I said I like punching senior citizens by the way some men look at me when I say I don’t want kids.

  4. Stacie Chadwick 03/19/2013 at 6:09 am #

    You go girl!

  5. becca3416 03/19/2013 at 6:21 am #

    I have this problem too Jen. My friends try to set me up and I take one look at the guy and think, “Do you even know me at all? Like really, do you even know my name?”

    Baby infection made my palms sweaty. Eek. I’m with you on that one. Give me the ones I can bring back when I am done playing with them.

    • Jen and Tonic 03/19/2013 at 9:35 am #

      My friend gave a guy my e-mail address (how 21st century) who said his hobbies included “doing math problems and other things like that.” What? She knows I have use my fingers to add sometimes.

      • becca3416 03/19/2013 at 12:03 pm #

        Yikes. You should have written him back and said, “Math eh? My hobbies only include aftermaths.” Or something equally as questionable.

        • Jen and Tonic 03/19/2013 at 12:16 pm #

          I’m consulting you before responding to anymore e-mails.

          • becca3416 03/19/2013 at 12:17 pm #

            I got your back.

  6. The Cutter 03/19/2013 at 6:28 am #

    My wife and I often try to set people up. Do we go based on the ideal match? Hell, no. We do it based on the combination of people that would be most amusing to us. Or maybe we try to set people up simply because they’re wearing the same color or happen to be standing near each other.

    Moral of the story: People in relationships are evil towards those who aren’t. Don’t trust us!

  7. Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher 03/19/2013 at 7:22 am #

    You had me a ‘beef curtains’…..
    Like you, I like my guy to ‘dress up’ in jeans (not new & not ironed) and a tee-shirt. Leather jacket is also a plus.

  8. El Guapo 03/19/2013 at 7:30 am #

    I used to go to the bookstore to hit on girls for two reasons:
    1 – I wanted someone who could read
    2 – I had something to do when it (inevitably) didn’t work.

    • Jen and Tonic 03/19/2013 at 9:38 am #

      Her: “Whatcha got there?”

      You: “A pile of books to distract me from this hellish date.”

  9. incognitomusicmagazine 03/19/2013 at 8:45 am #

    So a guy like George Costanza is right in your wheelhouse?

    • Jen and Tonic 03/19/2013 at 9:38 am #

      No! He wears…*shiver*…CHINOS.

      • incognitomusicmagazine 03/19/2013 at 10:38 am #

        He also wears sweatpants. Like when they were casting the show about nothing, one actress came into the room and said, “What’s with all the sweatpants?”

  10. daniheart21 03/19/2013 at 9:25 am #

    Go Jen. I don’t know anyone with those qualifications so you are safe here. LOL I am sure when the time is right you will encounter the perfect person.. it’s not a race after all. :)

    • Jen and Tonic 03/19/2013 at 9:39 am #

      No, it’s not a race. If it was, I’d be the heartwarming underdog story! But with lots of cussing and inappropriate hand gestures.

  11. twindaddy 03/19/2013 at 9:50 am #

    I’m disappointed to learn that my children have disqualified me from landing this outstanding fish in the dating pool. Jen, you have broken my heart. *sobs*

    • Jen and Tonic 03/19/2013 at 9:56 am #

      It’s probably for the best. Could you imagine me as someone’s stepmother? You love your children, you don’t want to subject them to that.

      • twindaddy 03/19/2013 at 10:00 am #

        I’m sure we’d all adapt.

        • Jen and Tonic 03/19/2013 at 10:14 am #

          If by “adapt” you mean “devise an escape plan” then, yeah, you’d adapt really well.

          • twindaddy 03/19/2013 at 10:35 am #

            Maybe. Maybe not.

  12. calahan 03/19/2013 at 10:27 am #

    The only thing you should be set up with are free drinks.

  13. thefoodandwinehedonist 03/19/2013 at 12:58 pm #

    You had me at beef curtains

    • thefoodandwinehedonist 03/19/2013 at 1:01 pm #

      Oh CRAP, someone else said that. First it’s my kids and bad jokes. Now unoriginality is knock knocking me out of consideration

      • Jen and Tonic 03/19/2013 at 1:04 pm #

        That comment has put you back in the running. And besides, I think beef curtains speak to a lot of people.

  14. michellestodden 03/19/2013 at 1:29 pm #

    You are a wise one, Ms. Jen and Tonic. My uterus was non-negotiable, too, but I ended up with two kids. Tell me how that happened… Oh. Nevermind. Best bet: avoid men who sport loaded testes. Those sperm are sneaky, determined suckers.

    • Jen and Tonic 03/19/2013 at 2:19 pm #

      All future dates will start off with, “So, do you have loaded testes?”

  15. Lyssapants 03/19/2013 at 1:46 pm #

    And it’s not like you have to be paired up, either. I hate that people think there’s something wrong with being single…especially if you’re female.

  16. Monk Monkey 03/19/2013 at 5:21 pm #

    Most things are better single – noses (but not nostrils), chins (but not cheeks) and butts!
    Wait, what am I saying here? I forget my point, anyway.

    • Jen and Tonic 03/19/2013 at 5:59 pm #

      Testicles are also better single, at least according to Lance Armstrong.

  17. The Waiting 03/19/2013 at 6:18 pm #

    Blind dates are pretty much the worst thing ever. A friend once set me up with her then-boyfriend’s friend who took me to dinner and talked about his truck the entire time. So yay for dating.

    • Jen and Tonic 03/28/2013 at 4:02 pm #

      Unless you’re a mechanic, why would anyone think it’s appropriate to talk about cars the entire time you’re on a date?

  18. rollergiraffe 03/19/2013 at 8:21 pm #

    Next time someone suggests a blind date for you I say hand them a questionnaire for the potential applicant to fill out. Check which of the following offends you most: (listing 50 of the dirtiest made up sex acts you can think of) and if he checks none of the above, I think you’ve found your man.

    • Jen and Tonic 03/28/2013 at 4:04 pm #

      This is a great idea. If he shows up with a “Cleveland Steamer King” shirt on, we may be soulmates.

  19. The Bumble Files 03/19/2013 at 8:28 pm #

    I’m not worried about you, Jen. I know your man is due to come walking in your direction any day now. Your friends who are trying to set you up are probably just living vicariously through you…they’re jealous that they’re not single, see! But now you have it all down in writing so you can just have them read this post.

    • Jen and Tonic 03/28/2013 at 4:05 pm #

      I think everyone always wants a bit of what they don’t have. Single people: “I just want to meet someone already!” Coupled people: “I considered smothering my husband with a pillow the other night.”

  20. Soul Walker 03/19/2013 at 11:10 pm #

    “case of the babies…” that is just hilarious.

  21. benzeknees 03/19/2013 at 11:41 pm #

    My first husband was a blind date set up by a girlfriend of mine. We were together for 8 years but didn’t make it to our 5th Wedding Anniversary. My 2nd hubby was also a blind date set up by a different girlfriend. We’ve been together since 1996 & will be celebrating our 12th Wedding Anniversary in Oct.

    • Jen and Tonic 03/28/2013 at 4:05 pm #

      WHOA. You may have the best blind date luck ever. Wait, weren’t you a model? UNFAIR ADVANTAGE.

      • benzeknees 03/28/2013 at 7:59 pm #

        “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful” – said by some model in a commercial many years ago! Just because I might be attractive does not mean I can be a good wife or attract a good husband.

        • Jen and Tonic 03/28/2013 at 8:11 pm #

          Excellent point. But something tells me that’s just not true about you.

          • benzeknees 03/28/2013 at 8:23 pm #

            OK, I agree I AM a great wife. My first hubby just didn’t realize it. I made sure my 2nd hubby knew he was getting a catch from the moment he met me! LOL

          • Jen and Tonic 03/28/2013 at 8:26 pm #

            Hubby hit pay dirt!

          • benzeknees 03/28/2013 at 11:16 pm #

            It is sooooo much better when they think they have dated/married above them – you can get away with more, hahahahaha!

  22. Queen Gen 03/20/2013 at 3:29 am #

    I hate knock knock jokes. Just saying. ;)

  23. the howler and me 03/20/2013 at 3:41 am #

    There is this chick at work who tries to push all her single co-workers into relationships with one another. And by pushing she will LIE and tell one person the other is interested, and then turn around and do the same thing to the other party. It is the MOST uncomfortable thing ever.

    Especially when the one party ACTUALLY believes the bullshit…. all us “single” folks try to hide our single-ness from her to stay off her match-making radar.

    • Jen and Tonic 03/28/2013 at 4:08 pm #

      The pushers are THE WORST. I think it’s really offensive when someone feels it’s better to match you up with someone totally wrong for you than let you be alone on a Saturday night. Most people aren’t that hard up. Its especially weird in a work environment.

  24. iRuniBreathe 03/20/2013 at 9:12 am #

    Ha! You go girl. You obviously know what you want, which is more savvy and honest than most set-up dates can be. Besides, why do we need to be in coupledom for the sake of everyone else?
    “Chinos!”

    • Jen and Tonic 03/28/2013 at 4:08 pm #

      I want to burn a pair of Chinos right now in protest of them. And yes, knowing what you want is half the battle.

  25. writerwendyreid 03/20/2013 at 3:25 pm #

    Funny post Jen. And I agree about the fix-ups, especially if your friends suck at it. I love the cougar pic and I saved it (hope that’s ok)….. :-) xo

    • Jen and Tonic 03/28/2013 at 4:08 pm #

      Oh, you know you’re always welcome to life anything you want. And yeah, I thought you might like it ;)

  26. Amanda Fox 03/20/2013 at 6:38 pm #

    Considering all those things you are looking for, I think I may have a guy for you – my husband. Oh wait, he”s married. And he has kids…with me. I forgot about them too. Nevermind. ;)

    • Jen and Tonic 03/28/2013 at 4:09 pm #

      Kids AND married? Hmmm…I’d still take him over someone who liked knock knock jokes.

  27. annesquared 04/02/2013 at 6:07 pm #

    This comment stream is hysterical! I never planned on marriage or kids but due to poor judgement, conceded to the former, had 1, adopted 1. Go figure. The kids are as wickedly brilliant and humorous as their mom ;) – my son even offered the money for the divorce from his online investments (advanced math at an early age…seriously…kids can be a blessing.) Now that I’m dating again, I LOVE going on blind dates. I like to relax and see how unglued the other person becomes – my bluntness surprises people and nothing impresses me. I may have to move at some point – there are only so many single men in this city. (There are a few that get my humor…)

    • Jen and Tonic 04/02/2013 at 7:27 pm #

      The comment threads on my posts usually get out of control. All these jerks trying to show me up on my own post!

      I’ve met more and more people who say that they never wanted “the dream” and then ended up getting it. All of them seem happy with how their lives turned out which is all that’s really important.

      You like blind dates?! I can’t ever relax in those situations. I usually end up saying weird things like, “I’m sorry, I need to go…take a dump. I’ll be right back.”

      • annesquared 04/02/2013 at 7:35 pm #

        That is where you pretend it is perfectly normal and let him squirm in his chair. :) Maybe it’s just because I grew up in a medical family and have been in medicine for years – but nothing is off-topic during dinner. Or ever. Or I am just weird. Never dreamed I would get married, then ended up in a nightmare. I can see why my mother-in-law was a happy widow!

  28. jennessjohnston2 04/03/2013 at 10:55 am #

    Love that you are so straight forward!! I really enjoy your writing style.
    Jenness
    http://jennessjohnston78.wordpress.com/

    • Jen and Tonic 04/03/2013 at 10:57 am #

      Thanks, much appreciated. Checking out your blog now…

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