This is a post about a breakup, my breakup. A breakup I’ve rarely discussed save a few long discussions with key people in my life. A breakup which started with love, and ended with love.
“A” and I met during transitional periods in our lives. I had some serious emotional issues I was dealing with, and he was beginning his journey of self-discovery. I was growing healthy while he was growing up. We were (and still are) different in many ways, but we were able to use those differences to help one another during a time when we really needed another we could call home.
A is a wonderful man. He is intelligent, loyal, trustworthy, compassionate, a great listener, understanding, forgiving, funny, attractive, fun, supportive, romantic, and a laundry list of other things you’d want a mate to be. I would look at other people’s partners and think, “What an idiot. I’m lucky to have A.”
We did all the things couple should do if they want to stay together. We communicated our thoughts and feelings. We resolved all of our issues instead of sweeping them under the rug. We hugged and kissed often. We practiced random acts of romance for the other. We always had fun, and believed in living a life of adventure. We never let “being right” become more important than being in love. We’d admit when we were wrong, and apologized when necessary.
As everyone knows, relationships are complicated. There are times when a breakup is the obvious choice, and people hang on by the skin of their teeth as they destroy each other. There are times when a relationship is copacetic, and the people in it find themselves having the “I think it’s over” discussion. There are reasons and seasons for everything, and I’m beginning to understand this more and more as I mature.
There wasn’t one thing that ended our relationship. No big fight, no act of betrayal, no dramatic event. It was a simple conversation we had sitting on the living room floor of our apartment. One of us spoke first, and the other agreed. Our relationship was over.
I went home to California this past Christmas. I spent one of my evenings there drinking wine and talking with my aunt. During our conversation, we discussed the breakup of A and I. I think, like many others, she was curious as to what went wrong. Despite it’s truth, it’s odd to respond, “Nothing, really.” At best it appears glib, at worst it makes it seem like I’m not being truthful.
I told her A and I talked at lengths about the end of our relationship, and how it wasn’t any one thing which broke us up. We just didn’t feel the spark people should feel when they’re with their significant other. Our romantic love had faded, and despite deeply caring about each other, we knew we could ask for more out of life.
She said she had been reading a book (I later learned it was this one) and in it, the author asserted that “good is the enemy is great.” Essentially, we get so comfortable in “good” situations or routines that we fail to ever strive for greatness. The writer believed in this notion so much that it’s the first sentence in his book. A and I believed in it so much we ended our relationship over it.
I see good all around me. A good wife with her good husband in their good house in a good neighborhood. Good employees working for good employers in a good job. Good children getting good grades so they can get into good colleges.
Why is everyone so content with living a good life? I sure as hell want greatness.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t sad about the breakup at first, and that I didn’t question our decision at certain times. It’s so easy to get sucked back into a good situation because it’s a sure bet. But, as any gambler will tell you, you’ve got to risk big to win big. We loved ourselves (and each other) so much that we wanted to win big in the love department.
Several months have passed since we broke up, and I’m happy to report that we are still incredibly close. He is one of my best friends. He still lets me say completely inappropriate and sexually explicit jokes around him. His mom sends me cards. We live together as roommates. We’re a regular Jerry Springer episode, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
We are moving on in our lives. He has been actively dating, and I am truly opening my heart up for the first time in my life. He has been spending more time with friends, and I have been spending time pursuing writing as a career. He is excited about his future, and so am I.
We’re both doing great.
I commend you for knowing what you want, and your courage to seek it. Thanks for sharing.
The hardest part is knowing what you want, at least for me.
wow, you sure a strong smart gurl!
I’m getting there…slowly
I think inside the heart always knows if it’s meant to be or not. Looks like you listened to yours. Smart woman and great post.
I think the heart knows too. So often we listen to the outside “noise” that we can’t hear what it’s saying.
Wise words, Jen. You deserved the best and I know you will have it!
Thanks so much Cathy. I think we all deserve the best.
You are one brave warrior woman. You are soooo right about people settling. I think it has a lot to do with fear. That’s why I languished in a shitastic job for so long because it was a steady paycheck. You are destined for greatness.
I was in the same boat with the job situation, and I’ve settled in other relationships for longer than I should have. Even though you don’t know it, it eats away at you.
Good for you Jen. You deserve great things. So happy for you.
Thanks, Dani! You are actually a person who seems to only go after great things, and lives life passionately. I love that about you.
It’s scary to venture into the unknown for what you want when you have already have something. I applaud your bravery in go after what you wanted.
Scary, totally. I thought REALLY long and hard after we broke up, wondering if it was just some dysfunction in each of us. I can clearly see now we did the right thing. Sometimes you have to push yourself off the edge to learn you can fly.
Both of you sound like really cool and grounded people. Anyone that tells you ex’s can’t be friends is just someone who has only dated a-holes. If I hadn’t stayed close friends with one of my ex’s, I would never have met my wife. My ex actually fixed us up.
That’s right! I think that’s really cool. I think, if your relationship was healthy, there is no reason for the friendship to go away. He knows me better than anyone, why wouldn’t I want someone like that in my life?
I lived with an ex after we broke up (a few years after), but never tried to make the transition from living together to just being roommates. Are you both sticking it out at your current place or are you both looking for new places?
We actually love living together! He doesn’t mind that I make a mess in the kitchen, and I’m fine with him playing metal music loudly while he works out. It’s better to live with the evil you know than the evil you don’t know
The transition was made easier by the fact that he went home (midwest) for a month after we broke up. That distance really helped cement everything. After that, it was a piece of cake.
That’s nice to hear. Just make sure neither of you begins dating anyone with jealous tendencies.
So much goodness in this post.
And I totally agree with you about people just wanting to be “good”. Why don’ t people want to be “great” more often? I want this for my children, and of the three, only my oldest son gets this so far. It’s refreshing, although a little “his ambition can drive us all a little crazy” crazy sometimes LOL.
Oh yeah, the desire for greatness can certainly wear thin. I know I’ve been that person too. You whip yourself into a motivation frenzy and just annoy the shit out of those around you.
It makes me happy when people talk positively about their exes. I mean, if this person was such a dick/bitch, why did you give so much of your life to them? Good for you and for A!
I just don’t believe in that kind of negativity. I have an ex who was…interesting…and I don’t talk shit about him every chance I get. I learned something, I moved on, I’m happier now. I know some people have had horror stories, and I get the initial anger, but at some point you have to let it go.
Jen, I just posted on this topic and your experience really speaks to what I wrote about. Thanks for an inspirational take on the end of a relationship.
Denmother
We were on the same wavelength! Going to read it now.
Good for you, sister. Sometimes relationships end for no reason other than they’re just done, they’ve just run their course. Right on for recognizing that and wanting more. A lot of people do just settle. Romantic love ebbs and wanes in relationships, of course, but if it’s completely gone, there’s no point in trying to revive it. Here’s to you and greatness!
Love definitely has its ups and downs, but at some point you look at the fire and say, “There ain’t a spark left.” It’s hard because I think we all want to be happy, and it’s hard to leave a situation you’re already so happy in for one that *may* make you even happier.
True, but it’s absolutely worth rolling the dice for a great payoff.
Jen, I think you made a smart move! Perhaps, while you guys were close and had compatibility, you weren’t really really in love!! I think a lot of people feel getting along is loving each other. While that can be true, being in love is something else. Good call for you. You should never settle!
Yes! That’s exactly it. Getting along isn’t being in love. I get along with (and love) a lot of people, but I wouldn’t dedicate that kind of relationship to them. I see genuinely happy couples and I admire what they have.
I commend you on your bravery, so many people just settle for what they have rather than daring for what would be great! And I also respect you for keeping your good relationship with your ex.
I wouldn’t want it any other way. He is a tremendous person, and I’m lucky to have him in my life.
I am glad that you both are doing so well but to be honest, when I first read this post I couldn’t help but think that isn’t it normal that eventually romantic love fades and mature love takes over? I think we (people in general) need to be careful that we aren’t mistaking a comfortable routine with “falling out of love” either.
I’ve been asked that a lot, about whether we just didn’t recognize what the deeper, longer love felt like. I absolutely agree that many people get past the hormonal high and are in search of their next score like a druggie. This was not that situation, and after being broke up for some time now, I see that clearer than ever.
I think something I didn’t mention in my post was that the passion was gone. Not lust (that has its highs and lows) but true, loving passion. We just didn’t feel *that* way about each other. I love him deeply, but as a friend.
I’m glad you brought this up!
Glad you are both in a good place and that you were able to remain good friends. Lord knows we can never have enough of those.
Such an amazing post. It takes a lot of guts and self-awareness to know what you want, and how to pursue happiness. Kudos to you.
It’s totally worth it. Scary as hell, but worth it.
Glad to hear things went well this time around. So many breakups end up leaving people bitter and jaded.
Good for you! (pun intended).
I love a good pun, you know me so well
I feel sorry for people who are bitter and jaded. Not all breakups end nicely, but I see so many giving their power away to someone they are no longer with. People need to take it back and live the best life they can. That’s the best revenge anyway!
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Live long and prosper!
Jen, I’m sorry the relationship didn’t work out, but I’m glad it ended on good terms. Perhaps you can coach me on how to do that. Or is it a two person thing?
Are you looking to end a relationship? Was I not enough for you?!
It’s easier when two people are in it together, but there are definitely ways to go about it as an individual. It starts with being honest with yourself, and then being honest with the other person. That is HARD.
Honestly, I’d say that I’m not enough for you. You seem to be heading places. I’m just here…
Yes, being honest with yourself is hard. And I found that out the hard way just a few short months ago.
Come on now, you’re kickass! Sounds like you’ve got a case of the blues, or at least something weighing on you. My inbox is always open to you!
Nope, just being honest. You seem to have big plans. I’m, for the most part, content with what I have.
I hope to have that one day. The moment when I look around and think, “This is my life, and I love it.”
Well, I don’t love all aspects of it…yet. But I will soon enough.
Keep me posted so we can e-celebrate.
God bless you my little monkey.
How did you know I sneezed?
The snot on your blog!
You are a much stronger person than I. Hell of a post, Jen.
I bet you’re stronger than you think you are. If you had asked me several months ago if I could write this, I would have said no.
Jen,
I’ve been blessed to have you in my life, and being able to chat occasionally on your path, and recent changes. I can’t tell you how I respect your choices, and your strive to go forward, always keeping in mind your goals, or at least, what’s good for you. What’s even better is that you understand your need to change and adapt, which is not about changing your goals, but your ways to get there. You’re grounded, and I love you for it.
Eric
Thank you for your extremely kind words! I’ve grown up a lot in the last 5 years, and one of the things I’ve learned is that I’m responsible for my own happiness. The path to happiness is not a straight line, and that means we must adjust our plan to get to where we want to go. Sometimes that means changing ourselves.
Your friendship means a lot to me.
Wise words to live by from you and Le Clown both!
you are quite an incredible woman, ya know that?
Thanks, RMR! I do my best to be my best.
that’s cuz you are the best!
Beautifully and wisely said, Jen.
Thanks, Your Royal Guapness.
I am glad you had the power and sense to call a spade a spade, Jen. I don’t want to come on your blog and begin a disagreement, but I would venture to say that, sometimes when you are coming out of something very difficult, ‘good’ is better than ‘sucks rocks.’ Sometimes ‘good’ is enough to get you through the day when ‘great’ seems to be an evasive pursuit. Just sayin’… XOXO
CONTROVERSY!
You make an excellent point. People need to be realistic about where they are in life, and sometimes that means being fine with being good. I’m at a point where I’ve had good, but I know I can have great. I’ve been in a “sucks rocks” place, and I agree, there was no way aiming for great would have worked out well. All in due time.
I agree with you completely and I am glad you are in a “seeking for great” place, because when you are “good” that is the only logical place to shoot for!
This is such a great post Jen,
And you are a really amazing person; you know what you want and don;t settle for less.
You are a good person to know.
Thank you for sharing; glad you’re going for great!
Red
Thanks, Red. I lived many years as an unhappy person, and accepting that a life of fulfillment was for other people. I just don’t want to go back there. I’m lucky enough to have someone in my life who not only wants that for himself, but wants it for me too. We should all be so lucky.
I can totally relate to that Jen. It all looks so much different when you cross over to not settling.
Congrats!
I’m so happy for you. It sounds like you guys really did the right thing. Don’t ever stop pursuing greatness!
I never will. Once you’re on the path, it’s hard to stop.
Great post Jen! It’s not about settling for good, but about expecting greatness from oneself. Relationships are funny things in that we really can’t control them. I so like how you acknowledged that nothing ‘bad’ happened, you just were both growing up, and then grew apart. Good thing to take the step to acknowledge this now, rather than investing in more time (and potential heartaches). I’m glad to hear you are in a good place with it now.
Our friendship was more important than anything else. I didn’t want us to be one of those couple who ends up resenting each other in 10 years. I doubt that would have happened, but why take the risk? It sets him free to find someone better suited for him, and does the same for me.
Good for you Jen! I’m glad you are learning this a good 10 years or so before I did. Would you mind if I excerpted some of this? Of course, I would credit you.
Nope, please feel free!
I have a friend who I met in the same way, we had a few bumps since we came off the relationship that just simply didn’t work to now her being my closest friend to the point that there’s not a day that we aren’t there for each other
great post!
I’m really happy to hear that! It’s good to see people being able to move past their current relationship and let it evolve into something equally as great.
It’s a beautiful thing
Look, I don’t mean to sound like the wet noodle here but of course you want “great.” We ALL want great. But I believe greatness is something that’s touched on occasionally in life and nearly impossible to maintain as a permanent state. It just is! Great turns to good, is occasionally revisited, and settles back to good again. Be careful to manage your expectations, least your search turn into one without an endgame.
I actually don’t accept that theory. Well, I’m trying not to anyway. I don’t think good is a permanent state most of us live in, and it’s only occasionally peppered with bouts of greatness. I think you can have a great life with less great moments. I liken it to a top athlete. He/she is outstanding in 90% of the games he/she plays, but the greatness isn’t diminished by the 10% of the games that didn’t go so well. He/she gets back up, and strives for greatness again. It may not always happen, but they reach it more often because of that effort.
There are so many people who are living proof that greatness is an endgame in itself. People I know in my life are putting it into practice every single day, and make me want a life like that. I agree that we all need to be realistic about our expectations, but to say that good is a semi-permanent state we all must live in doesn’t seem realistic to me either.
I hope this was taken with the tone it was intended. It’s easy to sound like a super dick on the internet!
First and foremost, I absolutely understand your intent and the needle hasn’t moved one notch on my super dick meter. I carry a super dick meter in my back pocket and checked.
You need a different metaphor. What happens when a top athlete is 40 or 50 years old? They have now moved into a phase where it will be physically impossible to attain the “greatness” they knew in their youth. Do they then walk around thinking, “Oh, I’m fucked. I’ll never be great again,” or do they embrace the “goodness” that surrounds them?
The other danger is that you can become so married to the notion of pursuing “greatness,” that when disappointment knocks on your door (which it inevitably will) you are ill-equipped to deal with it because if flies in the face of your notion of how great life should be.
I wasn’t going to play this card but I’m afraid you leave me no choice. I’ve got a few years on you and nothing makes you brilliant better than hindsight. I’ve met many good-intentioned, ambitious folks who spent far too much time spinning their wheels in their attempt for perfection, while a beautiful, good life whizzed right by them.
Same caveat as yours. Hope I don’t sound like a dick. That’s not my intent. This time.
“I’ve met many good-intentioned, ambitious folks who spent far too much time spinning their wheels in their attempt for perfection, while a beautiful, good life whizzed right by them.” Your hindsight is not your own. I know many people who feel I’m giving up a lot by deciding not to have children. “But they bring you so much joy. They love you. They’ll take care of you when you’re older. They make you a better person.” They feel my well-intentioned, ambitious nature to lead a life sans kids is the wrong choice. How do you know you’re not doing that same thing for those in your life?
I do have a question– are you accepting that good is the best we can all do? If not, how do you personally determine when you’ve reached your peak? Because all this article was examining is how I haven’t reached mine.
If you want to go off-line I’ll tell you all about the joys of parenthood. It’s not a discussion fit for public consumption.
I’ve got two eyes and an inbox: sipsofjenandtonic@gmail.com.
Wow, good for both of you. As everyone else said, you are a strong, intelligent woman. Glad to hear you’re both doing so well.
Me too. I think this is the best possible outcome for the situation, and you can’t complain about that.
You’re a brave soul and a truly wonderful person. Good luck.
Thanks for the kind words. We all have our moments o bravery, this is mine.
Glad to hear.
Thanks! I hope one day to have a happy ending of my own, one that allows me to have a harlem shake save the date announcement.
You will!!!! If I have to tape it myself.
Can I borrow your cat for it?
Absolutely. She does lingerie shoots now.
“Control your destiny or somebody else will.” I think it’s a book title— but I like the phrase. Good luck, Jen.
Thanks, Lisa. I think we all have the ability to choose our own path. Sometimes the options don’t seem great at the time, but we have more choices than we realize.
Just when I thought you were pretty much amazing already, you go ahead and be all amazinger. What a blessing to be able to walk away from something good without regrets, knowing you’re headed for even better. And it sounds like in the process you’ve maintained what you love most about your relationship with A. Well done, you!
Keeping a good relationship with him was the most important thing to me. I love and value him so tremendously, as much as I do myself. It made sense to set us both free to be the happiest people we can be.
Thanks for your kind words, means a lot.
That’s a really nice story. A really great way to look at the breakup (not good, great!). I really like what you’re saying here, about striving for greatness in your life. It’s so true
can’t wait to give you a hug over this at blogger meetup!! Hahaha
YES! I shall give you the greatest hug you’ve ever experienced. All oxygen will leave you, and you will just be breathing happiness.
… THIS IS THE MOST AMAZING STATEMENT EVER!!!
What an awesome love story.
Thank you. I think so too.