Hooked on Tonics, I’ve been away for awhile. I received notes from a few of you expressing your concern:
“Are you going to come back? You’re the most brilliant (and beautiful) writer on the planet. You’ve spoiled me so much I can’t read anything else.”
“Come back or I’ll gut you like a pig.”
“What I really need is more cowbell, but since I can’t have that, you’ll do.”
You guys flatter me.
I’ve been very busy over the last couple of weeks. I went to California to spend time with my family for Christmas, and it was equal parts fun, terrifying and exhausting. Once I got home, I came down with the horrible flu/cold thing that has been going around. Additionally, a new role I’ve taken on at my job kept me a bit busier than I anticipated. In short, shit was cray.
I missed all of you, especially those who send me nudes on the regular.
SoJaT fact: Burt was the first person to follow this blog
During my time away, I had a lot of time to think about my New Year’s resolutions. I thought about my resolutions from last year, and how completing them (or not completing them) has impacted me. I also thought about the unexpected things that happened to me last year which meant more to me than completing any resolution ever has.
I decided in 2013 I want to do more Bikram Yoga, get better sleep, and drink more water. So far I haven’t done any of the three. I’m such a go-getter. I did do a Yoga Booty Ballet DVD I found at a thrift store, and discovered how inflexible I am. That counts for…nothing.
The only person who could finish the Yoga Booty Ballet DVD
I’m not worried that I’m a week in, and haven’t yet sat in a room that smells like body odor and feet while I contort myself in very unnatural ways. I don’t care that 6 hours of sleep a night is considered amazing in my book. I’m also not concerned that I drank so little water last week my kidneys may look like the desert floor. These aren’t my real New Year’s resolutions.
I just want to be happy.
“Jen, you’re an asshole.”
I know, I know. It sounds so contrived, but when you think about it, isn’t that what resolutions are about anyway? We all want to get in shape, be in a relationship, find a better job, have more adventures. Isn’t that our attempt at finding happiness?
Historically, I’ve been my biggest enemy. I’d get so down on myself for the things I didn’t do that I failed to see all of the wonderful things I have done. I’d be disappointed that I didn’t drop a pants size, and never ran that 5k I promised myself I would. Forget the fact that I volunteered, surprised my friends with gifts for no reason, listened to my sisters when they needed me to, and worked my ass off at my job. No, nothing to be proud of there.
I am nothing like I wanted to be at 31. In fact, if you had told Little Jen that this is how Big Jen would turn out, I would have scoffed. Knowing what I know now, I’m thankful that I’m not the person I thought I should be. People aren’t thoughts, they’re realities.
I just want to do things that make me happy this year:
- Drink wine while taking a bath
- Read more, write less OR write more, read less
- Take an art class
- Go see a movie
- Visit some of my blogging friends
- Sleep in
- Disconnect from technology for a weekend
- Go on a hike
- Write a letter to Congress about chip bags being 40% air
- Buy a unicorn mask
- Think about what I’d say to David Hasselhoff if we met (It would be, “Wanna get a burger?”)
- Start a YouTube channel
- Don’t stress out when I check my bank account
- Make mix tapes and leave them in random places for strangers to find
Anything and everything. That is my plan for 2013. I am so sick of having an arbitrary list of tasks, and feeling like my happiness in contingent upon finishing it. What’s wrong with going with the flow, and letting my life show me what will make me happy?
So I guess this is an anti-New Year’s resolutions post. I’m so counterculture. You may call me Jen Von Badass from now on.
What things would you do this year if your only goal was to be happy?
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
I highly recommend this post by La La who seemed to be reading my mind when she was typing at her keyboard. Happiness is contagious. Instead of Herpes, let’s try to spread more of that this year.
Jenny Von Badass!!!
Happy New Year to you and your counterculture badassedness!!! First of all, thank you for not posting MY nudes on the regular. My public still expects me to pose in a beanie and Ray Bans. Sometimes nude… but still with the beanie and shades. Second of all, I love your list, although I wish you had posted the same picture of you doing “more of whatever this is” from last year’s post… but maybe that’s just me.
Last of all, I welcome this year. And I’m glad you’re welcoming it with the same enthusiasm I am. Who knows, maybe your counterculture badassedness will include… hold your breath… A BEACH!
HNY La Tonica!
You were partial to that picture of me looking like a hot mess flamingo. Maybe it’s time I passed the baton to you. How about YOU go out there and take a picture of yourself doing that? You’ve got plenty of waterfront space to work with.
Speaking of the waterfront…
The beach is fine, but I refuse those god awful flip flops.
Flip flops are one thing…
…but Crocs are the devil on two feet.
“People aren’t thoughts, they’re realities.” – love how you said that! You know I told you that you make me happy in a fancy font, but the fact that you are happy for you and you alone…that’s what I truly want for you. For myself, happiness is what makes me tick and what makes my art come alive. In order to do this I really want to do more for myself and a lot of the things you have on your list are on mine too, Read more, bake more, spend less time behind the laptop, explore new mediums and record videos, plan more city trips (if my bank account allows it hehe)…just things that make me smile and that gives me new energy.
SO you can most definitely count me in spreading happiness! Let’s make the world a better place one smile at a time!!
Jen Von Badass…that suits you perfectly!! I will write that on your next package.
Hope you’re feeling better too!
Feeling much better, thanks!
You’re exactly right! That’s it, “what makes me tick and what makes my art come alive.” I think last year I missed out on a lot of life experiences, and while I was able to write, I felt my material well drying up. This year I just want to do whatever it is I’m inspired to do at the time.
You really are the best. Can’t wait to see all that 2013 has in store for you.
Same goes for you!! 2013 is going to be interesting
Glad you’re feeling better! (Don’t mind my stalking via e-mail hehe.)
Jen Von Badass,
This is the perfect New Year Post. What the hell is a New Year anyway? Another check on the calendar of life ticking away arbitrary time periods? Bullshit!
Waiting to live never works. Life is like a bowling game; if you think about it too much you suck at it. Either throw the damn ball or run down to the pins and kick them over.
I think that’s what you said…
Glad you’re feeling better!
Red
That’s EXACTLY what I said, only you said it better because you’re Red and gifted with words and whatnot.
I’ve always been a “take life by the horns” kinda girl, but I felt myself slowing down last year for some reason. I’d like to put all the blame on the time consumption of blogging, but it was more than that. I guess I just want to reclaim the fun in my life.
I DO plan on visiting your area of the world (how could I not, it’s so close!) and would love to check meeting “Mr. and Mrs. SocietyRed” off of my list.
The door’s always open for you Jen!
I had wondered – glad you’re back and had some vacation (sick is such an awesome vacay, right?) And nothing like a pic of a nude Burt on my Reader to wake me up in the morning.
Yoga Booty Ballet sounds awesome. Have you tried Zumba? I had a lady work us for an hour without stopping. That was so awesome I never returned.
New Year’s resolution to be happy? Now THAT would be true awesome. Or some other word, I’m a little brain dead this morning.
Sick is the best and worst vacay. On one hand, people do stuff for you and you can pretend the real world doesn’t exist, but on the other you’re barfing your brains out and have to cut knots out of your hair.
I have tried Zumba! It was way more fun than I had imagined it to be.
Hope your New Year is just dandy so far.
Glad you’re back, bad ass gal. I agree with doing things that make you happy. That’s why I’m going to start making out with the Burt Reynolds I see on my computer screen.
You think I have a bad ass? So does everyone else. I need to do more squats.
I think happiness would be spending more time with Hugo.
You can get so many good things from the thrift store. It’s so true. And if you go to see a movie like The Hobbit, be prepared. It’s freakin’ long, a little too long if you ask me.
I’ve heard! A friend of mine said, “I could have gotten pregnant, carried the baby AND given birth by the time that movie was done.”
LOL So true. We saw it Christmas Day. Lucky for me my belly was full of turkey. It weighed me down so I couldn’t escape.
Welcome back! Missed you, and I love your happiness activator list. I can’t think of anything that would make me happier than finding a kick ass mixed tape somewhere random.
Thanks! Good to be back!
Actually, come to think of it, finding a mixed taped somewhere would be pretty sweet. Now I wish someone else had that same goal so I could stumble upon it. I could always hide it, get drunk and then try to find one in my apartment.
I want to be taller ~ desperately so.
ME TOO
and less eyebrows – maybe I could take the eyebrows and make them, somehow, into some stilts.
Keep those glorious eyebrows!
Yuck – have you SEEN those caterpillers???
Jen, you’re way too hard on yourself woman. You’re only 31! I’ve done that Bikram Yoga thing and tried to find my “good place” there but the sweat and heat was just too much for me. I gave up on long lists of resolutions but I do like your idea of going with the flow — it works much better that way. I want to do more writing (for myself) and painting and redoing vintage furniture — all of those things make me happy — I lose track of time. “Your sacred space is where you find yourself time and time again.” That’s what JC said and I think there’s something to that. You can go looking for it but it will more than likely find you. Happy 2013 and to mucho happiness for you!!
The first time I did Bikram I ran out of the room, literally. It was so hot and I thought I was going to die. Everyone was cool about me making a scene and then coming back in. It’s probably my favorite workout, but it’s definitely not everyone’s cup of tea
You redo vintage furniture? That’s amazing! I love making old things new, but have never worked with older materials like that. Have you ever posted about it on your blog? If not, please do!
Come visit me!!!!!!! We will wear unicorn masks….and drink wine in the tub. Maybe. Forget that last bit.
My only requirement is that you wear the unicorn mask AND that tiny little tiara.
No problemo. That is doable.
Welcome back, Jen! Yes! Finding what makes you happy – that’s the best resolution of all. I’m looking to do that this year, too. Love the list – many of which are on mine. Here’s to a great year and lots of happiness.
“Follow your bliss” seems to be a lot of people’s resolutions this year. That’s wonderful, everyone trying to be a little happier.
Happy 2013 to you too!
“Write a letter to Congress about chip bags being 40% air”
IT IS MADDENING!!! If you need someone to protest chip bag air, I have a big sign, and a shit ton of glitter pens I stole from a kindergartener.
Seriously, I don’t understand. Just make the bag smaller, please. I’m not so unstable that I can’t take seeing a tinier bag. STOP FALSE ADVERTISING YOU DICKHOLES.
Okay, maybe I am unstable.
I’m sorry I threatened to gut you, but I can’t help it, I need my Tonic fix. I wonder if anyone is what they wanted to be by a certain age. I never have been. Your Happy List is a thing of beauty. Happiness is underrated as a goal in itself. And if you visit blogging friends, you better make NYC one of your stops. I’ll even buy you that unicorn mask.
No, I don’t think anyone is. Well, except for this one girl in my high school who did end up owning her own cosmetics company and married to a rich hotelier by the time she was 30. She may be a cyborg though.
Happiness is completely underrated. I don’t know why I’ve never just “let go” and accepted that life plans are for people who live in bubbles. Unfortunately, I live out in the chaotic world. Look at me, so wise now that I’m in my 30′s.
And you better damn well believe NYC is on my list.
Happy New Year, Jen and all the Tonicas.
Great post, of course, and I am in total agreement about finding more happiness this year. I LOVE your list – I got the biggest giggle at the unicorn mask for some reason. Plus, there were a few on there that made me smile BIG TIME – bet you can guess which ones…;)
Okay, now to my list. Well, I sort of made one but have been pretty secretive about it since when I talk about my dreams they usually don’t come true. I don’t know if I have screwed up karma or what…but it’s been a reoccurring habit of mine. So I adjusted my methods this year because I really want a change.
Anyway, something already happened a few days ago that was part of my dream for this year, and I am doing the big dance EVER. Again, I want to keep it pretty private for now since it officially hasn’t happened yet, but I will say it is good and letting me know 2013 is going to be a year of big changes (towards the better).
So, when more on my list happens, I will just have to let you know. Deal?
Happiness all around!
I may have to buy a unicorn mask just to take a picture and send it to you. You’ve got such a good laugh!
You don’t have to say what your aspirations are, I totally get being superstitious. I once wore a bra for a week straight because I was convinced it was helping me get free cable.
I hope you get everything you want this year!
okay, nearly did a spit-take there….a whole week? hahah…
And I am working (very hard) to get what I want. It will happen
“Visit some of my blogging friends” Yes, please.
Oh, it’s happening. It’s on like Donkey Kong.
Welcome back and New Year and all that. This is such a lovely list of happiness. So worthwhile. So is visiting friends in unicorn masks who drink wine. Oh, the places you will go!
I imagine there’s a public harassment arrest in there somewhere, but oh well. C’est la vie!
My biggest goal this year is to have a first draft of my novel done by the end of June. Here’s hoping. And good luck on finding your happiness. I think it’s well-earned.
*fingers crossed* You did it once, you can do it again. Best of luck, Carrie!
Thanks.
We should vlog together when you get that YouTube account going. Also, you should just come here for that. It will make it easier to record.
You look younger than 31.
I would love to do a vlog together! Can the world handle that much sexy in one place? I guess we’ll find out.
Thanks! Flattery will get you everywhere with me.
I don’t think they can, which makes it all the more fun and reasonable to do it!
I resolved to “be a bigger bitch” since I figure that’s been a good one for the last two years. And as for doing things that make you happy, I think that’s probably the best resolution, or unresolution, that anyone could have. I hope with your new job you’ll be fulfilled and that you get lots of time to sit in a tub in a unicorn mask, reading and/or ignoring a book while drinking a glass of wine.
You know, I think it’s okay to be “bitchy” when it’s warranted. Grab those lady balls and show people who’s boss.
Last night I ignored a book while taking a bath. Was glorious.
At last! A doable resolution list!
Enjoy the hell out yourself, Jen. Can’t wait to hear the stories…
“Jen: Making resolutions easy to keep since 2013″
I love this post. I feel the same way! I do plan to try and eat some healthier things, and drinking more water is a thought I try to visit daily, but like you, my biggest plan is to enjoy. This year I am doing a bucket list trip, my first, and I am filled with excitement. I hope I can publish my next book of poetry, but only time will tell. Overall though, my plan is simply to enjoy! Enjoy the little things, the big things, all things.
I’m so excited for your trip! Sounds like it’s going to be a good time. Please take lots of pictures!
Jen Von Badass,
There is nothing wrong with going with the flow. That’s how I live my life and it’s worked out for me (for the most part). I don’t like lists either, so can ‘em. Do whatever makes you happy.
Also, I’m adding this second comment just so that I know I’m now the leader of comments on your blog so far this year.
It looks like Wendy is trying to give you some competition.
WTF? I will NOT lose again!
Superflous comment.
Aaaaaaaand you’re back.
Woohoo!!
Gratuitous comment.
Add a bit of gratuitous nudity, and I’ll rig the game in your favor.
This armor’s a bitch to take off. Can you just imagine it?
I killed a list once, just to watch it die.
And that’s why you’re now aptly dubbed “Jen Von Badass.” Superior badassery.
Happy New Year Jen. What would I do if my goal was to be happy? If money were no object, I would like to travel..and get myself a personal trainer to help me get rid of my excess fat. I think my goal is always to be happy, but there are always obstacles to overcome. I can’t complain though. I’ve got my health, 3 decent kids a job that I love, a husband who loves me and a boyfriend who is 20 years younger and f**ks like a rabbit. Hmm….now that I am reading it, my life is actually pretty good.
It’s funny when we think about all of the things our life we wish were different. Sometimes we forget to think about all of the really great things we DO have. This is something I hope will change with me over time.
I totally agree, and I also need to do more of that…meaning being grateful for what I have.
and just to give twindaddy a little competition.
HA!
I think you should come visit me… with your unicorn mask, and then we can set out to find David Hasselhoff and document it all on your youtube channel. And then when we complete our task… we can make my pool into a bubble bath and playing mysterious unlabeled CD’s from my CD collection. I think that sounds like the best 2013 ever!
You have the best imagination. I bet you sleep on a bed of cotton candy.
You are so crazy wise, Jen. My husband is applying to a job in Portland so if he gets an interview we can meet up and not exercise together. Yay!
WHAT?! That’s great! I hope Mr. Waiting gets it!
Is Hasselhoff gonna be on the mix-tape?
P.S. “You’re welcome” for “the pics”…
Yours were the best, Adam. I especially liked how much care you put into the lighting.
Word. Although I tried that whole drinking wine in the bath thing once. It kind of just made me overheated. lol Got my thrift store grab bag gift, by the way. Loved it! Here’s to a little more happy in ’13.
I once got so drunk and overheated in a hot tub, people had to push me out and spray water on me. Not my finest moment.
Glad you got the item! The mail is so unstable these days.
I LOVE your list! Especially the visit blogging friends (where were you in Cali over the holidays?!), drinking wine, sleeping in, and writing to Congress about chip bags. Hope you’re feeling better!
My parents live in the SF Bay Area, near San Jose. There are a lot of bloggers in CA, we should have some kind of meetup!
I’m right over here JVB! This is good and sound and you are well on your way to whooping 2013′s bare bottom. This post made me really happy. So you got that goin’ for you, which is nice.
I can check “make Maggie happy” off of my list of fun things to do. I’m on a roll!
Dear Jen Von Badass….that was the most BADASS LIST EVER!!!!! I love it. I may copy it as I am scared to plan for the year every January…but I like your list. Fun shit. That’s it. And this was the best line ever: People aren’t thoughts, they’re realities.. LOVE YOU!!! And for #5 on your list…come to Colorado. I’m jes sayin.
Copy away! I won’t even ask for a royalties fee.
I would love to visit Colorado! Great state!
I would stop trying to please people and just do what I want for me.
Usually that involves ice cream.
Ice cream is always the answer.
Yes! It’s all about the healthy hedonism. I love your list–things for you, and things you do for other people that make you happy. Love the mix-tape idea. It’s like Letterboxing.
“Healthy hedonism”- I love that!
What is Letterboxing? Never heard of it.
It’s kind of like geocaching, if you’ve heard of that (I’ve never done it but it sounds similar).
People hide containers with a journal and stamp, and then post clues to the location online at http://www.letterboxing.org
People try to find the container, and when they do, stamp the journal with their own stamp and the date, and stamp THEIR journal with the stamp from the letterbox.
We just found out about it this last year. We took our family on a trip to the coast and looked for some letterboxes in the area we were visiting. It was really fun. We went places we never would have otherwise, and it gave us a focus. We weren’t able to find a couple of them but had fun looking.
I wonder how many underground societies there are out there, doing fun things like this. The letterboxes seem to be all over the place!
Letterboxing sounds RIGHT up my alley. I’m totally going to look into it. Also, I saw your comment about being in the same area! That’s awesome. Love to meet fellow Oregonians
Calahan just told me that you and I live in the same city… lots of letterboxing to be had
glad you’re back, Missed you!
Glad to be back!
Dear Jen Von Badass,
Come visit me, come visit me!!!
Then we can take a trip to visit Tahira!! 
Also, ooh, Yoga Booty Ballet!!
Signed,
BatVy
You, me and TJ? That sounds like the best plan ever! She can feed us appelflappen!
Yesssssss
And what the fuck is appelflappen…? Too lazy to use Google
It’s great to see you back, Jen!
I think wanting to be happy is a GREAT new year’s aspiration. But if you want to be happy, then BE happy. Happiness isn’t a place you get to, it’s a place you find in yourself. God! I know how much that sounds like a fucking Hallmark Card, but it’s true.
Jen, I’m 10 years older than you, and I can assure you that when I was 31, my life was NOTHING like I’d imagined it would be as a child. But you know what? At 41, I’m living a life a lot closer to the one I dreamed of as a boy. Life is long, Jen, and folks don’t keel over at 35 any more. 40 is the new 30.
If you need any more proof, Jesus was just a carpenter until he was 31.
You’re right, you have to BE happy. That’s something I’ve only begun to realize in the last few years. I don’t expect a meteorite to land on my head, and then suddenly I’m all fixed up. It’s why I want to do more of the things that put me in my happy place. Writing does it, but so do many other things.
40 may be the new 30, but my liver is, like, 80.
Which is why I had children. Organ harvesting.
Genius.
Jen,
I had no idea Burt Reynolds was still alive, much less that he was so hairy, so thank you for making me throw up in my mouth.
As for happiness? As your elder I can say that setting fun, realistic goals like the ones you list (I have a lead on the unicorn mask for you) is a great idea, as long you’re satisfied with them. I can also say that giving makes me happy, and I can tell it makes you happy too. You make so many people happy when you write, so I say “write more/read more” instead of one or the other…
Happy 2013.
Stacie
I had no idea he was still alive, but that may be because his face look like it has been vacuumed. You think it’s just someone’s day on the red carpet, but it’s really him.
Write/Read more? Sounds like someone is biased!
Jen VonBadass – if I wanted to be happy, I’d spend more time writing without hubby nagging at me. I’d like to make enough money so he would feel it was a worthwhile employment opportunity & I don’t need to go out to work.
Getting paid to write? Now THAT is a killer New Year’s resolution.
BTW, I have nominated you for some awards: http://benzeknees.wordpress.com/2013/01/12/award-season/
Can’t wait to see how you reply to some of these questions!
Your second list is awesome. I just wanna be happy and chill too. I mean we’re all gonna be dead soln enough so why not???
But I have NO idea how to do all those things and that’s why I’m always miserable. Anyhoo… So good to have Jen and Tonic back. I got sick of hitting your site and having to read your last post AGAIN.
Blah blah blah me shut up now.
“we’re all gonna be dead soon enough”
You should really go into motivational speaking
I tried it once but the kids all ended up crying.
I dunno… Why try? I won’t bother next time.
I love that one about the mix tapes! And – as much as I looooove Twittering and blogging with all of you fine people – I’d love to disconnect for a single weekend too. I’m definitely too attached to my phone/computer all the time. I’m becoming one of those people I scowl at when they barely look up from their phones. Sigh.
Happy New Year, Jen!
Way to start the New Year!
If any of your plans involving making you happy include getting some hospitality in the New York area (say at least a few rounds at some of the better watering holes), do look me up; elsewise, let me know what I can do to assist in your plans to make 2013 worth it…
ay ayay ayay You can’t go posting pictures of Burt like that. My poor body can’t handle sudden risings of blood pleasure anymore…
One of my goals this year is to learn the lyrics to ‘We didn’t start the fire’ from Billy Joel. It will make me happy if I can sing along without muttering every now and then because I don’t know the (all) the lyrics!
I love this post! Being happy should be all of our resolutions! I think if the goal is to be happy my goal is to start focusing on me and stop focusing on everyone else!
See, Jen, I checked a couple of times for your post and when I didn’t see anything, I did worry about you. So happy you’re back! It probably feels good to unplug a little, huh? I have a lot of the same hopes, read more, watch more movies, relax, visit with friends. Nothing huge!! Although some of my goals are probably in the back of my mind still and will emerge from time to time. Going with the flow is a badass goal! Do it!
Write more or I’ll kidnap Mr. Reynolds and bring him to your house. Wait…
Missing the wisdom in the form of mental sips of J and T. Hope all is well in your part of the world.
Hi Jen,
Once I decided I wanted to eat ice cream while taking a bath. That didn’t work out so well, as I entered the bathtub, bowl in one hand, spoon in the other, I lost my footing and fell in the tub. The bowl fell in the bathwater and the bathwater flew out of the tub and all over the bathroom. I decided that mayb the cosmic Universe was trying to tell me something. So glad I can laugh about it.
See, those kinds of scenarios always start out innocently enough. Bath. Ice cream. Relaxation. Then you end up with a head injury!