I wanted to publish this post yesterday, but couldn’t because of a monkey on my back. Not an actual monkey as they can be volatile and rip your face off without warning. Let me take you back in time so I can explain…
Caffeine and I have had a tempestuous relationship. Growing up, I thought coffee tasted like chalk. My mom and her relatives would sit around the table while the kids came around like waiters, bringing them their liquid crack. When I wasn’t acting like a slave, I was sneaking little tastes here and there. I vowed never to drink it.
Then college happened. It was the late 90′s. It was Seattle. It was cold. I was tired. Starbucks stores were on every single corner. I was like one of those vulnerable people who fell into a cult, only I was worshiping baristas.
Fast forward 13 years, and I’ve tried to kick the habit dozens of times. I stay away from it for a couple of weeks while doing a cleanse, or for a few days when I’m on a camping trip and don’t have access to my arsenal of addictive substances. Do you know how hard it is to get Ketamine in the woods?
Prior to NaNoWriNO, I had determined that caffeine was ruining my writing. It was hard for me to sleep, hard for me to concentrate, hard for me to sit still. I struggled to squeak out a few sentences, and there were times when I was in tears over my inability to focus and write.
So I kicked my bitch lover, caffeine.
I thought I was going to die during the initial detox. The first few days I had so little energy I slept nearly 16 hours a day. Once I came out of my comatose state, I had a headache so bad that the only way to alleviate it would have been decapitation. I was shaky and nauseous and cranky. I was a jerkasaurus rex.
Eventually I stabilized, and my ability to write became easier as I suspected it would. I completed NaNoWriNO, and took a short break to recuperate. I went to a coffee shop on Tuesday to write this post, and ordered a decaf coffee. They were out, but said a fresh batch would be done soon. Bueno.
No bueno. Somehow the barista had forgotten that I ordered decaf, and filled my cup with regular. I’m sure of it. I was anxious, sweaty and stayed up way past my bedtime. I tried to write my post, but the caffeine wordblocked me. I went into an ALL CAPS RAGE.
Luckily, I woke up the next day and wasn’t hungover from my accidental caffeine binge. Even now, 459 words later, I still haven’t written the post I originally intended.
Here’s what I had wanted to say: I want to send out Christmas cards to my Hooked on Tonics this year. I’m sure this will be some project I think is a good idea now, but will become a thorn in my side later on. Similar ideas include, but are not limited to:
- Being President of the Pauly Shore fan club
- Pretending that a Lean Cuisine isn’t just an appetizer for my real lunch
- Buying stock in Hostess, Inc.
- Watching any movie Jennifer Lopez has been in
“But Jen, why would we want to get a stupid card from you?” Because 9 out of 10 doctors agree that receiving gifts from me will lower your cholesterol, and help you keep your erection three times longer. That last doctor is just mad because I haven’t paid him for the rabies shot he gave me after I got into pissing match with a raccoon that ended badly for me.
Still need an incentive? I’ll be including a creative picture of myself which may look something like these lovely shots:
Send your name and address to firstname.lastname@example.org if you’d like to receive the gift that keeps on giving. Seasons greetings, bitches.