Feliz Cumpleaños

26 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 26

Topic: My Birthday


On Thanksgiving Day in 1981, a very pregnant Mexican woman (along with her feathered-haired Caucasian husband) stumbled into a hospital, and gave birth to a baby girl. They looked at her and said, “What do we call this amazing gift to humanity?” They named her Jen and Tonic.

Fast forward 31 years. Today is my birthday.

When I think about being alive for 31 years, it kind of blows my mind. I mean, I’m older than some modern day inventions:

  • Windows operating system
  • Apple Macintosh
  • Disposable cameras
  • Digital cellular phones
  • Viagra (I’m older than dinosaur boners!)
  • High-def television
  • HTTP and HTML
  • Disposable contact lenses

Basically, I’m farting dust these days.

There’s so much pressure to “go big or go home” on your birthday. Everyone wants to know what huge party you’re throwing for yourself, or what bar you’ll be going to with your friends to commemorate the day. These types of events usually end with whiskey on my breath, and crying while “Cat’s in the Cradle” plays on the jukebox.

I killed it at my birthday party last year

So what should I do this year? I know 31 is a stupid age, but I should still try and celebrate it in some way.

Maybe bowling?

Bowling ad, or description of my typical Saturday night?

Getting a makeover?

I’m calling up my local raccoon and seeing if he can help me recreate this

Going dancing?

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

Wine tasting?

Watching a local dance performance?

This dollar bill isn’t gonna stuff itself into your pants, fellas.

Oh, who am I kidding? Here’s what I most likely be doing tonight:

Keepin’ it mad classy


I guess I should thank my mom and dad for making me. Yuck.

NaNoWriNO Day 25

NaNoWriNO Day 27

127 Responses to “Feliz Cumpleaños”

  1. Le Clown 11/26/2012 at 6:08 am #

    Mostly. You are older than Rebecca Black, even on Mondays.
    Le Clown

    • Le Clown 11/26/2012 at 11:21 am #

      Shit. I forgot my birthday gift….. Which makes my comment irrelevant…

      Le Clown

      • Soul Walker 11/27/2012 at 5:26 pm #

        I can’t believe you posted this… I am crying with tears of laugher… if you did this to me I would be so pissed though! I cannot really even begin to express how much I hate this video and song… Happy birthday Jen!

      • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:08 pm #

        This song is the soundtrack to my life.

  2. TJLubrano 11/26/2012 at 6:11 am #

    YAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAAAAAAAAAAY!! Whatever you decide to do, have lots of fun and remember you have an UNbirthday 364 days of the year, you can celebrate that lots and lots of times!! ^_^

    *raises giant birthday glass* XOXO!!

    PS: I couldn’t stop laughing when I read your last tag. I imagined baby jesus doing the UNTZ.

    • aliceatwonderland 11/26/2012 at 7:40 am #

      Ha, I forget to look at her tags. And unbirthdays are the best!

      • TJLubrano 11/26/2012 at 11:48 am #

        Ms. Alice!! You of all people would know about the unbirthdays :) How cool! Want a cup of tea? *sings A Very Merry Unbirthday to You…*

        • aliceatwonderland 11/26/2012 at 2:27 pm #

          I have a whole slew of unbirthday presents on my blog. And there’s always room for tea.

          • TJLubrano 11/26/2012 at 3:09 pm #

            Perfect! I’ll be checking your blog tomorrow. Bed time here! :)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:10 pm #

      UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ!!!! I totally hip thrusted myself to a fantastic birthday. My room is adorned with things I’ve gotten from friends, and your cards, gift from last year, and the header artwork are all hanging up. It made me happy to look around and see such love and fun and color. Thank you for being my friend 365 days a year :)

      • TJLubrano 11/30/2012 at 6:45 am #

        Oh em gee!! I imagine your room super pretty now!! I’m SO happy you had an awesome day. Thank YOU for being a friend as well ^_^

  3. Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher 11/26/2012 at 6:11 am #

    Alles gut zum Garbutstag!!! You are younger than me by a decade if it makes you feel better….

  4. Ruby Tuesday 11/26/2012 at 6:19 am #

    Many Happy Returns! Tell your parents thanks from me while you’re at it — only don’t, because I think we should all pretend we just magically arrived via the Cabbage Patch (at least your mother never told you the date you were conceived, that made me cringe so freaking much).

    Point being, my life is so much richer for your presence, and I am grateful that you are sharing a part of your journey with me.

    Love you to bits and pieces and pieces and bits!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:12 pm #

      Did your mom really tell you that?! HAHA!!!!! Nine months prior to my birthday is my parents’ anniversary. I did the math on my own. YUCK.

      Thank you so much for your birthday wishes. You are truly one of the greatest friends a girl could ask for. XO!

  5. Sandee 11/26/2012 at 6:22 am #

    Happy Birthday Jen and Tonic — my parents almost named me the same thing back in 1962! No but seriously — I hope you kick ass today and enjoy the hell out of it!

    That milkshake picture will have me laughing throughout the day thank you. I especially love the expressions on the faces of the people surrounding her — ahahahaha!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:20 pm #

      Two Jen and Tonics? Wow! My parents thought they were so original.

  6. RFL 11/26/2012 at 6:22 am #

    Happy Birthday!

  7. Combat Babe 11/26/2012 at 7:10 am #

    Small disclaimer: There are men younger than yourself needing that medication due to impotency. I do like your joke on dinosaur boners, so I hope the pharmacy technician in me has not ruined it. Though, really, it’s a Jen and Tonic joke and I am pretty sure they have an impenetrable force field. Anyway…

    HAPPY FREAKING BIRTHDAY! I hope it’s as mad classy as you are aiming for. ;)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:21 pm #

      No, not ruined it at all! I feel sorry for young dudes needing boner pills. Seems like such a raw deal for them.


  8. Christopher De Voss 11/26/2012 at 7:16 am #

    Happy day of birth. Eat all the cake and watch them cry.

  9. Justcallmegertie 11/26/2012 at 7:36 am #

    Happy birthday! And it really doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you have fun! That’s the motto!

  10. aliceatwonderland 11/26/2012 at 7:42 am #

    You’re five years younger than I am. Shut up. That being said, it’s sad how many things are younger than we are. What do you MEAN the Internet hasn’t been here forevers?

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:22 pm #

      The internet did not exist before Al Gore waived his wand and invented it.

  11. Emily @ The Waiting 11/26/2012 at 8:00 am #

    Happy birthday, Jen! I’ll be 31 in January so you’ll have to tell me what it’s like so I can be prepared. Hope you have an awesome day!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:22 pm #

      So far my bones have cracked and I had to pay my optometry bill. Very exciting stuff.

  12. daterofboys 11/26/2012 at 8:10 am #

    Happy Day, Jen!!

  13. SocietyRed 11/26/2012 at 8:27 am #

    Cell phones, HDTV, Windows…ha! When I was born there were only 48 states! Happy birthday Jen! Have fun!!!

  14. Dani Heart 11/26/2012 at 8:48 am #

    Happy Birthday Jen. I feel really old now. lol

  15. becca3416 11/26/2012 at 8:56 am #

    The last option. Definitely. But in long johns of course. I think Le Clown would be somewhere in a window creepily watching you smoke too.

  16. becca3416 11/26/2012 at 8:57 am #


  17. El Guapo 11/26/2012 at 9:02 am #

    Or as I like to say on my natal anniversary, “another year, shot to hell.”

    Happy birthday, Jen, and I hope it’s a lot more fun than you would even dare to dream!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:25 pm #

      I read this comment on my birthday, and I said “another year, shot to hell” whenever anyone asked me how I felt. Now everyone wants to stage an intervention.

      • El Guapo 11/28/2012 at 1:44 pm #

        Ha! See, all my friends buy me sympathy drinks when I do that.

  18. The Bumble Files 11/26/2012 at 9:29 am #

    Happy Birthday, Jen! Enjoy! Do you whatever you want. Thirty-one is an excellent age.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:25 pm #

      I’m like a fine wine! I get more bitter by the year.

  19. Madame Weebles 11/26/2012 at 9:33 am #

    Please, I could almost be your mother. And as your almost-mother, I’d advise you to get laid and loaded on your birthday. But whatever you do, enjoy it!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:26 pm #

      I got loaded and then laid myself. It was the best I could do on short notice.

  20. Just Ramblingfiredup_302012 11/26/2012 at 9:43 am #

    A very happy birthday Jen! 31… psh… you’re a baby! Super young! :D

  21. tara 11/26/2012 at 10:15 am #

    Happy Birthday!! I agree with Madame Weebles. And also you should make someone take you to your favorite restaurant.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:27 pm #

      Thank you! I ended up doing absolutely nothing which was what I wanted. Face mask, soaking in the tub, reading a book. Was very nice.

  22. Love and Lunchmeat 11/26/2012 at 10:30 am #

    Do you sing Harry Chapin at any old Karaoke night or is it only on your birthday? Inquiring minds must know! Also, Happy Birthday! Thanks Jen’s Mom and Dad!

    (It’s not as gross for me to think about as it is for you…)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:27 pm #

      I can do either or. I’m very flexible that way. I guess I should thank my mom and dad for getting drunk and forgetting to use protection.

  23. rollergiraffe 11/26/2012 at 10:57 am #

    Happy Birthday Jen! I really don’t see why you can’t accomplish all of these things today, on the wings of a unicorn.

  24. calahan 11/26/2012 at 11:15 am #

    Happy Birthday, Jen. Your immaculate conception is celebrated in California, today.

  25. Maggie O'C 11/26/2012 at 11:18 am #

    We will thank your parents for producing you! Happy Birthday Jen, if it helps, I’m way older than you are. I could have driven your parents to the hospital for the big event.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:30 pm #

      That would have been very nice of you! My dad could have focused all of his attention on my mom who was surely screaming, “GET THIS THING OUT OF ME.”

  26. Stacie Chadwick 11/26/2012 at 11:19 am #

    Happy bday Jenn! On the bright side, you’re younger than Demi Moore. She’d give every painkiller in her purse to be you. =)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:31 pm #

      I may dance better than she does, but I have always wanted to be a cougar…

  27. La La 11/26/2012 at 11:23 am #

    Happy birthday!!!!!!!

  28. Garry Crystal 11/26/2012 at 11:34 am #

    Happy Birthday Jen-O-Fair. Thanks for all the posts you have written this month, they are great to read when i’m sitting bored working, you have been a life (mind) saver each day. Congrats to your parents for having such a great daughter. Hope i’m still reading your blog in another 31 years, when I will be….erm…never mind that. And thanks for that awesome ‘milkshake’ photo…what the f*ck is going on there?

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:32 pm #

      Ah, I’m glad that people are still enjoying them. I just keep thinking, “At what point are people just going to get sick of this stuff and unsubscribe?”

      That picture is of me doing the Can Can. I think I pulled it off.

  29. twindaddy 11/26/2012 at 12:02 pm #

    Happy birthday!!

  30. benzeknees 11/26/2012 at 12:36 pm #

    Some of my children are older than you! Happy Birthday Jen! Hope you have the best day doing whatever it is you would like to do – isn’t that what birthdays are all about! And if you have cake – have a huge bite for me because I have a birthday coming up too & I never get cake for my birthday.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:33 pm #

      I had about eight huge bites for you. Lucky for you because I bet your pants still fit. Unlike mine.

  31. GiggsMcGill Jill 11/26/2012 at 12:48 pm #

    Well, I’ve got to add my wishes as well:
    Happy happy happy birthday!!! And you could always go jump out of an airplane with a parachute on or some such excitement for your birthday if you wanted ;)
    And if not – ENJOY that huge-ass glass of wine, cig, and chillin’ on the couch. I did the same on my actual birthday day this year! (Minus the cig. And I drank an entire bottle of champagne rather than a glass of wine – those bubbles you know, they’re just good!)
    And be happy in the knowledge that if all your blogging friends were where you are – you’d be plastered from the amount of drinks we’d buy you ^.^

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:34 pm #

      I jumped out of an airplane, but failed to read your instructions about the parachute. On the upside, I look really good in a body cast.

      And yes, if all the bloggers lived near each other, it would be the kind of party the world could never recover from.

  32. vyvacious 11/26/2012 at 1:16 pm #

    Happy birthday! I hope there’s cake involved somehow! :P

  33. writerwendyreid 11/26/2012 at 2:21 pm #

    Happy Birthday Jen. You’re still a baby so don’t sweat the age. Your post cracked me up…or down…hell, as long as there’s crack involved somewhere. Have a great one. xo

  34. jiltaroo 11/26/2012 at 2:32 pm #

    Feliz cumpleanos amiga! imagine how funny you’ll be in another 31 years. Your posts are a highlight for me and always bring a giggle to may day. Whatever you choose to do, I hope it is enjoyable. Jen xxxxoooo

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:35 pm #

      In 31 years I’ll be a character on Golden Girls which is pretty much my life goal. Thank you so much for the well wishes :)

  35. Bill Friday 11/26/2012 at 2:44 pm #

    So Ms. Tonic… today’s your birthday? Or more specifically, right the hell NOW is your birth minute. It isn’t every day that you get to tell your bestie from another testie just how much she has meant to you over the years. You have encouraged me to do the one thing I want to do more than write… and that is, be “real”. Not easy to do, but I’m giving it my best shot. And YOU lady… are the most “real” example of friendship I know.

    ¡Feliz Cumpleaños!

    I hope you get everything on your birthday wishlist… forever!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:37 pm #

      MY BF, BF! I can’t believe you timed this perfectly so that your post would show up at 2:44. That’s serious dedication.

      I’m so happy that I’ve done for you what you’ve done for me. We make a pretty great team, eh?

      I had a great birthday, but my real presents are coming soon enough.

      Thanks so much. You are awesomesauce :)

  36. timmer 11/26/2012 at 2:59 pm #

    Merry birthday. MAKE IT RAIN.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:37 pm #

      All I had were quarters. True story: strippers don’t like it when you throw coins at them.

  37. speaker7 11/26/2012 at 3:33 pm #

    Your birthday celebration looks an awful lot like mine except I wear even dirtier socks. Happy Birthday, my dear friend. May it be filled with cake and not with dinosaur boners.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:38 pm #

      I got cake AND dinosaur boners, so basically it was a wash.

  38. saradraws 11/26/2012 at 3:46 pm #

    Happy… birthday. Mama’s… vajay.
    Baby… booties. Boys have…. cooties.
    Tiny… kittens. Ate your… mittens.
    Grown assed…. woman. Now I’m… all done.

    (that’s ^ said in a robot voice)
    exes and ohs

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:39 pm #

      This may be the most romantic and wonderful birthday poem ever created for me. You’re the best! XO

  39. jdanryan 11/26/2012 at 3:48 pm #

    Happy Birthday, Jen! I hope your 31st is a lot more memorable than mine was; no big whoops, no major events, but on the plus side no arrest report or lost rent deposit, either…

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:40 pm #

      I did get frisked by an officer. Well, actually it was just a guy I know dressed up as an officer. Same thing.

  40. Brother Jon 11/26/2012 at 3:51 pm #

    Happy Birthday!! I think I may have a gift for you.

  41. Viciously Sweet 11/26/2012 at 4:21 pm #

    Happiest Birthday ever Jen! I hope your year is so awesome that rainbows appear when you open the door, and glitter pours from the ceilings of every room you enter!

  42. Fern DeVilliers 11/26/2012 at 5:48 pm #

    Mixed kids are the best – I know, I have three. Happy birthday Jen.

  43. Cathy Ulrich 11/26/2012 at 8:06 pm #

    (Me singing)
    Cumpleanos, Feliz
    Cumpleanos, Feliz
    Felices, Querida Jen
    Cumpeanos, Feliz!

    (don’t know how to do a tilde, sorry)

    Happy Birthday!

  44. MissFourEyes 11/27/2012 at 2:01 am #

    That is exactly what I do on my birthday. But, you know, in my birthday suit (I keep the socks on though)
    Am I too late? Damn!
    Happy Birthday! Hope you had a great one :)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:41 pm #

      I couldn’t do any of this in my birthday suit. WAY too much jiggling for my taste. Or anyone else’s.

  45. nikkix2 11/27/2012 at 6:55 am #

    I just want to tell you that you have ruined my day now,because I am now humming Feliz Navidad over and over in my head because at the beginning of this post I had no idea what Feliz Cumpleanos meant.
    Oh and happy belated birthday gurl! xo muah!!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:42 pm #

      Isn’t that the worst? I hope this comment isn’t a reminder to GET FELIZ NAVIDAD STUCK IN YOUR HEAD AGAIN.

  46. UndercoverL 11/27/2012 at 8:03 am #

    I think your birthday means you were conceived in the day I was born. I am 9 months and 1 week older than you, which means I need to start thinking about retirement (can you retire from being a mother?). At any rate, I hope you had a great birthday and I would definitely go to the yard for your milkshake.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:43 pm #

      The two greatest days aligning like that. Could it be possible? I shook my milkshake super hard, but no boys came to the yard.

      • UndercoverL 11/28/2012 at 1:45 pm #

        Oh no! You didn’t milkshake yourself into a sore back, did you? You know, ladies of our age have to start worry about breaking a hip and sciatica. Maybe the boys are just lactose intolerant. O_o

        • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:46 pm #

          DAMN! I’m going to start advertising that I’m using lactose free milk. Thanks for the tip!

  47. Lyssapants 11/27/2012 at 3:37 pm #

    Happy Birthday!!!!!
    No reason why you can’t do them all…at the same time.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 1:44 pm #

      I got stuck while singing “Cat’s in the Cradle” and it was all downhill from there. Fun fact: my landlord doesn’t appreciate me bowling in the apartment. Or smoking in it. Or not paying him each month.

  48. Soul Walker 11/27/2012 at 5:27 pm #

    I hope you had an awesome birthday… or a really great bottle of scotch… either one.


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