Deuces Wild

24 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 24

Topic: Colon Hydrotherapy

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I  decided to take a much-needed vacation from a former (writing) stomping ground, and to my surprise, my absence did not go unnoticed. When I got back I had e-mails, notes in the Newsroom, and offline messages on Yahoo Messenger asking where I had been. Many theories were tossed around. Had I finally been institutionalized? Did I run off with the men of Thunder Down Under? Had I suffered a major brain freeze from a Slurpee-gone-wrong? Another writer threw out the possibility that a poo expert on the site (yes, we had one) had kidnapped me, and performed massive amounts of crap extraction on my colon.

Luckily, I was safe from harm, but an idea was sparked. Not having any shame, or ladylike tendencies for that matter, I resolved to leave my fecal matter in the hands of a perfect stranger. I began to research the process of Colon Hydrotherapy, its benefits, and reputable places where it could be performed. I decided on a place near my work, and made an appointment with a woman named Irina for the next week.

I tossed and turned at night over the next few days. Visions of Sugar Turds danced in my head. I could not believe I was willing to part with something that was such a fundamental part of me. I began to wonder who this woman was, and why I was going to allow this professional stool stealer to take what was rightfully mine away from me. I blamed her flashy website, something that had gotten me in to trouble many times before. This is exactly how I became a lifelong member of the Shannon Doherty fan club.

The morning of the appointment I was a nervous wreck. I could hear faint cries coming from my colon, begging me to reconsider my hasty decision. I drank away my sorrows at the local Starbucks, and decided to be strong. I had made my decision, and I did not care what my poop thought about it!

I showed up on time, but nobody was there. I knocked, peeked through the window in a way that even the best stalker would be proud of, called out to them through the mail slot, and then sat down on the doorstep to wait it out. Just as I got up to leave, my hydrotherapist and her husband came tearing in to the parking lot. I could only hope that she would not be speeding in to my rectum the way she did that spot.

Once inside, I actually relaxed a bit. Irina, the person who would be riding on my hershey highway, was actually very warm and inviting. Her husband, who moonlighted as their business manager, had me sit down and fill out an extensive health questionaire. He said that he could tell I was nervous, but had nothing to worry about. This was pretty easy coming from a guy who was not about to have his sphincter rocked like a hurricane.

Irina took me in to the back room and began to explain the process. She talked about the equipment, what the hydroptherapy entailed, and gave me my gown. She said that I just needed to get naked from the waist down, and then lay down on the bed. I did as instructed, and waited for her to come back to the room. Once she was back, she handed me a package of tubing.

“Do you know where your anus is?”

Now, this is normally something I would expect to be asked on a third or fourth date, and not by someone whose only knowledge of me is whether or not High Blood Pressure runs in my family. I had not taken anatomy in years, but I was confident I remembered where my shart-chute was. I told her yes, and took the package from her.

“Good, because you are going to be inserting this yourself.”

What? This was something I had not expected. Not only am I paying this woman to violate me, but I have to do all of the grunt work too? No, no, no. This was not working for me. She must have seen the look on my face because she assured me they do this for each patient’s comfort.

She then handed what I can only describe as a duckbill with lube generously spread all over it. I turned on my left side, and pulled the gown away from me which exposed my butt to her.

“What? No. I don’t need to see your tush.”

A colon hydrotherapist who did not want to see a rear end? This was like finding a prosecutor who did not want to find the murder weapon. Un-freakin-believable. I had just exposed myself to someone, and I didn’t even have to!

Once I was over my embarrassment, I was able find the spot where we were going to be burying this treasure. I inserted it rather easily, and she assisted me in attaching the tubing to the piece I was holding.

She patted me on the shoulder, “You have a very relaxed anus. Good girl!”

Of all the compliments I have ever received in my life, this had to be the strangest. This trumped the time that someone told me that my large head actually looked good on me because of my masculine features. I think he was just jealous because I could grow mutton chops faster than he could.

She then had me lay on my back so we could get maximum extractage. She looked down at the tube, and asked me to look at little silver specks that were collecting on the inside of it.

“Do you know what this is dear?”

I figured I was just clean as a whistle, and that in her 28 years of doing this, she had never seen someone like me. I had defied the odds, and had a colon you could eat off of!

“Those are your farts! You are full of them, isn’t that amazing!?”

I do not know about any of you, but this is not what I would consider amazing. David Beckham showing up on my doorstep naked is amazing. Winning the lottery is amazing. Being full of so much gas you could power a Prius is not in that same category.

“Uh, that’s a bad thing, right? I mean, am I so abnormally so full of farts that I might be able to step in to a basket and become a human Hot Air Balloon one day?”

She sidestepped my question, and immediately began to tell me how the majority of people are chock full of these silent-but-deadlies, and that we do not even realize it. She said she needed to remove them so that she did not push them in any further once she began the hydrotherapy. I was thankful for that because I didn’t want to be belching farts all day long. I barely like the way burps taste when I have eaten garlic.

Once the toot-tastic process was over, she turned the water on. There was so much pressure in my abdomen I was sure I was about to birth something, and it wasn’t a baby.

“Your anus is tense. Why do you tense up your anus?”

“Unless you’re a fan of Dutch Ovens, I suggest you let me keep squeezing this bad boy.”

“No, relax. Please relax the anus.”

I must stop here and say that the way she said anus was hilarious. She had an accent, so it came out like ay-noose.

I finally did as instructed, and relaxed the ay-noose. She told me she was very proud of me for being so brave. I cannot save someone from a burning building, or climb up and get a cat out of a tree, but I can relax my butthole like no other! I am the original American hero.

“You are very full of poo. This is exciting! Most people are very full of poo. It is like sausage in casing; stuffed in there. I promise to coax your poo out of you.”

Coax my poo out of there? I am the boss of my fluffy floaties! If I want them out of there, I will get them out of there. Why should I have to reason with them?

She then hooked up a bucket of yellow liquid to the tube and let it flow through. I asked her what it was, and she said it was a blend of Chamomile and Peppermint tea. I checked both of those teas off of the mental list of things I will ever drink again in my lifetime.

You know how peppermint tastes in your mouth? Now imagine that going up in to your rectum. It felt like someone was shooting a Mentos commercial in my colon.

“I don’t mean to sound like a whiner, but that peppermint is a little too cool on my butt.”

“Oh yes, it is very cool. Very refreshing. Doesn’t your anus feel refreshed?”

“I don’t know. Hey anus, do you feel relaxed and refreshed? Don’t let me stress you out, please.”

She laughed at that even though I was only half-joking. I wanted this to stop immediately. I wanted her to stop saying the word “anus” over and over.

Once the Icy Hot had completely drained from the bucket, she told me we were almost done. I was relieved because I had to go to the bathroom really badly. She told me that there would be some pressure on my bladder, but that was an understatement.

She wrapped up the cord and told me to go to the bathroom. I bargained for a Niagra Falls-like reaction from the front door, but what I had not counted on was the same reaction from the back door.

I sat there gripping that toilet for dear life. I still believe that my fingerprints are indented on that toilet seat. I started to panic because I had to go back to work afterwards, and I was sure that I now needed to clear my schedule to clear my bowels. Then I heard a knock at the door.

“Jenny? You sound great in there. Keep it up!”

This woman was listening to my heiney hurl. My life has reached some fairly low points, but being encouraged for something like this had to be the lowest. After everything I had endured up until that point, I am not sure how I had any kind of shame left. She had seen my butt, complimented me on my stress-free glory hole, and shown me my own farts. This was just the icing on the proverbial cake.

After the session wrapped up, she gave me a huge hug, and told me I was one of the most cooperative people she had ever worked with. Again, I was not sure if this was a compliment, but I was willing to take it. I thanked her and went on my merry little way, vowing to never step foot in to that office ever again.

Something strange happened that night. I had so much more energy than I normally do after a long day of work, and I slept like a baby. I woke up the next morning, and felt alert and truly alive. I was not starving through the duration of the day per the usual. I was actually seeing the fruits of my anal labor! The forecast had now become fartless with a strong possibility of another colon hydrotherapy session.

All in all, I am happy that I did this. Aside from the fact that it is a hilarious story to tell, it had actually done what it was supposed to do. The benefits of this procedure seem to be endless, and as I said before, I was already reaping them after one session. Rest assured that my jam-packed poop and I will once again be visiting Irina, everyone’s favorite turd burglar.

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Thanks to “S” who suggested I repost this oldie but goodie.

NaNoWriNO Day 23

NaNoWriNO Day 25

82 Responses to “Deuces Wild”

  1. La La 11/24/2012 at 5:20 am #

    Welp, you’ve talked me into it! Hilarious story.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/25/2012 at 1:19 am #

      Let me know how it goes. Bring an extra pair of underwear!

  2. Christopher De Voss 11/24/2012 at 5:22 am #

    I think I’m going to hire someone to cheer me on when I poo now. I could use the encouragement. I will even buy them pom poms.

    • Kelly 11/24/2012 at 11:22 am #

      These people are called children – the poo cheerleaders. It’s not as great as it sounds.

      • Jen and Tonic 11/25/2012 at 1:21 am #

        My nephew used to knock on the door when I was in the bathroom and say, “You take poo?” over and over and over again.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/25/2012 at 1:20 am #

      *pounds fists on table* POO POO POO POO POO!

  3. Change My Body...Change My Life 11/24/2012 at 5:55 am #

    If I can ever stop laughing, I may consider this. But only if I know for certain a nude Mr. Beckham isn’t going to show up at my door.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/25/2012 at 1:22 am #

      That IS an inopportune time for him to show up. “I’d love to look at your sexy body, but I’ve got a butthole emergency.”

  4. jiltaroo 11/24/2012 at 6:00 am #

    Made me laugh so much, it made me fart! I think I will go and have a cup of peppermint tea now! You are just way too funny. Jen

  5. SocietyRed 11/24/2012 at 6:08 am #

    You are the funniest! So glad you reposted this!

  6. Stacie Chadwick 11/24/2012 at 6:34 am #

    OMG this is awesome. I too have visions of sugar turds dancing in my head. Well, in my house. Dog training sucks.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/25/2012 at 1:26 am #

      I can relate to your dogs. Irina stepped in my poo, and then exiled me to the backyard.

  7. speaker7 11/24/2012 at 7:20 am #

    I believe this is the post when I started my girl crush. You are full of farts and you are full of poo and you are amazing.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/25/2012 at 1:27 am #

      I’m going to consummate our love by giving you a Dutch Oven.

  8. jdanryan 11/24/2012 at 7:54 am #

    Please tell me this is made up. And if it isn’t, do keep in mind the following:

    1) What this Irina did was provide you with an enema, which most drugstores sell saline bottle kits for at a price I’m going to assume was WAY LESS than she charged you. If you wanted to use the materials she inserted, flavored teas, you empty the bottles from the drugstore, fill them with what you want, and use those.

    2) I would seriously keep your use of the procedure to no more than once every three months. The rectum walls do need a good cleaning every so often, yes, but too many extended pressure episodes can threaten their integrity and lead to ruptures. If you ever had a hemorrhoid, that’s what a mild rupture would feel like; a major one, you don’t want to know.

    Yes, this piece is funny, but having sat where you sat,so to speak, I do wish that you not put yourself in harm. I’d hate to think we lost you to some shuckster who was sticking it where the sun don’t shine when she shouldn’t have…

    • Jen and Tonic 11/25/2012 at 1:28 am #

      Oh, I absolutely don’t do this anymore. The best solution is to eat a proper diet, drink water, and get exercise. This was purely for fun. I appreciate the concern though! I do know some people get addicted.

  9. Madame Weebles 11/24/2012 at 8:59 am #

    I laughed, I cried, I winced, I cringed, I laughed again. I can’t decide if Irina is very enthusiastic or just nuts. I had no idea farts looked like silver specks. I’m waiting for some performance artist to make a collage out of them.

    Also, sorry to brag, but I too have heard the line, “You have a very relaxed anus. Good girl!” But under very different circumstances.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/25/2012 at 1:29 am #

      Did your incident involve Mike’s Hard Lemonade and Barry White?

  10. MissFourEyes 11/24/2012 at 9:38 am #

    Haha! I think you just convinced me to expose aynoose to a perfect stranger

  11. Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher 11/24/2012 at 10:57 am #

    That was hilarious – so it’s worth horrifying humiliation, eh? So did you do it so you could blog about it? Hee hee..

  12. Kelly 11/24/2012 at 11:22 am #

    I am wicked jealous. I almost did this last year and then I went and got knocked up. I need to put this back on the agenda!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/25/2012 at 1:31 am #

      I think birthing something out of your front is way more important than birthing something out of your back. You win!

  13. Dani Heart 11/24/2012 at 11:47 am #

    Jen, I don’t know whether to be horrified or in awe. I’m so confused! You are either braver than anyone I know, or a complete lunatic, the jury is still out. OMG!!!! Whatever conclusion I come to…omg..this was hysterically funny and horrifying at the same time. I could never have written about this. Even if I could have gone through this (no chance in hell) I certainly could not have shared. lol You amaze me girl. wow

    • Bill Friday 11/24/2012 at 1:43 pm #

      Two OMGs, an lol, and a wow. I think that’s code for BRILLIANT!!!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/25/2012 at 1:31 am #

      This blog confuses people, you’re not the only one. I have no shame! It seems natural to talk about someone putting water in my butt.

  14. calahan 11/24/2012 at 12:12 pm #

    You have achieved one thing no one else has done: you’ve made me laugh to the point where there was a tear. An effing tear. I’ve never laughed that hard before. Thanks, Jenn. Oh, and ewwww.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/25/2012 at 1:36 am #

      I think this qualifies you for a “I cried over her post and all I got was this lousy t-shirt” shirt.

      • calahan 11/25/2012 at 10:32 am #

        I wear an adult small or child’s large.

  15. vyvacious 11/24/2012 at 2:19 pm #

    My butthole was clenched the entire time I was reading this. Congratulations on your colon cleanse.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/25/2012 at 1:37 am #

      This is definitely a cautionary tale for all of those buttholes considering having this done.

  16. benzeknees 11/24/2012 at 2:19 pm #

    You need to put a reader warning on these kinds of posts: “May cause uncontrollable laughter” then I wouldn’t have snorted coffee out my nose!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/25/2012 at 1:37 am #

      I hope you didn’t get it on your computer, or expensive couch or new shirt.

  17. mrmarymuthafuckingpoppins 11/24/2012 at 2:28 pm #

    Reblogged this on A Spoonful of Suga and commented:
    a Very Funny Story from my Hoem Girl Jen Read it , Love it, Respect it !!!

  18. Fern DeVilliers 11/24/2012 at 2:45 pm #

    This seems like such an obvious thing to say, but holy shit. I am NEVER fucking doing this. You are a brave woman, Jen – a brave, brave woman.

  19. artsifrtsy 11/24/2012 at 6:18 pm #

    You are braver than I – that was craptastic!

  20. susielindau 11/24/2012 at 7:40 pm #

    All of a sudden the colonoscopy I am having on Tuesday seems like bliss! They’ll give me an IV full of sedatives and my colon will already be clean from drinking a boatload of liquids and a couple of laxatives!

  21. rollergiraffe 11/24/2012 at 8:54 pm #

    I think I just gave myself a laughing colonic. Oh, and as for the “relaxed anus”, I have been told the exact opposite. For reasons I will not disclose until I have discussed thoroughly with my therapist for many years to come. But do consider it a high compliment.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/25/2012 at 1:40 am #

      It’s better to have an uptight anus. It won’t get out of control, and do anything like run off and join the circus.

  22. GiggsMcGill Jill 11/24/2012 at 8:54 pm #

    Hilarious and I’d never heard of this before!! The benefits sound great – but I kept imagining that it was something Ana and Christian love to do as foreplay…

    • Jen and Tonic 11/25/2012 at 1:41 am #

      Come to think of it, her palms were kind of twitchy…

  23. Bill Friday 11/24/2012 at 11:25 pm #

    Having just come off of surgery which was painful enough to require several days of pain meds that made my innards feel like a cement mixer with the “mix” turned off. Where was this handy procedure when I needed it most?!!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/25/2012 at 1:41 am #

      How’s your post-op leaky anus treating you?

      • Bill Friday 11/25/2012 at 1:53 am #

        A-nus-O-K

        • Jen and Tonic 11/25/2012 at 1:54 am #

          Whatever. It’s a leaky valve, call it whatever you want.

          • Bill Friday 11/25/2012 at 1:59 am #

            I’ve fixed leaky pipes before you know. What’s one more.

          • Jen and Tonic 11/25/2012 at 2:01 am #

            Oh, I’m sure you’ve cleaned your pipes many, many times over the years.

          • Bill Friday 11/25/2012 at 2:05 am #

            And fixed some others.

  24. kelsgonebush 11/25/2012 at 1:39 am #

    I always wondered how that worked .. Might have to give it a go .. bloody hilarious tho !! ;)

  25. UndercoverL 11/26/2012 at 12:02 pm #

    Wow. I am almost jealous of your cleansed rectum. But I don’t poop, so there. (http://soiwentundercover.wordpress.com/2012/11/19/not-your-regular-im-thankful-post)

  26. twindaddy 11/26/2012 at 12:45 pm #

    I was laughing the entire time I read this. Hilarious.

  27. Enchanted Seashells 11/26/2012 at 7:43 pm #

    I am leery of all bodily functions and this story (and your colon) was chock full of stuff I try to avoid. That’s probably why I would be a great candidate for some AYNOOSE cleansing. I don’t think I could do it tho, you are one brave chicka.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 12:47 pm #

      Just drink a bottle of prune juice. I’m sure it will give the same effect.

  28. Lyssapants 11/27/2012 at 2:30 pm #

    That was probably the best post I have ever read.
    I’ll never see a Mentos commercial the same way ever again.

  29. Storkhunter 12/01/2012 at 3:35 pm #

    I laughed so hard I practically gave myself a colonic irrigation. I’m tempted to try this, but I think that having my vagina probed on a regular basis is all I can handle right now.

    • Jen and Tonic 12/07/2012 at 12:22 am #

      Being probed in the back is equally invasive as the front, but at least you don’t have to have a face to face conversation with the person probing your front. Making eye contact with someone who sticks something in your butt is uncomfortable.

  30. Edee Lemonier 11/02/2013 at 11:49 pm #

    I am crying laughing so hard. Holy crap! Maybe not. I don’t know, but no pun intended. I turn into a 12-year-old boy when it comes to fart/poop stories, so I am a mess of a human right now. Thanks for the much needed laugh!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2013 at 12:05 am #

      Oh, if you like fart/poop stories, you’ll love my blog. It takes a special woman to appreciate my “special” brand of humor.

      • Edee Lemonier 11/03/2013 at 7:43 am #

        my goddess!!!

        Won’t leave a link because WP will assume it’s spam, so look up the “Portlandia Fart Patio” video on YouTube. I’m obsessed.

        • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2013 at 9:04 pm #

          “I wish these seats had cushions.”

          “If they did they’d have to wash them all the time.”

          So freaking funny (and true)

          • Edee Lemonier 11/03/2013 at 11:23 pm #

            “Hold my hand for a second.”

            “Okay I’m farting while you say that.”

            My GAWD I love Portland!!

          • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2013 at 11:26 pm #

            I know!!! I think sometimes people don’t believe me when I talked about the stuff that happens here, or how accurate Portlandia is.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The Feminine Touch « Sips of Jen and Tonic - 11/25/2012

    [...] NaNoWriNO Day 24 [...]

  2. The Feminine Touch | Sips of Jen and Tonic - 05/24/2013

    […] NaNoWriNO Day 24 […]

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