Speaker of the Devil

21 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 21

Topic: What happened to Speakers 1-6?

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I’m not going to lie to you, I have a major lady crush on Speaker7. From the first time I read her I said, “Jen, you will make that woman yours even if it means having to purchase chloroform and zip ties. Fast forward a few months, and she created a twitter account just so she could follow me. Love is in the air!

Despite our budding romance, there is very little that I know about her. She’s a lady and has hair and likes reading smut and might have a car. Who is she? Where did she come from? Her life is shrouded in mystery.

The topic suggestion challenged me to figure out what happened to Speakers 1-6, but I think this was just to throw me off the trail. It is my belief that Speakers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7 are all the same person, and this person is hellbent on world domination.

Speaker Identity #1: Madame Weebles

They’re both foulmouthed. They are both fantastic bloggers. They both attracted me with their animal magnetism. They both have legions of followers who scream like little girls when they publish new posts. I don’t know that the world could handle the sheer awesomeness of two people like this existing.

The resemblance is uncanny

Speaker Identity #2: Tim Gunn

A few weeks back, Le Clown posted on Facebook asking if anyone had pictures of Tim Gunn from his younger years. You know what? No pictures like that exist on the internet because Tim Gunn has no past to speak of. It’s like he was born 50 years old, and instantly began taking over the fashion world. Speaker7 never speaks of a childhood, and no sex tapes have surfaced from her wild college years. She was born 31, and instantly began ruling the WordPress Kingdom.

Speaker Identity #3: LeVar Burton

LeVar Burton brought literacy to thousands of children (okay, just two) back in the 80′s on Reading Rainbow. He encouraged us to take a look in a book and float on a rainbow and believe we could do anything. Basically, it was an acid trip. Speaker7 is a librarian. Or she makes book. Or maybe she just owns a ream of paper? Her blog reads like a hit of Ecstasy with a Ketamine chaser.

Speaker Identity #4: E.L. James

Let’s be clear: Fifty Shades of Grey is a shitastic book about a woman who likes a guy who wrestles her to the ground like a rabid grizzly bear, and then gives her weird sex. It’s also a book about what not to do as a writer. Despite these things, Speaker7 is giving it tons of free publicity on her blog. She has also begun signing all of her e-mails with “Laters Baby, My Twitchy Palm”.

Speaker Identity #5: Anderson Cooper

Anderson Cooper is a sexy, silver-haired television personality who was sent from the heavens above to make the news more bearable. He combines facts and charisma in a way that makes me want to listen to all of the depressing happenings around the world for hours on end. Speaker7 has her Turd of the Week™ series which takes the most frustrating human beings alive, and spins them into comedy gold. My life is meaningless without her turds.

Speaker Identity #6: Hugo

Is Hugo simply a character she features regularly on her blog, or a clever way of revealing her true self?

I ask you audience, have you ever seen all of these people in the same place at the same time? Nope. Speaker7, we’re on to you.

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Thanks to Speaker7 for suggesting this topic. She just can’t get enough of herself.

NaNoWriNO Day 20

NaNoWriNO Day 22

58 Responses to “Speaker of the Devil”

  1. Le Clown 11/21/2012 at 5:10 am #

    Jen,
    Great post! I love me some Speaker7, but not too close. But I do know her real name, and it’s more than I can say about Tim Gunn, I mean, the YOUNG Tim Gunn-which never existed… Anyway, Speaker7 is really Naomi Wolf and Noam Chomsky’s baby, adopted by Emma Peel, and raised by Sarah Silverman and George Carlin. You’re welcome.
    Le Clown

    • Jen and Tonic 11/23/2012 at 12:06 pm #

      It all makes so much sense now…

      Once again, your magnificence amazes me.

  2. speaker7 11/21/2012 at 5:14 am #

    I am deeply honored by this and by your Scooby-Doo style investigative techniques. I wish I was Madame Weebles. I really do, but since I’m not and since you wrote such a fantastic piece about a topic so many people are intrigued about, I will reveal my true identity. If I knew how to include pictures in the comments I would do so, but all I can do is share this link: http://www.google.com/imgres?q=carrot+top&hl=en&client=safari&sa=X&tbo=d&rls=en&biw=1244&bih=595&tbm=isch&tbnid=gOGNoxglCFIcNM:&imgrefurl=http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-evolution-of-carrot-tops-face-and-body&docid=0p5JLOcktXbI4M&imgurl=http://s-ak.buzzfed.com/static/enhanced/terminal01/2010/11/9/16/enhanced-buzz-25203-1289337273-22.jpg&w=406&h=630&ei=MNOsUNXsHIqV0QHvxYCIDg&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=659&sig=101588536455628781507&page=1&tbnh=141&tbnw=90&start=0&ndsp=27&ved=1t:429,r:2,s:0,i:159&tx=43&ty=55

    I’m thankful it’s not too long.

    • Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher 11/21/2012 at 5:31 am #

      MY EYES ARE BURNING! MY EYES ARE BURNING! Librarians are not evil Carrot things.

    • GiggsMcGill Jill 11/21/2012 at 11:09 pm #

      I’m just surprised you don’t have a six-pack with all your other wonderful qualities!

    • Madame Weebles 11/23/2012 at 11:32 am #

      See, and I wish I were you. As for the girl crush, you know I have a big girl crush on you too. I know Jen has dibs on you but I’m not proud, I’ll take sloppy seconds.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/23/2012 at 12:06 pm #

      HOLY SHIT WHAT WAS THAT CARROT TOP ABOMINATION I’LL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN

      • speaker7 11/23/2012 at 12:56 pm #

        So you’re saying the girl crush has ended?

        • Jen and Tonic 11/23/2012 at 12:57 pm #

          I don’t think I can be turned on for a week now. Check back with me then.

  3. Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher 11/21/2012 at 5:31 am #

    Excellent post – I’m a Speaker7 fan, myself….

  4. Carrie Rubin 11/21/2012 at 6:00 am #

    Clever post! I’m thinking it’s the Hugo one…

    • Jen and Tonic 11/23/2012 at 12:07 pm #

      She does love to plaster his half body all over her posts.

  5. aliceatwonderland 11/21/2012 at 6:05 am #

    Even if Hugo isn’t Speaker, I fear he may be hypnotizing her with THOSE EYES in order to do his bidding. I still wonder where Hugo came from. Was he a library puppet? OMG.

    I only wish Speaker7 worked at my library. That would freaking rock. No work would get done, but it’d rock.

    • Daan van den Bergh 11/21/2012 at 6:30 am #

      I’m with you on this. I’m pretty sure Hugo is a chucky-style evil puppet hypnotizing her to write all these awesome things.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/23/2012 at 12:07 pm #

      It’s Hugo’s cheekbones that suck me in. They’re so piercing and judgmental.

  6. Combat Babe 11/21/2012 at 6:37 am #

    Sometimes I wonder if it all isn’t some big conspiracy. Like if Le Clown, Madame Weebles, Speaker 7, Jen and Tonic (yes, you), aliceatwonderland, Tacy Fulks, any fabulous blogger I could have missed that’s in the clan aren’t all one person with Multiple Personality Disorder. Look it up you all. I think I may have just caught on to something here.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/23/2012 at 12:08 pm #

      Do you hear that guys? Combat Babe is on to us. We may have to kill her.

  7. twindaddy 11/21/2012 at 6:46 am #

    It all makes perfect sense now!!

  8. becca3416 11/21/2012 at 7:35 am #

    I am just now realizing she is a female, and then you blow my mind with this? WordPress is breaking my brain today.

  9. Storkhunter 11/21/2012 at 8:01 am #

    And you Jen must be Speaker8

  10. Dani Heart 11/21/2012 at 9:37 am #

    Very interesting. I will have to read this speaker7. :)

    • Jen and Tonic 11/23/2012 at 12:09 pm #

      You MUST! You will giggle until your insides hurt.

  11. SocietyRed 11/21/2012 at 11:10 am #

    Great post Jen! So damn clever you are! Speaker7 is great! SoylentSpeaker7 is PEOPLE!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/23/2012 at 12:10 pm #

      She’s honestly great. Makes sense since she’s 100 different people. A little bit of everything for the masses.

  12. calahan 11/21/2012 at 11:55 am #

    Wow. I’ve never made these connections. Now that they’re in front of me, it’s like, how could I NOT have noticed these connections?

    • Jen and Tonic 11/23/2012 at 12:11 pm #

      I know. The more I started thinking about it, the more I realized how obvious it was. Especially Hugo! How could I have not known before?

      • calahan 11/23/2012 at 12:24 pm #

        I’m guessing there was some black magic involved to blind us all.

  13. sweetmother 11/21/2012 at 1:04 pm #

    i was here and i liked it. plus, i’ve always wondered what happened to 1-6…

  14. Lyssapants 11/21/2012 at 1:43 pm #

    My mind has been blown. And Jen, methinks you’re actually Dan Brown (or he is YOU!), cuz this shit is better than Da Vinci’s code that he wrote that one time.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/23/2012 at 12:14 pm #

      I had a magnifying glass and wore a cape while investigating this. We shall call this Da Vinci Code: Speaker7 is really Jesus.

  15. UndercoverL 11/21/2012 at 2:20 pm #

    Well, color me jealous. Such accolades. I must seek out this Speaker 7 (aka 1-6). Also, I cried like a little baby beggin’ for the tit when I found out Anderson Cooper was gay. (No gaydar to speak of.) I know I am married and he is famous and it would have never worked… but anyway, I cried. I am still kinda bitter. Why wasn’t I born a man? And hot?

    • Jen and Tonic 11/23/2012 at 12:15 pm #

      I’m not kidding, Anderson Cooper is a stone cold fox. I was very disappointed when he officially came out as gay. No silver-haired babies for me.

  16. writerwendyreid 11/21/2012 at 3:19 pm #

    hahaha….great post Jen. I love S7 too and that pic? LOVE the abs…but the red hair, I could do without. :-P

    • Jen and Tonic 11/23/2012 at 12:15 pm #

      I commend Carrot Top for getting in shape, but his face is damn scary.

  17. artsifrtsy 11/21/2012 at 5:27 pm #

    Speaker7 is the bomb – I wonder if she’s really Speaker 007?

    • Jen and Tonic 11/23/2012 at 12:16 pm #

      OHMIGOD. You’re right. She’s probably way hotter than any of the Bond girls.

  18. GiggsMcGill Jill 11/21/2012 at 11:10 pm #

    You definitely must be the spawn of Sherlock Holmes.

  19. Love and Lunchmeat 11/21/2012 at 11:27 pm #

    I’m told Speaker 7 is impossible to track down because she is hidden inside a snuggie somewhere (and watching reality TV). My source wouldn’t even tell me what color her snuggie was for fear I would find find her. Since we would all harass her endlessly if we knew more about her, who can blame her?

    • Jen and Tonic 11/23/2012 at 12:17 pm #

      If you do find her, bring a Couples Snuggie. That way you can get close to her awesomeness.

  20. isawbobdylaninaspeedo 11/22/2012 at 9:56 am #

    I am hooked. I also think Dr. Phil is an anal wart. I love this Speaker7 person…hmmmmmmmmmm…vetty intarestink.

  21. Smaktakula 11/22/2012 at 3:54 pm #

    WEEBLES! It’s all Weebles.

    • Madame Weebles 11/23/2012 at 11:33 am #

      Dammit, you blew my cover, Smak.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/23/2012 at 12:18 pm #

      I feel like you know something I don’t. TELL ME MAN, IS IT WEEBLES?

  22. Madame Weebles 11/23/2012 at 11:36 am #

    I’m not sure what’s more flattering, being compared to the wonder that is S7, or being included on the same list as Hugo. They both make my insides feel like smiles.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/23/2012 at 12:19 pm #

      The good thing is, you don’t have to choose. Just stay sexy.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Giving Thanks « Sips of Jen and Tonic - 11/22/2012

    [...] Thanks to the Plymouth colonists and Wampanoag Indians for inspiring this post. Let’s party like it’s 1621! NaNoWriNO Day 21 [...]

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