NaNoWriNO Day 18
Topic: Greeting cards – Part 2
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What do Charles Bukowski, E. E. Cummings, Langston Hughes and Jen and Tonic have in common? They are all amazing poets who have not only gifted the world with their words, but also with their incredibly sexy bodies.
My Poetic License post seemed to be a hit, and really showcased how versatile and talented and ridiculously funny I am as a writer. Who else could marry herpes and Slurpees in the form of a sympathy card? A GENIUS.
Ready for Round 2? I am.
For the happy husband on his wedding day
For the new graduate in your life
For your wife on your anniversary
For your husband on your anniversary
It feels good to be a gangster.
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Thanks to Cathy at Large Self who suggested I do another set of cards from the Hooked on Tonic® greeting card line.
I wept over the beauty in the anniversary cards. “Fat-headed kids”….poetry.
I really know how to bring two people together on their special day
Your a fucking legend!!!
Honestly,,you should make these and sell them, you would make mint.
And,,,I could sell them for you up here, in Canada,,for a few loonies!! (Hint,,hint)
My card line is going GLOBAL?! This is more than I dreamed of.
And,,,i’m gonna run the Canadian part right,,,right???,,lol
You’ll be the VP of my Maple Syrup division.
Fucken Eh!!
I’ll be surprised if Hallmark doesn’t call and offer you employment.
Me too! It’s obvious I could breathe new life into their company.
Thank you, Jen. It was worth the wait! I do think this could be a second career for you.
Cathy
Oddly enough, when I was little, I wanted to write greeting cards for a living. Not sure why, but I did. It’s what made me want to get a job at Hallmark when I was in high school. Who knows, this could be my big shot!
You ARE a gangstah!!!!! Loved the Anniversary one best…probably because of the use of the word ‘skids’ WELL DONE my friend.
Skids are appropriate for any occasion.
When you care enough to send the very best… So heartwarming. How soon will they be available at Kroger?
I think my tagline should be: “When you’re supposed to care…”
I love it! When you just don’t give a shit.
“You can make up for it all with a nice blowjob.” You thoroughly captured the “man” depth and feeling here. Hallmark is nothing without you.
I said, “Jen, what would men want for their anniversary?” I couldn’t figure out anything that rhymed with ‘anal’ so I went for blowjob instead.
Where can I buy each and every one of these? Can I make a request for a mother’s day card for a horrible mother? How about a happy used-to-be anniversary, both from an ex and from the new wife? Girl, we need to start a business in the snarky card-writing industry. My ideas, your amazing poetry… We would be famous.
I can totally secure investors… Lots of them.
Sure! I’ll throw this topic back into the hat. I promise that even if I don’t pick it for NaNoWriNO, I’ll do it at some point in the future.
I’ve been thinking about this for reals over the weekend. (My life is so exciting.) I was thinking of a few more topics: the card to the neighbors kid who finally got picked up for dealing drugs (or the neighbor who got picked up), the card from the guy who ran over your dog (my apologies) or your cat (you owe me a beer for doing you the favor), the card from the guy who’s porking your wife, the card uninviting anyone to anything (just did that to my parents for Thanksgiving)… just letting the creative juices flow.
I love that you were thinking about this over the weekend! It seems people loved my cards. I honestly never expected that.
Consider them added.
wow. LOL fun post Jen.
Thanks Dani
I would have commented much earlier today except that I’ve been speechless with awe and wonder at your brilliance. These are the fucking BEST.
Your birthday is coming up! I may have to do a customized one just for you.
Oh oh oh oh oh oh OH! That would make my millenium.
Love the wedding card How ’bout one for the wife? My anniversary is coming up. I so need that card (probably should get myself knocked up first coz I can’t imagine the card will help
)
Always make sure to procure the sperm before getting sassy.
Hallmark needs to set up a new line just for your cards! I know the Anniversary ones would sell out in seconds.
I am going to print off the comments section of this post and mail it to them. I’ve already got a card fan base!
You’ve done it again, Miss! It’s a hit.
Glad you enjoyed!
These are great! You are twisted, and funny!
I’m glad everyone seems to like my sick sense of humor. You are my kind of people!
Those are fucking awesome!
*high five*
OH HELL, FUCKING, YEAH!
I love these cards, especially the last two!
You are a gangster, aren’t you… You got the stuff? I got the money…
I’m a gangster all day every day.
hahahaha…..classics Jen.
Thanks Wendy
These are great. Seriously, these would be a good thing to sell.
I’m seriously considering it. It would be a fun side project.
Can you wrote a Christmas card for me?! These are awesome!
*write. Ugh.
Sure! Let me know the context, and I’ll whip one up.
You missed your vocation…
I think I did.
Yep, yep, do think you have a serious business here. And BJ’s are a cure all in our house LOL.
Mr. DeVilliers is a lucky, lucky man.
I need a card for Thanksgiving that preemptively says, “Sorry I got horribly drunk because that’s the only way I can stand to be around you people. Also, sorry I threw up into the turkey’s a-hole.”
Can you make that happen?
I’m on it!
My favorite was the grad one!
If there are any new grads in your life, please distribute at your leisure.
I can’t wait to have a husband and a ten year anniversary now!
RIGHT?! I’m creating my OkCupid profile as we speak.
Oooo, then you can get a man who knows “all about your pleasure waves” or laugh at your “rear”!! *pleasure shiver??*
The anniversary card to his wife is my favorite card
Blowjobs help solve lots of problems!! …While creating a few more here and there…
Blowjobs could honestly stop wars. Think about how happy all of those politicians would be!
Ah yes, but their wives would not be so joyous.
These are wickedly funny, and I say in all seriousness that maybe you should look into having them produced somewhere.
I don’t like cards–I think in most cases they’re a waste of paper. However, a few years ago there was a deliciously funny line of cards (I can no longer remember the name, I want to say ‘Truly Tasteless Greetings) that are sadly out of print. I loved them. They typically featured old woodcut images that looked to be produced in the 19th Century. My very favorite had on the cover a picture of a loving couple locked in an amorous embrace. The card reads “I’ve been searching all my life for you,”
Inside it reads, “And now I’m going to kill you.”
Another one (and this one may lose some of its impact thanks to my anemic powers of description) doesn’t have a caption on the outside, just an old picture of knights riding headlong into battle. Inside it says, “We’re fucked.”
YES!!! I love cards like that. Rotten Cards and The Old Tomfoolery are two of my favorite greeting card lines. I am currently in the process of figuring out how to market my cards. People seem to like them so much it seems stupid not to give it a go.
Hilarious! I think you could give Hallmark a run for its money!
I told the CEO of Hallmark you said this. He just told me to “bring it”.